Is my picker completely off again?!

[Hora]

For those who commented on my other post last week about Mr. Infidelity, thank you! That was really useful. So, useful, in fact, that I've come for more advice. 

Some of you had mentioned that my picker was off, so just trying to see if I can work on setting it straight. I greatly appreciate all the comments here. What a great online community! I do hope I'm not abusing. 😃

So, met another guy last night.  It wasn't just a random date, we had actually conversed online for over two weeks, and had some very interesting philosophical debates. He seemed worth meeting.

Quick background on the guy: he's a design engineer and founded and owns an international engineering software company that develops and sells organic engineering design algorithms. He's quite passionate about it and I was very interested actually learning about this. It does seem like he works a lot though and strange hours since his general manager is in Mumbai. He was married 20 years and has an 8-year old daughter. He says him and his ex drifted apart many years ago, and about 5 years ago decided to stay together for the daughter but had separate bedrooms in the house. Finally last spring, being stuck in the house 24/7 due to Covid, he decided it was time to move on. Long story short, he moved out 6 months ago, renting for now as the market is crazy at the moment, but planning to buy something. He acknowledged that it seems recent, but says that he feels that he went through the process of mourning the relationship many years ago, and therefore is ready to move on.

So, positive things about the date:

- we had a fantastic conversation about all sorts of things: art history, philosophy, politics. He wasn't trying to dominate the conversation, and was nicely making sure to let me talk and ask questions as well. He was an attentive listener.

1- He seemed opinionated and confident, but not at all arrogant.

2- Although he's clearly quite successful, he didn't seem to have a big ego. He's all about sustainable, minimalist living, and doesn't believe that lots of money or having luxury things makes us happier. 

3- He didn't say anything negative about his past marriage or his ex wife. He didn't avoid the topic: he just said that they grew apart for many reasons and that it wasn't anyone's fault. They tried to get back the spark but it didn't work. It seems they are on very good terms.

4- He said upfront that he is looking for a long term relationship based on communications, trust and mutual respect. 

5- we had an 8-hour date! We met at a restaurant and stayed till closing time. Then he asked if he could walk me home (30 minutes). I was having a good time so I agreed. Then as we were talking for another half hour in the cold in front of my house, I asked him if he wanted to come in for another drink. 

6- Although he was in my house, he didn't have grabby hands. We didn't even make out (for me that's huge plus. I kind of dislike men who try to make out on a first date as I often feel trapped by the situation and then awkwardly have to say no. I find a second date is better for that as the person clearly indicated to you that they are interested by wanting to see you again. So you're not imposing. But anyway, I sidetrack).

I didn't really identify any clear "negatives", but a few elements I'm unsure about whether that is concerning or not (hence the picker question).

Unsure about: 

1- he overshared...a lot. At first it seemed ok. He was telling me this crazy story about how at age 27 he had an accident and ended up in a wheelchair for 3 years, until he found a doctor in Florida who was wiling to do experimental surgery and convinced the Canadian government to pay for the surgery. It was a bit a lot of info and very personal, but a major life event so kind of made sense he would talk about it. But then, he went into great details about difficulties in his childhood, his mother's mental health issues and his relationship with his father etc. For me this is something that most men do on a first date, and I actually don't really mind. I doesn't make me uncomfortable and I find it kind of fascinating. But I do realize this might be a potential red flag. Interestingly, the guy at some point caught himself mid-sentence and said "Gosh I can't believe I'm telling you all this. I have only ever shared this story with one other person. There's something about you that just makes me want to open up". I don't know if that's true, but I do have A LOT of men who overshare with me. So either what this guy says about me making people comfortable to overshare is true, or I just keep finding oversharers.

2- In the spirit of oversharing, he asked me quite a few questions that were a bit too intimate for a first date. Basically he wanted to know the same things about me that he had just shared about himself. I told him that I wasn't as comfortable as he was at sharing these kinds of details about myself to someone I just met. He didn't insist and apologized for asking. 

