breakup My GF of 5 years moved out

[bluecastle]

You are, right now, in the vortex. It's a bit like being on drugs, so indulge me a metaphor. When people are on drugs? They have all sorts of wild ideas and notions. And, hey, sometimes some of those ideas aren't so harebrained! But most? They are chemical madness. Only way to sort out the ones that make sense from the ones that don't? It's to sober up. 

So, on that note, consider this idea, to maybe have some perspective: nothing you do for the next 30 days—nothing—is going to have any effect on, really, anything when it comes to this. Or this one: If there was something you could do, right now, that would illicit the exact reaction you're hoping for? That would just be because you are both so emotionally zonked, too high on loss and pain to know up from down. 

Conclusion? The only way to have any idea about anything—even a shred more strength and perspective than you have right now—is to let the next 30 days pass. Rehab. That doesn't mean going dark here—keep riffing, wondering, asking, reflecting—but it means challenging yourself to let go of this idea that you have the power to sway her, and this, one way or another. 

Because that? It's a very dangerous way to view people, and connections to people. You're slipping in some language here—"I could still be working her"—that is not the language of stable, loving romances, or even kind human connection. Now, that's okay—you are in the fire—but see it and acknowledge it, so it's not steering your wheel. 30 days. Commit to it. 

I feel for you, friend. I'm reliving some moments in my own past here, and can recall the pain. There is another side to it—there always is—and who you are on that other side, whatever the circumstances, be it back together or not? Your choices right now shape that. Think on that a bit, asking less about what you can do to get her to feel x, y, or z, but the question that is always most important: Who do you want to be? What version of yourself do you want someone to be with? 

 

 

[Batya33]

35 minutes ago, tjs said:

I guess I thought that if I show her what I’ve learned about our relationship and how it could be improved it could give her second thoughts?

You show her what you've learned by giving her space.  You've learned nothing that is relevant to being with this person.  By this I mean sure you might have had a number of revelations, of aha moments - but all this happened very recently and in reaction to her moving out.  Will the learning translate into actions that make you compatible with her in a romantic relationship and her compatible with you? Yes if the following happens - if you are apart for at least a number of months with no contact.  If she misses you a lot and realizes that she wants to be with you.  Because what you've "learned" doesn't change who you are.  It might change how you react or how you behave in certain situations but for all you know she won't find that attractive in the least or she will want something different. 

 

But if several months from now she reaches out to you and tells you she wants another chance, tells you exactly why - concrete reasons why - reasons that are more than "I miss you" or "I love you"- then perhaps you can meet up and put into practice your new found relationship skills.  And perhaps those skills will improve the way you relate.  Or not.  You're engaged in a fantasy of wild speculation "if only she sees how I changed she'll want me back right now so I just have to convince her!!"  Nope.  Doesn't work that way.  

I'm also going to repeat what I wrote many pages above.  Even if you tried again now you'd realize that nothing has changed except this short term missing each other.  And if you broke up again - that would basically guarantee slamming the door forever.  Several months from now perhaps - no do not hold out any hope of what will be several months from now -all I mean is several months from now if all those pieces I wrote above are in place perhaps you two can meet for a date and take it from there. 

[tjs]

14 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

You are, right now, in the vortex. It's a bit like being on drugs, so indulge me a metaphor. When people are on drugs? They have all sorts of wild ideas and notions. And, hey, sometimes some of those ideas aren't so harebrained! But most? They are chemical madness. Only way to sort out the ones that make sense from the ones that don't? It's to sober up. 

So, on that note, consider this idea, to maybe have some perspective: nothing you do for the next 30 days—nothing—is going to have any effect on, really, anything when it comes to this. Or this one: If there was something you could do, right now, that would illicit the exact reaction you're hoping for? That would just be because you are both so emotionally zonked, too high on loss and pain to know up from down. 

Conclusion? The only way to have any idea about anything—even a shred more strength and perspective than you have right now—is to let the next 30 days pass. Rehab. That doesn't mean going dark here—keep riffing, wondering, asking, reflecting—but it means challenging yourself to let go of this idea that you have the power to sway her, and this, one way or another. 

