breakup My GF of 5 years moved out

[DancingFool]

1 minute ago, tjs said:

Does she go through these too?

Not quite. Keep in mind that nobody leaves a 5 year relationship on a whim even if it seems that way to you. More accurately reality is that whoever ends the relationship has been thinking about it for a long long time. They've weighed the pros and cons, they've grieved the end long before they finally pulled that trigger.

What the dumper does go through is doubt - did I make the right decision? What if that was the wrong choice? Maybe the grass isn't greener.... They like to hold on to you as a safety  net until they are certain that it was the right decision for them.

This is why she threw some tantrums at you being cold and why we keep advising you to drop contact and back off.

She HAS to experience life without you completely because that's the only way for her to really learn if what she did is right or wrong. It's counterintuitive, but that's how things work. For her to think more clearly, she has to experience life without you in it. Ditto for you - to think clearly, for emotions to subside, you have to cut all contact and give yourself a chance to heal and calm down. 

Funny thing about break ups is that some time down the road you'll look back and wonder why you were so riled up because you'll realize that life goes on and she wasn't actually worth it.

[reinventmyself]

17 minutes ago, tjs said:

Does she go through these too?

I hesitate to answer that.   Having had a few breakups under my belt, one of the most important lessons I learned is to redirect my focus whenever i was trying to get inside of his head.   By doing that, you are attempting to stay attached and it prolongs the healing.

Catch yourself when you do this and tell yourself that energy  you spend trying to crystal ball stuff is better spent on yourself.

The reality is you two are no longer attached or a team.  What she is experiencing is no longer your concern.

[DancingFool]

1 hour ago, tjs said:

Thanks for giving me a thoughtful response. I feel like being true to myself is something I need to do more of. I was so obsessed with getting her back. Learning about attachment styles (she is anxious, I am avoidant) has given me loads of insight into why things failed, and how to work on becoming more secure. Also understanding what the triggers are and what she feels.
 

 

5 minutes ago, tjs said:

I’ve been reading a book called Hold Me Tight by sue Johnson. It’s about our attachment dynamic. I’m thinking about giving it to her to read. It has really help me understand my feelings and hers. Perhaps it could help her understand both sides too. Don’t want it to come off as an attempt by me to get her back, although it does talk about how to work through it, rather to help navigate the feelings she had in our relationship and moving forward.

 

Yes she is so anxious that she dumped you and you are sooo avoidant that you are obsessing about how to hang on and get her back. Dude....you really need to put down the psychobabble books and stop diagnosing her or yourself. You are pretty far off in your "diagnosis".

Also, there is literally NOTHING more insulting than an ex giving you a book to read on relationships as if you are some idiot who can't figure out her own mind and decision to end things. Please don't patronize her like that....at least not if you want to leave some semblance of a possibility of reconciling at some point.

STOP. Again just STOP.

This anticipation of her coming over is really becoming a bigger monster than it needs to be. Get a grip, be civil, and just go with the flow. Do not confront, do not ambush with teary discussions and pleadings, do not give her books to read, just don't.

Basically.....if you cannot be civil and neutral....then just don't even be there. 

 

 

[tjs]

18 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Not quite. Keep in mind that nobody leaves a 5 year relationship on a whim even if it seems that way to you. More accurately reality is that whoever ends the relationship has been thinking about it for a long long time. They've weighed the pros and cons, they've grieved the end long before they finally pulled that trigger.

What the dumper does go through is doubt - did I make the right decision? What if that was the wrong choice? Maybe the grass isn't greener.... They like to hold on to you as a safety  net until they are certain that it was the right decision for them.

This is why she threw some tantrums at you being cold and why we keep advising you to drop contact and back off.

She HAS to experience life without you completely because that's the only way for her to really learn if what she did is right or wrong. It's counterintuitive, but that's how things work. For her to think more clearly, she has to experience life without you in it. Ditto for you - to think clearly, for emotions to subside, you have to cut all contact and give yourself a chance to heal and calm down. 