3- He said multiple times that I was "intimidating". That normally people are intimidated by him, but now he feels it's the reverse. He was putting it in the context that I wasn't what he expected from my profile: that I was much better looking, more intelligent and more confident than he had expected, and that he wasn't used to going on dates with such "sophisticated" women. I found that really confusing actually, and perhaps a little annoying? Although I'm not entirely sure why that annoyed me. 🤔

4- He was analyzing me to my face. Analyzing is maybe not the right word. He was telling me how I appeared to him. So past the "intimidating" part, he was explaining in great details how I seemed to him. It was kind of interesting but also a little disconcerting. For example: he was saying that to him I seemed surprisingly reserved while simultaneously emanating so much warmth and energy. It just seemed perhaps a bit of an odd to say, especially on a first date. I mean, what are you even supposed to answer to that? A bit of a conversation killer. 

Anyway, he Ubered home at 1 AM and called me the minute he got home to ask me on a second date. I was about to say yes but then decided to think about it and just said: "it's really late, why don't we talk about it tomorrow?"

So, here is what my picker says. and this is where I would like input. I thought the guy was very nice, respectful and interesting. Although he's pretty successful, he wasn't showing off or into himself at all (I really hate it when men show off like that). He's cleary someone that is very in-touch with his emotions and is able to express them without difficulties (which I like. My ex husband was so not communicative). I did Google the oversharing, and it does seem to appear as a major red flag. I kind of see it (and maybe my picker is off here) as a sign of nervousness on a first date, which would make sense if he thought me "intimidating"? 

In other words, my instinct here says that he's a bit unconventional, and perhaps has some insecurities that he needs to deal with (but don't we all?), but otherwise was very pleasant and I would see him again.

Thoughts?

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Is he legally divorced? He sounds a lot like the last guy, no?

[SooSad33]

Fist of all.. I am a little concerned, that a guy you barely know anything about, you've let him see where you live already and have had him in your home 😕 ... would it maybe have been fine enough to just leave things be, after meeting for your meal - at the restaurant? 

 

23 minutes ago, Hora said:

3- He said multiple times that I was "intimidating". That normally people are intimidated by him, but now he feels it's the reverse. He was putting it in the context that I wasn't what he expected from my profile: that I was much better looking, more intelligent and more confident than he had expected, and that he wasn't used to going on dates with such "sophisticated" women. I found that really confusing actually, and perhaps a little annoying? Although I'm not entirely sure why that annoyed me

Yeah, does sound a little.. off :/  .. like what the heck is that? 

 

23 minutes ago, Hora said:

For example: he was saying that to him I seemed surprisingly reserved while simultaneously emanating so much warmth and energy. It just seemed perhaps a bit of an odd to say, especially on a first date. I mean, what are you even supposed to answer to that? A bit of a conversation killer

Yah, do you feel he is either over doing it.. or a little judgemental?  Weird..

23 minutes ago, Hora said:

my instinct here says that he's a bit unconventional, and perhaps has some insecurities that he needs to deal with (but don't we all?), but otherwise was very pleasant and I would see him again.

Do think on this guy another few days... to get home & instantly say he wants another date- he has not yet processed anything after just meeting you... 

Give it a few days... to consider what you feel abt him.

* Remember... everyone tries to show their best side when first meeting, so expect some changes in time- on who they really are...

[Hora]

He is not. I don't know where you live, but in Canada you cannot file for divorce before you've been living at separate addresses for at least one year. So he can't file for divorce until the summer. But it doesn't seem like he has any intentions of getting back with the ex. 

[boltnrun]

I would definitely stop the practice of inviting strangers into your home.  Men who "take advantage" of too-trusting women are able to do so because they come across as charming and "trustworthy".  You think "He doesn't seem like that kind of guy!".  Which is exactly the point. If he leered and said creepy things he'd never get into your home.  Same with letting them know exactly where you live.  They can scope out the lay of the building, if there's security, if there's a roommate or a large dog. So please...don't do that again!

