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Everything posted by Jambalaya421

  1. if sole reason was money and career she was sold, she would be wanting her family with her. grass is greener on the other side for her right now, and if she mentioned you werent romantic enough,,, she was feeling special from someone else. dont even waste your time talking to her about it. start detaching, and hire a private investigator if legal in your state. review phone records if you can and begin the process of accepting divorce as only solution. 99.99% of people who are cheated on, not only can never trust again, but they get cheated on again too. only thing worse for your kids is to see their dad have no self respect and allow himself to be treated so poorly. Do not tell the kids there was an affair, if so. Just play it kind until kids are old enough. Be their rock!!
  2. sorry honey,but heisnt fulfilling your needs. he is aloof and maybe dismissive avoidant. when you said you are a single mom and he doesnt make you and kids is a priority is where i lost interest in defending him. at 2 years in, yall should be a happy family together. Not necessarily demanding him to be stepdad, but a family nonetheless
  3. agreed. if anything I feel you were the one being passive aggressive and maniulative. she went out of her way to appease you, and only became irritated when you wouldnt let it go. Sometimes in therapy, they teach you that every feeling is valid. To the point of expecting it to be validated by your significant other. You projecting your every insecurity on her would be exhausting to deal with. No couple can survive everyday, psychoanalysis and nit picking. Your feelings are very valid, but do you think married couples you see out and about discuss every thought that pops in their head. You have to pick your battles, give benefit of doubt on the rest. Find some confidence and less analysis. or find someone that simply doesnt bring this out in you.OR FIND SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE I am a highly sensitive person and possibly a super empath. But your line of thinking and analysis has me doing mental gymnastics. alot of the things she said were actually quite kind, and she was saying sorry and trying. everyone has a breaking point, and she was still willing to try to repair. You are not married or living together, or have kids.... that is where the real stresses of relationships begin. my best friend has taught me, do not project expectations onto anybody. you cannot expect anybody to perform as you see fit. OPENED MY EYES to how I was expecting people to fit in my perfect lil box and behave for me. I understand your pain brother, but it seems like you nurture this pain. Im not saying changes, but your hopes of finding lifelong partner that can fulfill your needs might be a tall task.
  4. sounds like she was pretending during the 2nd go around. she deserves an emmy. I respect your takingownershipand sound like a great guy but the odds of a thrird time working out are nextto impoossible!!!
  5. dude, step away from the siruation and look at it from a distance.... this is not sustainable.avoid conflict, make love one last time and bolt brother. the age difference and now she treats you like shiz. start detaching and leeeeeet goooooooooooooo
  6. what is this apology from spouse that everyone speaks of? Being an empath I apologize profusely. I never heard one Im sorry in ten years with my ex..... stonewalling, silent treatment etc.... now its on my short list of requirements for prospective partners... Empathy
  7. not sure what yiu are looking for on a forum sounds like you have all the answers already and should be giving the advice.
  8. you are still emotionally attached after 6 months no contact and are holding out hopes for reconsiliation? as long as you hope, there is no healing or getting to the point of being ready for any relationship. most of your reasons are based out of what he might think, or want, and yes you are trying to demonstrate your strength, your motivation to show this strength is to impress him. and perhaps not to be strong just because. I am 1.5 years into a nasty breakup. timing was off for our reconciliation. she came back and hinted, but I was with a new LOVE. she was jealous as hell. when thet love fell apart she was with her new LOVE!!! if i wasnt with my nbew gf, I would have been back together. if she wasnt with her new guy, we would have been back together. I hoped and dreamed of this moment and did all the hard work. attachment theory, relationship courses, reading all the books.... in the end.... If she didnt value me at my worst, she doesnt deserve me at my best. I am now glad timing was wrong.... Incompatibility and immaturity would rear its ugly head whetever months from now or 6 years... Im a hopeless romatic and cringed when peoplesay exes are exes for a reason. couples that are meant to go the distance do not break up ever. They grow through the issues together. Yes Reconciliation does happen, and happy life can be attained, but in most of those stories that end up long term happily ever after, people go their separate ways for long time and other lovers in between. and immense growth 99.99999% never reconcile stop hoping and your healing odds increase dramatically
  9. think of it simple like this..... is this guy husband material for a Doctor? or better yet. husband material for even a lunch lady? DOnt take it perosnal but this man does not value you as a whole. he is not content with basic relationship. he needs to enhance his ego by going outside of the relationship. Perhaps start framing your mind to letting him go. Start checking out.
  10. Im erring on the side of kindness. It has nothing to do with being right in regards to you, but to show this young lady other perspectives and to see the wisdom behind your jabs. But then again she will probably never be back.
