breakup My GF of 5 years moved out

[tjs]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Her family probably know about the new high powered attorney BF. They most likely knew before you did.

Why did they contact you? Are they helping her move her stuff out?

So you got your opinion and feelings out there to "shock" them, but they are her family, not yours.

When will she get all her stuff out?

Have you found another roommate to help with the rent and bills?

Her moms side hasn’t been hearing much from her since this started about a month and a half ago. This is very unusual as they I used to talk everyday. She switched support systems to her dads side. They don’t like that she is staying on dads side. She contacted me because she needs to turn over a truck title that for a vehicle I purchased from her. They were doing all the digging and they were upset in their own. They live me and think it’s inappropriate because of the age gap and they think her stepmom is a terrible ifluence. I told her I don’t want to get involved with any of this because we aren’t together anymore. She can do what she wants. I was adamant about that.

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, tjs said:

She contacted me because she needs to turn over a truck title that for a vehicle I purchased from her. 

Ok, just take care of that and stay out of her parents divorce issues.

[tjs]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, just take care of that and stay out of her parents divorce issues.

That’s the plan.

[Batya33]

No matter what her family says they are going to side with her, support her, every single time - and if you interact with them and gossip about her behind her back it makes it even worse all around especially since you have an ulterior motive.  Yes, if she threatened to harm herself physically or suicide yes you call whoever can help and get her help -just like you would with a stranger. Otherwise stop gossiping about her.  You can say "I hear you but I don't think it's appropriate for me to have this discussion.  Hope you're having good weather!" It doesn't matter if they like her.  She doesn't want to be with you.  It doesn't matter if they are sad about it or think she is making a mistake.  She doesn't want to be with you.

I've had ex's parents contact me - one who was suggesting she wasn't happy about who her son chose to marry -in an email to me - my response focused only on the impersonal/small talk part, I wished her well, I completely ignored the invitation to chat about his choice of a wife.  Not my business. 

My now husband's mom contacted me when we were broken up because I'd made a donation in memory of her mother (after my ex told me his grandmother died, and knew I'd been close with her).  She wrote me a long letter with part of it saying how much she missed me.  I believe I responded (I mean responding to a thank you note for a donation isn't necessary) but I know I didn't get into personal stuff about the relationship.  And guess what - our parents were thrilled when years later we got back together.  I know for sure they wouldn't have been if I'd lowered myself to any sort of gossip or inappropriate conversations with his family after the break up.  In fact, I ran into a couple of his friends over the years, one of whom wanted to keep in touch with me.  I asked him what he thought and he asked me not to.  So I didn't. 

Do the right thing.  The ethical thing.  Especially when it's hard.

[Lambert]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Do the right thing.  The ethical thing.  Especially when it's hard.

This is really important.  I think we all slip up when we're hurting.  I know I've done and said the wrong things in the past to exes, their family, friends, my own family lol... All very cringe worthy but also in the past. 

So its not the end of the world you had a conversation.  Just don't do it anymore. 

Whether you know it or feel it right now,  you're getting through this... you are! ❤

[tjs]

Thanks guys. I’m once again all over the place today. I miss her badly. 

[boltnrun]

Please do not discuss her with her family anymore. Yes, her mother contacted you but I can guarantee she will tell her daughter what you said about her. And she will likely be furious.

I'm not sure why you believe she's so easily influenced by others. Do you not believe she's capable of thinking and deciding for herself? Maybe that's why you're hoping her mother can talk her into coming back to you.

Are you actively doing anything to try to change the way you're feeling? Ruminating and hoping she comes back and trying to devise ways to "get" her back won't help you feel any better. Yes, it's going to hurt for a while. But please be proactive in doing things that will help stop the loop of sadness.

[bluecastle]

17 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Are you actively doing anything to try to change the way you're feeling? Ruminating and hoping she comes back and trying to devise ways to "get" her back won't help you feel any better. Yes, it's going to hurt for a while. But please be proactive in doing things that will help stop the loop of sadness.

I'm also curious about this. 

The pain sucks, I know, and is totally destabilizing. And while we only have the window you supply in these updates, for a good stretch now it seems you are doing a lot to remain destabilized: ruminating, plotting, analyzing social media, and now this exchange with her family. If you look back over your posts, or just look within, I think you'll see that each one of these actions have led you to feel worse, not better. 