My first question mirrors Wiseman's.  Is he legally divorced?  "Separated" doesn't do it for me.  I want the ink to be fully dry on the paperwork.  Not "getting divorced" or "papers have been filed", but fully and legally divorced.

As for the oversharing, he might be starved for conversation.  I know I tend to be "talky" when I live alone and only have my cat to talk to outside of work.  I do find the compliments kind of cringe-y.  Seems like he was trying too hard to get you to like him (see my first paragraph above).  But maybe he just doesn't have too many people with whom he can have personal conversations.

If he is actually legally divorced, then I see no reason for you to go on a second PUBLIC date with him.  See how he comes across.  Do NOT text excessively.  You want your impression of him to be real, not something you presume based on words on a screen.

[bluecastle]

My general thought, to this and in connection with earlier posts, is that the level of analysis here is unneeded. I get it, I do. But at the same time? A first date is a first date is a first date. The only relevant question, at the end of it, is: Do you want to go on another? Whatever that answer—well, it's really not all that big a deal. Some little itch says that spending a few more hours getting to know someone is worth your time, or not. 

From everything you just offered? I mean, I can spin it each and every way. Dude sounds nice, interesting. Is the stuff with his ex worth a raised eyebrow? For sure. I could see someone deeming all that an immediate dealbreaker just as easily as I could see it being a shrug. What matters is: Where does it land, for you? Ditto what you've labeled the oversharing, the you-analyzing, and so forth.

The reality here is that you actually don't know this guy in any more significant way than you did before the date. You just don't. The more you can remember that truth—about him, about any man at this stage—the easier and more potentially expansive the business of dating becomes. 

 

[Wiseman2]

57 minutes ago, Hora said:

 So he can't file for divorce until the summer. But it doesn't seem like he has any intentions of getting back with the ex. 

Ok, when his divorce is final, consider dating. In the meantime, continue talking to and meeting men.  

 

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, Hora said:

Long story short, he moved out 6 months ago, renting for now as the market is crazy at the moment, but planning to buy something. He acknowledged that it seems recent, but says that he feels that he went through the process of mourning the relationship many years ago, and therefore is ready to move on.

My personal opinion: I think that this is (at best) a rebound situation. And the other issues that you list are consistent with that.

I had a rebound experience years ago. It sucked. 

It started out a lot like yours. We had awesome telephone conversations that lasted for hours. We met about two weeks later, and this happened:

1 hour ago, Hora said:

we had an 8-hour date!

Yup. Same. Met for lunch, and didn't want to say goodbye to each other. So, we went for a walk, drove around a bit, and then went to dinner. Deleted our dating profiles that same night.

For the next six weeks, we were inseparable. I could go on and on about the awesomeness. I met his parents, his grandparents, met all of his friends. It was a whirlwind.

BUT. He was just six months out of a very long relationship. He said he was over it. He acted like he was over it. But he was really a mess. 

Like your guy, he overshared a lot, right from the beginning. And like you, I wasn't freaked out by it. I'm naturally curious about people's life experiences. 

In retrospect, I've come to realize that his oversharing created a false sense of intimacy for both of us. It convinced me that I really knew a guy that I'd only just met. And that was a mistake on my part. 

I didn't really know him at all. He wasn't a bad guy or anything--far from it. But he was a wreck. And the worst kind of wreck because he dragged me down into his misery with him.

We had this awesome relationship for about a month and a half. Then he started falling apart, became the total opposite of the guy I thought I knew. Again, not a bad guy, just different, inconsistent, confusing, angry. Ultimately hurtful.

We parted ways at the two-month mark. It was a painful experience--far more painful than it should have been at the two month mark. As I dealt with the break up, I realized that there had been red flags the entire time. But they were so easy to brush off because I felt like I knew him so well.

