breakup My GF of 5 years moved out

[tjs]

I’m gonna stay NC for the next week. Go to the gym, eat better, read, and try out a yoga class. When she comes by Sunday to get more clothes I am going to talk to her about how I respect her decision and how I took things for granted for awhile and also some of the things I have been doing after I’ve been through this. It’s giving me new perspective. I’ll open the door for communication and if things go well I’ll ask if she wants to go out sometime. Thoughts?

[boltnrun]

When I broke up with my ex he sent me a long email detailing his feelings and showering me with compliments.  Then he asked if I wanted to go out sometime.

No.  I didn't break up with him because I wanted to go out with him sometime.  I broke up with him because I didn't want to go out with him anymore.

I fear you're setting yourself up for even more pain.  But I presume you'll say something like "But I need to know I tried everything before I give up".  So, OK.

Like they say, we all do what we must do!

[bluecastle]

33 minutes ago, tjs said:

Thoughts?

My thoughts are that doing everything you just described, or doing something completely differently, or nothing at all, is absolutely fine at this stage.

You'll feel yourself through this in whatever way works for you. What I'll encourage? Be very honest—with yourself—about how you feel deep inside. I'm not talking about how you feel about her, but how you feel around her, be it when she picks up things or, well, just thinking about her. We all have a wonderful little gauge that lets us know if our spirits are feeling nourished, stable, buoyant, or ragged and edgy, a little poisoned. Learning to listen to it is a lifelong lesson. 

From the outside? I still think you're just trying to cure your pain with the source of it, and are, at present, a little addicted to the emotional highs and lows you're experiencing right now. And I think a lot of what you're talking about—saying you took her for granted, sharing perspective, etc.—is aimed at getting her to do something that makes you feel better. 

It's worth noting that, in all your scheming here, you are not considering asking her how she is feeling and what she wants and listening, or considering just telling her, in a sentence, what you want. Why do you think that is? If it's because you're scared to ask that, or don't quite know at the moment exactly what you want, then you might consider this isn't the time to do anything. 

No judgement in those words. Been there, plenty. It's a process. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, tjs said:

 I’ll open the door for communication and if things go well I’ll ask if she wants to go out sometime. Thoughts?

OP, don't do this to yourself. 

She ended the relationship, which means she doesn't want to go out with you anymore. Don't make it awkward by putting her in the position of having to reject you - again. 

[tjs]

I know you guys aren’t optimistic about this, but I feel like I do need to share how I feel. I’m not very optimistic either tbh. Any advice on how to go about talking to her would be appreciated.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, tjs said:

When she comes by Sunday to get more clothes I am going to talk to her about how I respect her decision and how I took things for granted for awhile and also some of the things I have been doing after I’ve been through this. 

Moving out is the end stage, not the negotiation stage.

[MissCanuck]

11 minutes ago, tjs said:

I know you guys aren’t optimistic about this, but I feel like I do need to share how I feel. 

What do you want to tell her that you haven't already expressed, in one way or another?

Or is it the same sentiments, dressed up with diffrerent words? 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

What do you want to tell her that you haven't already expressed, in one way or another?

Or is it the same sentiments, dressed up with diffrerent words? 

Share how you feel in a letter you don't send.

[Rose Mosse]

Usually when people pick up their things it's an already difficult and emotional situation. I think it's a bit questionable and you could end up setting yourself up for worse pushing to reconcile or meet up again that day.

Your good intentions might sound selfish given the already tough situation. Remember that people have lives too, she's probably taking time out of a day off (precious hours) to do something very hard, have to meet someone she's left or broken up with and both of you will be drained. Is it really the right thing to do adding to the confusion? 

If she says yes to you to meet up some time she may be lying to get out of the place safely or avoid arguing with you too. 

The thing to do is stay friendly and respectful but please don't ask her to meet with you again to hang out if you can help it. Tell her you appreciate the time you've been together and how much the relationship meant to you but don't cross the line asking her out again. Usually people say they will stay in touch after a break up but the fact is both of you need a lot of time a part to heal.

I hope things go smoothly and you can both heal separately after this.

[boltnrun]

If I was holding a loaded gun to my head with the safety off, would you give me advice on how to pull the trigger?

I can't in good conscience advise you on how to hurt yourself more.

