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Should I text to confirm?


Popi33
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7 minutes ago, WalterSobcha said:

How do you expect him to contact you first, text you quickly after meeting, and so forth, when you flat out told him you don't want a relationship?

We were discussing about love and relationships and shared my experience. I wasn't emphatically saying no to a relationship but at the moment I don't want one cause it's the truth and he said he appreciates my honesty. We still spend the night together cuddling and talking. I'd take things slow if he wanted you. Haven't dealt with previous one and my ex was manipulative and narcissist and I carry a baggage from it which hasn't been addressed properly. I just felt we were rushing it and propose we take our time to get to know each other but I told him it's actually first time I'm having these feelings for someone and is more than sex for me. Since our first interactions, I wasn't texting him first or contacting him much and even though I want to now, it might seem like I'm forcing him to become my bf or something since we had this talk. Would love to let him know in person that I'm just afraid to fall in love again and need my time but that doesn't mean we can't talk or hang out. 

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Small detail: he connected his netflix account to my laptop and unfortunately my ex's account is still connected (was common account and we are both using it) so he saw it and we had a shared profile with our initials, second profile with his name. He didn't say anything about it, I also didn't mention anything but I'm guessing it wasn't really smart to leave it there like that.

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21 minutes ago, Popi33 said:

He didn't say anything about it, I also didn't mention anything but I'm guessing it wasn't really smart to leave it there like that.

I wouldn't worry about it. It's a non-issue if you're both indifferent to having a relationship with each other.

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31 minutes ago, Popi33 said:

Small detail: he connected his netflix account to my laptop and unfortunately my ex's account is still connected

Ok how long ago did you breakup?

You need to delete and block your ex from all your social media, messaging apps and  accounts.

You don't seem ready to date but is this FWB/hooking up situation making you happy or anxious?

 

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15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok how long ago did you breakup?

You need to delete and block your ex from all your social media, messaging apps and  accounts.

You don't seem ready to date but is this FWB/hooking up situation making you happy or anxious?

 

A year ago but we keep in touch sometimes. Absolutely happy and alive. Don't want to fixate on things to progress. I'm just experiencing a spectrum of emotions with this guy and he's making me feel wanted and loved. But, my anxiety and fear are triggered based on previous experiences with guys disappearing even when things seemed to be going well so it's a feeling of being thrilled like being high but in my case, I get pretty low fast cause I have this fear it can end anytime soon or I might do or did something that pushes him away or that he loses interest in me so I avoid reaching out unless I have a plan to go out and invite him

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1 hour ago, Popi33 said:

I wasn't emphatically saying no to a relationship but at the moment I don't want one cause it's the truth

Is it, though?

Your emotional response to him suggests you're perhaps not being honest with yourself about that. Or is this something you told him because you're afraid he might have rejected you first?

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1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

Is it, though?

Your emotional response to him suggests you're perhaps not being honest with yourself about that. Or is this something you told him because you're afraid he might have rejected you first?

It's true cause I'm dealing with stress from work and eating disorder and his mental health is not good either (he started therapy because of recent panic attacks and depression episodes) so I felt we are both not in the right mindset for one and getting attached might mess us up so I was trying to create some distance and if we are into something, to let it grow organically instead of getting into one because we are excited with each other. Some days he's feeling really low and some others he feels like a superman and is a challenge for me cause I take it personally meaning that he stopped liking me or doesn't feel it but then he tells me that he loves me but he hasn't been feeling himself and nothing pleases him.

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1 minute ago, Popi33 said:

It's true cause I'm dealing with stress from work and eating disorder and his mental health is not good either (he started therapy because of recent panic attacks and depression episodes) so I felt we are both not in the right mindset for one and getting attached might mess us up so I was trying to create some distance and if we are into something, to let it grow organically instead of getting into one because we are excited with each other. Some days he's feeling really low and some others he feels like a superman and is a challenge for me cause I take it personally meaning that he stopped liking me or doesn't feel it but then he tells me that he loves me but he hasn't been feeling himself and nothing pleases him.

