Going to a specific pub alone

[Saabman]

May I ask your advice, ladies. 
My beautiful parter of 18 months, who I adore, occasionally likes to go out on a Friday night to a specific pub. She is absolutely adamant that I’m not permitted to go on a Friday…. She says I’ll hate it. It’s busy and rammed with men. I’m very welcome to go any other night, but not a Friday. I asked her if there was an ex or anyone specific she doesn’t want me to meet, but she says no. 
she says all the guys there have been regulars for years and know her well and I’ll just feel left out. 
We are just about to buy a house together but this subject is nagging at me and my gut feeling is that something is up, but I don’t know why. I think it’s the look of horror on her face when I say I’m going to turn up one Friday. 
I’m not at all possessive but what has been a joke in the past is now eating away at me. Am I being unreasonable? I’ve chatted it through with her and aired my concerns, saying that I’m worried that a drunken bloke may try it on, but the response was simply that she didn’t want to lie to me and say she’s going somewhere else. 
Im not going to stop her, or make an issue of it, but I have to say it’s eating me up inside. 

[Batya33]

I wouldn't like it.  I think everyone deserves their alone time if they desire -alone and separate from their partner.  It's subjective but her choice of this place has nothing to do with any specific interest or hobby of hers, it's not a place where she meets up with a good friend for one on one time and it involves her giving the impression -especially if she drinks to excess - of being single and looking for men.  She's not exactly playing with fire but it sounds like she wants male attention and she's a regular there so she feels welcome.

In contrast I would feel differently if for example she wanted to go to a bar alone to sing karaoke and wouldn't be comfortable doing this in front of you, wanted to go to the theater or opera or a movie alone because she enjoys the experience more (especially if it is a genre you wouldn't prefer) or wanted to go to a gym or do her workout alone as sort of her time to take space and zone. 

Even if she preferred to go to a particular restaurant for a good meal alone- just take a book with her or her phone - that's also understandable.  I don't think she goes there to be alone or have her "me time" but to be able to behave in a way that wouldn't be appropriate or consistent with a committed relationship if you were to witness what she is doing or trying to do.  I would not like it either.  

[smackie9]

If you are that worried about it, have a friend go that she's never met or knows about. Have them attend and to take note of what is going on. 

[DarkCh0c0]

Trust your gut feeling and hold off buying a house.

Can you go there discretely or get a trusted friend to do so?

I think it's definitely a red flag. She's hiding something. I wouldn't like that at all.

50 minutes ago, Saabman said:

she says all the guys there have been regulars for years and know her well and I’ll just feel left out. 

This is just BS. If it's full of men, they'll welcome you as her partner. It's more like all of them are regulars and know a side of her that you don't know of.

[Rose Mosse]

It may not be the Friday nights out. You’ve chosen that to focus on but I’d take a look more closely at the rest of the relationship. She may have character traits or habits you dislike or would rather not be around. If you have any hesitations, don’t co-own a home with her.

[Lambert]

I would not buy a house with a woman that has basically forbade me from a place she goes to every week.  

As a matter of fact, this would be a deal breaker for me to continue at all.  There's a reason she doesn't want you there and it's probably something that would hurt you. 

She's hiding something. 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

If it was me, I'd go there discretely if possible. If it's a small pub, I'll ask my friend to go and I'll wait for them in the car and show up if they ask me to confirm something in my own eyes.

This really does not feel good. Be prepared.

[indea08]

I agree with the others, this is a red flag and I’d be checking that out before considering cohabitation.

[Kwothe28]

No one knows what its like

To be a bad man

To be a SaabMan

...

Sorry, I had to, moment of inspiration. 😁

Anyway, it depends. Maybe she just wants a girls night. Or just likes the attention of man. But still I would be suspicious only because you are not allowed to come. I would not send a friend, that would get you in a whole lot of trouble and she would attack with "Aha, you send a friend to spy on me" and turned it around. However, I would go with her. If something is suspucious you would need to know before you commit to buy a house and start a life with somebody. 

