Am I overthinking my bf's (26M) close friendship with a F coworker?

[vt1990]

So my boyfriend (26) M and I (25) F have been dating for 8 months. Throughout the entire duration of the relationship, I suspected him of having a crush on his coworker/best friend who is a female. They have been friends/coworkers for around 2 years. She is his boss and they are alone together at work for 5 hours and they are very close and talk about everything, including his relationship with me and her previous relationship. She is currently single and has been for a few months now. I have talked to him about my gut feeling of him having a thing for her, as they have the same interests and hobbies and get along really well and physically he admitted when I asked him if he thought she was pretty, he said he did find her pretty and attractive when they first met. He said he never had a crush on her and I just can't find it in myself to believe it at all. He said to me if he wanted to be with her, he would be and he chose to be with me. They text frequently as their conversation is always at the top of his recent texts and snaps. She had a health monitoring app that alerted her phone that he also said he installed. When i asked why his phone was being blown up by an app but he explained it to me and said he installed it due to a joke. I told him it was weird for him to be alerted of her health and I didn't like it and he agreed and uninstalled and told her about him thinking it wasn't right. She then messaged me saying all of her coworkers are also notified and she didn't mean any harm. I've been feeling suspicious and my gut feeling has been telling me he is lying to me about his true feelings for her although he's reassured me multiple times that he doesn't and never has seen her that way. It's wrong to have felt this way through the whole relationship but he hasn't done anything to break my trust as of yet. Also to note he does not hang out with her one on one outside of work except for when they occasionally game together online. Should I trust him or should I end things because I always have a gut feeling about him having feelings despite being reassured he doesn't?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Vrnchi said:

 I suspected him of having a crush on his coworker/best friend. She is his boss 

Sorry this is happening. Three is a crowd.Too many red flags.

He is not worth your time and energy. If you have to police someone's phone because they have a "best friend" that they have a thing for, it's time to let go. Aside from this he is betraying you by talking to her about you.

Cut your losses and delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

[MissCanuck]

It sounds like you’re the third wheel.

I personally wouldn’t bother staying in a relationship where I constantly felt untrusting and skeptical. He’s not the right guy for you. 

[Batya33]

What kind of job is this that they are this in each other's lives and space? The standard is not waiting to see if someone does something to "break their trust" -it's having a foundation of trust -feeling comfortable and at home with the person and not feeling like you have to check who is at the top of his texts. 

I have no idea who is for my husband -my sense is his male cousin as they text incessantly when their favorite sports team is playing - but I've never checked his phone (we've been together 17 years) and I don't check his computer,  He travels for business constantly, he has evening work conversations with both male and female coworkers, business lunches and dinners and sometimes one on one, etc.  I don't ever see it as "well he hasn't broken my trust-yet- so it's ok".  What a debbie downer way to live!

This woman is not the problem -your boyfriend is -she has awful and inappropriate boundaries -that's on her.  The problem is your boyfriend is not telling or showing her what his boundaries are.  Even if he were single, he's playing with fire professionally.  

[Lambert]

I think you should follow your gut and move on. 

A long time ago I was in a similar situation and now, looking back, I wouldn't tolerate it the way I did. I was blinded by attraction and loving the guy. But the truth is, a guy that is really with you doesn't put you in this position.

That particular ex of mine ultimately admitted he was too flattered by the attention to do anything.  And while as an outsider, one might think awww yeah... he was just feeling low and needed the attention. but the what about you/me? Don't you deserve a guy that has more to offer than this? (you do) 

It's not attractive is it? I'd make this into a turn off and walk away.  weak ass dude. you can do better. 

and why is your boyfriend's boss texting you? she's a loser too 

This is nonsense. Dump him.

[bluecastle]

Yes, I would end things. Regardless of the specifics of their relationship, the way you have felt for 8 months—edgy, distrustful, and so on—is the opposite of how anyone should feel in a relationship, particularly in the early, foundation-forging days. 