I didn't know him, plain and simple. But I did learn a valuable lesson about rebounds, and about oversharing!

Anyway that's the best-case scenario (in my opinion/experience)

Another possible scenario is that he's actually still married, still fully involved with his wife, and keeps an apartment on the side.... you just don't know yet. Your red flags are consistent with this possibility, as well.

In short, it's too soon to make any decisions. Pay attention to the things that strike you as suspicious. I don't think you're off base with your concern about oversharing. Be careful not to overinvest. 

[Hollyj]

1.  I do not believe for a moment that you are the second  that he has shared all of that with.  He is trying to make you feel special.  It’s a line.  Personally,  I would not find it fascinating, but weird that someone was sharing soooooo much. 

2. Too many intimate questions

3.  The old, “I am Intimidated by you” line.  Are men still using that garbage.  Lol!

You  are   Like moth to a flame to this type of guy.  I would not go out with him again.  And, why are you inviting strangers into your home?

what is it with the married men who are  wanna be smooth talkers? I do not get the attraction. 
 

The  picker is off. 

 

 

[Batya33]

Sounds like he is a married man.  Full stop.  Also agree with HollyJ.    Also even if he is legally divorced (sounds like no) he only stopped living with his wife/ex wife 6 months ago. Please don't buy that lame excuse about separate bedrooms, from a stranger.

What level of priority is the man's level of success to you? Separate from financial stability/intelligent/ambitious/passionate about his work -I get all that -I'm sensing your picker prioritizes status and prestige.  That's fine but often then you're going to find guys lacking in other departments -meaning not because they're successful but because you know you can't always find the whole package so since a low percentage of men will have that high prestige chances are you might have to sacrifice other stuff.

[Jambalaya421]

analysis paralysis, but picker is off.

[Lambert]

I think your gut is telling you this guy is off. So your picker may be right, but your choosing to ignore it.

You do have to go out and meet guys in order to pick them.  I think you still come across rather desperate for these broken guys to be catches.  

yes. A recently separated, even recently divorced, less than a full year, person is understandably broken... If they are so nonplussed after the ending of a marriage, do you really want to be emotionally involved with them?  

Stop making these first meetings so significant in your mind. its one meeting, whether you've talked for 100 hours means nothing. I can be anyone on the phone or for one meeting....

You don't know him.  He is a stranger. People can, will and do say what they want.  it doesn't mean it's true and the ONLY WAY to know is over time.

That's why you need better boundaries. And as others have said,  stop being alone in private places with strangers.  What if he pulled a gun out? Spiked your drink when you weren't looking? Wise up about the dark side of human beings.  A trusting fool is just what a criminal is looking for.  You don't have to make it so easy for them. 

 

[Hora]

For those commenting on the recentness of the separation, I agree it's fairly recent. At the same time I do feel everyone is different in that respect. I'm saying this from personal experience since my situation with my ex husband was very similar to what he is describing. My ex and I fell out of love many years before we actually separated, and we were both quite ready to move on when we actually parted ways. In fact, he met someone two months later, and they are now living together and are engaged.

All that to say that I think a lot of people believe that a rebound relationship is defined by time—that dating soon after a breakup or divorce alone indicates a rebound, but I really don't think that's always the case. If you've set yourself free of your past relationship, you've been working on your separation/divorce recovery, you might be ready to love again. So, it can sometimes be too soon, but not necessarily. Of course, the difficulty is that you can't read someone's mind, so you have to go with what they tell you, which might not always reflect the truth. 

@Batya33 I really don't prioritize status and prestige. I actually really don't care about that. I do care quite a bit about dating someone that is very intelligent and passionate about things. I have gone on many many dates with men that didn't fit that criteria, and I just find them boring to talk to. I'm in that sense definitely what one would call a sapiophile, and I would choose attraction to someone's mind over attraction to their looks. I can compromise on looks but not on mind. And it just turns out that people who are intelligent and passionate mostly ended up doing something with their lives. 

