Dispute topic

[Skcir2019]

My girlfriend and I have been secretly dating until some mutual issues are dealt with.

My question where I have a problem with is as follows, my gf started a gym and made some friends. There is one guy from the gym who is generally rude as part of his personality started to show a bit of interest in her and asked her to kiss him when they were alone where he even told her that he liked her. She denied him and told him don’t ruin their friendship and he said that he would want to have her as a friend than not at all. A few days later he bought her Valentine’s chocolate and balloons and sent it to her. He has even progressed to grab or smack her ass a few times and she told him to stop because people were around. I got very upset and we argued and i told her to stop talking to him and she told me that she did nothing wrong so she continued to talk to him. 
Following this there was a time when all of gym person went out and he was there and he kept sticking to her and making sure she was good. She even went home to his place to drop off food and cake while he was having a birthday gathering on that same day. 
On the last time they met he asked her again for a kiss because they were alone in her car and she refused. He has always made lewd and suggestive jokes about both of them in front of their gym associates. She keeps insisting that she loves her gym and doesn’t want to cause any type of issues.
we argued again and she keeps saying that he doesn’t like her and I am only making an issue and argument from nothing.

He calls her and messages her everyday and she told me that it is her phone and she doesn’t have a problem with it because she doesn’t always answer.

we argue very badly about this weekly and it has definite taken a toll in our relationship.

 

1. Am I wrong to ask her to stop talking to him and to tell him the actual words when he attempts to grab her that she doesn’t like that and never do it again?

2. Am I making a deal out of something I shouldn’t

3. Is she right for continuing to talk to him, even though it may not be personal conversations?

4. Is she right for telling me everytime he makes a rude comment towards her that it is just his personality and I shouldn’t be bothered?

5. Am I being naive?

5. Is she being naive?

[Seraphim]

I would break up. If she was truly interested in you she would tell him to bugger off in no uncertain terms. 

[LaHermes]

5 minutes ago, Skcir2019 said:

My girlfriend and I have been secretly dating until some mutual issues are dealt with.

It looks as if this is the problem here.

6 minutes ago, Skcir2019 said:

He has even progressed to grab or smack her ass a few times and she told him to stop because people were around.

Your GF has poor boundaries, OP.  The ill-mannered lout making the lewd advances does so because he is allowed to get away with it. 

 

8 minutes ago, Skcir2019 said:

She keeps insisting that she loves her gym and doesn’t want to cause any type of issues.

What is that supposed to mean?  Issues?

[DarkCh0c0]

1. Why are you dating secretly? Let the guy know she has a bf!

2. Your gf needs to get better with boundaries too. She has to stop being alone around him.

But that doesn't necessarily mean you should break up.

[DancingFool]

I'll just cut to the chase - she engages with him because she likes his attention and doesn't care if that bothers or hurts you or your relationship with her.

You can't tell her what to do or who to talk to or not. You SHOULD judge her for her actions and if you don't agree with what she is doing or how she is treating you, then dump her.

This is why we date people - to get to know who they really are. This girl is showing you that she'd rather have attention from another guy than respect her relationship with you. That's her prerogative. You don't need to be a doormat who puts up with it.

On a side note, stop arguing with her or trying to explain that what she is doing is wrong. She knows, she just doesn't care.

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, Skcir2019 said:

My girlfriend and I have been secretly dating

How long have you been dating and why is it a secret?

Are you from different cultures? Is there parental disapproval?

Are either of you married/living with someone?

As far as her and this guy smooching, spending time in her car, valentines gifts, etc. Well you know she's encouraging him and  having sex with him.

After all you're a big secret for some reason, right?

[boltnrun]

Why doesn't she want anyone to know about you?

[SherrySher]

"Secretly" dating? Hmmm, that seems suspect.

As for this other guy, she enjoys his attention. She is well aware of his attraction to her, and she does not want that attention to go away, or for you to ruin it for her.

She is playing both sides of the fence, and you're sitting there allowing it.

You needs to end it, she is not loyal, nor is she honest. She is also making you look stupid.

 

[SherrySher]

1. Am I wrong to ask her to stop talking to him and to tell him the actual words when he attempts to grab her that she doesn’t like that and never do it again? No, you're not wrong for asking. If she is your girlfriend, it's a matter of respect that she not engage with other men like this. 

2. Am I making a deal out of something I shouldn’t? No, you're not making a deal out of nothing. She is enjoying the attention of another man who is clearly attracted to her. I doubt anyone would be comfortable with their partner behaving this way.

3. Is she right for continuing to talk to him, even though it may not be personal conversations? No, she's not right.

4. Is she right for telling me every time he makes a rude comment towards her that it is just his personality and I shouldn’t be bothered? No, she's not right. I feel like she's doing this to create jealousy. She quite clearly enjoys his attention, or she would have stopped talking to him long ago.

5. Am I being naive? Possibly, yes.

5. Is she being naive? I doubt it. She is well aware of what this man wants. She still continues to talk to him, despite.

[Kwothe28]

I am gona tell you something one family friend told me a long time ago while I was still a teen: "Son, if a guy passes you and your girl in town and smacks her butt there is no need for fighting. Let her tell him to Foff and move on. If she doesnt and expects you to hit him, she aint worth it". Meaning that if she expects you to react and literally fight for her, she would like that kind of behavior. And that you should go away from that.