In the future, however, I would suggest approaching this sort of issue differently. Rather than repeatedly come at someone with accusation (“You have a crush on her”) I would instead be open about your own feelings (“I’m uneasy, worried we don’t have the same boundaries and expectations, and would like to discuss this.”). That way you give someone a better chance to listen to you, and to see if you two can grow together, adjust some preexisting habits, and make some changes that work for everyone to create a strong foundation. 

[Kwothe28]

Her having to explain something to you, yes, its just weird. He didnt give you anything in a sense that you actually caught him cheating. But would you risk it? That somewhere down the line you have a fight with him and she be "shoulder to cry"? Its not a good situation to be with and yes, should be regarded as "red flag".

[reinventmyself]

If I'm not sure how to handle something like this, I always turn the tables.

If my 8 month relationship was really important to me I wouldn't engage a coworker, my boss no less, in such a familiar way that it might risk hurting my relationship. 

I would hope for the same in return.  

[Cherylyn]

Your boyfriend doesn't enforce healthy boundaries with his boss.   He won't change for you and the more you complain, the more he perceives you as being a nag.  Either accept how he is or be with a boyfriend who knows how to treat you with respect even when your back is turned which is the true test of respect. 

[catfeeder]

What is your own history with feeling secure or insecure in relationships? 

I guess I'd want to consider whether I bring a bias of mistrust into the relationship that's being enlivened by BF's behavior, or whether his behavior with this woman stands out on its own as troubling enough to raise my concern.

While either way I wouldn't stick around because no relationship is worth living in misery, my answer to the above would guide me on whether I would pursue private therapy.

If I carry an insecure bias into every relationship, then I'll always find some reason for misery until I heal that in myself, first.

If I don't carry that bias, then I don't need the therapy, I just need to ditch guy. If he's ever free and clear of this woman, he can let me know, and if I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, this is not for me.

[Rose Mosse]

10 hours ago, Vrnchi said:

So my boyfriend (26) M and I (25) F have been dating for 8 months. Throughout the entire duration of the relationship, I suspected him of having a crush on his coworker/best friend who is a female. They have been friends/coworkers for around 2 years. She is his boss and they are alone together at work for 5 hours and they are very close and talk about everything, including his relationship with me and her previous relationship. She is currently single and has been for a few months now. I have talked to him about my gut feeling of him having a thing for her, as they have the same interests and hobbies and get along really well and physically he admitted when I asked him if he thought she was pretty, he said he did find her pretty and attractive when they first met. He said he never had a crush on her and I just can't find it in myself to believe it at all. He said to me if he wanted to be with her, he would be and he chose to be with me. They text frequently as their conversation is always at the top of his recent texts and snaps. She had a health monitoring app that alerted her phone that he also said he installed. When i asked why his phone was being blown up by an app but he explained it to me and said he installed it due to a joke. I told him it was weird for him to be alerted of her health and I didn't like it and he agreed and uninstalled and told her about him thinking it wasn't right. She then messaged me saying all of her coworkers are also notified and she didn't mean any harm. I've been feeling suspicious and my gut feeling has been telling me he is lying to me about his true feelings for her although he's reassured me multiple times that he doesn't and never has seen her that way. It's wrong to have felt this way through the whole relationship but he hasn't done anything to break my trust as of yet. Also to note he does not hang out with her one on one outside of work except for when they occasionally game together online. Should I trust him or should I end things because I always have a gut feeling about him having feelings despite being reassured he doesn't?

I’m assuming you are mentally and emotionally healthy without insecurity or jealousy issues. 

As an outsider their friendly relationship doesn’t look wrong but the work relationship unfortunately lacks boundaries. I can see why you’re questioning your gut. 

Look within. If you’re not happy that’s all you need to know.

He may tick off a lot of your boxes and you may care for him but some of his choices are not for you or not what you’d do if you were in similar circumstances. It’s not a match. You decide if this is a dealbreaker and you’re incompatible.