That's okay. It's a process. But perhaps this is a good time to acknowledge that doing something else—anything else—might be worth a try? 

Just speaking for myself, there are a number of things in my life that I'm really grateful for that I discovered while looking for a way to feel a bit more stable during moments like the one you're in, or just to dampen the impulse to text someone, analyze a text, and all that. 

[DancingFool]

1 hour ago, tjs said:

Thanks guys. I’m once again all over the place today. I miss her badly. 

OK....so what 5 things will you do for yourself today? Strictly for yourself that do not involve your ex, thinking about your ex, feeling bad about your ex, thinking or reading about relationships or scheming how to get her back. If you nix all of that - what are some things you will do with your time to lift yourself up? Gym? What else?

[boltnrun]

I suggest doing something that requires you to concentrate, like changing the oil or spark plugs on your car, putting together a piece of furniture or cooking something really complicated.  Don't allow your mind to take side trips ("We always rode in this car! She loves this style of bookshelf! She hates scallops!"). Just focus on the task. No reading relationship books or websites geared toward attachment styles or how to get your ex back. Do something for you.

What do you enjoy doing? What activities or hobbies are fun for you? It's ok to allow yourself to have some fun. You've been beat up emotionally long enough. 

[Lambert]

it is really helpful to get involved in something!  I find cleaning and organizing with good music on to be very helpful.  scrub that grout! clean out the fridge. dumping all those expired condiments and just in general purging junk is freeing as heck.

Change some things... move some furniture around... start researching your new furniture.  change all the pictures on the walls.  have a passion? incorporate it into the place. 

whatever! get to it! break ups are periods of potential growth. lean into that.... what do you want to do for yourself? learn something new?  do it! 

 

[reinventmyself]

15 hours ago, tjs said:

deleted.   . . . . . 

 

 

[BrokenStranger]

I actually teared up reading this because its very relatable. My relationship is at the same sort of spot except I'm in the place of your girlfriend. What your doing I'm my humble opinion is correct and I can only hope my boyfriend will do the same if I commit to moving out. Your clearly a genuine person and deserve closure. Keep yourself focused on yourself and hopefully time will give you an certain answer. If not, will heal you.

[tjs]

1 hour ago, BrokenStranger said:

I actually teared up reading this because its very relatable. My relationship is at the same sort of spot except I'm in the place of your girlfriend. What your doing I'm my humble opinion is correct and I can only hope my boyfriend will do the same if I commit to moving out. Your clearly a genuine person and deserve closure. Keep yourself focused on yourself and hopefully time will give you an certain answer. If not, will heal you.

Thank you. What is it that you feel I am doing correctly? I’d like to hear your thoughts and how I should handle it moving forward.

[LotusBlack]

2 hours ago, tjs said:

Thank you. What is it that you feel I am doing correctly? I’d like to hear your thoughts and how I should handle it moving forward.

tjs, you’ve latched onto the one comment that supports your current behaviour and feel that it validates and justifies your refusal to accept your girlfriend’s feelings and let go.

The difference between BrokenStranger and your ex is that they are, in fact, different human beings, as are you and Broken’s ex. Your ex has made it very, very clear that she WANTS to move on from your relationship and has been given many opportunities to talk thing out and work things out with you and she has declined them every time. Broken seems to be saying that s/he wants his/her ex to put some effort into getting them back but isn’t. You have already tried to scheme every possible way, to no avail. Your situations on the surface may seem the same but they are entirely different. Moreover, there have been other commenters who have been where your ex is and received unwanted attention from their exes as you have been giving, and they disliked it a great deal. That is the common theme rather than the one comment you’ve clung on to.

At this point you are completely disrespecting your ex and her right to decide her life. That is not love. You do not love her, you just want what you cannot have. Try to start healing, as you have made zero attempt at that. People won’t be interested in helping you anymore if you refuse to help yourself.

[boltnrun]

Yes, couples have reconciled. But both parties have to want it. No couple will reconcile because one of the parties "got" the other one to change their mind.

As Lotus said (and others as well) you don't seem to believe your ex has a mind of her own. You seem to think she's easily influenced and just follows where others lead her. If that were the case you two would already be back together because she would have been influenced by your efforts. But so far she hasn't been. 

Did everything go relatively smoothly yesterday when she picked up her clothing?  I hope for your sake it did.

[boltnrun]

tjs, I hope you're doing OK.  Please feel free to come back to let us know how you're doing.