I know when my ex was trying to devise ways to get me to see or talk to him again I didn't feel warm, loved, happy.  I felt annoyed, put upon, like he DID NOT GET IT.  I didn't want to see him anymore.  We'd gotten to the point where I just didn't want to be with him.  Nothing he could tell me about his "growth", "realizations" or "changes" would have made any difference.

I'm sure you'll say your situation is "different". Everyone says this.  It's not, not really.

I hope you choose not to move forward with this plan.  I mean, you seem like such a nice guy, a man who has so much to offer.  But it makes more sense to offer it to someone who didn't already tell you "no", who didn't choose to end her relationship with you.

[tjs]

Feeling pretty depressed now guys. She sees all these highly driven lawyers at work, and I’m 31 and still working part time. Shouldn’t be much longer. I was just lazy while she was going full time and doing a ton of work. I feel like a pos. I really blew this one and I’ll never be able to truly get over it I feel. Always looking back with regret.

[boltnrun]

"Never" and "always" are a long time.

I don't believe you will "never" be able to move forward.  You may wish you'd done things differently but you won't feel the way you do right now forever.

In time you will see things more clearly and realize she is not the right woman for you.  Sure, both of you could have done some things better or differently.  But in the end, she is not the right woman for you.  Bottom line.

Try not to beat yourself up.  No need for you to cause yourself more pain.  You're going through enough already.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, tjs said:

Feeling pretty depressed now guys. She sees all these highly driven lawyers at work, and I’m 31 and still working part time. Shouldn’t be much longer. I was just lazy while she was going full time and doing a ton of work. I feel like a pos. I really blew this one and I’ll never be able to truly get over it I feel. Always looking back with regret.

So when someone has certain values it doesn't matter who they see around them - they're not sheep who blindly follow someone with different values. If she was inspired by or impressed by her colleagues that was likely because she already had their work ethic, ambition and values in common. And if you didn't share the same values - whether it was laziness or some other reason - that could be one reason she didn't see a future.  Not because she was impressionable.

[TravisRyno]

Don't ever get defensive in an argument. The problem never goes away then. And the tiniest thing just grows and grows because you never dealt with it.

This is probably where the "feel like we can't move forward" comes from. 

[MissCanuck]

13 hours ago, tjs said:

 I’ll never be able to truly get over it I feel. Always looking back with regret.

This is your pain speaking, and in some ways, trying to give you permission to keep trying with her. 

The greater probability is that with true time and space away from her, you will move on. Your thoughts are so heavily laden with emotion right now that you can't see the forest for the trees, but it's unlikely that you will never be able to get over her. Or always look back with regret. 

You need to be careful about the words you use (to yourself) when you think about this. Words are powerful and form a narrative about our feelings, which can be difficult to disentangle from. Setting yourself up for more pain by using absolutes like "never" or "always" is self-defeating. 

[tjs]

We talked tonight for about 30 minutes. The conversation started a bit edgy, but loosened up a lot as it went on. We both laughed quite a bit. I talked about some of the new things I’ve been doing, with focus on self reflection and becoming a more well rounded individual. She did seem a bit guarded and I didn’t make many advances. Gonna try to build up some good rapport before our meet on Sunday. Told her she could get ahold of me tomorrow. She didn’t really acknowledge that, but we will see.

 

Her sister is gonna stay with her for the rest of the week since her parents are out of town. Still waiting to see how this week goes before I decide if I want to slow play it and get her to go out Sunday for a lunch and talk a bit about how we can make it work, or if I should just lay all the cards on the table with an emotional conversation about how we can fix issues and if we are willing to put the effort in.
 

Not too optimistic but I am feeling stronger day by day.

[Batya33]

I think she is guarded because your approach I would imagine must be so overwhelming and off putting to her.  She knows you're "trying" and most people don't react well to that.  She didn't acknowledge your availability because it was redundant -you're so full on you're too available, you're in doormat mode with her.  Please don't see this as some sort of challenge to "build" rapport or "get her" to go out for lunch - even if you were going for a job I wouldn't advise you to be this full on to convince a future employer how awesome you are.  Please no emotional conversations because that will make things much much worse.  Again, too full on for someone who does not want to be with you in an exclusive relationship.  If you want to fix issues first you need two people who 100% want to do that.  Second, it shouldn't be dramatic or emotional.  It should be calm, focused, where you both actually listen to each other.  But in this situation you lack number one - she doesn't want to fix issues, she probably doesn't see any issue to fix because she is apart from you.  She left.  That action -leaving - means she doesn't want to fix issues cause she's done.  