I told him also that maybe he has to face this and not avoid doing the work with himself and that by spending more time with me he's trying to escape his reality. He mentioned when he was feeling really good and chilling that his mental health improved since we met but after two days he was at his lowest. I saw him depressed and unmotivated and really, it made me question if this is a good idea continue seeing him cause then he deliberately assumes he's feeling better by being infatuated and I feel like maybe his love bombing is an attempt to feel good about himself. I really like him and exactly about that I'm sceptical if I'm good influence at this point in his life. So taking slow seems the smartest. For sure a relationship would be out of the question even though he said we can try it. He's unpredictable because his highs and lows are so intense sometimes. I am happy in his company but can't stop thinking if this is good for him given his mental state.

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13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

How does this expectation match with wanting to take things slow?

It doesn't and this is where I'm confused. Rationally, I prefer going slow. But I start building up expectations that later I realise they are unrealistic and decide not to act on them because I'm not in the right mindset. I guess I just wanted him to step up so I wouldn't have to do it. Also because he was the one to say he loves me and wanted to be with me.

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17 minutes ago, Popi33 said:

It doesn't and this is where I'm confused. Rationally, I prefer going slow. But I start building up expectations that later I realise they are unrealistic and decide not to act on them because I'm not in the right mindset. I guess I just wanted him to step up so I wouldn't have to do it. Also because he was the one to say he loves me and wanted to be with me.

But that doesn't make sense.  You told him you didn't want a relationship and you want to go slow.  He respects your wishes and doesn't push you, yet you expect him to "step up"?

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Who cares if you "rationally" prefer going slowly -how you behave and act matters.  What does going slow mean to you?  Not sexually since you've had sex.  He said sweet words.  HIs actions are not consistent with his words. On top of that you're lying to yourself about what you really want.  Get clear on what your values and standards are. 

Act consistently with those standards and don't let yourself get all into that overthinking mode about what you want "rationally". 

Also "growing organically" is another wordy trendy phrase that really makes little sense in your situation.  What you mean is you would rather not speak up and tell him what you want in your interactions with him and that hopefully like a car wash the feelings will wash over you and he'll tell you he loves you and there will be this organic epiphany where you want to be together.  Sorry -doesn't work that way. 

Use your words -simple and basic with no back stories, apologies, long dramatic stories about evolving organically.  State what you want in 10 words or less.  Ask him if he wants the same thing.  Then you will have your answer, no guessing games, no lying to yourself, no settling for organically grown scraps. 

What you want seems confusing and unrealistic.  You don't want a relationship with him but you want him to come over and have sex with you and have emotional conversations where you end up getting attached. It's not about labels.  It's about deciding whether this being in limbo is healthful for either of you.  Stop all the talk about love and relationships and get down to basics to see if it makes sense to continue getting attached to him.  You're playing a potentially harmful game with yourself.

Please don't try to be his therapist.  If you believe he is not stable enough to be in a relationship with you then stop having sex with him since clearly you are into him more than just as a sexual arrangement.

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24 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

But that doesn't make sense.  You told him you didn't want a relationship and you want to go slow.  He respects your wishes and doesn't push you, yet you expect him to "step up"?

So you're thinking that not contacting me often stems from this? I appreciate him for this,really.

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14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Who cares if you "rationally" prefer going slowly -how you behave and act matters.  What does going slow mean to you?  Not sexually since you've had sex.  He said sweet words.  HIs actions are not consistent with his words. On top of that you're lying to yourself about what you really want.  Get clear on what your values and standards are. 

Act consistently with those standards and don't let yourself get all into that overthinking mode about what you want "rationally". 

Also "growing organically" is another wordy trendy phrase that really makes little sense in your situation.  What you mean is you would rather not speak up and tell him what you want in your interactions with him and that hopefully like a car wash the feelings will wash over you and he'll tell you he loves you and there will be this organic epiphany where you want to be together.  Sorry -doesn't work that way. 

Use your words -simple and basic with no back stories, apologies, long dramatic stories about evolving organically.  State what you want in 10 words or less.  Ask him if he wants the same thing.  Then you will have your answer, no guessing games, no lying to yourself, no settling for organically grown scraps. 

