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KiwiFriends404

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  1. Honestly after reading this, I think your right. I hope we would be able to reconcile in the future so it's a tough pill to swallow he might just be "done"
  2. Hi! I kind of think people are being a bit harsh on this... There's two arguments though right? The worst thing you can do is waste your time with someone who's not interested. I think, best thing to do is to send him a message that you accept the breakup and wish him well. Then go No Contact. You need to give him the chance to actually miss you and be sad about the breakup. Right now he's lost nothing- you're still there while he's free to look around. Flip the script and let him know you're out. From there, you can still have maybe a bit of hope he'll come back but start dating and try to find a serious partner. You'll either 1) meet someone who makes you inevitably forget about him or 2) he'll be so distraught he'll man up. Anyone who says this is "mind games" I also just want to disagree with right away. It's your life, make it the best you can.
  3. Hello all! I had a pretty tough breakup (I wrote a different post about it) and a big part of my healing is trying to understand what went wrong. Through my research into different attachment styles I've recognized that my ex was an avoidant to a tee. Does anyone else have stories/advice on their past with an avoidant or them exiting the relationship very suddenly? It would really help me to feel as if I'm not alone in this experience. If someone is an avoidant it'd be nice to know kind of what goes on in your head as well. My reasoning is now that the dust has settled in the breakup I'm starting to get a bit of a gut feeling he might be trying to come back at some point now that there isn't a pressure for commitment/intimacy between us. I'm still distraught by the situation but want to be emotionally strong enough to say no if/when that ever does happen.
  4. I have pretty severe IBS and I'm honestly confused by this post. I think you are both incompatible (and I'm sorry if that comes off as harsh!) It's never been a factor in any sort of my relationships (friendship or romantic.) She can follow a dietary plan and see a gastro-doctor. But..yeah I mean stuff happens in life if this is how she responds to negatives or stress thats the biggest red flag.
  5. Thanks everyone for your help so far. I know the hope I have right now that he realizes what went wrong and come in to be the knight in shining armor is just that: hope and not my present reality. I guess it's hard to hurt so badly and then think maybe the other person is just fine. Maybe that hope will go away with time? I know nothing I've said is revolutionary for a break-up and he doesn't need any reason to not want to be with me. The abruptness is just tough to swallow. The external world collapsing is tough to swallow. And i guess the hardest part is knowing I wouldn't do this to my enemy, so having someone I trust completely do this is difficult. Reading this stuff helps a lot.
  6. Thats exactly right I am in shock. I really loved this man and saw a full and bright future with him. I'm scared I'll never be as close to anyone as I was with him. I'm horrified at how he could leave me so easily. And I'm absolutely broken about it even though I put on a brave front.
  7. Yeah I agree with this it's just the toughest part...being like well...was it me where did this go wrong? Was it just a fear of commitment? I guess at this point the problem is really with me and having a tough time swallowing the unknowns. And also having the man who I thought was the love of my life walk out.
  8. ok I think I'm going to take a little bit of a different take here. People act irrationally when they're sad. If he really thought he lost you, the love of his life, he probably made some choice he wasn't proud of. He could have had sex with someone in a last attempt to get over you. What REALLY matters is what he's doing now. It doesn't matter what he did when you weren't together (unless he was truly just sleeping with everyone and their neighbor). Is he coming in with commitment? Is he focused on going to therapy? What steps is he putting in place to make sure this doesn't happen again?
  9. After reading this thread there's so much of my own situation (a 5 year breakup as well) that I can see in this. The hardest part is knowing "if they wanted to they would." She just, gave up. And the reason really doesn't matter. There is a chance she comes back, there's always that chance and for your sake I hope she does regret it. But by that point I hope you've moved on. They say "what's meant to be will be" and I only kind of believe that. We aren't all leaves floating in the wind, people need to put effort into things. To realize conflicts and falling in and out of love are normal. That the grass isn't always greener. The best advice I received is one I'll also give to you. It's ok to love someone with your whole heart. To think they were truly absolutely your soul mate. But to still know you want to be with someone else. Because as much as you love her, your person just wouldn't do this to you. And that's absolutely fine. There's someone out there who won't ever give you a reason to doubt. At this point if you got back together, you'd always have the doubt lingering.
  10. I know it's illogical, but in my mind if we actually WERE to end up in the same city we would rekindle this naturally. Wishful thinking, but if you saw how he looked at me even post break up you would want to try everything too. I think what I'm seeking more than anything is closure my brain can wrap itself around. I'm doing no contact for at least 60 days (i think I'm on day 40 something now and it's been fine I've been focusing on myself.) But I've been thinking about maybe sending him a message afterwards. Once we move to separate places it's a sealed door and I don't want the "what if" hanging over my head. I think the only reason I've found it so hard is because the decision I'm about to make could determine if this sparks back up. I'm going to pick the city thats best for me, but I almost want to tell him about it before I know he's going to make his choice. That's maybe the closure I need, that it all could have lined up and now the ball is in his court. Does anyone think this is a good/bad idea or have any idea what I could say? I know the advice might be "forget and move on" but I think this would help me even if the answer from him is no.
  11. The "flip switch" being everything is fine and then he panics. I guess it's because I never saw signs of that during the first 5 years we were dating that I'm so thrown off. But again, covid and him losing his job is by far the most stressful thing I've seen him go through. That's exactly what my mom said as well.. that he could just leave whenever things get tough and that's a bad partner.
  12. I think you should do the 45 day no contact rule. Take it as time that you're going to use for JUST you. Mentally you can tell yourself it's not forever, and at the end of it you'll talk with her again. And no, she isn't going to forget about you. Give her this time to actually SIT in the breakup that ultimately she caused. Let her see what life is like without you. At the end of the 45 days, talk with her again and if you've noticed a lot of growth maybe you can try again. But it sounds like you're caught in a pretty bad cycle. A tip a friend of mine told me as I'm going through my own breakup is to write down each day your in no contact whether or not you actually would want to get back together with this person or not. Then at the end of the 45 days see how consistent you were with that. That should help guide you as to whether or not this was truly worth it.
  13. Yup...that's my biggest fear is that he'll do it again...
  14. One other thing I guess I would add for clarity is that, whenever I did go and visit him the spark was absolutely still there on both sides. He would clearly look very pained and apologetic saying he's sorry he's acting like this now and that he's really struggling. He said he knew he wanted to be alone while he dealt with all this but still did have strong feelings for me. He described it as a push/pull. Then when I would leave he would just look SO sad and get pretty panicky. Then he would stonewall me for a few days after. There's so much about the whole situation that was extremely abnormal. I wasn't trying to make him date me but I did want to slowly work towards it as he was continuing his personal growth. I guess my ideal scenario was we would have talked about moving to the same place and dated then under more normal circumstances. Dating at 25 isn't supposed to be seeing each other every 5 months and wearing masks...it's supposed to be movies and cooking dinner and dancing in bars. We never really got that chance. Idk...Not sure if any of this makes sense.
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