breakup My GF of 5 years moved out

[tjs]

What are your thoughts on closure for yourself? I have this urge to tell her how I feel, like I need to get it off my chest.

“Bottom line is, you cheated on me. You threw away 5 years for a facade that you built inside your own head. 5 years with a partner who was committed to you through anything. Your own insecurities caused this. ”

I want to say this to her.

[LotusBlack]

3 minutes ago, tjs said:

What are your thoughts on closure for yourself? I have this urge to tell her how I feel, like I need to get it off my chest.

“Bottom line is, you cheated on me. You threw away 5 years for a facade that you built inside your own head. 5 years with a partner who was committed to you through anything. Your own insecurities caused this. ”

I want to say this to her.

This is where you write that letter that you don’t send, which I mentioned in a previous comment. I am starting to feel a bit like you’re addicted to this pain, sadness, and drama. You are literally doing everything everyone is advising you not to. 
 

Leave other women alone, you’re not in any kind of emotional state to entertain any kind of relationship with anyone right now. Leave your ex alone so that she can leave you alone. Just be with yourself and see yourself through this rough patch; focus on you and not anyone else at the moment.

[arjumand]

And what will this accomplish? Will she be so shamed she calls regretting all her decisions or, more likely, she will hold a completely negative view of you for the rest of her life? Being angry and petty is not a good look. Write a letter getting out all of your thoughts and feelings. Then burn it and cut all contact. That is closure. You give it to yourself. 

[tjs]

1 minute ago, LotusBlack said:

This is where you write that letter that you don’t send, which I mentioned in a previous comment. I am starting to feel a bit like you’re addicted to this pain, sadness, and drama. You are literally doing everything everyone is advising you not to. 
 

Leave other women alone, you’re not in any kind of emotional state to entertain any kind of relationship with anyone right now. Leave your ex alone so that she can leave you alone. Just be with yourself and see yourself through this rough patch; focus on you and not anyone else at the moment.

Thanks. I probably won’t do it. Its just the complete selfish attitude she has shown me gives me an urge to do so. Does she not deserve to hear that? She acts as is she has no shame at all. Won’t do it, but it would quench the urge.

[tjs]

3 minutes ago, arjumand said:

And what will this accomplish? Will she be so shamed she calls regretting all her decisions or, more likely, she will hold a completely negative view of you for the rest of her life? Being angry and petty is not a good look. Write a letter getting out all of your thoughts and feelings. Then burn it and cut all contact. That is closure. You give it to yourself. 

Wouldn’t that be nice if she did call and regret everything, just to get rejected. Maybe someday. Wish I could say I wish her the best, but to be honest, I don’t.

[arjumand]

So not going to happen. And keep behaving this way, you are showing her more and more that she made the right decision. 

[LotusBlack]

12 minutes ago, tjs said:

Thanks. I probably won’t do it. Its just the complete selfish attitude she has shown me gives me an urge to do so. Does she not deserve to hear that? She acts as is she has no shame at all. Won’t do it, but it would quench the urge.

What she deserves is not to have you at her beck and call, to not entertain her selfish, self-centred attitude. You do not need to dignify her bad behaviour with a response. It doesn’t matter to you what she does or doesn’t deserve. You only needed tell her you’re done and then cut all contact and walk away.  Your first responsibility is to yourself and right now all you are doing is throwing yourself over hot coals and ashes and hoping that this woman cares enough to help you out of the harmful and dwindling flames that she herself lit for you. 
 

Beyond your initial post, what guidance are you hoping we can offer you? You seem hell bent on putting yourself through more pain than you need to be going through. I know it is hard to walk away from someone and a relationship you want, but at some point you just have to do it because it’s what is best and right for you to do.

[DancingFool]

25 minutes ago, tjs said:

Thanks. I probably won’t do it. Its just the complete selfish attitude she has shown me gives me an urge to do so. Does she not deserve to hear that? She acts as is she has no shame at all. Won’t do it, but it would quench the urge.

It's not that she doesn't know what she is doing, it's that she doesn't care and you going off on a rant won't change that. If anything, it will make you look bad and once you cool down....you'll feel like a complete idiot for acting out like that. I kind of get the sense that you are not normally like this, so it will hit you particularly hard down the road that you stooped so low.

No contact MEANS no contact - no more texting, no lashing out, no lectures, nothing at all. Complete radio silence. Stop looking for excuses to break NC when you've barely started...

