breakup My GF of 5 years moved out

[bluecastle]

Deep breaths, my friend. Seriously: take about five before reading on. 

You back? Okay, feel what you need to feel—anger, confusion, all of it—but please try not to go down the road of "exposing" her. That is a road to nowhere, and one that takes a long time to exit the further down you go. 

If a few texts from a prosecutor are enough to nosedive a relationship, the relationship was already losing altitude. Make sense? This is the hardest part right now, the thing you're struggling to accept: the plane you two were flying hit the ground because it wasn't built to fly higher, not now. Everything else is extraneous, noise, or what they call drama. 

The high ground is your friend right now. If this changes your thoughts about wanting to be back together, okay. Let those simmer. Let it all simmer. That is better—for you, your heart, your spirit—than turning the dial to boil. 

 

[tjs]

3 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Deep breaths, my friend. Seriously: take about five before reading on. 

You back? Okay, feel what you need to feel—anger, confusion, all of it—but please try not to go down the road of "exposing" her. That is a road to nowhere, and one that takes a long time to exit the further down you go. 

If a few texts from a prosecutor are enough to nosedive a relationship, the relationship was already losing altitude. Make sense? This is the hardest part right now, the thing you're struggling to accept: the plane you two were flying hit the ground because it wasn't built to fly higher, not now. Everything else is extraneous, noise, or what they call drama. 

The high ground is your friend right now. If this changes your thoughts about wanting to be back together, okay. Let those simmer. Let it all simmer. That is better—for you, your heart, your spirit—than turning the dial to boil. 

 

Why? She betrayed me. What more is needed to say? There is no reconciliation if she slept with him. It’s over. Done. Finito.

 

how could I ever trust her again? She works with the guy. To hell with her happiness. She threw away 5 good years for status!

[tjs]

I told her to call me tonight. She said she is afraid to call me. Why would she be afraid? Oh yea, she threw it all away to **** her way to the top

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, tjs said:

Need help guys, I feel like I have to confront her

Please don't.  I promise confronting her will not do a thing to make you feel better. She will deny, minimize, deflect, but only after she accuses you of snooping into her personal communications.

However, perhaps finding this will help take her off the pedestal you have her on. Even though I can imagine it was shocking and painful to find. It could be the catalyst to help you move forward.

[tjs]

I just got off the phone. I started it off casual. Talked about why I didn’t respond to her texts. She had mentioned honesty a couple weeks ago. So I prompted her on if there was someone else. She said no strongly. I mentioned I saw some texts that said otherwise. She said the guy was telling her she’s beautiful, intelligent, and can go far. She said she looked at our relationship and felt she wasn’t getting these things from me. I’ve always felt that way, just didn’t pour it on all the time. Some people show love differently. 
 

She said she ended that at some point. I couldn’t see texts after 2/5 so I just don’t know. She said I acted like something happened between them. I couldn’t confirm so I left it at that. I told her it’s not something I ever expected and I hope that she didn’t lose sight of why I fell in love with her. Her morals and values. 
 

idk, she asked if I thought we could still make it work. I said I think it’s possible with hard work, but the hell if I know. I’m just so scrambled right now. She said she still loved and cared, but I said if people do, they would actually see it through again.

she said she thought I was calling to tell her to not contact her again, and she had no clue she was going to be blindsided by this. She got emotional. She said she didn’t know what to say.
 

idk man. I thinks it’s probably over now. Not really happy with how it went. Didn’t get many answers, but I do feel better that I got it off my chest. Did ask for reconciliation if we both work, but I’m not sure she was going for it. She just said she feels so all over the place now and needed to get off the phone. You guys were right, probably blew any chance for the future, but hell, what’s it really matter anyway, probably wouldn’t be able to get over it in the long run.

[tjs]

She said she wouldn’t normally go for that, but because she was getting that attention all the time, she questioned our relationship. Is that not emotionally cheating? Not sure I can get past that even tho she tries to justify. She brought up some things she saw on my phone from a couple years ago between me and my boy about a girl we went to high school with. She had gotten her nipple pierced and had a pic where you could see it. It was just locker room talk. 
 

I never lost my cool on the call. Honestly I don’t know if she feel like she could ever talk to me again. She said she is just doesn’t know, and is overwhelmed. I probably pushed her more towards him, but who knows. It’s so fresh that I don’t know how I will feel tomorrow. I still have this pit in my stomach now as if I’m waiting again. It’s like the ball is in her court and I’m so done with her if she is not all ins and ready to talk about everything.

[Rose Mosse]

Give it some room now. What's done is done. I'd avoid any comments to her about her losing sight of her morals or values. This sounds so painful and hurtful to both of you. You're upset so let it be since you've already got it off your chest. I don't think there's enough trust between the both of you to continue working or looking to a reconciliation. 

