breakup My GF of 5 years moved out

[tjs]

1 minute ago, Rose Mosse said:

Yes, it does take time and you're very down. Just make sure you give yourself enough room to heal and she maintains her distance from you and doesn't bother you with texts. Both of you weren't married and you don't have kids. There is no reason to talk with her again after she takes the bed on the 29th. Is that still happening or did she take everything she needs already?  

Yea she is coming to get it on Saturday. I will be at work.

[Rose Mosse]

That's good that you will be away but how is she getting in? Will someone chaperone? Make sure to get your key back. 

[tjs]

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

That's good that you will be away but how is she getting in? Will someone chaperone? Make sure to get your key back. 

She has a key. There will be no one else here, besides my dog. I believe her dad is coming with her, he has a truck.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, tjs said:

. I’ve heard that most people only meet 1-3 “unicorns” in their life 

You heard wrong. She's not the last woman on earth.

Don't allow this inertia to continue to dog your life.

She left because of your inertia. So will any other "unicorns".

Focus on you. Get a better job. Find more work. Get off the couch. Get in shape. Take some courses. Volunteer.  Improve yourself.

Get to a physician about the ruminating, depression and anxiety. Do something.

Your unicorn theory simply means that you think there is a limited pool of women for you.

Well then, improve yourself and increase the unicorn pool.🦄

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, tjs said:

I’ve heard that most people only meet 1-3 “unicorns” in their life

I have honestly never heard that. 

It is not true in experience, either. 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, tjs said:

Thank you for your insight guys, it’s good stuff. I’m at a point where I am trying to move forward day by day. Still hurts like hell. I haven’t had many relationships. Basically two five year relationships. This one felt like I met someone that I genuinely loved to conversate with and she was my best friend. I’ve heard that most people only meet 1-3 “unicorns” in their life where being around them and conversation is effortless. It’s hard for me to shake the feeling that I got complacent and I may have lost my unicorn. It’s something that I won’t know for a while. For now I am trying to focus on making myself happy being alone. I understand that this may take a very long time.

I'd avoid what you heard about unicorns.  There are all sorts of sayings like that.  If you truly felt you clicked on that level and she was your best friend you wouldn't have acted in a complacent way- and especially if the feeling was mutual you both would have lifted each other out of complacency. 

 

I've felt complacent lately -I'm tired and it's a pandemic reaction most often.  But.  I care enough about my husband and our marriage that at 10:15 during a tornado watch last night when I was worried about all our food (power outage risks) etc and just exhausted, he wanted to talk to me about family tree research he is doing. I wanted to eat my granola and read my chick lit book.  Badly.  But I said sure -I mean he knows I was tired but he was excited about a discovery -and I made myself get the energy up to be there for him and you know it was a great conversation and so interesting.  But if you really care your self-talk kicks in and you make a choice that honors your relationship (putting aside true emergencies as opposed to "tired/stressed about tornadoes/ just want granola then bed").  

So please stop beating yourself up - there was something going on between you two where you were both growing apart/complacent.  It takes two.  

[boltnrun]

There's no such thing as a human unicorn. I'm not sure where you heard that but I can assure you it's not true.

And she wasn't one, but in your current state you want to believe she was because that thought soothes you. But I bet if someone asked you if she was a unicorn a year ago you probably would have looked at them funny and said no, of course not.

She's just a woman. She's the wrong woman for you.

You'll get there.

[Lambert]

12 hours ago, tjs said:

Thank you for your insight guys, it’s good stuff. I’m at a point where I am trying to move forward day by day. Still hurts like hell. I haven’t had many relationships. Basically two five year relationships. This one felt like I met someone that I genuinely loved to conversate with and she was my best friend. I’ve heard that most people only meet 1-3 “unicorns” in their life where being around them and conversation is effortless. It’s hard for me to shake the feeling that I got complacent and I may have lost my unicorn. It’s something that I won’t know for a while. For now I am trying to focus on making myself happy being alone. I understand that this may take a very long time.

Honestly, a lot of your thinking is very limiting. And hence your experiences will be limited. 

Who gives a poop what normal is? 1-3 unicorns per life? Come on. She was great for what it was and life so far...   you may find in time, she was among the worst. 

