Is my picker completely off again?!

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

People who are legally married are not allowed to date. 

Not sure what country/culture that is, but in North America and Europe and many other places, legally separated people a can date all they want without it being construed as infidelity legally or otherwise... Perhaps in some countries women are stoned to death for "adultery", but not in the western world.

[Batya33]

56 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Not sure what country/culture that is, but in North America and Europe and many other places, legally separated people a can date all they want without it being construed as infidelity legally or otherwise... Perhaps in some countries women are stoned to death for "adultery", but not in the western world.

Well no because in the United States if you are separated you are not yet divorced and you are still married.  For all legal purposes. Sure you can date in the sense that many people don’t have sex just because they’re on a date. But a married person is not single.  So if a married person has sex outside the marriage that is cheating. Sure anyone can go on a date without being an adulterer if there’s no intercourse. I would think most people who are married presume that neither of them are permitted to go on romantic dates and if they do so it’s inconsistent with being married and with the vows whether legal or otherwise. I’ve seen numerous posts here referring to someone else cheating whether or not the person had intercourse or committed adultery  

 I wanted to get married so for me personally it would have been bizarre for me to date a separated person who was still married to someone else - sure a divorce might become final or filed for but if a person wants someone who is marriage eligible it makes no sense to date a married person.  (Of course unless it’s a polygamous relationship).
 

I don’t think I’m saying anything the least bit controversial.  Sure the laws might be different as far as what separated means in other countries. I don’t know. I have a friend who is now divorced.  They each cheated on each other.  She was caught first.  He also cheated financially by stealing money for his gambling addiction.  While they were separated I believe they stayed with their affair partners. And continued after the divorce.  No judgment on my part. My friend saw what she did as cheating and I believe was careful while separated to limit her contact to phone and maybe FaceTime so she didn’t hurt the divorce process. Because she knew she was still legally married. That’s a situation where both people violated their marriage vows already so there’s no quibbling over separated or married. They each disregarded their marriage vows even before the separation.

 But here the OP takes the approach that marriage is simply a legal status and it depends whether the person is emotionally ready to date.  Should she marry a person who dates while still married then she needs to be ready for thst person to see their commitment as just something on paper or “official” and to disregard it by dating others if he unilaterally decides he’s emotionally ready to date.  And that’s whether they’re married or exclusive - because of it’s all just a label and only feelings matter it’s perfectly fine to tell your partner “well I went on some dates because even though I promised to be exclusive that was just a label - I went with how I felt at the moment”.  Whatever works OP. 

[Hora]

You seem to treat marriage like handcuffs. I strongly believe relationships are so much more than that. Most people I know are couples with kids and not married. Marriage is not that popular among my circle of friends. Does that mean that they are not committed to their partners? That because they are not married they can cheat? No,  not at all. They've made a commitment to the other person, to their family. That commitment is over once there has been verbal communication between the two partners indicating that it is over. And once that information has been communicated, and both parties agree that the relationship has ended, then, marriage or common-law, each party is free to see other people romantically, and to have sex with them. 

[Batya33]

40 minutes ago, Hora said:

You seem to treat marriage like handcuffs. I strongly believe relationships are so much more than that. Most people I know are couples with kids and not married. Marriage is not that popular among my circle of friends. Does that mean that they are not committed to their partners? That because they are not married they can cheat? No,  not at all. They've made a commitment to the other person, to their family. That commitment is over once there has been verbal communication between the two partners indicating that it is over. And once that information has been communicated, and both parties agree that the relationship has ended, then, marriage or common-law, each party is free to see other people romantically, and to have sex with them. 

Nope. Not what I wrote or meant. I love being married actually and don’t see any handcuff element to marriage in the least. I do take my vows seriously and took them freely and with love and for all the right reasons.  To me anyway my marital status is far more of a heart status than a legal status.  I got married for the former and the latter was also important of course.  
I do see you choosing to get involved with men who are newly divorced or not yet divorced.  I do see you choosing men who over share.  I do see you choosing to “trust” men who you don’t know by inviting them to your home or going to their home.  All of these things in my opinion are quite concerning.  This definition of marriage and commitment is becoming off topic of course but what I just wrote seems to be on point as far as how your choices are seemingly inconsistent with your desire to find a partner. 
Thanks for sharing. 

[DancingFool]

You can keep hoping for a unicorn, or you can deal with realities of life. Fact of the matter is that the vast majority of people might be ready to date casually and mess about, but they are not going to jump into another long term relationship when they are fresh out of one. You are saying you aren't looking to just date, you want an LTR, soooo.......