All in all, I think I was more wondering about the eccentric behaviour to be honest.

@bluecastle haha! I agree that I overanalyze! To be honest, when I started dating I wasn't doing that at all. I was more going with the flow, mostly brushing off red flags at first thinking to myself "let's see how this develops". However, then I would end up 2-3 months later, and still seeing this person and suddenly go "wow the flags!". That process is emotionally a bit draining so I'm trying to be a bit smarter about it now and think about flags early on, and trying to not even bother seeing someone a second time if the flags are too big (like the previous guy who told me he cheated on his wife).

 

[Hollyj]

15 minutes ago, Hora said:

For those commenting on the recentness of the separation, I agree it's fairly recent. At the same time I do feel everyone is different in that respect. I'm saying this from personal experience since my situation with my ex husband was very similar to what he is describing. My ex and I fell out of love many years before we actually separated, and we were both quite ready to move on when we actually parted ways. In fact, he met someone two months later, and they are now living together and are engaged.

All that to say that I think a lot of people believe that a rebound relationship is defined by time—that dating soon after a breakup or divorce alone indicates a rebound, but I really don't think that's always the case. If you've set yourself free of your past relationship, you've been working on your separation/divorce recovery, you might be ready to love again. So, it can sometimes be too soon, but not necessarily. Of course, the difficulty is that you can't read someone's mind, so you have to go with what they tell you, which might not always reflect the truth. 

@Batya33 I really don't prioritize status and prestige. I actually really don't care about that. I do care quite a bit about dating someone that is very intelligent and passionate about things. I have gone on many many dates with men that didn't fit that criteria, and I just find them boring to talk to. I'm in that sense definitely what one would call a sapiophile, and I would choose attraction to someone's mind over attraction to their looks. I can compromise on looks but not on mind. And it just turns out that people who are intelligent and passionate mostly ended up doing something with their lives. 

All in all, I think I was more wondering about the eccentric behaviour to be honest.

@bluecastle haha! I agree that I overanalyze! To be honest, when I started dating I wasn't doing that at all. I was more going with the flow, mostly brushing off red flags at first thinking to myself "let's see how this develops". However, then I would end up 2-3 months later, and still seeing this person and suddenly go "wow the flags!". That process is emotionally a bit draining so I'm trying to be a bit smarter about it now and think about flags early on, and trying to not even bother seeing someone a second time if the flags are too big (like the previous guy who told me he cheated on his wife).

 

That may have been your situation, but you do not know if it is truly theirs.  Personally, I would not get involved with someone who had not been divorced at least two years.  

Hora, you are coming here for advice and we are all telling you the same thing.  I hope you will listen, so that you not continue to choose the same guy.  No more married me, who overshare and ask too many intimate questions!   Also, try not to be so gullible with the ridiculous lines, like you are so intimidating, and that they have only opened up to you etc....     

[Hora]

@Hollyj I agree with you that theoretically that would be ideal, yes!! For some reason though it seems, in Ottawa at least, 90% of men on dating sites are separated since less than a year. Or at least the ones I meet or talk to (and no I'm not seeking them out necessarily). I dated one guy for a while who was separated since 4 years. At first I thought "finally", but he was strangely set in his "single" ways. There was little flexibility in his life as he had set it up being alone. It seemed that he didn't really have room in his life anymore for a relationship. So I let him go for that reason. 

I'm not saying that I want to be a rebound, I don't. I'm just trying to not make that my #1 criteria as that would really greatly limit my options unfortunately. But perhaps you're right. 

[Hollyj]

Hora, pass them by.  They are married and not emotionally ready to date.  

I dated a guy who had been divorced for 3 years.   Swooped me up, proclaimed love within two months, then ended it when I fell for him-There was still drama and stuff related to the ex, it was a big mess.  