Stop limiting yourself.  If there are only 1-3 unicorns per person I'm well out of unicorns. lol

 

[Rose Mosse]

11 hours ago, tjs said:

She has a key. There will be no one else here, besides my dog. I believe her dad is coming with her, he has a truck.

I hope it goes well and it's the last of things. One step at a time. 

Thinking of her as someone special is fine but try not to limit yourself. I agree you are still nursing that hurt and pain. It takes time but you will get there, to a place you can feel good again without looking back too much with regret and sadness. You're still right in the middle of it and her moving things out. Once all of this is out of the way and both of you can resume your lives, things may be different.

[tjs]

4 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

I hope it goes well and it's the last of things. One step at a time. 

Thinking of her as someone special is fine but try not to limit yourself. I agree you are still nursing that hurt and pain. It takes time but you will get there, to a place you can feel good again without looking back too much with regret and sadness. You're still right in the middle of it and her moving things out. Once all of this is out of the way and both of you can resume your lives, things may be different.

Different how? It’s basically just her bed, dresser, desk, and dining table. Really nothing has changed. Those things don’t set off reminders. I already have my brain reminding me constantly lol.

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, tjs said:

Different how? It’s basically just her bed, dresser, desk, and dining table. Really nothing has changed. Those things don’t set off reminders. I already have my brain reminding me constantly lol.

You may not think so, but changing your physical surroundings does affect your mindset.

[DancingFool]

22 minutes ago, tjs said:

Different how? It’s basically just her bed, dresser, desk, and dining table. Really nothing has changed. Those things don’t set off reminders. I already have my brain reminding me constantly lol.

Different as in final. No more loose ends. Fully moved out and done.

The beginning of real NC because nothing more to tie you or talk about. No excuses.

That said, please stop reading relationship psychobable. It's hurting you more than helping. The whole "should be her rock" is just so cringy. Ditto for the unicorn nonsense. All that stuff is doing is turning your mind down weird negative paths that will limit you for a long time. Get your head out of that blender. 

Not saying that you shouldn't think about what you could have done better, but you need to calm down before you can look and think clearly about that stuff and right now you are far away from that.

[tjs]

After she gets her stuff out, part of me just wants to tell her how f’n dumb I must be to ask her to come back after she cheated on me and doesn’t even care or show any regret at all.

 

maybe I can get my balls back after getting that off my chest

[Rose Mosse]

You're not dumb. You are in shock and going through a break up. Use that angst some place else. Take up a hobby you've always wanted to try or take up more shifts at work, talk with your employer about other opportunities. Everything sucks right now but divert that energy to other places. It won't make sense all at once but things will start to develop into a bigger picture soon. Wherever you can start thinking for yourself in tangible/productive ways.

[Wiseman2]

I want a pet dinosaur🦖 .... That's all I have to say.

[boltnrun]

32 minutes ago, tjs said:

After she gets her stuff out, part of me just wants to tell her how f’n dumb I must be to ask her to come back after she cheated on me and doesn’t even care or show any regret at all.

 

maybe I can get my balls back after getting that off my chest

No...you tried something similar to that already and it didn't make you feel any better. You already know she's not going to acknowledge anything.

Only you can do things to help yourself feel better. Looking to her in any capacity to make you feel better is counterintuitive.

[tjs]

Turns out she isn’t getting her stuff until around 2. I might actually run into them if they don’t move quick. Wonder if her dad knows about her new boyfriend...

 

(kidding)

[gamon]

You don't have to run into them and you know this.

Find somewhere else to go and ask her to text you when they've gone.

[MissCanuck]

40 minutes ago, tjs said:

Turns out she isn’t getting her stuff until around 2. I might actually run into them if they don’t move quick. 

You can easily avoid this if you really want to. Just don't go home until she lets you know she's gone. 

And I think you should. You're (understandably) not at all ready to watch her leave for good 

[tjs]

Yea I told her to text me when she’s done and leave the key in the grill.

im so angry today. She blew me off for a coworker after 2 weeks of seduction. She tried to hide it, but I found out. That pretty much guarantees that I can never trust her again, more so because of where she works. Her backup plan blew up. She’ll be back, but I won’t be.

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, tjs said:

Turns out she isn’t getting her stuff until around 2. I might actually run into them if they don’t move quick. Wonder if her dad knows about her new boyfriend..

Make sure you keep it businesslike. Of course her people know why she moved out. 

