Guy I am dating is suffering from ED and wants to be alone...

[jah234]

I was dating this guy (exclusively) for about 4 months now. Everything was good with us up until a few weeks ago. He went out of town for a few days too a bachelor party. It was during my bday so we both agreed to see each other when he got back. However, I have not seen him since.

We always see each other once a week, usually on Friday and sometimes we see each other on Saturday as well. The first weekend he came back from his trip, we were supposed to meet up but h said he was feeling really sick and cancelled saying that he needed to get a cover test. So we didn't see each other that week and planned to see each other the following week. The next week he calls me the day of our date to tell me that a family member ended up in the hospital and he had to drive his mother out of town to be with that family member. Of course I understood and told him id still like to see him. he agreed but then called later on that night to tell me he wasn't going to be able to make it because he was tired. I was disappointed so I left it alone. I rescheduled till the next week, this time he calls me on Thursday to tell me his grandfather died. I didnt expect to see him so I asked if he was still planning on seeing each other given the situation and he said yes. The day of the date, he called 1/2 before our date to tell me he wasn't going to be able to make it at the time he said he was. When I asked him what time, he then started to say he didnt know and blah blah, at that point I didnt even want to hear it, I told him to forget it and I got off the phone. 

This was really bothering me because at this point I felt like he was avoiding me and just making excuses but at the same time I felt conflicted because his excuses were legit. so I asked him flat out if there was any shift in his feelings for me, if he had met someone else, lost interest etc. I told him hat I felt like he was avoiding me and He swore on his grandfathers grave that none of that was the issue. He then said that he has been unable to get an erection since he came back from his trip. He said he noticed it at the strip club, then when he came back and tried watching porn. he said it would only get semi hard. He said he believes he is suffering from ED and needs to get checked out. He even semi blamed me for this issue stating that my mention of his smoking and drinking habits being unhealthy and causing issues is why he is going through this. He said I spoke this into his life. I was hurt by that but I let it go. Understanding how traumatic having ED could be for him, I told him I understood and that we didnt have to do anything, we can just chill. I told him I just wanted to see him and be around him. He said he wanted to see me too, but declined saying that he didnt feel right coming over and didnt feel like himself. 

I asked if we could see each other the following week because I haven't seen him in almost a month and I didnt get to see him for my birthday. He agreed. we continued to talk to each other daily throughout the week leading up to it. We talked about his mix of tobacco and marijuana use, alcohol consumption, poor eating and sleeping habits as a possibility. He said he believes its mental because he suffers from anxiety and that he is sick. I asked him if he wanted me to fall back and he got annoyed of the suggestion so I left it alone. On Thursday I asked if he still planned on seeing me on Friday and asked not to cancel on me again. He said yes, that was the plan unless something came up. that didnt sit right with me but I left it alone. 

Friday came and I didnt get my normal good morning text from him and I got a bad feeling. I called him to see if he was still coming and he didnt answer. After about an hour or so I text him and he didnt answer. This is not normal for him as he always answers my calls and text in a decent time and he was not at work this  day because he is off on Fridays. Then out of the blue, I go this text.

"Im not going be able to come im sorry but i cant right now if u dont wanna talk to me no more i understand but i gotta take some time for me i need to be alone right now no distractions if u cant respect that than idk what to say"

I was shocked, confused and numb at reading this. I tried to call him to discuss what he meant and he wouldn't answer. I tried to text him but he never  responded. I was forced to leave it and now I dont know what to think. I don't know if this is his way of breaking up with me, if he just needs some time (and if he does I dont know how much time because I was unable to ask him) Its been 3 days and I have heard nothing from him. What should I do? Should I move on or give him some time?

I do understand that he is going through something, but why shut someone out that is understanding and actually cares about you.

[Lambert]

oh geez... I am sorry. But here's the thing ... this guy is not a good partner. And for that reason not the ED. I think you should walk away.  

If he contacts you in the future you can deal with how you feel about it at that time.

As an outsider here are some serious red flags, you mentioned 

- alcohol abuse, poor nutrition,  Marijuana abuse to the point it could be causing ed. is a big deal

- saying you spoke this into his life and essentially blaming you for his poor life choices. This is total bs! And very telling of the type of person you are dealing with.  Run!

- that heartless text. that basically says, he's out and dont you expect anything from him and if YOU can't handle it, then he doesn't know what.  Then goes silent?? again, very telling of what you're dealing with this guy.... RUN!

All of his misfortunes, the death, the hospital the ED.... Aren't deal breakers. You were probably right to not be so harsh on him.  

But now?  Yeah this guy kind of sucks. not kind of. He does  suck. Consider this a blessing. Move on. 

He's not a catch. You deserve better than a selfish drunk, drug addict that not only can't get it up but can't communicate either.

