breakup My GF of 5 years moved out

[DancingFool]

You can do everything right, be the best, most perfect man in the world and still get dumped.

You really need to stop with that kind of obsessive thinking/reading trying to tell yourself that you can control another person and the outcome of their decisions. You can't and it's very toxic kind of thinking.

What you should be working on internalizing is that you are going to be OK without her. You WERE a whole person before you met her and you will be fine going forward and better than fine. Yes, break ups hurt, but you are not going to die from that.

I'm going to mention finding something constructive to do again because you NEED to start interrupting this obsessive compulsive self destructive thought process. I don't care if you don't feel like it, of course you don't feel like it. You need to do it kind of like taking bitter medicine to make a disease go away. You brain needs to shift out of this rut and you are going to have to take some action to force that a bit.

 

[smackie9]

No it only set your self back to the reality that it's actually over and you need to accept it.

Stage 3 of grief: Bargaining

During grief, you may feel vulnerable and helpless. In those moments of intense emotions, it’s not uncommon to look for ways to regain control or to want to feel like you can affect the outcome of an event. In the bargaining stage of grief, you may find yourself creating a lot of “what if” and “if only” statements.

[bluecastle]

45 minutes ago, tjs said:

Have to admit that it didn’t help much.

Continuing on a theme, I think you'd really benefit by cutting yourself some slack. If your definition of "help" right now is "feeling pure clarity and no pain," you are unlikely to find that anything helps.

On the other hand, if you can think of healing as a process, and accept that you are, right now, in the first millisecond of that process, maybe you can feel more settled and receptive.

One therapy session is not going to change someone's mental landscape any more than one pushup is going to change someone's body. You get nowhere unless you commit to the process.  

Just as I can't write anything here to change the way you feel right now, there is nothing you can do, or say, that is going to change your circumstances with her. The sooner you can accept that, the closer you'll be to feeling a touch more freedom and peace than you do right now. 

Something that has helped me, when I've been in your shoes, is a simple phrase: It stopped working. Whenever my wounded heart or swollen ego went into the kind of overdrive you're describing, I'd fall back to that phase: It stopped working. Because whatever other facts were swirling? That was as undeniable as saying the ground is wet when it rains. It's the fact that makes the other ones less relevant. 

So maybe give that a try. Say to yourself: It stopped working. And then? Do something, anything, that does not involve this. Ask a friend how they're doing. Read a thread here and offer some advice, or just some condolences. Walk around the block and force yourself to notice one thing you've never noticed. Eat a brownie. Scream into a pillow. Rinse and repeat, for a bit, and see what happens.  

You would not be a human being if you didn't feel everything you're feeling right now.

 

[tjs]

Thanks guys. I’m trying not to beat myself up. She was just so good to me. To the point where she didn’t do anything that she wanted to do. She did everything for me, even tho I never asked. 
 

Kills me that she went for a 46 year old guy with 3 kids fresh off divorce and a new position of power. How can I compete with that? Does she think there is a future there? Does she not see through the sweet talk?

 

Just feel like she was seriously on the fence and made the wrong choice. I’m really disappointed in her.

 

I’ve always had an obsessive trait when something is on my mind. I’m finding out now that it’s a gift and a curse.

[DancingFool]

14 minutes ago, tjs said:

Thanks guys. I’m trying not to beat myself up. She was just so good to me. To the point where she didn’t do anything that she wanted to do. She did everything for me, even tho I never asked. 
 

Kills me that she went for a 46 year old guy with 3 kids fresh off divorce and a new position of power. How can I compete with that? Does she think there is a future there? Does she not see through the sweet talk?

 

Just feel like she was seriously on the fence and made the wrong choice. I’m really disappointed in her.

 

I’ve always had an obsessive trait when something is on my mind. I’m finding out now that it’s a gift and a curse.

Losing oneself in a relationship, doing everything for the other without taking care of oneself in balance and proportion is not really healthy or good behavior. Just an fyi for the future. When people do that, eventually they burn themselves out and the break up can often come at you and feel like out of the left field.....except that they've been brewing on it for awhile and it has nothing to do with you. It's them.