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, tjs said:

That pretty much guarantees that I can never trust her again, more so because of where she works. Her backup plan blew up. She’ll be back, but I won’t be.

 I am not getting the impression that this is going to happen, OP. 

 

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, tjs said:

Yea I told her to text me when she’s done and leave the key in the grill.

im so angry today. She blew me off for a coworker after 2 weeks of seduction. She tried to hide it, but I found out. That pretty much guarantees that I can never trust her again, more so because of where she works. Her backup plan blew up. She’ll be back, but I won’t be.

Yes, you can put that spin on it.  Here's another scenario. She was unhappy in the relationship whether she knew it or not.  While she was in that state of doubt/limbo she became friendly with a person who then sparked her.  She was in complete control of her choices as to how to interact with him and if he was interested in her too then of course he would flirt back.  She then made the choice to leave the relationship and not just because of him - he was not the reason but illustrated for her what was going on - if she could react in that strong way to another person then she had to consider whether she should remain in a committed relationship with you.  If it wasn't him it could have been "the dream of someone else" (great line in the movie You've Got Mail -she starts interacting online with Tom Hanks - platonic - and her long term boyfriend is attracted to someone at work.  They break up and he asks her if there is someone else -she says no but "the dream of someone else"). 

Two people who are a good match might notice other people, find other people attractive but the foundation of the relationship and the commitment is strong and solid so at most there is a fleeting "hmm he looks like my high school boyfriend who I had a blast dancing with to Madonna" - those were the days! - It's fleeting, it's normal, it's not shared with your partner because there's literally nothing to share. 

By contrast when a person is in limbo, doubtful about the core of the relationship, even seeing photos of her friends in love will shake her to the core and often trigger panic or panic like feelings.  There's no cheating at all in that instance but there is the desire to see what else is out there -a desire that is stronger than the core.  I'm not saying your ex went through this -perhaps she simply woke up one day and said to herself "You know what, I'm done.  I am ready to move on" or "You know what, I think I'll get a coffee this morning, then I'll see if Cute Coworker wants to do lunch, and -- hmm he's cute! -- I want to date him.  Maybe it's not right to date him if I'm committed to Boyfriend"

Who knows, who cares, because the bottom line is she is done for whatever reason.  No I don't think she's a wilting flower who was seduced by the prestigious executive.  I really don't.  I doubt you do too.

[tjs]

40 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes, you can put that spin on it.  Here's another scenario. She was unhappy in the relationship whether she knew it or not.  While she was in that state of doubt/limbo she became friendly with a person who then sparked her.  She was in complete control of her choices as to how to interact with him and if he was interested in her too then of course he would flirt back.  She then made the choice to leave the relationship and not just because of him - he was not the reason but illustrated for her what was going on - if she could react in that strong way to another person then she had to consider whether she should remain in a committed relationship with you.  If it wasn't him it could have been "the dream of someone else" (great line in the movie You've Got Mail -she starts interacting online with Tom Hanks - platonic - and her long term boyfriend is attracted to someone at work.  They break up and he asks her if there is someone else -she says no but "the dream of someone else"). 

Two people who are a good match might notice other people, find other people attractive but the foundation of the relationship and the commitment is strong and solid so at most there is a fleeting "hmm he looks like my high school boyfriend who I had a blast dancing with to Madonna" - those were the days! - It's fleeting, it's normal, it's not shared with your partner because there's literally nothing to share. 

By contrast when a person is in limbo, doubtful about the core of the relationship, even seeing photos of her friends in love will shake her to the core and often trigger panic or panic like feelings.  There's no cheating at all in that instance but there is the desire to see what else is out there -a desire that is stronger than the core.  I'm not saying your ex went through this -perhaps she simply woke up one day and said to herself "You know what, I'm done.  I am ready to move on" or "You know what, I think I'll get a coffee this morning, then I'll see if Cute Coworker wants to do lunch, and -- hmm he's cute! -- I want to date him.  Maybe it's not right to date him if I'm committed to Boyfriend"

Who knows, who cares, because the bottom line is she is done for whatever reason.  No I don't think she's a wilting flower who was seduced by the prestigious executive.  I really don't.  I doubt you do too.

A wilting flower? What does that mean?

[tjs]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

 I am not getting the impression that this is going to happen, OP. 

 

Hmm, she seemed very indecisive at first. When I pull away, she contacts me. Why do you think this?