 

[waffle]

54 minutes ago, jah234 said:

Everything was good with us up until a few weeks ago. He went out of town for a few days too a bachelor party . . . 

I'd be interested to know what really happened at the bachelor party, but you'll probably never know.  In any event I would not wait around for this clown to pull his head out of his arse.  He said to leave him alone, that's exactly what I'd do.

[Kwothe28]

So let me get this straight: Instead of coming to see you after your birthday, to congratulate you properly, to bring present, celebrate, he was all focused on his d i c k i e being flabby and couldnt do it because of that? Or at least so he says? Yeah, I wouldnt cry too much about that guy either way. His ED might just be an excuse. No matter what happened, when somebody tries that hard to avoid you, they really, really, dont want to see you. He could just take you out on a date, no sex involved. Instead he avoided you for a month and broke up over text. And make no mistake, that is a break up. You shouldnt wait for him, you dont own him that or even anything after the way he acted, just move on. On the other hand, excessive drinking, weed, could be a reasons for a flabby d i c k i e. But he should seek help for that. Instead he even low key blamed you. To make you feel guilty, because, hey, its not like his lifestyle could be the problem but it has to be someone else. I am sorry, but yes, he is not a good partner.

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, jah234 said:

He said he believes he is suffering from ED and needs to get checked out. He even semi blamed me for this issue stating that my mention of his smoking and drinking habits being unhealthy and causing issues is why he is going through this. He said I spoke this into his life. I was hurt by that but I let it go.

I'm pretty sure this is what's caused his distancing.

You did not like his 'style' and you spoke up about all of that, fine.. BUT, you cannot change someone.  And I believe he is how he is and felt like he was possibly being pinned down about his habits & life choices.

Has only been 4 months.. time to just walk away & say no more.  Not worth it.

[catfeeder]

At what point might it have occurred to you that this guy is not a good match?

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, jah234 said:

Everything was good with us up until a few weeks ago. He went out of town for a few days too a bachelor party.

Something happened at that bachelor party. Everything changed after that and I don't believe it's all down to ED. He just picked that excuse because you can't really argue it's probably more palatable than the truth. 

5 hours ago, jah234 said:

We talked about his mix of tobacco and marijuana use, alcohol consumption, poor eating and sleeping habits

If you have this laundry list of issues with him, then you need to realize this is not the right guy for you. It sounds like a significant lifestyle incompatibility. 

I would let him stay gone. Too many red flags. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, jah234 said:

I tried to text him but he never  responded. I was forced to leave it and now I dont know what to think. I don't know if this is his way of breaking up with me, 

Sorry this is happening. How old is he?

You need to end it. He's already tiptoeing out of the relationship and you know it. Just too cowardly to break-up.

At just 16 weeks dating, cut your losses. He has too many bad habits, you're frustrated by his ED, you're trying to fix him 

Just let go. The whole thing is just becoming a headache and heartache you don't need.

Make sure past issues aren't playing a role in keeping you in the nightmare.

 

[poorlittlefish]

6 hours ago, waffle said:

I'd be interested to know what really happened at the bachelor party, but you'll probably never know.  In any event I would not wait around for this clown to pull his head out of his arse.  He said to leave him alone, that's exactly what I'd do.

I agree.  He may have gone for a test when he got home, but I doubt it was for Covid.

[jah234]

11 hours ago, Lambert said:

oh geez... I am sorry. But here's the thing ... this guy is not a good partner. And for that reason not the ED. I think you should walk away.  

If he contacts you in the future you can deal with how you feel about it at that time.

As an outsider here are some serious red flags, you mentioned 

- alcohol abuse, poor nutrition,  Marijuana abuse to the point it could be causing ed. is a big deal

- saying you spoke this into his life and essentially blaming you for his poor life choices. This is total bs! And very telling of the type of person you are dealing with.  Run!

- that heartless text. that basically says, he's out and dont you expect anything from him and if YOU can't handle it, then he doesn't know what.  Then goes silent?? again, very telling of what you're dealing with this guy.... RUN!

All of his misfortunes, the death, the hospital the ED.... Aren't deal breakers. You were probably right to not be so harsh on him.  

But now?  Yeah this guy kind of sucks. not kind of. He does  suck. Consider this a blessing. Move on. 

He's not a catch. You deserve better than a selfish drunk, drug addict that not only can't get it up but can't communicate either.

 

Thank you. I agree. Im just hurt by it all because I really tried to be supportive and didn't deserve what he gave me. I tried to provide  safe place for him to communicate and he continued to tell me everything was ok except he was suffering from his anxiety. Then out of the blue I get that heartless text, not  even a call. I think thats what hurt the most. That and his refusal to even give me the option to discuss and make sure I understood that he was saying to me.

[jah234]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How old is he?

You need to end it. He's already tiptoeing out of the relationship and you know it. Just too cowardly to break-up.

