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Boyfriend takes ages to reply to texts?


Mabelrichie90
Your Partner Needs to Step Up (Don&...
Your Partner Needs to Step Up (Don't Accept His SH*T!)
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Home for summer from college so its kinda ldr, haven't seen him in 2 months but my boyfriend takes over 8 hours to reply sometimes so we never can talk properly and have a normal conversation due to the big gap, i don't remember the last time we talked back and forth... The trouble is i can see he is active so its very hurtful so it makes me feel like I'm not a priority. He says he loves me and misses me, then why doesn't he text me? This is my first relationship so I'm not the best at navigating what's right and wrong and where my boundaries lie, so i just need some advice, do guys normally want to not talk too their girlfriends for that long? He doesn't have a job atm so its not like he's too busy everyday to make time to message me.

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1 minute ago, Mabelrichie90 said:

He says he loves me and misses me, then why doesn't he text me?

You would have to know there is a difference between what somebody says and what somebody does. If there is a discrepancy there, always look at somebodies action, not somebodies words. So, in this case, you look how he takes hours to respond even though he is online. And that means he is just checked out from some reason. Maybe because of distance, maybe because some other girl, but he has checked out there. No matter what he says, at the moment he doesnt really care if he can just ignore you.

10 minutes ago, Mabelrichie90 said:

do guys normally want to not talk too their girlfriends for that long?

Depends. Some people are not very big on talking or texting. But if he takes 8 hours to responds and he didnt have that problem before, you have a problem. Because he doesnt really wants to talk if he ignores your messages that much.

Also, why dont you just call him and talk?

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Texting isn't talking.  It's typing and you don't know if the technology means he is actually on his phone or available to text you.  When I was serious with someone and long distance we spoke once a day-usually at night -for around 20-30 minutes.  We e-mailed a bit during the day.  I didn't have a cell phone.  He had a flip phone and didn't text.  

Ask him how often he wants to talk by phone.  Not text.

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How old are each of you? How long did you date before this separation? Does he go to your college, or just lives in that area? Do you possibly overdue, it as in wanting marathon text sessions, and he avoids that? How often did you get together in person during the school year?

I would be concerned if someone I believed loved me wouldn't care to hear my voice at least once a day. I would start wondering if he wasn't, in fact, really that into me.

When I was dating my future husband locally, we met up a few times a week, and sent a few texts during the day, but he always called me in the evening, or I called him, to hear each other's voices and find out about each others days.

At this point, if I were you, I'd only give him equal effort of what he offers as in the above poster's suggestion. If he lets you fade away, and could care less if days go by with each of you doing your own thing, it means he's really not interested in being in a serious relationship. It's a good way to gauge someone's interest or lack of it. And then you could say, "This relationship isn't working for me."

 

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2 hours ago, Mabelrichie90 said:

 my boyfriend takes over 8 hours to reply

He seems to be resisting being text-tethered. Keep in mind your relationship didn't start out long distance, so this is new for both of you. Why not pick a time, once a day, when you call each other rather than random texts throughout the day?

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In a men's news article they asked several men why they don't text/call and this is what they say: "They don't call or text because they don't want to". When you date someone, you date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. I agree this guy feeds you words that don't match his actions. Sorry but my assessment is that he's just not that into you. You shouldn't HAVE TO tell them to give you attention/talk to you. The writing is on the wall. You are not a priority. What I see is you two are on an unofficial break.

 

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I am pretty sure your phone can make voice calls right?

Why not call him when you know he will not be busy and talk?  You will be able to tell by his attitude and voice if he is happy to talk or he is bothered by your call.

I assume you are young so you are still learning what is okay and not okay in a relationship.

There are people out there that are happy to be with you or love you when you are in the same room but rarely think of you when you are not.  Then there are people that think of you even if you are thousands of miles away.  Which one do you think he is?

Actions speak volumes and words are just that, words.

Lost

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I know a lot of guys who don't bother texting frequently.  They tend to prefer in person or phone chats.  Some people don't enjoy typing. 

Have a discussion, make compromises or have some sort of an agreement which both of you are comfortable with.  Be reasonable and fair. 

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Texting is not conducive to conversation. It’s a way to relay information, but beyond that it’s usefulness is minimal for carrying on a conversation. If you want to talk to him it’s best to call and keep most of your texting to setting up time to see each other. 

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I would stop texting him and let him wonder what I've been up to. 

If he notices.

I'm sorry to say, this isn't the kind of relationship I'd want to keep. 

Given the need to cross paths and share social circles back at school, I also wouldn't reach out to break up with him at this point. I'd either explain kindly if he ever calls that this isn't working out for me, or, I'd just wait to tell him nicely at school.

You can do better than this, so don't let this guy take up too much of your focus or your time. He doesn't sound worth it.

 

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16 hours ago, Mabelrichie90 said:

Home for summer from college so its kinda ldr, haven't seen him in 2 months but my boyfriend takes over 8 hours to reply sometimes so we never can talk properly and have a normal conversation due to the big gap, i don't remember the last time we talked back and forth... The trouble is i can see he is active so its very hurtful so it makes me feel like I'm not a priority. He says he loves me and misses me, then why doesn't he text me? This is my first relationship so I'm not the best at navigating what's right and wrong and where my boundaries lie, so i just need some advice, do guys normally want to not talk too their girlfriends for that long? He doesn't have a job atm so its not like he's too busy everyday to make time to message me.

Do either of you call one another? Try this as not everyone is into texting. He may also find the texts dry or boring, very repetitive, uninteresting after the time you’ve spent in person. It pales in comparison to real time spent with a partner. He may also be naively compartmentalizing that this is his home time with his friends and family and he’ll see you again in the fall semester. He might think there’s nothing to worry about and is complacent/totally ignorant of the fact that you’re annoyed or wanting more communication. 

Limit the texting and move to agreed calls at a time that works for both of you once a day for ie. Don’t make this a hill on which to die on if you sense he’s clueless and complacent with room for change.

If he won’t oblige with more communication or effort that’s failed expectations on your part. You may not want to consider yourself with someone who can’t move past a simple hurdle and more communication over something like a short summer break.
 

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When was the last time he initiated any of the contact between you?  You can definitely start calling him, but if he doesn't like texting then that option has been open to him all along and he's not used it either.  I suspect that if you call him he'll still be too "active" on his phone to stop what he's doing and make you his priority.  Haven't you wondered who he's active with when it's not you, his girlfriend?

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19 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

When was the last time he initiated any of the contact between you?  You can definitely start calling him, but if he doesn't like texting then that option has been open to him all along and he's not used it either.

THIS.

Why is the onus on YOU to maintain contact with him?

The relationship should be reciprocal - he should be excited to text, or at least, talk on the phone with you! You're his GIRLFRIEND.

And he should definitely be INITIATING text and/or phone conversations with you at least some of the time. You should NOT have to feel like you're PESTERING him every single time that you want to speak to him, or like the responsibility for keeping in contact with him rests solely on your shoulders.

You said that the fact that he takes 8 hours to respond to your text messages results in you guys not being able to "talk properly and have a normal conversation due to the big gap". I suspect that this is EXACTLY why he's doing it. He's trying to discourage you from texting him, or trying to make the conversation so slow and labourious that it can never actually turn into a conversation.

You deserve better than this. Actions speak so much louder than words and his actions are SCREAMING at you that he doesn't care about you and doesn't have any respect for you.

Don't put up with this. Either call him out on it or break up with him.

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