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Should I text to confirm?


Popi33
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I had this message exchange with this guy I'm seeing for some time, we are sort of dating and slept together:

Him: Im going to a standup comedy show with a friend of mine im the evening. I am free afterwards. Around 10-11 probably

Me: Awesome! Call me if u want once you're done, we can meet in the centre and go at this party or somewhere else for drinks.

Him: Gooood

 

Me: see you later!

He hasn't called me yet neither texted. Mind that we met two days ago and he told me I love you (we see each other about a month).

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This is just a lazy invite for a booty call — you are supposed to wait around for him and if he gets to it, you will be graced with his presence. I love you when seeing each other only once a month is likely not completely realistic. If you want a relationship look for someone who wants one as well. If you are okay with this, don’t follow up. Don’t let him think you are just waiting around for him. See what happens. 

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1 minute ago, arjumand said:

This is just a lazy invite for a booty call — you are supposed to wait around for him and if he gets to it, you will be graced with his presence. I love you when seeing each other only once a month is likely not completely realistic. If you want a relationship look for someone who wants one as well. If you are okay with this, don’t follow up. Don’t let him think you are just waiting around for him. See what happens. 

No we arent seeing each other once a month, he's pretty consistent arranging dates. We met five times in a week, it's the first time I asked him out actually.

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7 minutes ago, Popi33 said:

No we arent seeing each other once a month, he's pretty consistent arranging dates. We met five times in a week, it's the first time I asked him out actually.

You said in your original post that you see each other once a month!  Which is it?

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55 minutes ago, Popi33 said:

Him: Im going to a standup comedy show with a friend of mine im the evening. I am free afterwards. Around 10-11 probably

Me: Awesome! Call me if u want once you're done, we can meet in the centre and go at this party or somewhere else for drinks.

Him: Gooood

Me: see you later!

He hasn't called me yet neither texted.

Are you exclusive?

Sounds like he's busy with another date and may be down for a hookup if that doesn't work.

 NO don't text him or agree to meet after he goes out with others.

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3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Are all your dates at home?

Why didn't he invite you to the comedy show?

No they aren't, this is our first one. It's in another language I don't understand. I live abroad and he's local and this was a live show by locals.

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1 hour ago, Popi33 said:

Me: Awesome! Call me if u want once you're done, we can meet in the centre and go at this party or somewhere else for drinks.

You were concise so he understood the message and called but I personally have a problem about the bold part. Dont be a "coat hangar". Meaning a person that he can just call whenever he wants. People dont take that as a good thing, people often take advantage of that. If you arranged a date be very on point, dont depend on whether he would call or not. What if he decided to stay with friends on a drink after the show? OK, he called now but be careful. Because you are setting a precedent for later.

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4 hours ago, arjumand said:

This is just a lazy invite for a booty call — you are supposed to wait around for him and if he gets to it, you will be graced with his presence. I love you when seeing each other only once a month is likely not completely realistic. If you want a relationship look for someone who wants one as well. If you are okay with this, don’t follow up. Don’t let him think you are just waiting around for him. See what happens. 

ding ding ding!!!! 🔔

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17 hours ago, Popi33 said:

Mind that we met two days ago and he told me I love you (we see each other about a month).

He does not 'love' you.  You see him on occasion, most likely for sex... yes?

You're a convenience.  Don't get too into this guy so fast.

He could grow cold quickly.

Re: your post question - Why did you ask IF you should text to confirm?

 

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It sounds like you two have an arrangement then and the original question was answered. In some languages there are different ways of saying I love you. It may not be as deep as you think but go with it if you enjoy each others' company. You said you were not local to this area. It's only a month so take your time and have fun. 

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If you want reassurance he's the wrong person for that and this is the wrong arrangement.  You won't need reassurance if you are properly dating someone -meaning he asks you out on a date he plans in advance, most often in public, he shows up on time and is enthusiastic about seeing you, he offers to pay or has planned something that is free/inexpensive. 

Then typically you invite him out (traditionally after he's planned a few dates and you've shown enthusiasm and interest and offered to chip in or pay) - or non-traditionally you ask him out on a date you plan in advance and he enthusiastically accepts and is reliable. Here's the reassurance piece -if he is asking you out on proper dates or accepting your invitation for proper dates with enthusiasm and reliability, your reassurance will be his actions in asking or accepting because his behavior and actions and reactions will show he is interested in going on dates with you.  You need reassurance because you're lying to yourself. 

You want what I described and instead you settled for a sexual arrangement at his convenience -you settled for scraps and because you chose to settle you now feel needy.