What can you do? Nothing. Relationships are not a competition and what she does and doesn't see isn't really your problem.

Whether it's the right or wrong choice, only she can determine. That's not on you. You can only judge what is and isn't good for you.

Now that you are recognizing the obsessive trait.....time to pick up some tools to get control over that.

[bluecastle]

What you're doing right now is creating stories to avoid the actual story. This is almost unavoidable—it's what we do when faced with a void, often switching from apocalyptic stories to optimistic one—but it's good to at least be aware of it. Stories are just that: stories, not fact. 

Less abstractly? She did not "go for" this guy, at least from what I can see. For a brief second, sure, he maybe represented something to her. But the only reason for that? It's because she was unhappy with her life station, including her relationship with you. That is why you are not together right now, and the nuances of her discontent are unknowable, probably even to her, and that is the major pain source.

He's just a symptom. So, yeah, you can blame him, blame yourself, blame her, make it all a "competition," and spin around those poles. It's one way. But it's a bit like digging hole in an attempt to move forward: the more you dig, the deeper you get, the darker it gets, the harder to move. 

You're very clearly a tender dude, insightful, with a natural bend toward light and growth and, best I can tell, acceptance. I'm sorry that she stopped seeing all that, and that you are hurting so much. But try to lean into those qualities in yourself, right now, because they predate her and will postdate her. They are what will get you to where you want to be. 

[indea08]

2 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

What you're doing right now is creating stories to avoid the actual story. This is almost unavoidable—it's what we do when faced with a void, often switching from apocalyptic stories to optimistic one—but it's good to at least be aware of it. Stories are just that: stories, not fact. 

Less abstractly? She did not "go for" this guy, at least from what I can see. For a brief second, sure, he maybe represented something to her. But the only reason for that? It's because she was unhappy with her life station, including her relationship with you. That is why you are not together right now, and the nuances of her discontent are unknowable, probably even to her, and that is the major pain source.

He's just a symptom. So, yeah, you can blame him, blame yourself, blame her, make it all a "competition," and spin around those poles. It's one way. But it's a bit like digging hole in an attempt to move forward: the more you dig, the deeper you get, the darker it gets, the harder to move. 

You're very clearly a tender dude, insightful, with a natural bend toward light and growth and, best I can tell, acceptance. I'm sorry that she stopped seeing all that, and that you are hurting so much. But try to lean into those qualities in yourself, right now, because they predate her and will postdate her. They are what will get you to where you want to be. 

I am SO GLAD to see you pop back up!!

OP, you’re getting great advice from one of the best. I agree 100%

[tjs]

Thanks guys. It’s just so frustrating that I realize now we were in a dependent relationship. She was the codependent. If I had known the characteristics of the dynamic, we could have worked on it and probably grew. Unfortunately it’s probably too late. Would like to share with her this discovery, but I have a feeling that NC is still the solution.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, tjs said:

 I realize now we were in a dependent relationship. She was the codependent. 

Who told you she was "codependent"? Relationships end.

Was she helping you out with rent, bills, errands, chores,etc.?

Unfortunately this is a sad case of the relationship expiring in itself and the attentions from an outsider providing the final inspiration and impetus to leave.

You're in the "what if" bargaining stage. What if I did this or didn't do that. 

You'll eventually exit this very uncomfortable stage.  You'll feel a spectrum of hurt, ange,r remorse, etc.

That's ok. Everyone's ex is in the DSM5 at this stage.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, tjs said:

 If I had known the characteristics of the dynamic, we could have worked on it and probably grew. Unfortunately it’s probably too late. Would like to share with her this discovery, but I have a feeling that NC is still the solution.

This your assumption. It doesn't mean your conclusions are correct. 

She is not a child who does not know how to speak up if she is not happy. She does, and you saw that she when she opted to break up. She just chose something else. 

