breakup My GF of 5 years moved out

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, tjs said:

I just checked her Instagram story today and she posted a vase of flowers with the caption “flowers from strangers”. I feel like she is being cryptic towards me. Probably should just stop looking. I didn’t think she would resort to stuff like this. 

Agree. It may be time to delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps.

For example, you don't really know what that post was about or if it had anything to do with you. But... it's taking up your time and energy and contributing to headaches and heartaches you don't need right now.

[tjs]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. It may be time to delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps.

For example, you don't really know what that post was about or if it had anything to do with you. But... it's taking up your time and energy and contributing to headaches and heartaches you don't need right now.

I suppose. It’s just still so new. I’d rather not block until later, or if she starts posting things that get to me. Hopefully I’ll be good by then. I like to think I’m mentally strong, but this is the most difficult thing I’ve been through. We also have to meet at some point and I want to see what happens after she realizes life without me. Like I’ve said, I don’t hate her, and she is a very kind hearted person. I don’t want to hurt her, and respect her choice.

[tjs]

It stinks that she is staying with her dads side of the family and her stepmom. Her moms side loves me. She barely talks to her mom anymore lately. Her mom thinks we’re meant to be together. It’s disappointing too because her sisters cancer has spread and she’s not there for them right now.

[bluecastle]

Just want to say, first, how very sorry I am for everything you're dealing with. 

I'm not sure I have much to add to the great advice here, save to encourage you, hard as it is, to accept that this moment is just going to be very hard and uncomfortable for a stretch. No way around that, no puzzle to solve, nothing you can do to alleviate the pain and confusion, and that is okay. If you broke your leg a few days ago you would be in pain, unable to walk, without judging it or yourself. Broken hearts deserve the same respect. 

Analyzing texts, IG posts, replaying the past in slow motion and looking for the missed reads: this is inevitable. There's some growth in it—it's clear you're seeing yourself from lots of new angles—and there's also some dizziness. Social media is only dizziness at this juncture. Nothing that happens there matters right now, but it might feel like it does. So when it feels that way? Try to remind yourself of what you know is true: a post, a story, at this stage, means nothing. 

You clearly have a lot of love and respect for her. Show yourself that same love and respect in treating your wounds. That healing, plus time, is what will answer all the questions you have right now. You'll get through this. Keep posting if it helps. 

[tjs]

19 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Just want to say, first, how very sorry I am for everything you're dealing with. 

I'm not sure I have much to add to the great advice here, save to encourage you, hard as it is, to accept that this moment is just going to be very hard and uncomfortable for a stretch. No way around that, no puzzle to solve, nothing you can do to alleviate the pain and confusion, and that is okay. If you broke your leg a few days ago you would be in pain, unable to walk, without judging it or yourself. Broken hearts deserve the same respect. 

Analyzing texts, IG posts, replaying the past in slow motion and looking for the missed reads: this is inevitable. There's some growth in it—it's clear you're seeing yourself from lots of new angles—and there's also some dizziness. Social media is only dizziness at this juncture. Nothing that happens there matters right now, but it might feel like it does. So when it feels that way? Try to remind yourself of what you know is true: a post, a story, at this stage, means nothing. 

You clearly have a lot of love and respect for her. Show yourself that same love and respect in treating your wounds. That healing, plus time, is what will answer all the questions you have right now. You'll get through this. Keep posting if it helps. 

I appreciate you.

[boltnrun]

28 minutes ago, tjs said:

It stinks that she is staying with her dads side of the family and her stepmom. Her moms side loves me. She barely talks to her mom anymore lately. Her mom thinks we’re meant to be together. It’s disappointing too because her sisters cancer has spread and she’s not there for them right now.

Well, her mom doesn't decide her romantic life for her (as she shouldn't).  I'm sure you know that.

You're scrambling right now, searching to find SOME way she'll come back to you.  And that's normal, everyone does it.  But I can promise, insisting on looking at her social media won't make you "strong".  As you've seen, it causes more pain, anxiety and confusion.  You don't need more of that right now.

I recommend unfollowing her on Instagram.  Be prepared for her to contact you asking why.  Resist the contact.  Just ask her to stop contacting you unless it's business related (e.g., the lease).  Don't do things that hurt yourself.  With the pain you're going through it makes no sense to add to it.

Try doing things to help others (NOT her! Or her family).  It really helps to take you outside of yourself, it feels good plus you'll be doing good things.  A win all the way around.

[Rose Mosse]

I'm sorry to hear about her sister's cancer spreading. This is a blow for the family and they are grieving/going through a tough time. Don't confuse any emotions now with feelings for you. 

If you can't do this, it's best to remove from social media. If you have not lost a family member to illness like this it's hard to understand. I'm not claiming to know what they feel but don't run the risk of misinterpreting any outflow of emotion from her during this time. 

This is in response as well to the "flowers from strangers" update on her social media. If her sister is dying, this is probably not directed towards you. 

[tjs]

It just also makes me wonder because only a week ago we were talking about the possibilities of buying a house closer to her job

[Batya33]

I agree with those who suggest you cut contact.  My sense is that she was so "heart of gold" because she needed to grow a backbone.  Her success at work emboldened her, made her feel more worthy, probably got her wheels spinning some, too.  She is at the age where she sees possibilities professionally and that has bled over into her personal life.  But please don't indulge her back and forth shenanigans.  I'm sorry you're going through this. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Well, her mom doesn't decide her romantic life for her (as she shouldn't).  I'm sure you know that.

I was about to write the same thing. 