What you want seems confusing and unrealistic.  You don't want a relationship with him but you want him to come over and have sex with you and have emotional conversations where you end up getting attached. It's not about labels.  It's about deciding whether this being in limbo is healthful for either of you.  Stop all the talk about love and relationships and get down to basics to see if it makes sense to continue getting attached to him.  You're playing a potentially harmful game with yourself.

Please don't try to be his therapist.  If you believe he is not stable enough to be in a relationship with you then stop having sex with him since clearly you are into him more than just as a sexual arrangement.

We don't have sexual arrangement or hook up situation. We were going on dates and had sex at the end of the night. We spent time outside bedroom as well. Last date I invited him over to spend the night. We were both sweet talking each other but I feel it's because we were sex high. I rarely reached out to him he's been consistently asking me out. I just told me I think I'm in love but it was right after sex cause he asked me to tell him how I feel about him

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Just now, Popi33 said:

We don't have sexual arrangement or hook up situation. We were going on dates and had sex at the end of the night. We spent time outside bedroom as well. Last date I invited him over to spend the night. We were both sweet talking each other but I feel it's because we were sex high. I rarely reached out to him he's been consistently asking me out. I just told me I think I'm in love but it was right after sex cause he asked me to tell him how I feel about him

*him

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52 minutes ago, Popi33 said:

We don't have sexual arrangement or hook up situation. We were going on dates and had sex at the end of the night. We spent time outside bedroom as well. Last date I invited him over to spend the night. We were both sweet talking each other but I feel it's because we were sex high. I rarely reached out to him he's been consistently asking me out. I just told me I think I'm in love but it was right after sex cause he asked me to tell him how I feel about him

I’m glad you go on dates. You don’t have to share that you love someone just because you’re asked. This sounds like a sad situation.  You’re comfortable enough to have intercourse with someone you think is just “sweet talking “ you.  Because of sex.
 Yes. Causal dating situations can end at any time.  So can serious relationships but when two people are committed it’s less likely and much less likely for it to end abruptly with someone just ending  contact.

I’ve been with my husband a total of 18 years.  Married for a dozen.  I never ever thought at any time he was just sweet talking  me. Sometimes he emails me with “Hi honey!” And I know it’s because he wants to soften the blow of yet another business trip or inconvenient work meeting or similar.  That’s sweet talking.  And it makes me laugh when he pulls that. But when we expressed our feelings I never felt it was just because of sex.  

Why?  Because his actions always showed he really cared.  Never doubted his intentions. Also he’s always been an emotionally stable person. Which gives me the added security that he means what he says and that he will do his best to treat me and others appropriately and with respect.  I don’t think you trust this person you’re dating and having sex with.  I don’t think you trust that he’s emotionally stable.  So of course there’s a bigger risk of him just ghosting you. That’s a major concern. 

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3 hours ago, Popi33 said:

I felt we are both not in the right mindset for one and getting attached might mess us up so I was trying to create some distance and if we are into something, to let it grow organically instead of getting into one because we are excited with each other.

If you're both not necessarily looking for a relationship, then why would you get attached? How can anything get messed up?

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1 minute ago, Jibralta said:

If you're both not necessarily looking for a relationship, then why would you get attached? How can anything get messed up?

Because we spent lots of time together already he told me I love you a couple of times. He then suggested to try it (whatever that means) but I'm not hearing from him for a couple of days. So I'm confused since he said he wanted us to get to know each other and see how it goes but then left in the morning and told me "see you next time baby"- he says that everytime he leaves my place. 

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Just now, Popi33 said:

Because we spent lots of time together already he told me I love you a couple of times. He then suggested to try it (whatever that means) but I'm not hearing from him for a couple of days. So I'm confused since he said he wanted us to get to know each other and see how it goes but then left in the morning and told me "see you next time baby"- he says that everytime he leaves my place. 

I only said that I don't want one. He hasn't actually discussed with me how he sees it. 

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1 hour ago, Popi33 said:

So you're thinking that not contacting me often stems from this? I appreciate him for this,really.

He's doing what you asked him to do, go slow.  So why does that cause you anxiety?

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Just now, boltnrun said:

He's doing what you asked him to do, go slow.  So why does that cause you anxiety?

Because I have internalize the fear that he will stop contacting me or date someone new when I don't hear from him. Ofc, I don't text him either after a meeting or the next day.

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