Relationships end for all kinds of reasons, and they're not always under your control. If she lost interest in you, there is nothing you can do. 

[boltnrun]

"Codependent" and "dependent" are not the same thing. Codependent people sacrifice everything out of fear of being abandoned or unloved. That's not the same as being emotionally dependent on someone else. You can find more info online.

And I truly doubt she'd appreciate you calling her to tell her you've diagnosed her with an emotional disorder. That would absolutely not be a path to reconciliation! 

What new things can you do to try to get out of this loop of rumination? It's got to be very unpleasant to go through.

[Lambert]

Break ups are painful and very personal. But the trick is to find a way to accept it as not so personal.

It's a fine line between accepting responsibility for what you need to work on as a human being and accepting some things, especially other people's experiences and choices are beyond our control. 

I have found, incompatibility is a good reason that my brain will accept... for just about anything ending..  it wasn't meant for me.  period. Moving forward, praying and dreaming of new goals and life...

 

[tjs]

25 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Break ups are painful and very personal. But the trick is to find a way to accept it as not so personal.

It's a fine line between accepting responsibility for what you need to work on as a human being and accepting some things, especially other people's experiences and choices are beyond our control. 

I have found, incompatibility is a good reason that my brain will accept... for just about anything ending..  it wasn't meant for me.  period. Moving forward, praying and dreaming of new goals and life...

 

Problem is we were very good friends. We loved to talk. Hard to find that. What kills me at this point is her lying and cheating. She had no remorse for it after I caught her in the lie. She then brought up me looking at girls on Instagram to justify it. Just tell me the truth so I’m not beating myself up forever. Smh. I’m gonna have to see her sometime next month to sort out the apt. Don’t know how that’s gonna go.

[Lambert]

16 minutes ago, tjs said:

Problem is we were very good friends. We loved to talk. Hard to find that. What kills me at this point is her lying and cheating. She had no remorse for it after I caught her in the lie. She then brought up me looking at girls on Instagram to justify it. Just tell me the truth so I’m not beating myself up forever. Smh. I’m gonna have to see her sometime next month to sort out the apt. Don’t know how that’s gonna go.

I know what you mean. You're early on and putting it behind you takes time. 

I always say, all relationships are GREAT until they're not.  I think about the good times I had in my past relationships.  If we could have stayed in those good times,  the relationship would still be happening, you know?  We do get super close with our partners. It is painful to end. 

Everyone has these feelings at the end. Even the dumper. it's highly emotional and it's the weight of regret. And the trick our egos play on our mind... the past is always remembered as better than it was.  The future is always gonna be worse.... we're never gonna get over this, we  can't possibly find better.... 

All of that is bs. There were problems.  You will get over it. You will find love again. Easy for me to say, right? I know. and I'm sorry....

I can tell you, in time, you'll see things differently .  More objectively.  Until then, ride it out. It can't rain forever, as the saying goes. Go have a piece of cake or something.  Nothing like a little emotional eating 🙃

[bluecastle]

44 minutes ago, tjs said:

What kills me at this point is her lying and cheating.

Again, I'm going to caution you from continuing to walk out on this ledge. 

Imagine, for a moment, a scenario in which we replace this man at work with, I don't know, a solo trip she was considering taking without telling you. She researched the trip, imagined herself alone on the beach, saved some money to make it happen, talked to some friends about this over text: that she thinks a trip might be good for her, that she's worried about you two. And as that's happening? She voices to you her feelings, her concerns, makes it so clear, in words and actions, that she is stepping away from the relationship that you two end up breaking up. 

Would you feel, if you learned about the trip afterward, that she was lying, cheating? Perhaps in the heat of the moment, but then...

I'm not saying all this to defend her—she has some places where she really needs to grow, and those places where she hadn't have caused you hurt. I'm saying this to protect your own heart, to give you a platform for healing that is not poisonous, that does not reward and enflame your own wrath and bitterness. She is not with him. She did not leave you for him. These are facts. I get how this would almost be easier if that was the case, since it would give you a very specific bullseye in which to aim all your emotional darts, along with a black and white paradigm in which she is bad and you are good. 