How much her mom likes you isn't particularly relevant here, OP. Her mom isn't the one calling the shots, and neither is her stepmom. 

This is your ex's doing. 

[tjs]

16 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I was about to write the same thing. 

How much her mom likes you isn't particularly relevant here, OP. Her mom isn't the one calling the shots, and neither is her stepmom. 

This is your ex's doing. 

I just believe she would be a better influence. Staying with her stepmom probably brainwashed her with thoughts of prestige. I feel as tho she is still conflicted. We had talks about our future and how to make it work, she felt close.

[boltnrun]

58 minutes ago, tjs said:

I just believe she would be a better influence. Staying with her stepmom probably brainwashed her with thoughts of prestige. I feel as tho she is still conflicted. We had talks about our future and how to make it work, she felt close.

She shouldn't be "influenced" regarding her personal romantic life.  Those decisions have to be hers alone.  And you can't think much of her if you think she can be "brainwashed".  That implies she doesn't have a mind of her own.

And she "felt" close.  Past tense.  You can't go on what she said or did before she chose to breakup with you.

Are you willing to unfollow her on social media for your own good?  With all the pain you're experiencing, why would you willingly subject yourself to even more?

I know this is difficult.  It's not what you wanted.  It sucks.  But it takes both of you to be in this relationship and right now, you're the only one still in it.

[tjs]

22 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

She shouldn't be "influenced" regarding her personal romantic life.  Those decisions have to be hers alone.  And you can't think much of her if you think she can be "brainwashed".  That implies she doesn't have a mind of her own.

And she "felt" close.  Past tense.  You can't go on what she said or did before she chose to breakup with you.

Are you willing to unfollow her on social media for your own good?  With all the pain you're experiencing, why would you willingly subject yourself to even more?

I know this is difficult.  It's not what you wanted.  It sucks.  But it takes both of you to be in this relationship and right now, you're the only one still in it.

I don’t know. What message does it sent if I block her? I want to be noble. I could just mute her.

[MissCanuck]

27 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

She shouldn't be "influenced" regarding her personal romantic life.  Those decisions have to be hers alone.  And you can't think much of her if you think she can be "brainwashed".  That implies she doesn't have a mind of her own.

All of this. 

She's not a child, OP. And I doubt she's as malleable and naïve as you're indirectly implying, which she'd need to be in order to be "brainwashed."

I think she fell out of love and slowly detached from you. I'm not saying this all your fault, but it sounds like she had legitimate issues with you and not feeling heard or seen much for the last little while. Whatever shiny object might roll into her view now is irrelevant to the underlying problems that brought about the end of this relationship.

It hurts a lot, I realize. But sometimes relationships just do not work out.  

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, tjs said:

I don’t know. What message does it sent if I block her? I want to be noble. I could just mute her.

How is not blocking "noble"? 

Anyway, I recommended unfollowing, not blocking.

Is there a reason why you want to keep checking her social media?  I promise, looking will cause pain, confusion or anxiety, if not all three.  Why do that to yourself?

[tjs]

34 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

How is not blocking "noble"? 

Anyway, I recommended unfollowing, not blocking.

Is there a reason why you want to keep checking her social media?  I promise, looking will cause pain, confusion or anxiety, if not all three.  Why do that to yourself?

I just don’t want it to end on bad terms. If we both work on fixing ourselves, I can see us trying again down the line, but I will not wait for her.

[tjs]

And although I would never do it, I feel as tho crying and pleading with her may have had an effect. She was always so worried about if I would be ok. I just have too much pride for that.

[tjs]

It’s day 5 nc. I feel like I’m getting the urge to want to reach out. I miss the friendship. I know you guys will so don’t, but I feel like the majority of exes here can even get their ex to speak with them. 

[tjs]

I also feel like I should just submit to being there for her, I know being together won’t work out, but I do truly care about her and she doesn’t have many people. I just have to accept that we can’t be together. At least being her friend is something

[tjs]

She just texted me asking how I am doing. Do I respond?

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, tjs said:

 I just have to accept that we can’t be together. At least being her friend is something

No, no, no. 

You're grasping at straws here. 

You can maybe be friends someday, when the thought of meeting her (hypothetical) new boyfriend provokes little-to-no emotional reaction in you. That's how you know you're ready for friendship with an ex. Until then, you're only kidding yourself if you believe you can manage it. It will crush you. 

 

[tjs]

So do I respond? I feel like everyone will say no. But why can’t she be the exception? Maybe there is a different way to go about this.

although she didn’t check my Instagram story.

 

[MissCanuck]

12 minutes ago, tjs said:

So do I respond? I feel like everyone will say no. But why can’t she be the exception? Maybe there is a different way to go about this.

Responding (or not) is rather beside the point.

She has chosen to end the relationship and cut you loose from her life in an intimate way. That doesn't mean that she doesn't care about you as a person, which is why it's important not to assume these "checking-in" messages mean something more. They generally don't, in my experience. It's usually the dumper weaning themselves off the attention and companionship they'd grown used to. 

Could she be the exception? Anything is possible. Would I hedge my bets here? No, I'm afraid I wouldn't - for your own good. It is best to take your space and treat this as a chapter that is closing. You tried to make it right when you realized she was on her way out, and she didn't show consistent interest in meeting you half-way. Keep that in mind. She opted out and didn't want to try anymore. 

[Wiseman2]

Go ahead and respond. It's just a pity text anyway. She's got her friends, family, job, new BF, etc so she's happy now.

[Batya33]

Respond politely but not opening doors.  "Thanks for your text.  Fine, thanks.  Take care."