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Should I text to confirm?


Popi33
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2 hours ago, Popi33 said:

Rationally, I prefer going slow. But I start building up expectations that later I realise they are unrealistic

Well, I think your anxiety is up because you're not behaving rationally. You're racing ahead instead of going slow like you want. 

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26 minutes ago, Popi33 said:

Honestly I'm not sure our timing is not good but I'm more towards yes I want to and no, I don't want cause I'm afraid of getting hurt again.

That's the issue.  It really doesn't work to avoid what you know you want and what could be a good thing because of fear and tell yourself you do not want it.  You do want it, you're just scared. Different if from a positive mindset you said to yourself "I am happy with my life the way it is. I do not want to share my life with someone in a committed, romantic relationship.  I do want to date perhaps and have sex if I feel like it but I want to keep my life as is and not adjust to a committed relationship no matter how awesome the person is." 

You do want a relationship with him.  You're just scared of getting hurt.  Therefore, you react to his silence from a place of wanting to be with him and not being sure if he feels the same.  Because in the battle between wanting him, and wanting him to want a relationship with you, the wanting wins out against the fear.  

 

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8 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Well, I think your anxiety is up because you're not behaving rationally. You're racing ahead instead of going slow like you want. 

Yes you are right. I need to chill the hell down. I even started analyzing if he meant it when he said he had a great time with me. I don't like myself when I get into this mindset. But I act calm and collected so my anxiety isn't obvious and how it ***s me over.

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2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

That's the issue.  It really doesn't work to avoid what you know you want and what could be a good thing because of fear and tell yourself you do not want it.  You do want it, you're just scared. Different if from a positive mindset you said to yourself "I am happy with my life the way it is. I do not want to share my life with someone in a committed, romantic relationship.  I do want to date perhaps and have sex if I feel like it but I want to keep my life as is and not adjust to a committed relationship no matter how awesome the person is." 

You do want a relationship with him.  You're just scared of getting hurt.  Therefore, you react to his silence from a place of wanting to be with him and not being sure if he feels the same.  Because in the battle between wanting him, and wanting him to want a relationship with you, the wanting wins out against the fear.  

 

Yes I believe you painted quite the picture accurately. I want him and a relationship with him but I don't know if he really frees the same. I'm just going around in circles. And so we both get dragged into this instead of communicating honestly.

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2 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I know what it's like. Anxiety is tricky.

I will tell you that the 10PM booty call is not a good sign. 

It wasn't a booty call. I invited him to a party in town and he had to go to stand up comedy show. I told him to call me when he's done and we can meet after it. He called me but we changed plans and I ask him tp come over instead- this was the first time we met late in the night. Usually we were going out earlier or cinema or for dinner.

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2 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Batya is 

How do I go about it now? I'm in love and want to be with him. But he might not be there yet regardless of what he said or maybe doesn't want to hurt my feelings. Is this fear or rejection or intimate moments that makes me incapable of thinking straight. I want to pace things but I also want to know if we are on the same page.

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5 hours ago, Popi33 said:

 I'm afraid of getting hurt again.

You're creating your own dilemma. 

This has nothing to do with him. He's just the battlefield of your own attempts to fill a void with a rebound.

So you're simultaneously pulling him in and pushing him away with your fear of getting hurt and your "sex high", whatever that is.

Don't have a FWB situation if you can't handle it. 

Ironically your anxiety about getting hurt is precisely what's hurting you with these push pull games your playing with him.

Don't use people to get over your ex. It's that simple. You're still hung up on your ex otherwise you would have taken him off your accounts and stop talking to him.

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3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're creating your own dilemma. 

This has nothing to do with him. He's just the battlefield of your own attempts to fill a void with a rebound.

So you're simultaneously pulling him in and pushing him away with your fear of getting hurt and your "sex high", whatever that is.

Don't have a FWB situation if you can't handle it. 

Ironically your anxiety about getting hurt is precisely what's hurting you with these push pull games your playing with him.

Don't use people to get over your ex. It's that simple. You're still hung up on your ex otherwise you would have taken him off your accounts and stop talking to him.

I am over my ex. It's been a year and I wasn't in love with him. I really like this guy. Just don't want to overwhelm him so soon that's why I backed off because if we keep seeing each other that often, maybe it'll fizzle out soon. I was thinking to text him to grab a beer today or have a walk.

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1 hour ago, Popi33 said:

I was thinking to text him to grab a beer today or have a walk.

I think this is fine. 

Whatever happens, you have got to a get a handle on your anxiety. You're working yourself up and coming from a place of fear. We're all afraid of being hurt, it's human. But it's also part of life and dating. If we don't open our hearts, we cannot receive love either. 

Might he shy away from the idea of a real relationship? He might. But then at least you will know not to continue dating him and sleeping with him. 

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7 hours ago, Popi33 said:

But he might not be there yet regardless of what he said

That's always the risk. Not only that, but even if he does mean what he says now, he could change his mind down the road. One month. Six months. Two years. After you're married with a family. People grow, people change their minds.... that's life!

Your fear isn't uncommon. But right now, it is overwhelming you. I think what you have to come to terms with, (in time, maybe after a few disappointments) is that everything is going to be alright, whether this situation works out or not.

Remind yourself every now and then that everything will be ok, even if you don't believe yourself every time you say it. Take a look around you and notice the things that are right and good or that just are. Life goes on.