Also, posessive or not, you would have to think about those kind of stuff for the future. She "forbids" you to go. Would she be doing the same tomorrow if there is some kind of event she wouldnt like you to be? You are maybe not possesive but are you allowing her that much freedom that she can dictate that? There is a balance in everything. You dont have to be "or-or" guy.

[boltnrun]

A man I was dating never wanted me to go with him when he hung out with a certain group of friends. Once I was at his home (at his invitation) and he said he was going to the bar to meet up with them. He instructed me to just stay at his home while he went. I insisted on going with him, which didn't make him happy at all. But I went with him anyway. Turns out, he had been trying to date one woman in the friend group and didn't want her to see me with him. Everyone was very uncomfortable. The next day he called her to apologize for bringing me. He didn't apologize to me. So I chose to stop dating him.

I would insist on going along. Tell her it's just one time because you'd like to meet her friends. If she refuses and won't back down, that would be all the answer I needed.

And I agree, do NOT buy a house with this woman unless and until you are completely certain your relationship is solid.

[MissCanuck]

I'm all for couples having their own "me time" and doing their separate activities.

However, this would not sit well with me. I imagine there is someone there she doesn't want you running into, or people at this pub know something about her that you don't. 

[Saabman]

Thankyou all. Sincerely…. Thankyou. You have each echoed my thoughts and I’m not going mad. 
ive just called to say I want to meet for a beer after work tomorrow. I’ll let you know what happens to conclude the thread. 

[Saabman]

Again, thank you for your replies. We had a good heart to heart last night and she was honest enough to say that it was the friendship group she meets in the pub that was the issue. They are pretty heavy drinkers and loud. Sometimes vulgar and full of banter. It wasn’t the group she wishes to be associated with, just an occasional release now and again. She goes to meet her brother, so feels safe and he looks out for her. 
I do trust her. And believe her. I have to… a relationship without trust is nothing. She said that she wouldn’t go if it caused me anguish but I’m not that possessive. So…. She felt that this particular group would reflect badly on her, but offered to take me for a taster night but warned me to release my inner scaffolder and give as good as I get! We are both professionals in our chosen fields, but I didn’t realise her brother was in the group. I’ll probably give it a go one day, but to conclude, it appears there is nothing sinister going on. 

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, Saabman said:

Again, thank you for your replies. We had a good heart to heart last night and she was honest enough to say that it was the friendship group she meets in the pub that was the issue. They are pretty heavy drinkers and loud. Sometimes vulgar and full of banter. It wasn’t the group she wishes to be associated with, just an occasional release now and again. She goes to meet her brother, so feels safe and he looks out for her. 
I do trust her. And believe her. I have to… a relationship without trust is nothing. She said that she wouldn’t go if it caused me anguish but I’m not that possessive. So…. She felt that this particular group would reflect badly on her, but offered to take me for a taster night but warned me to release my inner scaffolder and give as good as I get! We are both professionals in our chosen fields, but I didn’t realise her brother was in the group. I’ll probably give it a go one day, but to conclude, it appears there is nothing sinister going on. 

It's good that you've cleared the air. One thing that did stand out to me is that she's about to start a life with a man who she feels that self-conscious around. If I put myself in your shoes I'd want to see every aspect of a person and know all about them before pursuing more entanglements and commitments with that person. Since you are both professionals and she's doing nothing wrong, why does she worry so much about the people she is with? Seems overly paranoid to me and self-conscious and those are traits and habits I'd watch for as it drives individuals to hide things when they certainly don't need to. 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Saabman said:

I’ll probably give it a go one day

Oh buddy. Not one day. As soon as you can. Because this still seems "sus" to me. Having a trust is good. Having too much trust is just being naive. Wont do you good, nore even your partner. 

Also, you should at least know to what kind of crowd she hangs out with. That is usually a good indication to what kind of person you are dealing with. Because we tend to surround ourselves with similar people.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Because this still seems "sus" to me.

I agree, actually. 

Why wouldn't she have explained all of this before, including the fact that her brother is there? 