Because that? It's a very dangerous way to view people, and connections to people. You're slipping in some language here—"I could still be working her"—that is not the language of stable, loving romances, or even kind human connection. Now, that's okay—you are in the fire—but see it and acknowledge it, so it's not steering your wheel. 30 days. Commit to it. 

I feel for you, friend. I'm reliving some moments in my own past here, and can recall the pain. There is another side to it—there always is—and who you are on that other side, whatever the circumstances, be it back together or not? Your choices right now shape that. Think on that a bit, asking less about what you can do to get her to feel x, y, or z, but the question that is always most important: Who do you want to be? What version of yourself do you want someone to be with? 

 

 

30 days. She will be moving her stuff out in 30 days. Should I then tell her what I’ve learned about myself? If I’m ok with not having her? If I’m back to being somewhat happy? What if I still see it as my mistakes led to this? I have no idea. I feel like there is so much history, most good, but I’ve been responsible for not showing her how committed to the future I really am. I’ve have one other 5 year relationship that ended similarly, but I had major doubts in that one. This one, if feels she is “the one that got away” and I may feel like that for the rest of my life.

[tjs]

42 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You show her what you've learned by giving her space.  You've learned nothing that is relevant to being with this person.  By this I mean sure you might have had a number of revelations, of aha moments - but all this happened very recently and in reaction to her moving out.  Will the learning translate into actions that make you compatible with her in a romantic relationship and her compatible with you? Yes if the following happens - if you are apart for at least a number of months with no contact.  If she misses you a lot and realizes that she wants to be with you.  Because what you've "learned" doesn't change who you are.  It might change how you react or how you behave in certain situations but for all you know she won't find that attractive in the least or she will want something different. 

 

But if several months from now she reaches out to you and tells you she wants another chance, tells you exactly why - concrete reasons why - reasons that are more than "I miss you" or "I love you"- then perhaps you can meet up and put into practice your new found relationship skills.  And perhaps those skills will improve the way you relate.  Or not.  You're engaged in a fantasy of wild speculation "if only she sees how I changed she'll want me back right now so I just have to convince her!!"  Nope.  Doesn't work that way.  

I'm also going to repeat what I wrote many pages above.  Even if you tried again now you'd realize that nothing has changed except this short term missing each other.  And if you broke up again - that would basically guarantee slamming the door forever.  Several months from now perhaps - no do not hold out any hope of what will be several months from now -all I mean is several months from now if all those pieces I wrote above are in place perhaps you two can meet for a date and take it from there. 

I think she loves who I am. It’s just the part where I put effort in the right places that seemed to be lacking. Understanding how to keep advancing and not running in place. I feel like she was pushing to the future, and I was on board, but I didn’t push with the same exuberance because I have not been promoted to full time just yet. Also learning what kind of love she needs along with affirmation consistently is where I’ve failed.

 

i should also say that she never asked for space. I did. She is worried about texting me after I asked for space.

[Batya33]

31 minutes ago, tjs said:

I think she loves who I am. It’s just the part where I put effort in the right places that seemed to be lacking. Understanding how to keep advancing and not running in place. I feel like she was pushing to the future, and I was on board, but I didn’t push with the same exuberance because I have not been promoted to full time just yet. Also learning what kind of love she needs along with affirmation consistently is where I’ve failed.

 

i should also say that she never asked for space. I did. She is worried about texting me after I asked for space.

She doesn't need to ask for space.  Of course she's not going to.  Huge ego boost to get attention from you.  Give her space to miss you whether or not she asked.  She asked very directly by leaving you.  Whether she asks again is irrelevant.  Many people love each other and cannot or choose not to be in an exclusive romantic relationship.  I loved my ex boyfriend who I dated for 7 years on and off very much.  And we weren't right together for marriage.  You're resorting to verbage to word salad to burying yourself in fancy shmancy psychospeak rather than get to basics.  Here they are:  people move towards pleasure and away from pain.  It gives her more pleasure to be out of a relationship with you than to be in one.  For whatever reason under the sun -those reasons might be relevant to her deity, to her therapist, to her BFF.  Irrelevant to you.  Basic truth number two.  People who are single and available and want to be with someone who wants to be with them and are single and available will make it happen so that the two of them are together.  And I'm not talking about fancy shmancy "emotionally available" -simple stuff - available to date the other person -not married, etc.