At just 16 weeks dating, cut your losses. He has too many bad habits, you're frustrated by his ED, you're trying to fix him 

Just let go. The whole thing is just becoming a headache and heartache you don't need.

Make sure past issues aren't playing a role in keeping you in the nightmare.

 

he is 33. I wasn't sure he was tiptoeing out of the relationship, because I gave him plenty of opportunity to communicate and get out if thats what he wanted, but he kept denying it. The text really caught me off guard. It really hurt to read that.

[jah234]

6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Something happened at that bachelor party. Everything changed after that and I don't believe it's all down to ED. He just picked that excuse because you can't really argue it's probably more palatable than the truth. 

If you have this laundry list of issues with him, then you need to realize this is not the right guy for you. It sounds like a significant lifestyle incompatibility. 

I would let him stay gone. Too many red flags. 

he wont have to worry about me anymore. I wont ever contact him again or accept him back after this. Its just unfair that im the one who got hurt in this and didnt deserve it all all. I tried to be very supportive and allow safe communication. it didnt work.

[jah234]

10 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

So let me get this straight: Instead of coming to see you after your birthday, to congratulate you properly, to bring present, celebrate, he was all focused on his d i c k i e being flabby and couldnt do it because of that? Or at least so he says? Yeah, I wouldnt cry too much about that guy either way. His ED might just be an excuse. No matter what happened, when somebody tries that hard to avoid you, they really, really, dont want to see you. He could just take you out on a date, no sex involved. Instead he avoided you for a month and broke up over text. And make no mistake, that is a break up. You shouldnt wait for him, you dont own him that or even anything after the way he acted, just move on. On the other hand, excessive drinking, weed, could be a reasons for a flabby d i c k i e. But he should seek help for that. Instead he even low key blamed you. To make you feel guilty, because, hey, its not like his lifestyle could be the problem but it has to be someone else. I am sorry, but yes, he is not a good partner.

yes! I agree. I just hate that im the one that ended up hurt over this. 

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, jah234 said:

I tried to provide  safe place for him to communicate and he continued to tell me everything was ok except he was suffering from his anxiety. 

It's important not to play therapist or treat dating like social work where you try to fix people's mental or physical health problems, substance abuse issues etc.

 Next time choose people without this many deal-breakers and cut your losses early if a tsunami of issues comes your way.

[Batya33]

44 minutes ago, jah234 said:

Thank you. I agree. Im just hurt by it all because I really tried to be supportive and didn't deserve what he gave me. I tried to provide  safe place for him to communicate and he continued to tell me everything was ok except he was suffering from his anxiety. Then out of the blue I get that heartless text, not  even a call. I think thats what hurt the most. That and his refusal to even give me the option to discuss and make sure I understood that he was saying to me.

You don't need to get all fancy and think you need to "provide a safe place to communicate" -you're not his mother or his therapist. It's more than enough to have been dating him seriously for months and if it's not obvious to him by your very presence in his life that he can talk to you about what's bothering him it's a nonstarter.  I'm not about the fancy words but if you tell yourself you have to go all out in some extra way when your boyfriend is feeling down -you don't.  Just be your typical self - trust that you know how to show someone you care as a regular ole person.  No need to "provide", no need for a "safe place" -

I could be on my phone or distracted and if my husband randomly starts telling me about what just stressed him out he knows if at all possible I will put down my phone and look right at him and stop and listen.  Sometimes he'll ask me in advance if it's a good time to talk. I try to say yes if at all possible.  But he knows all of this - because - common sense - I'm with him and I'm his partner.  If I felt I needed to show him some therapeutic "safe place to communicate" above and beyond "here I am, I'm all ears honey" - then that would be a major concern for the health of the relationship.

[Lambert]

51 minutes ago, jah234 said:

Thank you. I agree. Im just hurt by it all because I really tried to be supportive and didn't deserve what he gave me. I tried to provide  safe place for him to communicate and he continued to tell me everything was ok except he was suffering from his anxiety. Then out of the blue I get that heartless text, not  even a call. I think thats what hurt the most. That and his refusal to even give me the option to discuss and make sure I understood that he was saying to me.

I totally get what you're saying.  you deserved better. In the past, I had a similar experience... the guy kept saying that everything was OK etc. Only to have it blow up. I was also very hurt by that. 

In time, I stopped questioning it. I came to the conclusion that in relationships both people are responsible for telling each other their needs, their problems, how they are feeling.

So something was definitely off with this guy. As someone else said, maybe something happened at the bachelor party. in my case I think my ex slept with his ex. 

So it's like there's definitely something you don't know that made him turn heartless. And it's more than likely shame within him for something he did.  like get a std from a stripper at bachelor party or being a total mess and having sex with your ex wife because she cheated on you. 