[tjs]

Hey guys, she came over Sunday morning to get everything besides furniture. I was watching a movie on the couch. After a bit of packing, she came and sat down across from me to talk. We talked a bit about what we went through in the past month. She noticed I was thinner (lost 20lbs), I told her I had taken the breakup pretty hard for a couple weeks. She said she was eating everything in sight. She said it’s been hard for her too. She said it feels strange moving everything out, I asked her if that’s what she wanted. She paused, then nodded her head, yes.

She asked what my plans were for where I would live. Then I asked her. She said she was looking at apartments downtown where she lives (very close to where the guy lives). We talked about things we have been doing to help ourselves. She said working out, walks, friends, family. I told her I have been working out, and reading a lot about how to be more in touch with emotions, and understanding the dynamic between us and why we had arguments that hurt our relationship. Also how to prevent them from being painful, along with how to work through it. I asked her what it was that went wrong. Was it my drive? My lack of help around the house? The emotional connection? Someone else? The arguing? She said it wasn’t drive, or somebody else (likely a lie). She said the guy just made her see things she wasn’t getting and opened her eyes. I said to watch out for people who say things only to get what they want. She said, “I know, gotta watch out for those people”.  She said that the grind of everyday for the past year and a half had been draining her physically and emotionally, and it built up some resentment. She said she was afraid to communicate this to me because she thought I wouldn’t compromise. I told her I was willing to uproot my life to move closer to her work. She also said that she simply could no longer take anymore of the silent treatment I gave her when we argued.

I didn’t feel like I should push it anymore. She didn’t seem to have much emotion talking to me, except maybe when I was explaining me feelings for her briefly. She came over and we hugged for a minute straight. She finished packing and I helped her with the heavy boxes. She sat down once more and I told her, “so, this is it. Maybe the last time we see each other”. She said, “I wouldn’t say that, I can see us getting together for wings and beer to watch a game”. She also said she would be open to coming by next month to clean the apartment before inspections. We embraced for another minute, then she left. 

The next day she texted me thanking for helping me move, and that she appreciated that and our conversation.

For people who are into zodiac. She is a cancer and I am a Virgo. Been reading a bit on those and they are surprisingly accurate.

As for the other guy, he is 19 years older, and I don’t know if she could see her marrying that, but I know when people jump into another relationship after a long one, they try to speed things up to where they were in the past one. We shall see.

I was still pretty sad and emotional when she came. I’m probably going to take some time to myself now. I may not have gotten the answers I wanted, but did get the answers I needed. I do still love her deeply and believe that things can work out, knowing what I know now. Likely too little too late. They say cancers don’t usually come back, and once it’s over it’s over. I can see us still being friends, but it would take a lot to build that trust back, on both sides. Never say never, but her love is 100% all in. Someone is going to marry her. Hopefully she looks back on our connection with fondness.

[Batya33]

It sounds like it went as well as can be expected.  I'm sorry you're sad!

[Lambert]

Sounds like it went well.  It is sad.  Feelings don't change over night.  Remember she's had more time with this than you have.  It won't always feel like this.  

19 years difference is a big difference but she is on her journey and you are on yours.  Someone is going to marry you, too.  

Side note:  I have a lot of interest in astrology. And you may find it interesting to start looking into your own birth chart.  Couple of things to share about horoscopes:

The sun sign that we all know and use to read our horoscope is not the only sign that influences us.  And a few years ago NASA determined that the way sun signs have been calculated is wrong.  The one we all know is called Tropical and the new is called sidereal.  Some people read about both and then decide which resonates more.  

The whole birth chart is a map of the sky, all the planets, moon and suns' positions in the different houses and signs.  Not just the sun.

On top of determining which you follow Tropical or Sidereal, many astrologers theorize the sun sign, while the most well known, is not the best indicator.  The better indicators are the moon sign and the rising sign or the ascendant (the zodiac sign that is just above the eastern horizon at the time of birth).

But I think the main thing about astrology that makes it interesting to me, is as I learn about these things and look at them from the perspective how the positions of the planets, moon and sun (which are also considered planets in astrology)influences the collective.  It's so much more than I am Libra.  🙂 

Good luck, tjs.  I think you are doing great. 

 

[tjs]

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

Sounds like it went well.  It is sad.  Feelings don't change over night.  Remember she's had more time with this than you have.  It won't always feel like this.  