Look at it like a bell curve. Most people will take 1-2 years to get sorted before they are actually truly open for something long term again. On the extreme ends, sure you can meet a guy who is 5  or 10 years out and still not over his ex, or angry and bitter about the divorce. On the other extreme end you'll have the monkey branchers. Basically people who are either narcs or codependents who can't stand to be on their own for a flipping minute. Among that mess, you are looking for that unicorn who is fresh out, but also genuinely over their past, emotionally healthy, and ready for a long term proper relationship. I say good luck to you with that.

Also, you keep operating from this idea that there is a dearth of men out there for you. There isn't. So I think you need to learn to become more patient and more deliberate about things and find a way to get rid of that dearth of eligible men narrative. Meaning go on a date and check things out - sure. Get smitten just because he can talk a big talk.....NO. 

Being the kind of a person that induces word vomit in others is actually a gift, but one you need to use to your advantage. Listen and observe carefully, but don't get lost in their story. Step back and judge. Be particularly wary of anyone trying to engage your empathy and learn how to step aside or block that cold. To put it simply, listen to your intuition instead of trying to sweep it under the rug just because you are feeling sparks.

Like this new guy you have a date with I believe. He is saying what you want to hear - he is a year out, he has taken the time to sort things out, all good stuff. Now you will need to figure out if that's actually true or if he is full of it. That's kind of the point of dating really. You'll sift through a lot of garbage before you finally find a keeper and the feeling is mutual. Just....buckle in tight because it's a marathon not a sprint. Approach each date in a neutral mode, no expectations. Take some time to process what you learned in that date. Keep the "but I reaaaalllly reaaaallly want a relationship right now" under control.

[Jambalaya421]

my god how many dates do you go on? and a coffee date with a married man, who himself said he wanted to wait and get sorted?

 

i cant read this thread anymore. 

[lostandhurt]

So you are seeing your weaknesses which is good.  I am not one of those guys that gushes over a woman and throws out a bunch of compliments trying to get her to date me.  I do compliment but I don't over do it since I want any woman I am interested in to choose me because she is genuinely interested in me, not just flattered by all the attention.  Be on guard for guys that over do anything.  Here are a few things that might help you find the guy you are looking for.

Is he humble or a bragger?  If his profile has pictures of his "stuff" (cars, boats, house, expensive clothes, expensive trips....) or if he tries to empress you with his wealth he might not be who you are looking for.

Is he interested in you, the real you.  Does he ask about your family, where you grew up, how long you have lived there, your kids, your career, things you love to do. Not the pretty woman in front of him but the person inside.

Is he genuine or shallow? 

Is he a good dad?

These things show the character don't you think?

 I am a guy and have done online dating for a number of years.  I would ask you one favor for all the guys messaging you.  Don't get distracted by all the attention you are getting and stay focused on your goal.  Ignore the youngsters since they just want in your pants as well as any guy that can't take the time to put 2 sentences together. Be wary of guys that give out compliments about your looks but don't seem to have read your profile.  A good trick to help you might be for you to look through profiles of men BEFORE you read your messages and select some guys you would like to message that you are interested in and then check your messages to see if those men actually have messaged you and if they haven't go ahead and send a nice message.  There is nothing wrong with a woman sending a first message and it puts the control back in your hands instead of waiting for a man to chose you, you chose them.

Good luck on the coffee date, this guy sounds like he has his head on straight.  Don't get ahead of yourself on schedules and all that, just meet him and see how you feel.  Keep it simple.

  Lost

[Hora]

20 hours ago, Jambalaya421 said:

my god how many dates do you go on? and a coffee date with a married man, who himself said he wanted to wait and get sorted?

 

i cant read this thread anymore. 

I'm sorry but your comment is unnecessarily judgmental and not even in a constructive way. I believe this forum represents a safe environment where people can come for advise and exchange on various topics. And this thread has certainly had people with different views and backgrounds propose their comments, even debate issues. But everyone has commented with respect for other people's views. Your comment, however, is not only disrespectful but projects judgment, therefore not making this forum a safe environment anymore. "I cant read this thread anymore" - no one has forced you to read it in the first place so I don't quite get the complaint. 

[Hora]

@lostandhurt yes, absolutely. I agree with everything that you say. When I started on those forums, after two decades of not dating, I was a bit naive to be honest. I would go on dates with all sorts of people, which turned out to be exhausting and mostly a waste of time. I am much much better now at judging people before meeting them. And yes, I read all the profiles, several times. I have learned from experience that people do not improve in person, quite the opposite! I'm very chatty over messages, so I have little tolerance for people who can't string two sentences together or have nothing to say. Puts me right to sleep. And the youngsters, yeah no. Lots of those around looking for "more mature women". Pretty sure I know what they intend to do with those mature women! haha! Nothing wrong with that mind you, just not what I'm looking for. 