Funny thing about break ups is that some time down the road you'll look back and wonder why you were so riled up because you'll realize that life goes on and she wasn't actually worth it.

At what point does the doubt stop? It feels like she isn’t attached anymore after talking Monday. She probably feels in love with the other guy. She is a love addict so to speak. She filled that love void from leaving me with him and moving in with her dad and stepmom. The void from her divorced father in her childhood is now being filled by living with him for the first time since he left.

[DancingFool]

1 minute ago, tjs said:

At what point does the doubt stop? It feels like she isn’t attached anymore after talking Monday. She probably feels in love with the other guy. She is a love addict so to speak. She filled that love void from leaving me with him and moving in with her dad and stepmom. The void from her divorced father in her childhood is now being filled by living with him for the first time since he left.

It's probably best to avoid telling yourself these kinds of stories. Your ex does have a brain and free will and refusing to accept that isn't healthy for you. She is doing what she wants...and again....she chose to end things because she thought about it long and hard. Unless she is some kind of a sociopath, she did NOT walk away from 5 years with you without thinking long and hard about it and deciding that it's something she wants to do. Might she wobble in that decisions some days? Sure....that's human...but...not something for you to cling to.

YOUR focus needs to shift on healing and moving on yourself and that starts with respecting your ex enough to accept that she made a conscious deliberate choice of her own free will.

[reinventmyself]

14 minutes ago, tjs said:

At what point does the doubt stop? It feels like she isn’t attached anymore after talking Monday. She probably feels in love with the other guy. She is a love addict so to speak. She filled that love void from leaving me with him and moving in with her dad and stepmom. The void from her divorced father in her childhood is now being filled by living with him for the first time since he left.

again . .catch yourself when you are overly focused on getting into her head.  The fact is you don't know and it doesn't change the outcome

[Lambert]

17 minutes ago, tjs said:

At what point does the doubt stop? It feels like she isn’t attached anymore after talking Monday. She probably feels in love with the other guy. She is a love addict so to speak. She filled that love void from leaving me with him and moving in with her dad and stepmom. The void from her divorced father in her childhood is now being filled by living with him for the first time since he 

I think the doubt is all but over for the most part once she ended the relationship.  But I think its like any major decison, at first, once the cat is out of the bag, you'll ask yourself is this right? 

It's true of leaving jobs, cars, houses, everything... but quickly focus goes forward, not back because it was a choice.

It's a relieve to a dumper to come clean. She was burdened before the breakup.  You are now after. 

Also agree about not suggesting a book... its very condescending to offer her advice of any kind... it reeks of bitterness and will confirm to her how out of touch you are with her and her feelings.

 

 

[tjs]

15 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

It's probably best to avoid telling yourself these kinds of stories. Your ex does have a brain and free will and refusing to accept that isn't healthy for you. She is doing what she wants...and again....she chose to end things because she thought about it long and hard. Unless she is some kind of a sociopath, she did NOT walk away from 5 years with you without thinking long and hard about it and deciding that it's something she wants to do. Might she wobble in that decisions some days? Sure....that's human...but...not something for you to cling to.

YOUR focus needs to shift on healing and moving on yourself and that starts with respecting your ex enough to accept that she made a conscious deliberate choice of her own free will.

She may have thought long and hard, but that first week after she wasn’t so sure. ☹️

[tjs]

5 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I think the doubt is all but over for the most part once she ended the relationship.  But I think its like any major decison, at first, once the cat is out of the bag, you'll ask yourself is this right? 

It's true of leaving jobs, cars, houses, everything... but quickly focus goes forward, not back because it was a choice.

It's a relieve to a dumper to come clean. She was burdened before the breakup.  You are now after. 

Also agree about not suggesting a book... its very condescending to offer her advice of any kind... it reeks of bitterness and will confirm to her how out of touch you are with her and her feelings.