Of course many people would be happy with a sexual arrangement -the way they would know they are happy is a sense of comfort and security with their choice.  They would enjoy the sexual part of it and not try to tell themselves it was "sort of dating." 

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On 7/17/2021 at 5:27 PM, Rose Mosse said:

It sounds like you two have an arrangement then and the original question was answered. In some languages there are different ways of saying I love you. It may not be as deep as you think but go with it if you enjoy each others' company. You said you were not local to this area. It's only a month so take your time and have fun. 

Yes indeed my brain is going on full speed. I haven't heard from him since yesterday that he left my place. My anxiety and insecurity are taking over.

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Each time you reach out for reassurance, the more anxiety will continue. Stop the cycle. Best way to deal with it is to, find other things to do as a distraction. More distractions, the less time your brain fusses over it.

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16 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Each time you reach out for reassurance, the more anxiety will continue. Stop the cycle. Best way to deal with it is to, find other things to do as a distraction. More distractions, the less time your brain fusses over it.

Yes indeed. It's just hard for me to stop those negative thoughts from developing, for example did he lost interest, found someone new, regret saying these things to me or never meant it. I was thinking next time I see him to genuinely ask him how does he view this between us since he suggested to give it a try and get to know each other. But then he doesn't text me much only to arrange a date. I don't like forcing things so I haven't reached out either. I'm scared that he'll just disappear without a warning and it'll sting cause I actually felt for him. Everytime we meet he says I'm absolutely amazing and I inspire him intellectually. I guess I have low self esteem and no faith in myself to believe that someone genuinely means it.

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We do not have enough information to have any kind of informed opinion about what he feels for you.

However, you said you are "sort of" dating, you "think" you are exclusive, and you "want reassurance" about him. Maybe it's time to have the talk and ask him if he wants to go steady?

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He told me I love you on our fifth date and that he's slowly falling in love with me. Last night we were at my place after sex I told him I wanna be with you and he said I wanna be with you too (but we were sex high so I don't take it seriously although I said it and meant it). When we cooled down he said we can actually try it if we don't *** it all up but he t thinks it will be hard for us to *** it up cause he trusts me. He left in the morning but hasn't texted me and neither did I. We didn't text each other a lot from the beginning only to plan a date but I thought after having this talk things would have been progressing like texting or calling. He would text me every two days or call me to go out. My insecurity is when I don't hear from him and now saying I love you to me messed my head up. Not sure if I should try to reach out and ask him to go to the movies as we discussed (no concrete plan) or not. Think it's not a good idea as him not reaching out doesn't encourage me to do so but perhaps I'm over thinking it and he thinks it's normal not to text since we'll be seeing each other soon. For me going completely silent triggers my anxiety to the point where I'd reach out just for reassurance. This time I disciplined myself to not do that and go with the flow. The possibility of not hearing from him again hurts.

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20 minutes ago, Popi33 said:

he said we can actually try it if we don't *** it all up but he t thinks it will be hard for us to *** it up cause he trusts me.

That's not really saying anything. I can actually go climb a mountain. It will be hard not to do this because there's a mountain right up the street from me. Do I intend to go climb the mountain? No. 

I think you should stop sleeping with him.

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1 minute ago, Jibralta said:

That's not really saying anything. I can actually go climb a mountain. It will be hard not to do this because there's a mountain right up the street from me. Do I intend to go climb the mountain? No. 

I think you should stop sleeping with him.

We haven't actually had a talk about it after that. I changed the subject cause it wasn't something I wanted to get into at 4am with my hormones all high. Not sure what he meant I found it kind of bull*** also and didn't wanna engage is such a conversation. He told me see you next time baby. I don't want to rush ending it before we have a meaningful talk about it. If he doesn't reach out to me these days then I' ll have my answer.

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12 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

That's not really saying anything. I can actually go climb a mountain. It will be hard not to do this because there's a mountain right up the street from me. Do I intend to go climb the mountain? No. 

I think you should stop sleeping with him.

I said few stuff being sex high, didn't mean I wanna be with you okay let's get into a relationship here and now. We discussed it earlier and I told him I don't want a relationship cause my previous one was toxic and want to take my time before I rush in into anything. He didn't seem to understand it but was trying to convince me that everyone wants to be loved and love and one failed relationship shouldn't be the benchmark in my dating life or something like that. He never had a relationship before or sharing intimacy from what he told me so he is open in experiencing this (this in broader sense not necessarily with me but that he wants to find love).

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