Whatever you need to get off your chest - write it out and burn it. Drive out into middle of nowhere and yell out loud and kick your tires if that will make you feel better. Just do yourself a huge favor and don't speak to her anymore. 

Realize something - every time you reach out, every time you respond, every time you talk or even lash out or rant....you are stroking her ego. Look how mighty she is that you schmucky the clown just can't let go and get over her greatness, desperate for any crumbs you can grasp onto. Dude, have enough self respect to walk away without feeding into her bs anymore. That is the best closure you can give yourself - head held high and without a backward glance because she doesn't matter anymore, she doesn't deserve you.

[tjs]

Thanks for the advice guys. You are right. Her new relationship likely will not last. She will regret it in time. I’m actually sad for her. Her mother’s side of the family would be shocked to find out, but she suddenly cut them out of her life. She gave it all up on a whim. Guys like that only attract younger immature women for a reason.

[LootieTootie]

2 hours ago, tjs said:

Thanks for the advice guys. You are right. Her new relationship likely will not last. She will regret it in time. I’m actually sad for her. Her mother’s side of the family would be shocked to find out, but she suddenly cut them out of her life. She gave it all up on a whim. Guys like that only attract younger immature women for a reason.

I didn't read all your posts, but I get the sense that she didn't give up on a whim.

I think she checked out a while back and the other guy pursuing her gave her the confidence to see if the grass is greener on the other side. I am also assuming you might have been her first serious boyfriend.

Saying all that, she is young and at that age is where a woman is starting to find herself, her voice and her independence. Let her find herself by giving her the space in order to give you space to heal. And I mean a whole lot of space.

Maybe in time, after she's done a lot of thinking and growing up, she will sincerely apologized for her actions and how she handled herself after the breakup.

You are grieving a loss, and your state right now is anger and bitter. That's okay. Feel what you need to feel.

But don't forget to remind yourself she dumped you and every time you reach out to her for whatever reason and cause, she is the one in control of you.

So control yourself from breaking no contact, and keep yourself busy - find a new game if you must. Breakups are not easy and requires lots of space and time to heal so you don't bring the baggage to the next potential relationship. 

[LotusBlack]

6 hours ago, tjs said:

Thanks for the advice guys. You are right. Her new relationship likely will not last. She will regret it in time. I’m actually sad for her. Her mother’s side of the family would be shocked to find out, but she suddenly cut them out of her life. She gave it all up on a whim. Guys like that only attract younger immature women for a reason.

You are STILL not understanding what we are ALL saying. This is not about her and what consequences she will meet. It is about YOU and your relationship with yourself. Every time someone makes an important point about closure for yourself and briefly mentions your ex, you completely breeze over the point about you and grab onto the comment about your ex as though that was the main point. Is wasn’t.

you need to stop this unhealthy fixation on your ex and what morals she has or doesn’t have, what consequences she may or may not experience, what her family does or doesn’t think about her, etc. SHE is none of your business anymore. Walk away, stop dwelling on her and start thinking about yourself. You’re not even ATTEMPTING to disrupt your thoughts on her like a previous poster suggested you do. Have you noticed that many of the posters are no longer posting advice or answering any of your comments? They’ve checked out because you’re not even trying to help yourself. I’m not usually one for being harsh, but the advice isn’t driving through to you.

i really wish you all the best luck going forward. I hope you heal with time and meet someone who matches you very well and who you will be happy with long term. I’m checking out of this thread now. Good luck!

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, tjs said:

She gave it all up on a whim. 

This tells me you are still refusing to see what really happened here. 

This break-up was not on a whim. I understand you felt blindsided, but reading your posts, it's pretty obvious this wasn't an impulsive decision on her part. Things had been going downhill for a while, based on your own description. It was a gradual unraveling, not a sudden snip of the cord. 

It's also not quite fair to claim she "gave up", even though I get what you mean. Would it have been better for her to stay when her heart really wasn't with you anymore? If she knew she was not in love with you anymore, it makes no sense to force herself to be with you. It wouldn't have been fair to you, either. 

That's not to say engaging with another man while she was in a relationship with you was right. It wasn't. But he didn't cause this break-up. She was already largely out the door when he caught her attention. Whether or not it lasts is fairly irrelevant. It's obvious she wasn't very happy anymore. Could she have been more clear about that? Of course. But the fact that she chose to leave tells you that she wasn't invested enough to make it work any longer. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, tjs said:

What are your thoughts on closure for yourself? I have this urge to tell her how I feel, like I need to get it off my chest.