Know that once you avoid the basics and resort to "same exuberane" and "affirmation consistently" it's because you two aren't right together. Will you be right together in the future?  Who knows? Maybe, maybe not.  So you live your life.  If it's yes then at that future time you will consider it if you both are interested and available.  I now have a 12 year old son with my husband.  I think I mentioned we got back together after almost 8 years apart.  8 years with limited contact.  We weren't right back then together and we were 8 years later.  You know how we knew that?  Because when after three weeks of hanging out platonically he asked me to get back together I was overwhelmed with emotion -including fear!  - and the fear was replaced with/overtaken by -simple, natural rightness.  Guess how long it took me to respond to him? Less than a minute.  Guess how long it took us to talk things over and discuss our future goals, our intentions for getting back together.  About two minutes.  They were exclusivity, long distance dating, goals are marriage and family, I likely would relocate/be the one relocating if we married. 

Sure we discussed the marriage/relocation pieces many times after but because it was right the conversation -while emotional -while tinged with "uh oh will it work this time??" - was basic and straightforward.  Oh you say well you know not all relationships are alike -there's not just one way!  We're different, there are complexities, there's this there's that. 

Of course not all relationships are alike.  But I wrote the general truths above and as far as general truths about relationships - generally it's not that complicated to choose to be together and committed to a future.  Because you're just telling each other you're imperfect human beings but you want to be together and so you'll make it through the rough spots together.   

Generally people who want to be together generally respect and admire each other.  Generally people who want to be together don't need to rely on Love Languages books -they may read those books and see a marriage counselor or a religious counselor or meditate or do yoga together for sure but if they're wanting to be together -their core/foundation is solid.  They are secure that they want to be together and the purpose of the books and counseling is to maintain and strengthen, not to ruminate about how they're going to twist themselves into a pretzel so the other person will want to be with them in the first place.  Huge, important, basic, simple difference.  

[tjs]

31 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

She doesn't need to ask for space.  Of course she's not going to.  Huge ego boost to get attention from you.  Give her space to miss you whether or not she asked.  She asked very directly by leaving you.  Whether she asks again is irrelevant.  Many people love each other and cannot or choose not to be in an exclusive romantic relationship.  I loved my ex boyfriend who I dated for 7 years on and off very much.  And we weren't right together for marriage.  You're resorting to verbage to word salad to burying yourself in fancy shmancy psychospeak rather than get to basics.  Here they are:  people move towards pleasure and away from pain.  It gives her more pleasure to be out of a relationship with you than to be in one.  For whatever reason under the sun -those reasons might be relevant to her deity, to her therapist, to her BFF.  Irrelevant to you.  Basic truth number two.  People who are single and available and want to be with someone who wants to be with them and are single and available will make it happen so that the two of them are together.  And I'm not talking about fancy shmancy "emotionally available" -simple stuff - available to date the other person -not married, etc.

Know that once you avoid the basics and resort to "same exuberane" and "affirmation consistently" it's because you two aren't right together. Will you be right together in the future?  Who knows? Maybe, maybe not.  So you live your life.  If it's yes then at that future time you will consider it if you both are interested and available.  I now have a 12 year old son with my husband.  I think I mentioned we got back together after almost 8 years apart.  8 years with limited contact.  We weren't right back then together and we were 8 years later.  You know how we knew that?  Because when after three weeks of hanging out platonically he asked me to get back together I was overwhelmed with emotion -including fear!  - and the fear was replaced with/overtaken by -simple, natural rightness.  Guess how long it took me to respond to him? Less than a minute.  Guess how long it took us to talk things over and discuss our future goals, our intentions for getting back together.  About two minutes.  They were exclusivity, long distance dating, goals are marriage and family, I likely would relocate/be the one relocating if we married. 