I think that you should limit your options, as you will find men who are emotionally ready and more qualified.  You're simply wasting your time on these other guys, so where does that get you.  

Be more selective!

[Rose Mosse]

First dates should be pleasant and practically cordial and with some consideration for each other. He seems all over the place so no, sorry. I don't think he's a good person to date.

Having filed for divorce it's nothing like separation and the filing of a divorce can rehash all kinds of emotions in a couple. Consider yourself very forewarned as there may be a cascade of emotions or other issues that are revisited when the divorce is being finalized. You may get hurt in the process and trust may be broken later on down the line while he withdraws from you for a period and deals with conflicting emotions later on. I'm telling you this not to be a downer but to be aware. You are right - it is not the same for everyone but one thing is absolutely certain: he will be revisiting the marriage or marriage breakdown in less than one year. 

If you like him a lot, date him casually and see other people. If you are looking for something more serious, let this guy go. And yes, he's probably nervous, oversharing/overtalking, overanalyzing your face and mannerisms because you've been the first woman or one of the first women he's managed to see romantically (legitimately) since he's separated or since the marriage was broken down (in theory, not legally).

 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Hora said:

@HollyjMy ex and I fell out of love many years before we actually separated, and we were both quite ready to move on when we actually parted ways. In fact, he met someone two months later, and they are now living together and are engaged.

You seem to keep reliving your own divorce.

You keep hoping all these married men are your ex-husband and you'll be engaged and living together, just like your ex-husband and his fiancee.

You're following a very specific script. That's why all these married/separated men are being sought out by you.

You have a very specific repetitious dating modus operandi:

Married/separated, "emotionally divorced", marathon first dates talking about exes and divorce/separation. Discussing in intense detail why they are separating, etc.

When you stop reviving and reliving your ex-husbands success story with his new fiancee, you'll stop seeking out clones of your ex.

 

[SherrySher]

13 hours ago, Jibralta said:

In retrospect, I've come to realize that his oversharing created a false sense of intimacy for both of us. It convinced me that I really knew a guy that I'd only just met. And that was a mistake on my part. 

I didn't really know him at all. He wasn't a bad guy or anything--far from it. But he was a wreck. And the worst kind of wreck because he dragged me down into his misery with him.

Yes!! My thoughts, exactly.

Oversharing is a type of desperation. Trying to create a false sense of connectiveness. But truth be told, you are strangers. Telling in depth stories on a first date, won't change that and it's trying to rush things, which again makes a person wonder if he is either desperate or needy.

First dates are meant to be light hearted, getting to know one another, but on a very easy going level.

The 'heavy' stories don't usually come in until at least the 3rd date, but even then..it's a bit of a buzz kill.

Dating is supposed to be fun, intriguing, light hearted. I'm not sure that anyone wants to hear about mental health issues, traumas and family issues that early on..*cringe*.

I agree with, Jibralta...in my experience, those who do this, normally are not the most healthy mentally and will eventually be telling more and more heavy type stories, until it is a "feel sorry for me I am a victim", type of scenario. 

I dunno, that personally would have turned me off enough that I would tell him thank you for the lovely date, wish him well and move on.

He brought doom and gloom into the first date, not a great start. 😕

 

[SherrySher]

3 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

And yes, he's probably nervous, oversharing/overtalking, overanalyzing your face and mannerisms because you've been the first woman or one of the first women he's managed to see romantically (legitimately) since he's separated

Possibly, however I once knew a man that this was his idea of getting close to someone (however messed up that was/is).  Telling the doom and gloom stories because he was confused on his ideas of what creates closeness between two people and wanted it to be more like, "misery enjoys company".

He did this with every woman he went on a date with and the ones he had more dates with, ended up being the ones that cried into their tea along side him.

He was drama and toxic and so unhealthy.

Just be on the lookout, OP.