You may be disappointed and hurt if it doesn't work out, but that will fade. At least you'll know that you tried. 

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4 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

That's always the risk. Not only that, but even if he does mean what he says now, he could change his mind down the road. One month. Six months. Two years. After you're married with a family. People grow, people change their minds.... that's life!

Your fear isn't uncommon. But right now, it is overwhelming you. I think what you have to come to terms with, (in time, maybe after a few disappointments) is that everything is going to be alright, whether this situation works out or not.

Remind yourself every now and then that everything will be ok, even if you don't believe yourself every time you say it. Take a look around you and notice the things that are right and good or that just are. Life goes on.

You may be disappointed and hurt if it doesn't work out, but that will fade. At least you'll know that you tried. 

Right now I'm coming into terms with this uncertainty. I am just confused if I should reach out first or sit back and observe whether he'll contact me (haven't heard from him in two days). Usually he'd text me pretty often to hang out but this is the longest I've been without hearing from him at all. First time we met it was a month ago, we spent 24 hours together then he went abroad but came back due to his mental heath. We weren't into contact at all during that time. He only texted me when he got back here if I wanted to go out with me sometime. And since then we were meeting every day almost. That was my mistake I wasn't saying no when asked out. Then I went and opened my heart to him and got myself into this loop not knowing where I stand with him or if I will ever hear from him. If ask him out now or text him when he's been silent for a while would make me look vulnerable and attached. I prefer to let it be and if it's meant to be it will be. Otherwise I got accept that we were never on the same page. It does hurt and I find it hard to apply self discipline but it's the only way to regain my dignity.

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1 minute ago, Popi33 said:

If ask him out now or text him when he's been silent for a while would make me look vulnerable and attached.

Well, you are sort of vulnerable and attached at this point. Is that really such a terrible thing? If you ask him out, I guess you'll find out whether he understands vulnerability and attachment. Is he sensitive to your feelings, or will he diminish and make fun of them? It's an important test. Which kind of partner would you prefer? One who accepts you as you are, or one where you have to keep faking so that you aren't belittled for your feelings?

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3 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Well, you are sort of vulnerable and attached at this point. Is that really such a terrible thing? If you ask him out, I guess you'll find out whether he understands vulnerability and attachment. Is he sensitive to your feelings, or will he diminish and make fun of them? It's an important test. Which kind of partner would you prefer? One who accepts you as you are, or one where you have to keep faking so that you aren't belittled for your feelings?

I don't think he'll make fun of them but maybe disregard them. I just wanted to send a simple "hey, would u fancy a drink with me tonight?" And let it on him to decide if this is working or if he already checked out. It's a good way of finding out how he deals with vulnerability.

Last time I asked him out again (the night he came). If I send this again now whereas maybe he just wanted space I'm on the edge of becoming annoying or for him to disappear completely.

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2 minutes ago, Popi33 said:

I don't think he'll make fun of them but maybe disregard them.

Same thing, really. Rejection.

3 minutes ago, Popi33 said:

I just wanted to send a simple "hey, would u fancy a drink with me tonight?" And let it on him to decide if this is working or if he already checked out. It's a good way of finding out how he deals with vulnerability.

That would be nice, but everything doesn't drop into our laps like that. 

4 minutes ago, Popi33 said:

Last time I asked him out again (the night he came). If I send this again now whereas maybe he just wanted space I'm on the edge of becoming annoying or for him to disappear completely.

That's the risk! Are you going to take it or not?

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1 minute ago, Jibralta said:

Same thing, really. Rejection.

That would be nice, but everything doesn't drop into our laps like that. 

That's the risk! Are you going to take it or not?

I will take it, but not for tonight I've got to work and don't have time to prepare properly to look nice and etc. But definitely tomorrow I'll send him this and see how he reacts. I've been so sacred all my life to show emotions and feel and pretend to be aloof and not caring but it just always leaves me one step from happiness which I also place so easily on others. The outcome shouldn't define my actions a priori. You are right, not taking a risk staying forever in the loop.

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1 hour ago, Popi33 said:

I've been so sacred all my life to show emotions and feel and pretend to be aloof and not caring but it just always leaves me one step from happiness which I also place so easily on others. The outcome shouldn't define my actions a priori. You are right, not taking a risk staying forever in the loop.

Yes!!

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3 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Yes!!

Omg, you are the best........I've been torturing myself so much. I asked him to go out to the movies and he said "omg, I was gonna purpose the same thing for real, I'm down for it". 

Well, that ain't went that bad.

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2 hours ago, Popi33 said:

Omg, you are the best........I've been torturing myself so much. I asked him to go out to the movies and he said "omg, I was gonna purpose the same thing for real, I'm down for it". 

Well, that ain't went that bad.

Fabulous! I'm so happy for you. Enjoy the movies.

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21 hours ago, Popi33 said:

Yes I believe you painted quite the picture accurately. I want him and a relationship with him but I don't know if he really frees the same. I'm just going around in circles. And so we both get dragged into this instead of communicating honestly.

You are getting dragged into nothing.  You are making the choices to interact and how to interact.  The I'm a passive participant thing isn't going to help you in the short or long run.  I don't think his actions are consistent with wanting a relationship with you.  I'm sorry.

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