19 years difference is a big difference but she is on her journey and you are on yours.  Someone is going to marry you, too.  

Side note:  I have a lot of interest in astrology. And you may find it interesting to start looking into your own birth chart.  Couple of things to share about horoscopes:

The sun sign that we all know and use to read our horoscope is not the only sign that influences us.  And a few years ago NASA determined that the way sun signs have been calculated is wrong.  The one we all know is called Tropical and the new is called sidereal.  Some people read about both and then decide which resonates more.  

The whole birth chart is a map of the sky, all the planets, moon and suns' positions in the different houses and signs.  Not just the sun.

On top of determining which you follow Tropical or Sidereal, many astrologers theorize the sun sign, while the most well known, is not the best indicator.  The better indicators are the moon sign and the rising sign or the ascendant (the zodiac sign that is just above the eastern horizon at the time of birth).

But I think the main thing about astrology that makes it interesting to me, is as I learn about these things and look at them from the perspective how the positions of the planets, moon and sun (which are also considered planets in astrology)influences the collective.  It's so much more than I am Libra.  🙂 

Good luck, tjs.  I think you are doing great. 

 

How are so seemingly accurate? I used to think it was bs lol. Kinda creepy.

 

Anyways, time to control my own destiny guys.

[KiwiFriends404]

After reading this thread there's so much of my own situation (a 5 year breakup as well) that I can see in this. The hardest part is knowing "if they wanted to they would." She just, gave up. And the reason really doesn't matter. There is a chance she comes back, there's always that chance and for your sake I hope she does regret it. But by that point I hope you've moved on.

They say "what's meant to be will be" and I only kind of believe that. We aren't all leaves floating in the wind, people need to put effort into things. To realize conflicts and falling in and out of love are normal. That the grass isn't always greener. 

The best advice I received is one I'll also give to you. It's ok to love someone with your whole heart. To think they were truly absolutely your soul mate. But to still know you want to be with someone else. Because as much as you love her, your person just wouldn't do this to you. And that's absolutely fine. There's someone out there who won't ever give you a reason to doubt. At this point if you got back together, you'd always have the doubt lingering.

[Lambert]

2 hours ago, tjs said:

How are so seemingly accurate? I used to think it was bs lol. Kinda creepy.

 

Anyways, time to control my own destiny guys.

🙂 It's very interesting to me.  I think some of it is up to interpretation and influenced by the reader's own perspective. 

 

[tjs]

2 hours ago, Lambert said:

🙂 It's very interesting to me.  I think some of it is up to interpretation and influenced by the reader's own perspective. 

 

It’s just too accurate tho! Lol I looked up signs other than mine, and they didn’t resonate with me at all. Yet I started looking at some of my friends and family’s signs and they were spot on. So weird.

 

As for her, it feels like I am letting go already and building up some resentment for what she did. Also that she gave up on our love when I was serious about changing and had been for a couple weeks. The changes weren’t big, and the “silent treatment” thing would be the hardest but I was committed, and she would’ve needed to be aware of her triggers too. She decided to take a leap of faith with this high status guy IMO. And if you are interested Lambert, he is an Aquarius. Not a good match for a cancer lol. Good thing it was before marriage and children, because I was planning on that. 
 

I’m admittedly not near 100% yet, but I’m beginning to see a path. Am I sick to want her to come crying back just to reject her? I feel like an idiot for swallowing my pride and apologizing, and showing my pain, making her feel as if she was victimized while I allowed her to continually lie to my face without calling her out. I can tell when she’s lying because it’s the only thing that she tries to expand on further, and it’s not even logical. She was trying to tell me what the texts I saw were, when she doesn’t know what texts I even saw. I should’ve just called her out on that bs. Cancers never want to hurt anybody, and I look back and realize she was trying to get me to break up with her all along. Oh well, would’ve felt good, but probably best to keep it inside for now 😉.

[Batya33]

Yes - I would not express any of those feelings to her.  What you're feeling is normal.  You get to choose the reaction.  I would avoid labeling the other guy - just because someone has a successful career does not mean anything about whether the person is a good person or 'high status" in any way that counts.  Just like a guy who likes math is not a "nerd".  It's just indulging in labeling and negativity -and just avoid going down the rabbit hole of analyzing him or his astrological sign or whatever -it perpetuates your being a victim of your own feelings.  He might be a wonderful person whether he is wonderful for her or not.