Sure we discussed the marriage/relocation pieces many times after but because it was right the conversation -while emotional -while tinged with "uh oh will it work this time??" - was basic and straightforward.  Oh you say well you know not all relationships are alike -there's not just one way!  We're different, there are complexities, there's this there's that. 

Of course not all relationships are alike.  But I wrote the general truths above and as far as general truths about relationships - generally it's not that complicated to choose to be together and committed to a future.  Because you're just telling each other you're imperfect human beings but you want to be together and so you'll make it through the rough spots together.   

Generally people who want to be together generally respect and admire each other.  Generally people who want to be together don't need to rely on Love Languages books -they may read those books and see a marriage counselor or a religious counselor or meditate or do yoga together for sure but if they're wanting to be together -their core/foundation is solid.  They are secure that they want to be together and the purpose of the books and counseling is to maintain and strengthen, not to ruminate about how they're going to twist themselves into a pretzel so the other person will want to be with them in the first place.  Huge, important, basic, simple difference.  

That makes a lot of sense. Why weren’t you right together the first go? Did you two date others? Did you stay in contact? Who left and who came back? Thanks for sharing.

[boltnrun]

You didn't address anything I wrote in my post that you quoted. Are you convinced what she did with that other man (whatever it was) will not bother you one bit? Or are you just so tremendously frantic to "get" her back you'll do anything, ignore anything, put up with anything?

You're wavering between being furious she might have cheated and frantic to figure out some way to convince her to come back to you. It would be a very bad idea to try to make any decisions while in this panicky state of mind.

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, tjs said:

i should also say that she never asked for space. I did. She is worried about texting me after I asked for space.

That's because she isn't emotionally collapsing the way you are, thereby negating the need for space. She doesn't have the same romantic attachment that you do anymore, so it's not as critical for her to have "space" from you. She can handle being friends with you because her desire for more is gone. 

You really need to take space for yourself, though. You're spinning in circles here. 

[Wiseman2]

Be neutral and businesslike when she comes to collect her things. Especially when she comes with her people from for the larger items.

Did she help you with rent, bills, errands, etc ? Will you be able to manage without her contribution, furniture etc.

You mentioned she got promoted and you work part-time. You also mentioned this was one of the issues she cited when ending things.

Relationships end. Especially when you grow apart like this. 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, tjs said:

That makes a lot of sense. Why weren’t you right together the first go? Did you two date others? Did you stay in contact? Who left and who came back? Thanks for sharing.

Because he needed to grow in confidence which he did partly by pursuing his dream career and just personal growth, and I needed to be the right person to find the right person -a person who could be and remain excited and interested in a person who was available to me, who wanted me.  We each had serious relationships in the almost 8 years apart but no engagements or marriages.  We stayed in very limited contact about once a year or so pretty impersonal, met for a quick dinner one time after 6 years I think? Then my dear friend/relative died young of cancer.  He knew about it and got in touch to express his condolences just as I did when his grandmother passed away. 

That was about 8 months before we got back together -we were in touch a little more personally about my relative.  He had a girlfriend then as I later found out and I was serious with someone too.

  I ended our engagement initially, he ended my request a month later or so to get back together.  The wedding was about 7 weeks away when I left. I panicked, I had doubts as to whether we were right together, we lived together for about a month or so back then.  We never lived together again, before marriage.  We came back to each other.  He asked to meet for dinner when he was in town, sparks flew, we met two more times platonically and then he asked to get back together which was music to my ears.  We got engaged 3 years and two months later (with the same ring -he saved it!!) married about 11 weeks after that, became parents about three months after that.  Whirlwind.  Awesome.  The second time was the charm for sure.

[bluecastle]

12 hours ago, tjs said:

Should I then tell her what I’ve learned about myself? If I’m ok with not having her? If I’m back to being somewhat happy? What if I still see it as my mistakes led to this? I have no idea.

