Turn of phrase a red flag?

[Coily]

I'm at a bit of a loss, to really put a finger on why this bothers me as much as it does.

Background: Myself (M 37)and the woman (F 36) in question started casually dating about 2 months ago. She turned it very sexual very fast, not my usual speed. We do some activities together, but most of it revolves around her coming to my house for sex (and lack luster at that). Never her place, never out with friends (hers of mine),....

The Biggest Problem: There are a lot of compatibility issues I am thinking of while typing this, more than I realized honestly. The biggest one is her regular use of "We can get together soon, if you want to."   Something in that rankles me no end, as if she has no say in things. That she has nothing better to do than wait around for my beck-and-call.

Am I out of my head for seeing this as a red flag? Reading to much into a phrase she uses in every conversation?

 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Coily said:

Never her place, never out with friends.

her regular use of "We can get together soon, if you want to."  

Do you want to change things?

Why is her place, going out or socializing off limits? Is she married/living with someone? 

Suggest going out or going to her place, see what she does. 

 

[Hollyj]

It sounds like she has a partner.  She is keeping you a secret, this would not be okay for me.   

If someone insisted on exclusive indoor dates. , it would be a huge red flag.  

[lostandhurt]

I don't think that phrase is your biggest problem here but I briefly dated a drop dead gorgeous woman that told me several times "What ever you want, you lead I follow"  On the outside this woman was successful, smart and seemed to have her stuff together but that phrase lead me to think she needed the man or was so used to the man telling her what she was going to do so much that it was engrained.  Or she was insecure.

I chose to believe she just wanted to make sure I was happy with her so she did what I wanted.  I really like strong smart women that are not afraid of speaking up so it was a little concerning for me.

It sounds like you are looking for more than this woman can offer so you need to consider ending this sooner than later.  The longer it goes on the harder it will be.

Lost

[boltnrun]

This is a casual sex arrangement. 

She sounds insecure, like she's afraid you'll reject her. Which is strange because there's got to be some reason why she is keeping you a secret.

And some women do enjoy allowing the man to take the lead. They want to defer to the men in their lives. And some men like to take charge and make all the decisions (I know because I dated one of them.) 

It's up to you to decide if you're satisfied with a secret sex only setup with a woman who's either insecure or who wants you to take charge.

[Rose Mosse]

Do you mind me asking what are your work schedules like? Do either of you have kids for example? One working, other retired or semi-retired? Any other commitments? I think availability and time may have something to do with why she's responding this way. 

It could also be that she's polite. That's a very polite inquiry into whether you are free without actually asking a pointed question. 

I think you should talk with her next time you see each other and chat about it but please not in such a serious way. Just mention it and see what she says. She may not say it again either if she knows that she doesn't have to be so polite with you and relax a little.

[DancingFool]

Seems like the key word here is casual. She comes over to scratch an itch and that's about it from what you wrote. Her phrase implies casual as well. If you are up for it, great and if not, oh well. Doubt she is sitting around waiting on your say so, but it's interesting that you are reading that into it.

Also, agree with Rose that this is often just a polite phrase asking if you are free or up for a roll in the hay without having to spell it out in so many words.

[Coily]

26 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Do you mind me asking what are your work schedules like? Do either of you have kids for example? One working, other retired or semi-retired? Any other commitments? I think availability and time may have something to do with why she's responding this way.

Both of us work full time, 8-5; I travel for work from time to time but that is less regular these days.
No kids for either of us.
I keep busy regularly, but not to such an extent that it's always a time crunch to see each other.

I do have a nagging suspicion that she's involved with someone, perhaps an open relationship that I've not been made aware of kind of situation. As when I have suggested going to her place she balks, and when we're out those rare times it's to specific places.

Now to untangle myself and Press On.

[smackie9]

It's obvious that this is an unspoken casual sex arrangement. There's nothing mysterious about it. If you have other expectations, cut things off with her.

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, Coily said:

Something in that rankles me no end, as if she has no say in things. That she has nothing better to do than wait around for my beck-and-call.