And I also agree with the "take interest in you". I pay close to attention to that. I have had many narcissists in my past so now I know what to look out for. I hate it when people talk just about themselves. And yeah, big cars etc. so not my thing. I'm really not very materialistic. I couldn't care less. 

And I also do send messages first. In fact, I almost never look at the "likes" section. It tends to be too overwhelming because there's so many. I just swipe through people myself, and if we match that's great. And no problem here messaging first. I actually prefer that. I don't wait for men to do the things that I want them to do. I also often will be the one asking them out on the first date. I like the app Bumble because it's clear who has to initiate. 

So, it seems from what you're saying, that I've got the first part right: the selection process to meet. I've had very few bad dates in the sense of not interesting or not personality compatible men. Now of course, there's the other part of "is this worth a relationship" that I still need to do some work on I think. sigh

[Hora]

21 hours ago, DancingFool said:

Like this new guy you have a date with I believe. He is saying what you want to hear - he is a year out, he has taken the time to sort things out, all good stuff. Now you will need to figure out if that's actually true or if he is full of it. That's kind of the point of dating really. You'll sift through a lot of garbage before you finally find a keeper and the feeling is mutual. Just....buckle in tight because it's a marathon not a sprint. Approach each date in a neutral mode, no expectations. Take some time to process what you learned in that date. Keep the "but I reaaaalllly reaaaallly want a relationship right now" under control.

DancingFool: yes I agree. It's hard to know whether people are full of s*** or genuine, especially if you haven't met them yet. I think that's a bit where my problem lies: I want to believe what I want to hear. But I realize now that this is something that I need to work on. And yes, the neutral mode: I have problems with that as well. I'm just a very passionate person, so neutral is not something that comes easily to me. I get sucked in. I know this is not how I will get what I want. I'm aware. 

As for really really wanting a relationship, you are right I do. But I prefer no relationship over a bad relationship. I have done the bad relationships and I know I'm less lonely alone than in a bad relationship. That I have learned the hard way.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Hora said:

DancingFool: yes I agree. It's hard to know whether people are full of s*** or genuine, especially if you haven't met them yet. I think that's a bit where my problem lies: I want to believe what I want to hear. But I realize now that this is something that I need to work on. And yes, the neutral mode: I have problems with that as well. I'm just a very passionate person, so neutral is not something that comes easily to me. I get sucked in. I know this is not how I will get what I want. I'm aware. 

As for really really wanting a relationship, you are right I do. But I prefer no relationship over a bad relationship. I have done the bad relationships and I know I'm less lonely alone than in a bad relationship. That I have learned the hard way.

I'm glad you don't want to settle.  Being a passionate person has nothing to do with choosing to react to situations in an appropriate way.  A person can be extremely passionate -I am - and make a choice not to "get sucked in" - you're an adult.  Just like if your child was angry and broke something - "it's because I'm a very passionate person Mom so I acted on impulse!"  Um nope.  I think you should take a harder line with yourself than the softball cliche "something to work on" -that's in the category of "sure let's get coffee sometime" -it's meaningless.  Most people would love to not have to put in the effort to use common sense as to whether to believe all that they hear. 

So much easier to just go with your whims of the moment and if it sounds good it is good.  It's not "something to work on" -it's much simpler.  Each time you hear something from a new person that is some sort of promise or suggestion of how wonderful they are, how wonderful you two would be together, how they are so over their marriage so of course they are ready to date -each and every time -at that moment, stop and pause and evaluate -every time.  It's not something to work on in a vague sense - it's literally a habit you can do each and every time you hear something that triggers a hmmmm or that, if you take it at face value, might be too much of a risk.  For example. 

Like if your child said "yeah, I didn't do my homework again cause I got tired then played a video game -yeah I know I gotta work harder on trying to do my homework."  I doubt you would let that one go.

[Hora]

On 3/27/2021 at 5:27 PM, Batya33 said:

Each time you hear something from a new person that is some sort of promise or suggestion of how wonderful they are, how wonderful you two would be together, how they are so over their marriage so of course they are ready to date -each and every time -at that moment, stop and pause and evaluate -every time.

That's actually a really great suggestion. It sounds so simple, and yet something we do so little. So thank you for that. I will keep that in mind next time. Kind of press the break pedal a bit and take a minute to think. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Hora said:

That's actually a really great suggestion. It sounds so simple, and yet something we do so little. So thank you for that. I will keep that in mind next time. Kind of press the break pedal a bit and take a minute to think. 

Could be because you are rehearsing in your head what you want to say or share in response instead of actually listening and pausing.  I'd resist any mindset where you let yourself indulge in generalizations or sort of positive spins "It's because I want to make others happy" "it's because I am so trusting" - etc.  

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, Advisor said:

Click Here For SPAM