Other people have answered this, but since you were responding to my post I'll jump in. 

The part I bolded? That is your friend. That is your truth. You have no idea, right now, about anything, save for the fact that you are hurting. Be right there. I said 30 days just to give you some bracket to commit to, a little forced space so you can start doing that: being where you are, fully. 

What comes next? Once again, you have no idea. Own that, rather than micromanaging and trying to control the future and another human being. There is, literally, nothing more spiritually exhausting than trying to control what can't be controlled. It amplifies the pain of breakups and destroys relationships. The instinct is understandable—it's the natural response to being a species with a gigantic brain in an uncertain world—but you can stand down to it, just like one can opt not to have 5 beers in the middle of a stressful work day, even when doing so sounds kind of sensible, for a split second. 

All this learning you're doing right now? It's awesome stuff, truly. But it is also drugs. It's being in the desert, high on something, and coming up with a way to get to Mars. You don't actually get there until you build the rocket, which takes time, focus, sobriety, humility, patience. Which is to say these lessons won't stick until learn the lesson you are breaking your brain to avoid: the lesson of sitting through this kind of pain. It is that classroom door, sadly, that you need to walk through, and be in for a bit. 

Book suggestion? "When Things Fall Apart," by Pema Chodron. It's short, wise, compassionate, non-prescriptive, and articulates the freedom and growth—and healing—that comes from learning to get intimate with pain rather than trying to avoid it. Opened my eyes a bit, and has been a balm to my heart in moments of turmoil, so I'll share it in the hopes that it can be part of your learning, your healing. 

 

 

[tjs]

9 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You didn't address anything I wrote in my post that you quoted. Are you convinced what she did with that other man (whatever it was) will not bother you one bit? Or are you just so tremendously frantic to "get" her back you'll do anything, ignore anything, put up with anything?

You're wavering between being furious she might have cheated and frantic to figure out some way to convince her to come back to you. It would be a very bad idea to try to make any decisions while in this panicky state of mind.

She said nothing happened. I feel like I should be talking to her because I know there is still something there. If I could, perhaps she would pause and not pursue him anymore? Idk. Feel like she may just think if I don’t want her anymore than she may as well go on to the next.

[boltnrun]

54 minutes ago, tjs said:

She said nothing happened. I feel like I should be talking to her because I know there is still something there. If I could, perhaps she would pause and not pursue him anymore? Idk. Feel like she may just think if I don’t want her anymore than she may as well go on to the next.

But she broke up with you.  That means she expects the both of you to move on.  If there was "still something there" she wouldn't have broken up with you.

You can't control, coerce, convince or talk someone into wanting to be with you.

And remember, you were "talking to her", heck, you were LIVING with her, and she still chose to communicate with that other man.  I don't see how talking to her now would make any difference.  

Again, I get that you're in pain and are frantic to get it to end NOW.  But unfortunately it's what all of us who have been broken up with, who didn't want the relationship to end, had to go through. I remember crying in my car, saying out loud "I WANT HIM BACK!!!".  But I also told myself "Suck it up, you aren't going to feel like this forever".  And I didn't.

Interestingly, a few years later he contacted me wanting to see me.  He was interested in dating me again. And I declined.  I went out with him a couple of times but I found him insufferably boring and tedious to be around.  And this is the man I told anyone who would listen "He's the love of my life!  I will love him FOREVER!!!1111"  Well, he wasn't and I didn't.  But when I was in the throes of all that pain I would never have imagined he would want me back and I'd turn him down.  But that's what happened.  I did not love him anymore and I do not love him anymore.

She's not the right woman for you.  Eventually you'll get there.  But you won't if you insist on trying to find ways to force her to take you back RIGHT NOW or see you RIGHT NOW or spend time with you RIGHT NOW.  You have to decide you don't want to prolong your own pain or intensify it.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, tjs said:

She said nothing happened. I feel like I should be talking to her because I know there is still something there. If I could, perhaps she would pause and not pursue him anymore? Idk. Feel like she may just think if I don’t want her anymore than she may as well go on to the next.