 

[tjs]

17 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Give it some room now. What's done is done. I'd avoid any comments to her about her losing sight of her morals or values. This sounds so painful and hurtful to both of you. You're upset so let it be since you've already got it off your chest. I don't think there's enough trust between the both of you to continue working or looking to a reconciliation. 

 

It’s absolutely brutal. I don’t know what will come of this. If she will run away, or ask for forgiveness. I feel a great deal of pain after uncovering this. But it’s probably best that it came out. Regardless of what happens.

[Rose Mosse]

I'm reliving my own separation reading all this so I am really sorry all this is happening. I guarantee you the longer the separation or break up is prolonged the worse it will continue to feel. Though I spent lots of time going over and over again in my head all the things that we could have changed or done differently, it didn't change what was already done and there was just too much done(and not done enough). All this info.. one day, you won't need to know as much anymore or need to be as plugged or tuned in. You will come out of this one day. Give yourself time to fall apart and just be sad. 

It's good that you can write it out and just release all that here. Even if she asks for forgiveness, would you still be looking over your shoulder? Would the cracks already be there? Too soon right now? I think letting go of someone comes in the most saddest smallest droplets. You never know if you can until you do. The only thing that got me through was knowing I was made up of more than the relationship (other things to live for). So think of that if you're down and feeling so overwhelmed.

 

[tjs]

I do miss the person before all this started. But seeing her sister tell her that whatever decision she makes in choosing between him and me, she would support. That is hard to get out of my head. Even if she was truthful about ending that before anything really happened between them.

[tjs]

And it’s like she didn’t even feel bad about it!

[tjs]

I wonder if this changes things at all, here’s why. I believe this emotional cheating led to her wanting him instead of me. She said she put an end to it, and never went beyond. Perhaps she felt that she knew she could never tell me what happened with me being destroyed. So she ended it with me.

 

now, I know. I wasn’t shaming her for it, rather I understood why she gave him the light of day. Told her I believe we could move forward if both of us are honest, and that I loved her. 
 

Now that this is out in the open, it’s pretty obvious this is why we broke up. Things changed because of him, but I don’t think he wants a relationship, or she decided no for some other reason. 
 

if someone is willing to stay with you through this and work with you, doesn’t that show how much you love them? Potentially growing that bond stronger? I feel like when this happens in other relationships where the girl leaves because they only see the fun and exciting things in a new man, they often want to come back when it doesn’t work out. Although they would have to come clean. Perhaps she couldn’t deal with the shame in telling me what happened, because of all the things that she has said in the past about cheating.

 

thoughts?

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, tjs said:

 seeing her sister tell her that whatever decision she makes in choosing between him and me, she would support. That is hard to get out of my head. 

Why? Her family should support her in her endeavors. 

You need to step way back. She moved out may be seeing someone.

Talk to your own family about the breakup. Cool down before you do anything you'll regret.

It doesn't matter if she's seeing someone, what she's doing where she's going etc.

She came to you and sincerely and honestly told you it was over and she's moving out.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, tjs said:

 Perhaps she couldn’t deal with the shame in telling me what happened, because of all the things that she has said in the past about cheating.

Maybe she was ashamed, but that's not why she ended it. 

 

[boltnrun]

4 hours ago, tjs said:

if someone is willing to stay with you through this and work with you, doesn’t that show how much you love them? Potentially growing that bond stronger?

But she would have to want this.  Maybe I missed it, but I didn't read that she said she wanted forgiveness and the chance to try again.

It takes the both of you to be in this relationship for it to actually work. Right now you're the only one still in the relationship. 

Please just step back, stop looking for and reading her communications, stop looking at her social media, unfollow her and if she contacts you again ask her to please stop, at least for the next few weeks. Doing all of this will help you even though right now you think you'd rather not. Be your own best friend instead of worst enemy.

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

But she would have to want this.  Maybe I missed it, but I didn't read that she said she wanted forgiveness and the chance to try again.

It takes the both of you to be in this relationship for it to actually work. Right now you're the only one still in the relationship. 

Please just step back, stop looking for and reading her communications, stop looking at her social media, unfollow her and if she contacts you again ask her to please stop, at least for the next few weeks. Doing all of this will help you even though right now you think you'd rather not. Be your own best friend instead of worst enemy.

This plus what Wiseman wrote.  You're venturing into potentially harmful territory -not just with no chance of reconciliation but worse if she feels confronted, harassed, threatened or if her family does.  Stay out of it.  It's no longer your business.  Keep it business like if property has to be divided.  Use an objective third party to assist.  My husband and I got back together after dating in the past but I am absolutely positive that had we gotten back together a month after breaking up (I wanted to even though I'd ended it!) we wouldn't be together now because it would have created too much drama.  I'm glad he said no back then.  I'm glad I walked away calmly.  I'm glad we had really really limited contact for the next 7 years.  Please leave her alone.  Avoid any contact unless it's financial/property and at this point I'd use a third party.