If she sees you Sunday and says "I want to be back together with you, committed and exclusive.  Here are the issues I see we should work on going forward.  Here are some ways I've thought of to work on resolving those issues. I'm willing to listen to what you have to say because my goal is being with you in a committed ,exclusive relationship."  If she doesn't say anything that 100% strong and focused it's a total no go.  Please keep the visit short and practical. 

Also to prepare mentally I'd stop focusing on whether she is with her sister, long lost brother or rescue ferret.  It's none of your business who she is with, whether she is with anyone - her whereabouts and interactions are none of your business.  For all you know her parents will come back tomorrow or next month and her sister could leave today or next year and they might have a huge party tonight or invite friends over.  Please do not inquire about her personal life -if she shares it I'd treat it as if a neighbor told you her cousin was in town.  

[tjs]

Ugh, alright, fine. No more contact from me unless she reaches out.

[boltnrun]

By any chance have you been reading any "Get your ex back, guaranteed!!!111" sites?

The language you're using is straight from those sites.

If so, I sure hope you didn't give them any money.  Those sites are scams and the "testimonials from thousands of satisfied customers" are fake. Plus, anyone with a crumb of intelligence can see through those tactics.

Has she said anything to you that indicates she wants to reconcile?

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, tjs said:

Ugh, alright, fine. No more contact from me unless she reaches out.

Unless she reaches out and wants with her whole head and heart and pinky toes to reconcile and be 100% committed and 100% committed to do whatever it takes. Do you really want someone in your life you have to convince to be with you??

[tjs]

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Unless she reaches out and wants with her whole head and heart and pinky toes to reconcile and be 100% committed and 100% committed to do whatever it takes. Do you really want someone in your life you have to convince to be with you??

I hear you. I think it’s not such a good idea anymore to try and win her back this weekend. I guess I thought I could say some things I realized while we have been apart that she could think about or things that she thinks which aren’t true. I want her to look back and understand what my true intentions were. Not something that she confirmed in her mind that was fed to her by her status driven stepmoms side of the family. 

 

On the flip side, I also have this feeling deep inside that I feel like I need to share how much I loved her and how committed I was, and how bad she hurt me. But I know that isn’t going to do much besides make me feel better.

[tjs]

Also get this sense of needing to discuss why we didn’t work out. Share thoughts on both sides. Give myself a sense of closure.

[DancingFool]

20 minutes ago, tjs said:

Also get this sense of needing to discuss why we didn’t work out. Share thoughts on both sides. Give myself a sense of closure.

First is don't lie to yourself. You aren't seeking closure you are trying to find a way to manipulate her into coming back.

Second....ever heard of beating a dead horse? STOP already. Enough.

She isn't coming over so you can ambush her and corner her into yet another "discussion" about your relationship. She is coming over to pick up her stuff. RESPECT that and leave her alone. Let her pick up her things in peace.

Truly, if you actually want to part on speaking terms, this is the time to back off and show some respect and maturity about the break up. Tantrums and endless "discussions" are not endearing.

 

[arjumand]

And again, you give yourself closure by recognizing that this relationship is very, very over, not by talking to the other person. Closure comes from within. You want to minutely discuss the relationship because you think you can convince her to try again -- you can't. If she wanted a relationship with you now, she would tell you. She hasn't. She has moved on. 

BTW, ranting at her that you don't think she treated you fairly is going to get you what exactly? She will feel bad and come back, not going to happen and do you really want her back JUST because she feels bad? No, you rant at her and she feels more and more that not only was she right to break up with you but that you are also a childish human being she wants nothing to do with. DON'T try and get her back, don't talk to her, have someone else be at the apartment when she gets her stuff. MOVE ON>  

[boltnrun]

You two are not having a "meet up". She's coming over to get her belongings because she moved out. Trying to ambush her for a "discussion" and then trying to corner her to "get" her to go out with you is not likely to go well.

Have you always steamrolled over her thoughts and wishes and decisions? If so, that us likely one reason she left.  You don't HEAR her, you just hear what you want and you disregard her wants.

If you really want to show her you've "changed"? How about respecting her words and wishes and let her come get her things in peace? Stay out of the way. Resist the temptation to bulldoze her. Go in another room or better yet, don't be there. 

As for "closure"? You gift it to yourself when you accept that she has chosen to end the relationship and that she isn't the right woman for you. 

Try to start being kind to yourself instead of thinking of ways to attempt to manipulate her into coming back to you.