Still something there is not the standard.  The standard is: and this would have to come from her - "I made a huge mistake.  I miss you.  I want to be with you in an exclusive relationship.  I now know why I left, I now know what I need to do to make better choices so that this time it can work.  I can share with you what those things are if you are interested."  

I had "something there" still with many many people I dated short and long term.  It didn't mean I should have pursued something with them after deciding not to date them/be with them anyomre.

[tjs]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Still something there is not the standard.  The standard is: and this would have to come from her - "I made a huge mistake.  I miss you.  I want to be with you in an exclusive relationship.  I now know why I left, I now know what I need to do to make better choices so that this time it can work.  I can share with you what those things are if you are interested."  

I had "something there" still with many many people I dated short and long term.  It didn't mean I should have pursued something with them after deciding not to date them/be with them anyomre.

I feel really weak right now. It feel like talking to her could calm the pain. She was so worried about if I would be ok. I told her I would be but I realize now I’m not.

[tjs]

Also felt like she felt worried about getting ahold of me after I last talked to her, and that all she could think about was the call from the night before, coupled with me unfollowing her, she was confused. I can’t help but feel like I haven’t exhausted all options.

[boltnrun]

Just now, tjs said:

Also felt like she felt worried about getting ahold of me after I last talked to her, and that all she could think about was the call from the night before, coupled with me unfollowing her, she was confused. I can’t help but feel like I haven’t exhausted all options.

That's your panic and anxiety talking.  Please read my signature line.

Do something, anything other than reaching out to her.  Reach out to a trusted friend or family member and tell them you're struggling.  People who love you will want to help.

But do not expect the one who inflicted the pain to be the one who will relieve it.

[tjs]

13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

That's your panic and anxiety talking.  Please read my signature line.

Do something, anything other than reaching out to her.  Reach out to a trusted friend or family member and tell them you're struggling.  People who love you will want to help.

But do not expect the one who inflicted the pain to be the one who will relieve it.

Thanks. I just know how indecisive she is. She seemed to be waivering again after I last spoke to her.

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, tjs said:

Thanks. I just know how indecisive she is. She seemed to be waivering again after I last spoke to her.

Everybody thinks something like that.

My ex told me that no one understood him the way I did.  And that he missed me. 

What that DIDN'T mean is "I made a mistake and I want you back".

However, I can see you follow your own course and don't really seem to be asking for advice, so I'll stop offering it.  You'll forge your own path and I'm sure you will deal with whatever the outcome is.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, tjs said:

Thanks. I just know how indecisive she is. She seemed to be waivering again after I last spoke to her.

A lot of dumpees say this, to be fair. It's what they understandably want to be true. 

Browsing around these forums, you'll see that very few come back to confirm that they were right and their ex asked for a second chance - and then stayed back. 

You can't exhaust options for reconciliation that  you don't have. 

[bluecastle]

Do you think, right now, you are thinking straight? Are you, right now, your strongest self? If you think back to the headspace you were in when you started this thread, to where you are now, do you feel like you have done more spiraling than healing? 

Think on that. If the answer to the first two questions is "no," and the latter is "spiraling," or any variation including those, this is the time to stand still and not react. You know this, I think, deep down. That's your strong self, your straight self, trying to make contact. 

For whatever it's worth? I stumbled upon this thread in a similar state, as this is a state I tend to go toward, hard, when my heart gets licked. I so badly wanted someone, anyone to tell me that, if I held the prism at just the right angle, the nuclear bonfire I was stuck in would turn into a meadow and, presto, we'd be back together. 

No dice. Just speaking for myself? I think I knew that, since my day to day actions were no contact, doing healthy things to heal, traveling around, blah blah. But it was very nice to hear—if stinging—and it's my gratitude for those kind, firm strangers that keeps me on this forum. 

I share that to say that, in my case, when the smoke cleared? When I began to reinhabit myself? It was so clear to me that we were not two people meant to reconcile, to the point where it was nearly comical that I once thought that (but, alas, the drugs!). You may, in time, come to a different conclusion about the two of you.