 

 

Yea probably won’t do that unless she inquires

[reinventmyself]

48 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Not quite. Keep in mind that nobody leaves a 5 year relationship on a whim even if it seems that way to you. More accurately reality is that whoever ends the relationship has been thinking about it for a long long time. They've weighed the pros and cons, they've grieved the end long before they finally pulled that trigger.

What the dumper does go through is doubt - did I make the right decision? What if that was the wrong choice? Maybe the grass isn't greener.... They like to hold on to you as a safety  net until they are certain that it was the right decision for them.

 

 

She spent a lot of time processing this ending long before you were even aware.  That translates into her detachment being way ahead of yours. 

[tjs]

So I suppose what you guys are saying is since she thought about it for awhile, the chances of reconciliation are 0%

[tjs]

I honestly think she detached this weekend, because she is attached to the new guy now, I believe he took her on a trip and they were intimate. Makes the most sense to me. I saw her location Far East of where she lives.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, tjs said:

I’ve been reading a book called Hold Me Tight by sue Johnson. It’s about our attachment dynamic. I’m thinking about giving it to her to read. It has really help me understand my feelings and hers. Perhaps it could help her understand both sides too. Don’t want it to come off as an attempt by me to get her back, although it does talk about how to work through it, rather to help navigate the feelings she had in our relationship and moving forward.

Please do not give her any books about relationships.  That's completely overbearing coming from you.  And likely worse but at the very least, overbearing.  That's awesome that you find that book interesting and productive.  If I were you I'd spend my time reading your favorite non-self help/non relationship genre whatever that is as opposed to that book.  That would be soooo much more helpful to you in moving on than one of the myriad of self help relationship books out there that you are reading to focus on the past, on a relationship that is over.  certainly once you move past this and are thinking of meeting people and you feel you want to hone your social or communication skills go for it.  I highly recommend Alain de Boton's many books.  But for that reason -not to indulge in ruminating about the past.  Please do not give her anything to read.

[Batya33]

Just now, tjs said:

I honestly think she detached this weekend, because she is attached to the new guy now, I believe he took her on a trip and they were intimate. Makes the most sense to me. I saw her location Far East of where she lives.

She hasn't detached or attached unless she used the velcro from her sneakers on her mouth or some other body part.  She's a person who doesn't want to be with you for whatever reason.  And you're stalking her and torturing yourself.  Maybe she attached to her blankie which I am doing today - well it's officially a "throw" and it's really soft.  She didn't detach this weekend.  She didn't attach.  She simply decided to end her relationship with you.  Want to call that "detaching" or some fancy psychospeak? Go for it - but please don't go down the path of speculating about why she "detached" -the answer is clear - she is not interacting with you because she doesn't want to.  She probably doesn't want to because most people choose not to interact with their ex partners who they just ended things with.  Totally normal. 

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, tjs said:

So I suppose what you guys are saying is since she thought about it for awhile, the chances of reconciliation are 0%

I never say that ever.  I think it is irrelevant.  Because even if there is a chance in the future -the future meaning tomorrow or next month or next Tuesday or St. Patrick's Day or Flag Day - it's irrelevant now.  If in the future as i've written many times she comes to you and says what I wrote above - no exceptions, no waffling, and if you are interested and available then there is a chance you two might get back together.  Like me and my husband did. (Oh and FWIW within about a month or so after we finally ended things I never ever in a zillion years thought we would ever be together again - furthest thing from my mind.  Until it wasn't).

[tjs]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I never say that ever.  I think it is irrelevant.  Because even if there is a chance in the future -the future meaning tomorrow or next month or next Tuesday or St. Patrick's Day or Flag Day - it's irrelevant now.  If in the future as i've written many times she comes to you and says what I wrote above - no exceptions, no waffling, and if you are interested and available then there is a chance you two might get back together.  Like me and my husband did. (Oh and FWIW within about a month or so after we finally ended things I never ever in a zillion years thought we would ever be together again - furthest thing from my mind.  Until it wasn't).