“Bottom line is, you cheated on me. You threw away 5 years for a facade that you built inside your own head. 5 years with a partner who was committed to you through anything. Your own insecurities caused this. ”

I want to say this to her.

You can say it but it just drags out the breakup with power struggling etc.

You come off as an angry scorned sore loser if you say this, but your impulsivity probably will move you to blurt this out.

Interestingly blurting out all these hurts and insults and power tripping will confirm she made the right choice.

Staying things like "I'm hurting too much, don't contact me" Is a double barrel of  power struggling by telling her what to do combined with slobbering all over your wounds.

It's Your job to maintain no contact. It's your job to accept and heal and move forward.

Don't be that creepy controlling guy who won't let go.

[Jibralta]

13 hours ago, tjs said:

Just got back from the gym. Noticed a super cute girl there that looks kind of similar to my ex. She was looking at me too. Think I might try to strike up a convo if I see her there again.

Don't take out your frustrations on other people. It's petty and mean. You wouldn't like it if a girl singled you out just because she was angry at her ex, would you?

[tjs]

Guys, I have a lot of pain, anger, bitterness in my heart right now. I feel a ball of nervous energy in my gut when I think about it. I struggle to grasp it. How can I be at peace with myself. How long will this last? I try not to think about it. When I do I get that nervous and anxious feeling again. I’m barely eating. I see her in my dreams. How do I internalize this and get through?

[Jibralta]

You will get through it, believe me.

The problem is, you can't go around it. The only way out is through.

But it will start getting easier as the days go by. Slowly but surely. 

Remember what Winston Churchill said: If you're going through hell, keep going.

[boltnrun]

What have you done to try to get through this other than tell yourself not to think about her? I see you are going to the gym. That's excellent. What else are you doing differently? Are you still checking her social media or have you unfollowed her as suggested?  

You need to be proactive. Just waiting to feel better isn't going to work.

If you wanted to train for a marathon or get a promotion at work you wouldn't just sit there hoping you did well when the time comes, right? You don't lift a heavier weight by just hoping you can, right? You actively work at it. 

[tjs]

33 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What have you done to try to get through this other than tell yourself not to think about her? I see you are going to the gym. That's excellent. What else are you doing differently? Are you still checking her social media or have you unfollowed her as suggested?  

You need to be proactive. Just waiting to feel better isn't going to work.

If you wanted to train for a marathon or get a promotion at work you wouldn't just sit there hoping you did well when the time comes, right? You don't lift a heavier weight by just hoping you can, right? You actively work at it. 

I work part time. I am only guaranteed 2 days a week, but an on call. I am next in line for full time carrier. It could be any day. I unfollowed her on SM and archived our pictures.
 

I’m going to the gym everyday. I feel better when doing that. I also find listening to music helps some. I’m adjusting to living on my own right now. I’m an avid sports fan, but watching isn’t fulfilling right now. I play video games sometimes, but I don’t have people to play with so I don’t have interest. I feel like I don’t have interest in finding a new hobby. I can’t really meet new people outside of the gym because of Covid. I have been reading a lot, that also helps, but it can remind me of my relationship because I apply it to my ex. I try to talk to a few different friends and family during the day. I try to make plans with them, but everyone has their own lives.

Should I have guilt in my heart when I try to rationalize this? I do feel I left things on the table, but I also feel betrayed. I don’t know if it is healthy to think like that. People told me she is a liar and a cheater. Is that how I should remember her? Do I look back and view it as a waste? Did I misjudge from the beginning? Did I choose the wrong person? Will/should I look back with anger towards her? I don’t know how I should feel. I feel like I am just trying to not think about it. Is that the way?

[bluecastle]

24 minutes ago, tjs said:

Guys, I have a lot of pain, anger, bitterness in my heart right now. I feel a ball of nervous energy in my gut when I think about it. I struggle to grasp it. How can I be at peace with myself. How long will this last? I try not to think about it. When I do I get that nervous and anxious feeling again. I’m barely eating. I see her in my dreams. How do I internalize this and get through?

Here's a thought, if you'll bear with me:

What if you judge everything you just wrote above as...okay? Even more radical, what if you judge everything as exactly what you're supposed to be feeling, right now? Not something to shove away, not something to quell with some woman from the gym or an impulsive tirade, but just a sharp and awful swirl of feeling to feel?