[Batya33]

I totally get the wanting intelligent/passionate about work - so I retract my sense of your focus on prestige -I get your focus, I relate.

No, when it comes to divorce everyone is not different -enough that is -and especially since you're having a hard time with picking and boundaries -I'd stick to legally single at least a year.  The remote/unusual exceptions (like a couple I knew -she got ALS and he stayed married to her for decades but took up with another woman and moved out - my sense is it was to keep her financially stable while she was ill. I knew all three of them - I think the kids had a really hard time with their father's choice but despite better or worse my sense was the couple accepted that he should move on.  Remote exception.

But this guy is married and I echo your complete disregard for your personal safety- you might be intelligent and passionate about your work/great work ethic - but I mean - what's going on with the common sense gap in this regard??

[Hollyj]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You seem to keep reliving your own divorce.

You keep hoping all these married men are your ex-husband and you'll be engaged and living together, just like your ex-husband and his fiancee.

You're following a very specific script. That's why all these married/separated men are being sought out by you.

You have a very specific repetitious dating modus operandi:

Married/separated, "emotionally divorced", marathon first dates talking about exes and divorce/separation. Discussing in intense detail why they are separating, etc.

When you stop reviving and reliving your ex-husbands success story with his new fiancee, you'll stop seeking out clones of your ex.

 

Good point!

[Lambert]

I just wanted to add, I get what you mean about being checked out of a marriage long before it ended.  But I was coming at it from a different perspective.  When the marriage actually ends, it's a lot of change at once.  Whether you want it or not, it's hard.  A person may be floundering because their routine, the inner circle, and their support system has completely changed.  That's an adjustment, too.  

A person needs time and space to get their life together to have something to share with another.  You don't want to be a monkey branch.  That would mean it doesn't matter who you are, you were just the one that is willing to go along with it.

Your ex husband may have done just that-- found someone willing to go along with it. 

You deserve better.  

[Jibralta]

11 hours ago, Hora said:

the difficulty is that you can't read someone's mind, so you have to go with what they tell you, which might not always reflect the truth. 

You really shouldn't go with what they tell you. You should go with what they show you. For that, you need to take your time and not rush in. 

Remember: you don't know this guy, not yet. It's exciting when you feel a connection with someone, especially if you've been in a bit of a drought. But it's just a feeling.

Keep dating him, but don't let yourself to get carried away by those feelings, and start to justify the things that are setting off those warning bells. 

He seems better than the last guy, but that doesn't mean he is better.

You got over your divorce relatively quickly, but that doesn't mean that he will. 

Remember, you just met him. You really don't know what the situation is with his wife. You only feel like you know.

You have to hold out for actual information. Take your time, set boundaries, and be firm about them. If he's really into you, he won't rush you.

 

[lostandhurt]

Hora,

Reading all the replies and advice and then your replies it seems like you have already decided to see him again and were hoping for approval.  If you are not willing to listen and at least take some time to look back and learn from past missteps then yes your picker will never be refined enough to stop you from wasting time on the wrong men.

He is married and the divorce process hasn't even started.  That right there is a problem because divorces can be messy an emotionally hard.  Do you want to be in the middle of all that when he finally if ever does divorce his wife?

I would guess that 90% of the men in your area or not just separated but like you mentioned 90% of the men you are interested in are separated.  Why do you think that is?  Are you drawn to these men?

You have a type and I and several of us on here have identified your type even though you cannot seem to admit it.

  If you continue to make excuses to us and yourself why this or that guy is okay to date then yes your picker is not only broken but is lying to you all the time.  Be honest with yourself, it is perfectly okay to want to date very successful men but you need to accept that the men that are single are single for a reason and a lot of them have many of the same traits that help them be very successful but not necessarily good partners.

This guy has potential but he has several orange and red flags waving around him.  If you must agree on a date in  week and keep looking in the mean time.  Give yourself time to digest your thoughts and keep looking.

Lost