  11. I believe this site is called enotalone. Some of the advice here sure could make someone feel quite alone... This thread as well another from a male member displeased with his wifes contributions both went down the path of blaming the OP. Suggesting fatal flaws in OP's character without even gleaning more info and based on just basic posts. My advice would be,trust your gut. You reached out to strangers on a forum to validate your concerns. They are valid and his behavior is unsustainable and against building a foundation for a healthy relationship, and his recent outings are unacceptable and worsening. Your empathy has caused you to ignore some red flags indeed, but it is now time to establish firm expectations and most likely prepare yourself to end this relationship. It is admireable that you allow room for improvement, growth and are concerned about his well being in the event of a break up. Without further context and details, it sounds like you did not enable him, or were aware of his issues before developing a relationship and moving in. Some of what youre experiencing may as well be chalked up to mistakes of youth, and fellow members advice, while harsh are based on years of experience and learning from their own mistakes of their own youth. Someday you might just be giving the advice of zero tolerance policy on drug use, or staying out late, or moving in too soon. If you allow this behavior to happen and stay just one more time, now that you have received valuable advice, and your concerns were validated by experienced and wise peers, and after establishing your boundaries it will be enabling. Whatever the case, he is taking yiu for granted, not respecting yourrelationship and most likely will not change. Even if strides are made regarding drug use or stayingout, he will probably begin to feel trapped and home life will become strained. Be strong, and demand what you deserve in life. You deserve better than this. We're here if you need more advice or someone to talk to as you navigate this challenging path or help with the transition of ending this relationship. It must be hard to be going through this right now, Please look out for number one. You. Take care.
  12. telling someone who insists they care alot, that they have low self worth is quite concerning. While it could very well be true and staistics support that theory regarding codependency, it is not your place to tell someone that. Is this a psychology session, are you her clinician? She might be codependent and in turn unintentionally enabling his behavior. Maybe just an empathic person that has big picture in mind and would preferto breakup softly, and looking for advice? She came here for affirmation of her desires to leave this man for the red flags, and it turned into a barrage on her character. Are we all a bunch of licensed psychologists? checking this board numerous times a day 365 days a year to psychoanalyze every single person who posts a question? There are a couple bad actors on this site, and it seems like a clique. while more times than not the advice is sound underneath it all, the delivery is harsh and without regard for someones emotions or well being. What ive learned in my journey is emotional safety in relationships. There is not much emotional safety on this forum. the intentions are from a good place, but not a soft landing spot for people who are questioning making life altering decisions are vulnerable, and looking for validation for their feelings. when someone is in the throws of considering ending a once beloved relationship, there is still alot of love for that person, whether the other is deserving or not. Much of the advice given here is years and decades after their experiences,and detached from the emotions of being in the now. You have the benefit of years of retrospect, and Im sure at one point many of us were battling the same feelings of how to navigate this without advice from others. What because this guy has addiction problems and is behaving in a way unbecoming of a healthy partner he doesnt deserve love and compassion, especially when his life is about to be turned upside down? Burn him at the stake! Its his own damn fault. who cares about him. Its called empathy people. Even people on death row deserve basic human decency, and a Nun or priest or penpal to show them that people still care about their soul and offer redemption.
  13. i am sad to see people so quickly to blame the husband. sometimes spouses are just crap. selfish and lazy. no matter how the connection is. so much psychobabble, and somehow suggesting its husband fault? sure itmight just be, but maybe just maybe his wife is immature and disconnected for her own disappointing reasons.
  14. my ex til this day does not understand how an emotional affair is bad. Your wife went outside of the marriage for emotional support period. She has never expressed to you she feels the need for you to be more present for her emotionally? If not she did not express her needs. not everybody knows how to do this, this is what marriage counseling teaches people. You expressing your needs of more help around house is important too! This is the bad communication everybody talks about in divorces. You have to be able to communicate your needs and be heard, and changes attempted. Or youre just not compatible Like I said, if you gave her ultimatum of him or me, she would choose him. and if she chose you she would resent the ultimatum and sneak around your back. Her going off to other room,yes its stonewalling and silent treatment but also reflect if this is her normal coping mechanism? My ex avoided confrontation this way, but never came back to the table to discuss. So nothing ever got resolved. This might be strictly platonic and your wife is allowed to have friends but not when she discusses marital problems or no longer comes to you for support. marriage counseling to educate each other on needs, or shes out!