But part of the turmoil you presently feel, the deep inner discomfort and churn? It's because, somewhere, you know it's not this simple. You know that you are two pretty decent people, who shared a lot of history, much of it wonderful, and reached a point where all that failed to allow for more history to be made. How did it get here? It doesn't actually matter because, any way you slice it, this is where you are. It's devastating. It is always, always devastating. Hugs. 

All that said? Feel whatever you need to feel, right now. The tricky part is feeling yourself through those feelings, without needing to fling them back to her, for a response or reaction. It's awful, I know, but it's critical. This is how you began to validate yourself, and find your own strength, rather than need the mirror of another to feel validated. 

You've got this. One day, one minute, at a time. 

 

 

 

 

[tjs]

I’ve been reading the 5 love languages. Have absorbed a bunch of insight on our relationship. Also told a colors personality test. I have a better idea of how people see myself. Definitely sticking to NC until she comes to get clothes and stuff which will be on 3/14. Then she will come back on 3/28 with help to get her bed. My question is how do I handle this situation? Should I try to avoid her next Sunday? I am doing my best to get over it, I still want her back. It seems clear that she wants to be friends, and I was the one to tell her I need space. Do I mirror how she acts? Do I be friendly? What do you think? It will be 12 days NC on 3/14.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, tjs said:

Problem is we were very good friends. We loved to talk. Hard to find that. 

It's not as hard as you're currently telling yourself, in my experience. 

Many couples share that, meaning it's not as rare as you fear. You've got this running narrative throughout this thread that she's not your average girl, that she's different from others - and while I am sure she has her positive attributes, your pain is misleading you into thinking that she's a lot more unique and rare than she really is. 

[bluecastle]

I know these questions feel super urgent right now, as if everything hinges on how you handle these moments. But I hope you can find some sense of peace, if of the jagged variety, by understanding that these are not the do-or-die moments you think they are. 

Take a deep breath, in a week, and ask yourself if you'd like to be there, or not. Let the answer come from your emotional core, not the edgy part of your mind that is still playing chess here. You're not there yet—it takes time—but at some point you are going to genuinely understand that "NC" is not a tactic, but just a way to heal, like a sling for a broken arm. 

 

[tjs]

Guess I just feel like even after I get past the pain, I’m still going to want to get her back. I had not known how to be in a relationship, and I’ve learned so much from you guys and reading about what it takes. 

[boltnrun]

Think about how it would be if you did reconcile.

Right now you just want the pain to end and you are idealizing her because her coming back to you is the only way you can think of to stop that pain. But really think about it.

You know what you know. At the very least she was enjoying communication with that other man while she was in a relationship with you. Right now you think you can put it behind you. But I guarantee you won't.  You will wonder who it is every time her phone alerts. You'll wonder every time she goes to work. Is she talking to him? Is he stopping by her desk or her office? Do they laugh together?  Take a break together?  Go to lunch together?  Does he send her emails and if so, does she respond? HOW does she respond?  If she works late, is she really working or is she having a drink with him? Will you insist she never speak to him again? If so and she agrees, will you completely trust her? Will you get to the point where you're checking her phone or reading her emails or driving by her work to see if they are together?

It's a crappy way to live. I know this because I lived it. You cannot relax or feel secure. It's an anxiety attack, 24/7.

As for her things, I personally would arrange to be out when she comes by. But I have a feeling you'll choose to be there so you can try to "talk" to her.

And she's not a unicorn, I promise. There are thousands of attractive young women, many of whom would love to date a guy like you.

[tjs]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Think about how it would be if you did reconcile.

Right now you just want the pain to end and you are idealizing her because her coming back to you is the only way you can think of to stop that pain. But really think about it.