Don’t waste time judging who or what he is. Spend more time confirming whether you feel good around him or uneasy, awful, frustrated. Then move on.

[SooSad33]

Are you seeing any red flags about him ( and her) to cause a concern?

If a guy just 'likes' something someone says online, may not mean what you are thinking.

You have been involved 8 mos.. does he show you affection, give you some of his time? 

Why is it, you two are 'always arguing over this girl'? 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Vrnchi said:

My boyfriend (26M) of 8 months and I (25F) are always arguing about the same close female friend of his. Recently he liked her tweet about a heart wanting to go home at the end of the day, where home isn't where you live but a person. 

You could keep bickering about this or you could free yourself of his nonsense:

 

[vt1990]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You could keep bickering about this or you could free yourself of his nonsense:

 

The thing is he denies having a thing for her, because she is too "toxic" of a person to date and it would be a headache. He says he wants to be with me only but men can say anything.

[vt1990]

31 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Are you seeing any red flags about him ( and her) to cause a concern?

If a guy just 'likes' something someone says online, may not mean what you are thinking.

You have been involved 8 mos.. does he show you affection, give you some of his time? 

Why is it, you two are 'always arguing over this girl'? 

I just have a gut feeling he's into her and something i'm unaware of is stopping him from going for her, which might be the fact she's the female equivalent of a f-boy like he mentioned but that doesn't necessarily mean he wouldn't have some sort of crush on her. He shows me affection but i'm definitely much more affectionate. He said he's bad with showing his feelings so I have to take that into consideration. We spend time maybe on average 3-4 days of the week together. He's always doing something that makes me feel uncomfortable with how close he is to her, like liking her twitter outfit pics and a lot of her tweets. Even a tweet about how she'd never go back to her ex....

[Wiseman2]

47 minutes ago, vt1990 said:

The thing is he denies having a thing for her, because she is too "toxic" of a person to date and it would be a headache. 

If she's so "toxic" why are they constantly in touch with lovey-dovey messages and social media contact? The point is it's inappropriate behavior that stresses you, so it's up to you to decide if you want to be part of his throuple.

[indea08]

25 year old me would tell you that if you feel off about their closeness, then this is not the right situation for you. Don’t stay so long that you start to feel crazy, and have trouble determining where the line truly is. (Been there, done that, it’s awful)

32 year old me who’s been married for 6 years (and in relationships since I was 15) will tell you that you’re so young, you’re dating (not married, so don’t treat him like a husband), and friendships/relationships should be FUN. They should ADD value and happiness to your life, not become a necessary piece of it. You don’t have to agree on everything, you can have your friends and he can have his. And if you end up getting serious in a couple years, those opposite sex nuances tend to fade away on their own. You’ve let him know how you feel, now let it go, see how he handles that friendship in the future, enjoy the good in your relationship, and see where life takes you.

[smackie9]

You don't need any proof and I know that is what you keep looking for but that don't and shouldn't matter. If this never felt right to you, you end the relationship...he's not the one for you. That's it. 

[Andrina]

There is a good reason the terms "work husband" and "work wife" exists. This stuff happens for some--overly involved, emotional affairs.

Yeah, even if they never do the wild thing, the dynamic is different between opposite sex genders in these instances, and I would not accept a man who had a "work wife."

When you are more upset than satisfied in a relationship, it's the wrong one for you.

You belong with a guy who just has close guy buddies. So make yourself single, and then you'll be free to continue your search for someone who is compatible with you.

[Andrina]

With the right person, you will be stress free the majority of the time, with minor issues to smooth out only occasionally.

Pick a guy who doesn't have a close female friend like this and you will feel calmer. Isn't the point of dating to decide who you are compatible with and who you aren't. And when you aren't, it's best to cut ties ASAP, as finding a keeper takes a lot of time and hard work.

Good luck.