  15. some people aredry and do not have the empathy or awareness. leaning on friends for emotional needs lead to emotional affairs. it does not have to be romanticto be emotionalaffairs. This characteristic you feel the void of, is what makes a relationship last. It is the essence on why people are together. It is a recipe for a lonely life, not getting needs met. My advice would be to discuss with him in a kind matter and offer Positive and proactive counseling. He might just surprise you. But do not expect friends and family to fill that void.
  16. guys who walk away and go home because a kid is playing in a puddle is not a great guy period. and as far as the articles... read between the lines... he wants to be in the bed with only you for sexual reasons, and perhaps alone time/intimacy. I agree that kids are absolutely forbidden in the marital bed- this was majorfactor in intimacy lost in my divorce... it was still unsolicited and manipulative. unless youre asking for advice, he has no right to say a word. He has every right to say his needs physically, or alone time arent being met and is becoming unhappy, but has no right to manipulate you. perhaps he is immature and unsure how to discuss feelings and needs. He did try in a somewhat non confrontational or toxicway. but it is still wrong. whtever frustrations you sense are just what escapes his tongue, and much moire under the surface. But yes, the kids must not be in bed with mom no more.
  17. move on, live your life and see what his actions are down the road. Breaking up is never a good sign and odds of ever going the distance with someone who breaks up is bleek!
  18. ABSOLUTELY an emotiuonal affair. any time a signifcant other gets her emotional needs met outside of the relationship it is exactly this. It could even be a platonic female friend, if she gets her emotional needs met elsewhere, when you are a willing and kind husband, it is an affair. platonic or romantic. She needs to come to you for her needs. its called triangulation. It happened to me. They form a triangle, like in a love triangle where they makeyou feel like someone else is more important than you. If you gave her ultimatum today, and said you have to end talking to him, or im eavinf... or if you said him or me, she would probably choose him. I would confront her with marriage counseling, or divorce. Be prepared for the answer of divorce. plan on receiving news that it is more than just friends eventually. Do not be surprised and over react like i did. Move on with class. Hold your head high. Reason for offering counseling is perhaps you did not provide emotional safety and she began to feel like she cannot confide in you, or feel safe sharing anything and everything with you. So even though her behavior is immoral, you might be part of the problem. doesnt excuse her behavior, but marriage is a long road. Actions not words!!! and demanding access to her phone while understandable, sounds controlling to her, furthering her desire to distance herself from you In the end, hold your head high, keep being a good husband, and let her dig her own grave. her loss not yours. But absolutely must be discussed and not ignored, or make up and let it go. This is therapy written all over it.
  19. my god how many dates do you go on? and a coffee date with a married man, who himself said he wanted to wait and get sorted? i cant read this thread anymore.
  20. my ex made comments about she stought of coming back 20 times, but im happy to tell her no now. quit reading this thread for hope people. go live your life. took me a year to stop hoping! reading this and watching videos keeps you in a never ending hope trap.
  21. analysis paralysis, but picker is off.
  22. well its been over a year. Besides an envy trip she went on when i met my new girlfriend ... she called and talked for 3 hours and was vulberable and admitting wrongs, but at this time I was committed to moving on with my life and never take an ex back. She tries to keep it strictly about kids but she finds a way to always make inappropriate comments. On The day me and my GF break up due to my new boundaries and standards , and after months of strict coparenting, My kids mom emails totell me she is sorry to hear about breakup then tells me that she met the "love of her life and the man she has looked for for her entire life".. Even though I was moving on, and nearly had her completely in my rear view this hurt me to hear. I feel this was inappropriate. and uncalled for. And kicking a man when he is down. From advice of a respected coworker who has dealt with similar issues he insisted I go no contact and change my number and email. we now communicate thru coparenting app, that anonymizes my number, and keeps record of all communication for custody/court issues. It has been much nicer coparenting experience. Then on xmas day, which she knows is a very tough day for me. She brings new man to my house to pick up kids. This is my first time seeing him. Knowing her history, I feel this was intentional to hurt me. I know I am going to get roasted for even letting this bother me. But I was a devoted family man, and im weird I guess, for feeling like bringing him to my house on xmas was just wrong. I was well on my healing journey but this was 2 setbacks. I am learning that I suffer from at least a trauma bond from years of toxic treatment. It perhaps are deep seeded insecurities allowing this to continue in my soul. was constantly invalidated for years. I am otherwise a confident , good self esteem person. I do have a friend who insists that her emailing me this was not emotional abuse, and that xmas was just a coincidence. I can give benefit of doubt on xmas thing, perhaps, but I cant help but feel her email was completely inapprorpiate. i would appreciate any insight. was this inappropriate? was it attempt at emotional abuse?
  23. agreed, craig kenneth and dating guy. coach lee's breakup repair kit was a sham. his free videos on youtube were better. gave me a refund
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