You know what you know. At the very least she was enjoying communication with that other man while she was in a relationship with you. Right now you think you can put it behind you. But I guarantee you won't.  You will wonder who it is every time her phone alerts. You'll wonder every time she goes to work. Is she talking to him? Is he stopping by her desk or her office? Do they laugh together?  Take a break together?  Go to lunch together?  Does he send her emails and if so, does she respond? HOW does she respond?  If she works late, is she really working or is she having a drink with him? Will you insist she never speak to him again? If so and she agrees, will you completely trust her? Will you get to the point where you're checking her phone or reading her emails or driving by her work to see if they are together?

It's a crappy way to live. I know this because I lived it. You cannot relax or feel secure. It's an anxiety attack, 24/7.

As for her things, I personally would arrange to be out when she comes by. But I have a feeling you'll choose to be there so you can try to "talk" to her.

And she's not a unicorn, I promise. There are thousands of attractive young women, many of whom would love to date a guy like you.

Part of me thinks I’m handling it wrong and if I didn’t go NC, I could still be working her. She wanted to keep talking to me. On Tuesday she told me she was starting to feel better, but after our convo she feels hurt again. She implied that she has done anything with the guy but talk. Should I not try to be on the phone showing her how what she’s missing, and showing her what we can be if we tried again? I think I could trust her if she was feeling fulfilled by me. I just wonder if I’m taking the right steps. She still seems a bit hung up. She has never told me not to talk to her. It’s always “I don’t know”. It’s so hard to let her go. I feel like I need to give it my best shot, and idk if I have yet, or if she would respond differently if I did.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, tjs said:

Part of me thinks I’m handling it wrong and if I didn’t go NC, I could still be working her. She wanted to keep talking to me. On Tuesday she told me she was starting to feel better, but after our convo she feels hurt again. She implied that she has done anything with the guy but talk. Should I not try to be on the phone showing her how what she’s missing, and showing her what we can be if we tried again? I think I could trust her if she was feeling fulfilled by me. I just wonder if I’m taking the right steps. She still seems a bit hung up. She has never told me not to talk to her. It’s always “I don’t know”. It’s so hard to let her go. I feel like I need to give it my best shot, and idk if I have yet, or if she would respond differently if I did.

She will only know what she is missing if you are not there.  If you are there you're showing her you're a doormat and don't respect yourself.  Huge turnoff to most women at least women who are reasonably healthy.  She knows all she needs to know about you.  And if you stick around and settle for scraps and placate her she'll learn that there is a side of you that will settle for poor treatment just to hear her angelic voice.  Ick.

[tjs]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

She will only know what she is missing if you are not there.  If you are there you're showing her you're a doormat and don't respect yourself.  Huge turnoff to most women at least women who are reasonably healthy.  She knows all she needs to know about you.  And if you stick around and settle for scraps and placate her she'll learn that there is a side of you that will settle for poor treatment just to hear her angelic voice.  Ick.

Thank you for this. Thing is, she does have wild anxiety, and she has been acting anything but normal now.

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, tjs said:

Thank you for this. Thing is, she does have wild anxiety, and she has been acting anything but normal now.

But you're not her therapist and she is not with you anymore so how she is acting is none of your concern.  You have no idea how she is acting when she is not with you, even if she tells you how she is acting when she is not with you.  If she has wild anxiety she will choose whether to get some sort of treatment for that issue or do self help or whatever.  None of your concern.  None of your business.  Please don't tell yourself that because she's not acting "normal" you can talk to her and she'll know what she's missing. Doesn't work that way.

[tjs]

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But you're not her therapist and she is not with you anymore so how she is acting is none of your concern.  You have no idea how she is acting when she is not with you, even if she tells you how she is acting when she is not with you.  If she has wild anxiety she will choose whether to get some sort of treatment for that issue or do self help or whatever.  None of your concern.  None of your business.  Please don't tell yourself that because she's not acting "normal" you can talk to her and she'll know what she's missing. Doesn't work that way.

I guess I thought that if I show her what I’ve learned about our relationship and how it could be improved it could give her second thoughts?