We're not all Buddhists—I'm not!—so I'm not suggesting this is all you do right now. I'm just trying to get you to see all this, and yourself, from a gentler, wider lens. A few days with iffy sleep is not the end of the world. If you're eating enough to get through the days—well, that can be enough, for now. You are as alive, right this second, as you were a week ago, two months ago. That is a hard fact worth remembering. 

And finding a way to celebrate. So I'll join bolt in asking: What else are you doing, for you? For real, make a list. Ever try yoga? Maybe this is a good moment to start, certainly a good moment for trying things out. Got me through a breakup a decade ago, and became a lifelong practice, a paradigm shift, so I'm biased. But what else? Pottery, a drive to a town you've never been to, volunteering at a soup kitchen, indulging in something indulgent (but responsibly!), and so on and so forth.

Sounds pretty forced and awkward, I'd imagine, and that's because it is. At first, no different than how it feels very awkward to have to walk with walker or cane after breaking a leg. You don't go from surgery to marathon, but if a marathon is the goal? You start with tiny steps. When it comes to emotional pain, those tiny steps are about feeling what you feel and then doing something to augment that feeling—not to drown it, but to compliment it. Yin to yang. You live for a bit with the void, and the void softens. Try to annihilate it, on the other hand, and it widens, consumes. 

Hugs, my friend. You will get through this. You are getting through this. These are the hardest days.

 

[Lambert]

32 minutes ago, tjs said:

Guys, I have a lot of pain, anger, bitterness in my heart right now. I feel a ball of nervous energy in my gut when I think about it. I struggle to grasp it. How can I be at peace with myself. How long will this last? I try not to think about it. When I do I get that nervous and anxious feeling again. I’m barely eating. I see her in my dreams. How do I internalize this and get through?

hi tjs

I've been following this thread and you've received a lot of good advice.

Everything you explain here is completely horrible, but typical. You won't always feel this way. Now is the time to do nothing. Nothing rash anyway... rest, eat junk food, try to do some work or stare at the TV, take long showers, sob if you need to.

I wanted to tell you, a story if you'll indulge me.... At a time, I was your ex.... in a ltr with a guy.  And I got a new boss. As I was working with this guy, I was realizing what my bf was and wasn't.

I had been just going along in the relationship and it was all fine.... but coming in contact with this new guy, I was realizing my relationship was not really what I really wanted long term. Over time it showed the cracks I had been ignoring. 

I wanted more than what I had with my bf. And I tell you this, not to make you feel worse. but to highlight the fact that it was about me.

I wanted to grow beyond what my relationship was.  I didn't choose my new boss over my bf. It wasn't about either of them. 

So while I agree with others your ex needs to grow up and stop being so selfish etc..  that is where she is.  Its not going to happen this week or next. 

So try to remind yourself that right now you guys are not on the same page and that's ok. You be on your page. you do you, as the saying goes.

try to remember that while you are hurting, you really don't want to hurt anyone else. That includes her AND  any future women.  You are a mess and you don't need to use some innocent woman at the gym to hurt your ex or soothe your ego. That's not cool or noble. 

in time, you will find for yourself, coming home from that first first date, after a break up, can be one of the saddest, most emotional moments in life. 

Just chill for right now. Recognize you have nothing to offer anyone but YOURSELF right now. Take a break for a few days to mope and then be with your core team- family and bffs. Strangers for small talk can be good too. you don't want to be with people you have to explain yourself to.  

hang in there.  you're not the first person to go through this and you won't be the last.  keep posting and sharing here.  give others some advice..  its gonna be OK. ❤

[tjs]

4 minutes ago, Lambert said:

hi tjs

I've been following this thread and you've received a lot of good advice.

Everything you explain here is completely horrible, but typical. You won't always feel this way. Now is the time to do nothing. Nothing rash anyway... rest, eat junk food, try to do some work or stare at the TV, take long showers, sob if you need to.

I wanted to tell you, a story if you'll indulge me.... At a time, I was your ex.... in a ltr with a guy.  And I got a new boss. As I was working with this guy, I was realizing what my bf was and wasn't.

I had been just going along in the relationship and it was all fine.... but coming in contact with this new guy, I was realizing my relationship was not really what I really wanted long term. Over time it showed the cracks I had been ignoring. 

I wanted more than what I had with my bf. And I tell you this, not to make you feel worse. but to highlight the fact that it was about me.