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, tjs said:

I believe this emotional cheating led to her wanting him instead of me. She said she put an end to it, and never went beyond.

I think when she realized she was looking outside of the relationship for something, she questioned herself: Am I getting what I need in my current relationship? Can I get what I need in my current relationship?

The answers to those questions ultimately led her to end the relationship.

That was the respectful thing to do, in my opinion. 

[tjs]

Feel like I blew this guys. Probably gonna bow out now. I feel awful. Need to distance myself.

[bluecastle]

More deep breaths. They can really help.

Stepping back is not blowing it. I don't want to speak for others, but my impression in the posts here is that everyone is trying to get you to see this moment from a slightly wider lens, knowing how very hard that is. 

You're not here because of where you came up short as a partner, or because of some co-worker, and wherever this all goes? Last night is not going to be as relevant as you think, right now. Relationships, like people, are more mysterious than that, more complex.

This moment, with all the specifics? Try to think of it as the moment right after a bomb goes off. It's chaos, despair, destruction, dust and debris. That's it. Trying to rebuild, this second? Not possible, not now. People are hurting, buildings are still on fire. This is triage, healing.

There is tremendous strength—and freedom—in accepting when we need to sit down and heal. That strength is in you, right now, asking for you to see it. 

 

 

[tjs]

23 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

You're not here because of where you came up short as a partner, or because of some co-worker, and wherever this all goes?  

What is the reason I’m here?

I felt like I was getting better after 6 days. Now I feel probably worse because of what I found out. And the realization that she just isn’t capable of loving me anymore. I think the only reason she cried last night was just thinking about the relationship and sad that she feels the way she does, knowing that I still feel this way about her after everything.

[tjs]

Update: So I unfollowed her on social media. An hour later she sends me this.

“What are you doing, (my name)?
I am so confused. The combination of the phone call last night and now you have unfollowed me on social media. None of this makes sense to me.

I am at work, but I can’t really think of anything but those two things right now. ”

[tjs]

My response:

I’m trying to make sense of it too, b. I felt as tho last nights conversation was counterproductive for me. I’m not sure how you are feeling about it. I figured it would be best to distance myself for my own well being.

 

Her response: 

Hearing you say that allows me to understand it. I’m not asking for a play by play, or telling you that you have to keep me updated as you process this, but it is confusing when the actions don’t line up with the words. This hurts all over again - Some of it began to ease up just a tiny bit and now it has hit me once again. 

My parents are going to be gone for two weeks and I am terrified that I am going to start having breakdowns once I am all alone. I’ve been distracting myself on purpose. I am afraid that when those feelings hit that I am going to try to call you and message you, but I know that it isn’t okay for me to do that.

 

what now?

[DancingFool]

51 minutes ago, tjs said:

What is the reason I’m here?

I felt like I was getting better after 6 days. Now I feel probably worse because of what I found out. And the realization that she just isn’t capable of loving me anymore. I think the only reason she cried last night was just thinking about the relationship and sad that she feels the way she does, knowing that I still feel this way about her after everything.

Look, you really need to stop interacting with her, separate your things asap and go NC. This is for your own sake and sanity. 

You've become kind of obsessed with the idea of reconciling when you really need to start working on accepting that it is over.

Also, what you discovered....honestly.....it's a complete relationship ender. Even if she were to come crawling back in a month or two, no that's not love that's disrespect. Mainly because she thinks you are so pathetic and have so little self respect that she can do whatever and you'll be there and take her back. At that point it's only a matter of time before some other guy will catch her eye. Cheating and break ups do not make a relationship stronger, it destroys the very foundation of a healthy relationship - trust. Whatever you thought or believed of her before, she is now proven to be a different person going forward. Do think on that instead of fixating on "I want her back no matter what."

You really need to disconnect - accounts, social media, bills, personal things. The longer you both keep dragging out this break up the more crazy making it's going to get for you. Stop the madness, part ways, go full NC and start healing.

[Jibralta]

I think that your response was good.

Just tell her that you care about her, but to please respect your need for distance.

Frankly, I don't think it's fair of her to try to rely on you for emotional support at this point.

[DancingFool]

Also, ALL of her reaching out and responses to you have been completely self centered. Have you noticed that? All about her, her feelings, etc. Yet she is the one who blindsided you and dumped you and yet now she is demanding that you make her feel good about it. Open your eyes - you don't deserve to be treated like that and you can put a stop to it by truly going and sticking to NC.