Fine. But the key words there are in time. The history of humanity has proven, many times over, that literally nothing good comes from impulsive choices and reactions made in a state of terror by those who fear time passing. 

 

 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, tjs said:

Thanks. I just know how indecisive she is. She seemed to be waivering again after I last spoke to her.

You want to interact with someone who is indecisive and wavering -about being with you??? I know very indecisive people who never wavered when it came to committing to their spouses or committing to a long term relationship.  Someone can have that habit or even that personality trait and -magically- when they really want something, they go for it.  Are there exceptions? Of course, there always are.  Quit telling yourself you/your relationship/this woman -is the exception -exceptions are exceptions for a reason.  You don't want wavering.  You want someone who knows her mind and heart to say "I am here.  I am here because I want to be with you and only you.  I want to be committed to you with my whole being.  I don't need any convincing to be here with you."  Please don't settle for anything less -relationships are hard enough without a strong core of two people wanting to be in it, together, and no wavering about the core. 

Wavering temporarily after a big argument or because you're cranky or hangry or you know there's a pandemic going on and not enough space -sure - but when that happens it's like a parallel universe - you waver "what the heck did I ever see in this person??" while the stronger side of you is like "ok, I'm just really upset right now because he keeps procrastinating hanging our anniversary gift-painting and I don't know where our next toilet paper is coming from" and I know I'll feel better [tomorrow/in an hour/after I have some chocolate peanut butter cheesecake].   

We all have our moments, we're human.  They're moments.  They don't result in one person ending things, they don't shake you to the core.  The core stays strong.  You two have no strong core right now.  She's indecisive --- about you.  She  is wavering --- about you.  Stay away.

[tjs]

4 hours ago, bluecastle said:

Do you think, right now, you are thinking straight? Are you, right now, your strongest self? If you think back to the headspace you were in when you started this thread, to where you are now, do you feel like you have done more spiraling than healing? 

Think on that. If the answer to the first two questions is "no," and the latter is "spiraling," or any variation including those, this is the time to stand still and not react. You know this, I think, deep down. That's your strong self, your straight self, trying to make contact. 

For whatever it's worth? I stumbled upon this thread in a similar state, as this is a state I tend to go toward, hard, when my heart gets licked. I so badly wanted someone, anyone to tell me that, if I held the prism at just the right angle, the nuclear bonfire I was stuck in would turn into a meadow and, presto, we'd be back together. 

No dice. Just speaking for myself? I think I knew that, since my day to day actions were no contact, doing healthy things to heal, traveling around, blah blah. But it was very nice to hear—if stinging—and it's my gratitude for those kind, firm strangers that keeps me on this forum. 

I share that to say that, in my case, when the smoke cleared? When I began to reinhabit myself? It was so clear to me that we were not two people meant to reconcile, to the point where it was nearly comical that I once thought that (but, alas, the drugs!). You may, in time, come to a different conclusion about the two of you.

Fine. But the key words there are in time. The history of humanity has proven, many times over, that literally nothing good comes from impulsive choices and reactions made in a state of terror by those who fear time passing. 

 

 

Perhaps her fascination with this guy was just an “impulse”. Time will tell. I need to try to relax and start eating more. There is nothing I can do. Day by day. Got to stay focused.

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, tjs said:

Perhaps her fascination with this guy was just an “impulse”. Time will tell. I need to try to relax and start eating more. There is nothing I can do. Day by day. Got to stay focused.

Sure -we all have impulses.  Thing is when we want to be in a committed relationship with someone we choose not to act on those impulses that are inconsistent with being in a committed relationship.  I'm glad you're trying to take this at a reasonable pace and stay focused.

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, tjs said:

Perhaps her fascination with this guy was just an “impulse”. Time will tell. I need to try to relax and start eating more. There is nothing I can do. Day by day. Got to stay focused.

It seems more like the relationship was expiring on it's own and when this guy caught her eye it inspired her to make her move out. She told you she was not happy before she moved out. That she's very busy working, studying etc.