I wanted to grow beyond what my relationship was.  I didn't choose my new boss over my bf. It wasn't about either of them. 

So while I agree with others your ex needs to grow up and stop being so selfish etc..  that is where she is.  Its not going to happen this week or next. 

So try to remind yourself that right now you guys are not on the same page and that's ok. You be on your page. you do you, as the saying goes.

try to remember that while you are hurting, you really don't want to hurt anyone else. That includes her AND  any future women.  You are a mess and you don't need to use some innocent woman at the gym to hurt your ex or soothe your ego. That's not cool or noble. 

in time, you will find for yourself, coming home from that first first date, after a break up, can be one of the saddest, most emotional moments in life. 

Just chill for right now. Recognize you have nothing to offer anyone but YOURSELF right now. Take a break for a few days to mope and then be with your core team- family and bffs. Strangers for small talk can be good too. you don't want to be with people you have to explain yourself to.  

hang in there.  you're not the first person to go through this and you won't be the last.  keep posting and sharing here.  give others some advice..  its gonna be OK. ❤

Simply reading the part where you said you realized what your bf was and wasn’t brings so much pain to me. I can’t help but think that I wish she would’ve told me this. But I understand that it most likely wouldn’t have mattered. There is no going back now and I will learn from it. I have a feeling of hopelessness. Like I have no direction. I thought I had my partner and my life had a path laid out. Eventually this will fade. I don’t know what’s next. It’s depressing. I question all the things that I previously had interest in, and wonder if that is what truly makes me happy. I’m lost too, just as she is.

[Lambert]

19 minutes ago, tjs said:

Simply reading the part where you said you realized what your bf was and wasn’t brings so much pain to me. I can’t help but think that I wish she would’ve told me this. But I understand that it most likely wouldn’t have mattered. There is no going back now and I will learn from it. I have a feeling of hopelessness. Like I have no direction. I thought I had my partner and my life had a path laid out. Eventually this will fade. I don’t know what’s next. It’s depressing. I question all the things that I previously had interest in, and wonder if that is what truly makes me happy. I’m lost too, just as she is.

I'm sorry.  I understand.  It is painful.  But you're right...it probably wouldn't have made a difference.  Because it is not a list of things to be changed.  it's an observation, an opinion, a realization.... undefined and unexplainable. 

It is a disappointment to let go of a future and path we thought we had or were on.  

In some ways that is a problem with the human condition. We comfort ourselves in the things we know, the things that we think define us as ok.  But none of those things actually last... life is a constant state of change.. gains & losses. Every new beginning is some other beginnings end.  (line from the song closing time) 

It's a journey and even when we're with someone, it's still just us. Still just them... separate...  we cross and we uncross paths.  Just like being with her wasn't carved in stone neither is you being apart.  There is a deeper message here that maybe you'll explore in time.  The one thing you can count on is,  when things fall apart,  they usually come back better.  Maybe not with her but with someone better suited for you. 

 

[smackie9]

1 hour ago, tjs said:

Guys, I have a lot of pain, anger, bitterness in my heart right now. I feel a ball of nervous energy in my gut when I think about it. I struggle to grasp it. How can I be at peace with myself. How long will this last? I try not to think about it. When I do I get that nervous and anxious feeling again. I’m barely eating. I see her in my dreams. How do I internalize this and get through?

Time is your answer. You are grieving the loss of your relationship. You are at the anger stage. Perfectly normal to have these feelings, tho unpleasant. This is necessary to go through this. It's how your mind and body adjusts while it expels these emotions. In about another week or so, you will start to sleep better, feel better, and the waves of pain go to a slow to almost nothing.

The best way to handle it, is to keep busy so you are not there "thinking" about it. Like go for walks, exercise, volunteer, like walk a friends dog, bring someone a meal, or help someone by doing some shopping for them. Do positive things, even small things to get you off the computer/couch.

[tjs]

Hasnt been long since we last spoke. I talked to a therapist last night that my mom works with. Have to admit that it didn’t help much. You guys have offered better advice than her. Today I feel really down. I miss her badly. I dreamt about her non stop last night. I dreamt that we got back together. When I woke up I was disappointed. I think about all the things I didn’t do for her. I’ve been reading a lot, and learning things about both of us. It feels like I will never love anyone like I do her, and constant regret.

[tjs]

I feel like my last conversation with her where I called her out, and then told her I’d still take her back, set my clock back to zero and ruined my chances of reconciliation.