He literally smacked her butt lol. I dunno, poor boundaries or not, going to gym is one thing. Going out with people from the gym, letting him getting that personal, him sending valentines to her, going to his home, alone in his car? Nobody does that just to "not cause trouble". At best, she likes attention, at worst she has something with the guy. You are being naive if you think she is just being "friendly" there. I wouldnt react toward him because, again, that is exactly what she wants. If she continues to do that toward him, just move away.

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, Skcir2019 said:

He calls her and messages her everyday and she told me that it is her phone and she doesn’t have a problem with it because she doesn’t always answer.

So, are they that good of 'friends' that she has handed out her number to this jerk? 😕 .

She has NO respect for your relationship, IMO.  She should NOT be allowing this, more like tell him to just STOP, leave her alone,, or else, kinda thing.

I feel she enjoys this attention... because IF this were me and a guy approached me or touched me when I was involved - or not -, I would be getting mighty ticked.

 

[Cherylyn]

1.  No, you're not wrong.

2.  No, you're not making a big deal. 

3.  No, it's not right for her to continue talking to him. 

4.  No, it's not right for her to defend the gym guy nor tell you that you shouldn't be bothered. 

5.  No, you're not being naive.   No, she is not naive.  She knows what she's doing.  She's playing both sides of the fence, enjoys flirtations with the gym guy, enjoys the attention she receives from the gym guy while stringing you along.  She's playing you for a fool. 

You shouldn't have to tell her to stop talking to him, telling her to tell him to stop sexually harassing her, telling her to tell him she doesn't like it and never do it again.  She should have common sense.  She should've also reported him to the gym manager.  Everything is on surveillance camera or usually is.  It's not uncommon to report sexual harassment at gyms yet she doesn't have common sense to take action and do the right thing.  

She should've told the gym guy to stop talking to her and to leave her alone OR she would report him to gym management or police. 

And, she went to his home to deliver food and cake for his birthday?  You need to dump her.

Your girlfriend is disrespecting you horribly and disrespecting her relationship with you. 

You can't control nor change your girlfriend.  She will not change for you.  You don't have to like it but you have to accept her personality and character as is.  The only change comes from you.  You need to break up with her if you want peace of mind.  Let people behave however way they prefer as long as you're not involved with their unacceptable and intolerable characters.  It's better to be alone than feel lonely with the wrong person or wrong people in your life. 

It was not all in vain.  Live and learn.  You've learned to become a better judge of character which is to your benefit.  Only accept very high quality people in your life.  Everyone else doesn't qualify nor deserves to be with you. 

 

[Bothered2021]

I don’t think you are wrong for how you feel about the situation. I do think it makes 0 sense to be in a “secret” relationship 

[HeartGoesOn]

5 hours ago, Skcir2019 said:

1. Am I wrong to ask her to stop talking to him and to tell him the actual words when he attempts to grab her that she doesn’t like that and never do it again?

No.  She's an adult, she knows right from wrong, and it's not your job to raise her.  She apparently loves the attention, while having little regard towards your feelings.  Why participate in her immature little game?

I'd start by asking yourself where's the attraction, and where do you see this going.

[smackie9]

You are being a shlep for letting her get away with all this. Most people would call "dating in secret" a big red flag and a deal breaker...she must be incredibly hot.

[catfeeder]

First, I'd never settle for being a 'secret' in anyone's life. From there, it's all downhill, have you noticed?

Consider from whom you're getting your information, then decide whether your chain is getting yanked.

You settle for secrecy, and now you're listening to entertaining stories about what happens 'to' GF while she pretends that she's not dating you?

How stupid is that?

I'd walk away from this instead of winding myself up over it. The whole premise of secrecy is just one big drama waiting to happen...

...and so, guess what! It's happening.

[boltnrun]

I think the OP is a "hit and run" poster.  Hasn't come back.

[Skcir2019]

I appreciate all the feedback thus far.

Just for clarity, the secrecy is only because of a legal issue that is being sorted and agreed to by both of us.

But I see the gist of the context and where you guys are heading with it.

[boltnrun]

15 minutes ago, Skcir2019 said:

I appreciate all the feedback thus far.

Just for clarity, the secrecy is only because of a legal issue that is being sorted and agreed to by both of us.

But I see the gist of the context and where you guys are heading with it.

Is she married?  Or going through a divorce?

[MissCanuck]

20 minutes ago, Skcir2019 said:

the secrecy is only because of a legal issue that is being sorted and agreed to by both of us.

A divorce? 

Either way, she is clearly not committed to you. She likes the attention from this other guy and is making it very obvious that she does not take your "secret" relationship seriously. 

If you can't openly date someone, it's not a relationship worth having. That's for teens hiding their relationship from strict parents, not for 2 grown adults. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Skcir2019 said:

, the secrecy is only because of a legal issue that is being sorted and agreed to by both of us

She has a real BF as you can see, so you need to straighten out this legal issue.

It's odd you are complaining about her dating this guy when you're cheating on your wife.