[boltnrun]

I would tell her you're going to join her next time. Assure her you won't judge or be embarrassed by her rowdy friends. Tell her you feel like cutting loose too. If she insists you "can't" go, I'd think long and hard about whether you want to continue with someone who doesn't want you around her friends.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Saabman said:

I do trust her. And believe her. I have to… a relationship without trust is nothing.  She felt that this particular group would reflect badly on her, but offered to take me for a taster night but warned me to release my inner scaffolder .

Definitely join her not because of  "trust issues" but rather to see another aspect of her. Especially when you are rushing into buying a house. You need to know who you're really with. That's important.

[Andrina]

I know that my activities changed from when I was single, to being in a serious, exclusive relationship.

I don't care if my husband goes to a bar a few times a year with a buddy, but I would not have continued to date him if he did this as regularly as it sounds like your gf does. 

Most people who care about the health of their relationship won't do anything that would compromise the sanctity of that union.

Atop those existing red flags, the fact that this group has people of both genders since her brother attends and you haven't been invited, is really alarming. What doesn't she want you to see? I have a feeling that she's finding it hard to fully leave the single life, and the excitement of attention from other men. 

Perhaps consider she's not ready to act like she should in an exclusive relationship. Don't let time invested and the love you feel override your gut. When your gut is regularly roiling, it means the relationship isn't the right one for you. I, myself, prefer that my partner have hobbies that don't involve drinking and being around vulgar people. Was that the sort of ideal partner you envisioned when you thought about who "the one" would be?

[Batya33]

Andrina makes a good point.  It's understandable when the spouse doesn't want her husband attending her mani-pedi followed by big salads for lunch with three of the girlfriends every couple of months (nor should husband wish to attend) - or like my husband used to have his annual expedition to a water park or amusement park with high school friends until they were in their 40s (it would still be happening but one passed away, we moved away, etc) - even then I assume I would have been invited but I'm not into rides, etc and it was his time to catch up with his high school buddies -no drinking/partying involved just good ole fun.  This is different, I agree.

[lostandhurt]

Good that you talked it out but remember this:

Who she is isn't just who she has shown you.  She is the person that chooses friends and associates with those friends.  She is the person from her past and present so you need to know what you are getting into and not just for the show we all put on with the new person in our lives.

 I am sure it is not as bad as she thinks and when you date or marry someone the friends and family come as a package deal so you might as well find out now. 

This still sounds sketchy so see for yourself a few times, once for sure when she doesn't know you are showing up so you can get a real unwatered down taste for these friends and her behavior.  Interesting she didn't mention her brother earlier, I am sure you will be able to converse with him...

Lost

[Fudgie]

On 4/19/2022 at 1:10 PM, smackie9 said:

If you are that worried about it, have a friend go that she's never met or knows about. Have them attend and to take note of what is going on. 

OP, do not move in/buy a house with this woman until you do this. 

Your gut is screaming for a reason. Why did she look so horrified when you said you would show up? I would not show up but get a good/trusted friend (male) to show up in place, someone that she would not know/recognize. Do that and then go from there.

[tattoobunnie]

She isn't proud enough of these people to want to associate with them, but still hangs out with them every Friday?  If you based it on plain arithmetic, her excuse doesn't add up.  Don't buy a house with her just yet...whether she 's interested in someone else or not, she's hiding 14% of herself by choice.  You have every right to know the good, the bad, the ugly about someone you are planning to spend the rest of your life with.  That's not about being possessive or jealous...it's about knowing who your partner is in any environment.

[boltnrun]

I think if you're at the point where you send someone to spy on your fiancee the relationship is already doomed.

[Wiseman2]

On 4/21/2022 at 8:43 AM, Saabman said:

I’ll probably give it a go one day, but to conclude, it appears there is nothing sinister going on. 

You seem almost afraid to find out more about her. Sort of that howling noise in the shed or basement you don't want to address.

Maybe it's a raccoon, maybe it's a werewolf, but sticking your head in the sand to not rock the boat is not a good way to go forward. Do Not buy real estate together.