That would bother me, too.

[Rose Mosse]

17 minutes ago, Coily said:

Both of us work full time, 8-5; I travel for work from time to time but that is less regular these days.
No kids for either of us.
I keep busy regularly, but not to such an extent that it's always a time crunch to see each other.

I do have a nagging suspicion that she's involved with someone, perhaps an open relationship that I've not been made aware of kind of situation. As when I have suggested going to her place she balks, and when we're out those rare times it's to specific places.

Now to untangle myself and Press On.

Can you ask her if she's single? For your own health reasons I think it's a good idea to sort of know the person you're sleeping with. She could be a bit shy about her living circumstances or she may be living with a relative also. I wouldn't read into this. There are too many variables. I do think you ought to know if she's seeing anyone else. 

I was also seeing someone casually for a short time but we had an arrangement not to put each others' health at risk so it was mutually exclusive but not a serious relationship. 

[reinventmyself]

5 hours ago, Coily said:

her regular use of "We can get together soon, if you want to."   Something in that rankles me no end, as if she has no say in things. That she has nothing better to do than wait around for my beck-and-call.


 

Its a passive way of saying she wants to see you,  . . IF you want to.   Someone who is passive isn't going to do a 180 and be assertive about what she wants.   It's a backwards way of eeking out some reassurance from you.

It appears to bug you because it lacks self assurance and puts the responsibility on you.  Does it make her a bad person?  No.  Just passive and somewhat selfless.

All the other stuff in between. . .sounds as if it makes you two incompatible. 

To each their own, but that would be turn off for me too

[melancholy123]

The phrase you don't like is passive aggressive and yeah I wouldn't like it either.

Somehow for some reason you are a secret.  Maybe she's got a husband or partner and that's why all the secrecy.

What do you want to happen?  You dont seem all that interested in her.

 

[Cherylyn]

You're reading too much into a phrase and creating unnecessary drama.  Everyone has their own unique style of speaking and writing. 

Her statement is cautious and she would like to get together if you agree.  What's wrong with that?  I think it's a harmless way of communicating. 

If it isn't broken, don't fix it. 

Don't let little things get on your nerves otherwise you're creating issues which don't need to transform into eventual debates, arguments and fights. 

Be a peaceful person, go with the flow and be an easy person to get along with.  Don't complicate matters.

[whiteroses3230]

The phrase isn’t an issue. You could bring it up in convo in person one day. “Hey what do you mean by that, of course I want to see you. Just say hell yes!” Say it in a jokey way. She’s probably trying to be polite or sweet. 
 

You could also very easily start inviting her to datey outings you have a lot of agency on how things are going down. I wouldn’t assume she’s some big cheater without any proof. 
 

[Unsure2021]

I find this strange. By your admission, it was she who turned things sexual first and she is the one who keeps coming to your place for sex. Are you inviting her over or is she inviting herself? That phrase likely means she wants you to take charge and initiate the visits more, rather than her doing most of the work. She can probably tell you’re not that into her and is trying to encourage or maintain your interest. Also, if she keeps saying it, you’re probably not delivering on that. If the interest is not mutual, just let her go.

[catfeeder]

It sounds as though you're not thrilled with her about a lot of important things, so if you need to latch onto a phrase to drive this home for you, Pay Attention.

In my mind, dating is to screen people OUT who won't make a great partner for me, not to hang onto just anyone who will 'do me'.

[Coily]

If anyone was curious I have since ended things with her, after a very boundaries pushing/breaking final "date."

Long story short, I had been feeling poorly from allergies and it had been a week since the last date. So I figured with advice in hand I would give it one last go or end things. While we were sitting and "talking" (more her pressuring me increasingly to go exclusive while saying "Well you don't know what I could be doing in town"); she kept grabbing my hands and trying to kiss me, while I told her no I felt slimy (I had vomited at one point during the visit) and didn't want to make out . I felt my boundaries were violated and that was that; quashed any further attempts and ended things.

Also on a different note my physician has me on new allergy meds since the old stuff didn't work well enough.