Kind of weird that she still stalks me and my sister

[Batya33]

37 minutes ago, tjs said:

Kind of weird that she still stalks me and my sister

Then block her and ask your sister not to mention her to you.  Lots of things are kind of weird right now.  So? 

[MissCanuck]

If you believe she only "detached" this past weekend, you are in even deeper denial about the decline of your relationship than we realized.

You desperately need to do the final hand-over of belongings so you can stop tormenting yourself.  Her breaking up with you and moving out is your straight answer.

 

[boltnrun]

Please try to stop inventing scenarios in your mind and then getting emotional about them. You have no idea what she did this past weekend. You’re getting upset about something that you have NO IDEA if it even happened!

Please try to stop being your own worst enemy. You don't need that.

And please, don't give her any books or suggest she has some kind of BS "attachment style" or anything else. In fact, I still recommend you stay away while she's there (although I feel you won't be able to resist).

[tjs]

The book idea is off lol

So my ex’s mom called me tonight. She found out about the other guy somehow. I confirmed it and we talked for a bit about her behavior. She is so shocked. Her sisters are also very upset. They feel the need to confront her about what she is doing. Keep in mind that I have nothing to do with this, but I do think a little influence from that side of the family is not a bad thing, just to even things out and give her another perspective. 
 

My ex also texted me tonight a video of my dog from 4 years ago. She said it was when she was allowed on my bed lol. I know it’s nothing, but at least it’s something.

[arjumand]

This is an INCREDIBLY bad idea. The LAST THING any healthy relationship has is family involved. What exactly do you think CONFRONTING her will result in other than her cutting off ALL CONTACT and deciding you are a weak nitwit whose mother needs to fight his battles. 

JUST let it lie. It's over. Move on. 

 

[tjs]

1 hour ago, arjumand said:

This is an INCREDIBLY bad idea. The LAST THING any healthy relationship has is family involved. What exactly do you think CONFRONTING her will result in other than her cutting off ALL CONTACT and deciding you are a weak nitwit whose mother needs to fight his battles. 

JUST let it lie. It's over. Move on. 

 

It’s her mother not mine. Did you not read the part that said I had nothing to do with that? Smh

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, tjs said:

It’s her mother not mine. Did you not read the part that said I had nothing to do with that? Smh

You should not even be discussing this with her mom, so you're wrong that it has nothing to do with you. You participated in this discussion and added fuel to the fire, no?

This woman is an adult, and you all treat her like a wayward teen.

 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, tjs said:

 that side of the family.

Her family probably know about the new high powered attorney BF. They most likely knew before you did.

Why did they contact you? Are they helping her move her stuff out?

So you got your opinion and feelings out there to "shock" them, but they are her family, not yours.

When will she get all her stuff out?

Have you found another roommate to help with the rent and bills?

[Lambert]

The thing is, the more people that go in on her-- tell her she is wrong, the more she will dig in on her decision.  Nothing is worse than when you are trying to do what you decided you need to do, for yourself, but your "loved ones" try to tell you how you feel, how you should feel, etc.

It feels like they think you're an idiot and don't know how to handle your own life.  Which may be the way you guys feel.  Telling her it's a big mistake she will regret means NOTHING.  It's on her.  It's her life and her relationship.  The fact that her family loves you or hates you means nothing.  A relationship is between two people.  It's what they agree to together.  

How old are you guys?    

The very last thing you want to do is push her to the other guy.  Cause he's the one that is agreeing with her, supporting her, etc.  The best thing you can do is call the mom and tell her you want your ex to make her own decisions. 

Her family, your family, you, none of you can influence her.  It will actually blow up and prolong any chance that she will change her mind on her own.  When was the last time you were like, "thanks guys.  Thanks for saving me from myself?"  I willing to bet-- never.  She's no different.