You get what I'm saying? you're better off. 

hang in there

[jah234]

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

I totally get what you're saying.  you deserved better. In the past, I had a similar experience... the guy kept saying that everything was OK etc. Only to have it blow up. I was also very hurt by that. 

In time, I stopped questioning it. I came to the conclusion that in relationships both people are responsible for telling each other their needs, their problems, how they are feeling.

So something was definitely off with this guy. As someone else said, maybe something happened at the bachelor party. in my case I think my ex slept with his ex. 

So it's like there's definitely something you don't know that made him turn heartless. And it's more than likely shame within him for something he did.  like get a std from a stripper at bachelor party or being a total mess and having sex with your ex wife because she cheated on you. 

You get what I'm saying? you're better off. 

hang in there

Thank you. Yes I do get what you are saying. Something is off and i'm going to give him what he asked for....permanently 

[jah234]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

You don't need to get all fancy and think you need to "provide a safe place to communicate" -you're not his mother or his therapist. It's more than enough to have been dating him seriously for months and if it's not obvious to him by your very presence in his life that he can talk to you about what's bothering him it's a nonstarter.  I'm not about the fancy words but if you tell yourself you have to go all out in some extra way when your boyfriend is feeling down -you don't.  Just be your typical self - trust that you know how to show someone you care as a regular ole person.  No need to "provide", no need for a "safe place" -

I could be on my phone or distracted and if my husband randomly starts telling me about what just stressed him out he knows if at all possible I will put down my phone and look right at him and stop and listen.  Sometimes he'll ask me in advance if it's a good time to talk. I try to say yes if at all possible.  But he knows all of this - because - common sense - I'm with him and I'm his partner.  If I felt I needed to show him some therapeutic "safe place to communicate" above and beyond "here I am, I'm all ears honey" - then that would be a major concern for the health of the relationship.

my use of safe place was not me going all out. Its a figure of speech meaning, I gave him ample opportunities to talk, take space and or express how he was feeling. I've asked him if his feelings for me have changed, is he into someone else etc and he denied it all and got annoyed when I asked him if he wanted me to fall back and let him be. So doing all of that, I didnt deserve this random break up text. Im even more upset that I didnt even know that it was a break up text because of how it was written. 

[smackie9]

When they do a 180, it usually means they have cheated. I say he's just being a coward. When the excuses become long and complex, they are trying to make their lies convincing.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, jah234 said:

I gave him ample opportunities to talk, take space and or express how he was feeling. I've asked him if his feelings for me have changed, is he into someone else etc and he denied it all and got annoyed when I asked him if he wanted me to fall back and let him be.

You shouldn't have to think, feel. make choice for or speak for anyone. He has a voice.

He doesn't want this therapy-speak, no one does. Don't fix people. 

This entire dialogue is as passive-aggressive as it is condescending. 

Just do what's right for you, be more observant of actions and stay in your own lane.

[jah234]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You shouldn't have to think, feel. make choice for or speak for anyone. He has a voice.

He doesn't want this therapy-speak, no one does. Don't fix people. 

This entire dialogue is as passive-aggressive as it is condescending. 

Just do what's right for you, be more observant of actions and stay in your own lane.

What??? I was not trying to fix him. If I'm confused or if I notice something that doesn't sit right with me, i'm going to ask about it and thats what I did. I had every right to have that conversation because he was behaving differently. This had nothing to do with fixing him, I didn't even know he had an issue that needed to be fixed. We are adults, what I expected was clear communication which in the way it ended meant that he wasn't. 

[boltnrun]

I wonder if he hooked up with a stripper or prostitute at the bachelor party and contracted herpes or gonorrhea.

He doesn't want to "talk", that much is clear.

This one is a done deal, I'm afraid. I'm sorry you're hurt but yes, it's time to move on.

[MissCanuck]

53 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I wonder if he hooked up with a stripper or prostitute at the bachelor party and contracted herpes or gonorrhea.

I actually wondered the same thing. 

Something happened that weekend. And OP, it's probably better that he avoided you thereafter, because I have a bad feeling that he was trying to protect you from something. Yes, he should have told you but this guy doesn't sound like the most mature or stand-up indiviual anyway. 

[smackie9]

He did cheat that weekend IMO. Like I said...coward. And to breakup over text speaks volumes.

[Jibralta]

22 hours ago, jah234 said:

I do understand that he is going through something, but why shut someone out that is understanding and actually cares about you.

Because he doesn't value people who care for him, plain and simple.

I'm amazed that he said wouldn't come to see you because his penis wasn't working.

Think about that.

He thinks it's fine to say that there's no point in him seeing you if he can't have sex with you.

It speaks volumes about his mentality.

I agree with others that he probably cheated on you when he was away, and that he doesn't want to admit it or get caught. 

You were right to cut him loose. Sorry you're hurting, but