An update on my saga

[Batya33]

If you care about her you care enough to tell her it's not healthy to keep in contact as friends. You can offer now to give her the name of a good therapist or other mental health resources because that will show you care about her health. If she wants your input pass along the information and make your exit.

[DancingFool]

Eh....the words humble brag come to mind here. I rather think that the OP isn't looking for advice and certainly isn't looking to do what's right. I suspect he is trying to show off how big, important, and desirable he is that this woman is practically stalking him.

 

If he had an ounce of kindness, he wouldn't act like this, let alone post about it. "Gee I'm just not convinced that kindness is right" shows a certain lack of empathy for others on the OP's part.

[limichelle]

I second this DancingFool. If he wanted too, he would have blocked her already.

[Jas76]

It's probably what you need to hear, though.

 

You're not handling this situation effectively or maturely. Your approach isn't working.

 

That's a matter of opinion. Things are certainly less dramatic than they were, and there are times I am quite happy with the state of affairs. I think you may be 'splitting' there, as things aren't always that black and white.

 

This poor woman is extremely lonely and isolated. It will really damage her if I just cut all ties.

[Jas76]

So what IS the way to go? You also keep contradicting yourself. You say, "I'm not sure the whole situation is healthy. her behaviour is driving me absolutely bonkers, and is really putting me off relationships altogether. I find it alarming and disturbing, .... all the drama" etc etc. You keep pointing out how bad she is, how she drives you nuts, and on and on and on, yet YOU keep persisting in staying in the situation and no matter what anyone says, you find excuse after excuse as to why you won't let it go and simply end things and move on. It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever WHY YOU keep hanging around after all the "drama" she seems to create in your life. This saga of yours is entirely your own doing. The problem lies with YOU, not her.

 

I agree with Wiseman .... use this time to get help for your own mental issues.

 

Talk about a roasting...

 

As alluded to above, things aren't always that simple, and black and white. You have overlooked all her positive qualities etc.

 

I don't know what Wiseman ha said because he is on my ignore list.

[Jas76]

What do you mean when you say you're "trying" not to have a sexual relationship with her?? You either have sex or you don't, there is no "try".

 

I presume you mean you ARE having sex with her.

 

From what you're saying you are choosing to string this woman along, presumably because you enjoy it. Perhaps you like the idea of having a woman be so into you. It's flattering to your ego.

 

So don't be surprised by her behavior when you're encouraging it.

 

Nope, you presume wrong. There is definitely no sexual activity, and her even mentioning it makes me feel uncomfortable.

 

I don't accept the 2nd last sentence, but thank you for the input.

 

Her behaviour is not normal, as she can't blame me for that. She clearly has mental health problems that relate to a time long before she met me.

[Jas76]

The problem about not mitigating problem people like this is you start getting mixed up in their issues on top of your own personal issues. You already knew she was inappropriate, creepy and imbalanced. From what I'm reading you're suggesting or wanting to be her "friend". How does this work knowing the above?

 

Yes, that's why I said I would rather keep things platonic.

 

I think it is compassion and acceptance. The world would be a better place with more of that.

[Jas76]

Eh....the words humble brag come to mind here. I rather think that the OP isn't looking for advice and certainly isn't looking to do what's right. I suspect he is trying to show off how big, important, and desirable he is that this woman is practically stalking him.

 

If he had an ounce of kindness, he wouldn't act like this, let alone post about it. "Gee I'm just not convinced that kindness is right" shows a certain lack of empathy for others on the OP's part.

 

Gosh, another roasting.

[boltnrun]

Yes, that's why I said I would rather keep things platonic.

 

I think it is compassion and acceptance. The world would be a better place with more of that.

 

Compassion would be making it very clear to her you are not interested in a romantic relationship with her.

 

Do you believe she behaves this way with her other friends?

[Jas76]

Compassion would be making it very clear to her you are not interested in a romantic relationship with her.

 

I think that my drive her to suicide, so I've tried to be as gentle with her as I can. She has already said that if it wasn't for me she would end her days (she used those words).

 

Do you believe she behaves this way with her other friends?

 

She doesn't have any other friends nor family members that she is in touch with. She has fallen out with her mother and two sisters.

[boltnrun]

Ok, got it. You have a kind of a hero thing going on. You are her savior. She can't possibly survive emotionally without you.

 

What did she do before she met you? Obviously she was surviving. So why have you made yourself responsible for her? Does it make you feel good to believe she can't make it without you?

[Seraphim]

Savoir complex makes you avoid yourself and your own problems.

[Jas76]

Ok, got it. You have a kind of a hero thing going on. You are her savior. She can't possibly survive emotionally without you.

 

What did she do before she met you? Obviously she was surviving. So why have you made yourself responsible for her? Does it make you feel good to believe she can't make it without you?

 

I don't think it is appropriate to try and frame all this like it is a massage of my ego or an ego trip. It's a case of compassion and emotional entanglement.

 

Yes, she was surviving, but the quality of her life was very poor. People need human contact and understanding. It also might be the final straw, so to speak, for her if I completely abandon her.

[Jas76]

Savoir complex makes you avoid yourself and your own problems.

 

Possibly, but I'm not avoiding my problems. I am engaging fully with my therapist.

[boltnrun]

That's so dramatic! Final straw, abandon...this is an adult woman who is perfectly capable of dealing with her own issues.

 

You are making a choice to keep her in your life. For whatever reason. It would be disingenuous for you to pretend to be surprised when there's drama.

[Capricorn3]

I am engaging fully with my therapist.

It doesn't seem to be working. Maybe time to try another therapist?

 

As to your "friend". Trust me, she will cope just fine without you around - just like she did before. This seems to be more about you and how it all makes YOU feel. It flatters your ego, makes you feel "important", like some kind of hero. This is not about "compassion and caring". You clearly can't stand all the "drama" you say she causes and if that's the case, most people would move on, yet you CHOOSE to remain in her life. As mentioned before, this is all about you and your own behaviour. It is of your own making. So, don't keep acting so surprised when the drama and your saga continues - it will never end because you don't want it to. You seem to thrive on the drama/saga. That says a lot about you and less about her.

[Jas76]

That's so dramatic! Final straw, abandon...this is an adult woman who is perfectly capable of dealing with her own issues.

 

You are making a choice to keep her in your life. For whatever reason. It would be disingenuous for you to pretend to be surprised when there's drama.

 

I don't think she is fully capable of dealing with her issues. She needs mental health treatment, but she's definitely not getting it.

 

Yes, I'm making a choice out of compassion, and because she has some good qualities. If one looks for perfect, one is going to look forever. Her unreasonable behaviour usually carries a consequence. In this case, she lost money, had to make a 4 hour round trip and probably had an unpleasant birthday.

 

I've also told her how I feel about her tantrums, and I'm sure she has worked out that I ended the romantic side of the relationship because of it. At least I hope she has.

[Jas76]

It doesn't seem to be working. Maybe time to try another therapist?

 

As to your "friend". Trust me, she will cope just fine without you around - just like she did before. This seems to be more about you and how it all makes YOU feel. It flatters your ego, makes you feel "important", like some kind of hero. This is not about "compassion and caring". You clearly can't stand all the "drama" you say she causes and if that's the case, most people would move on, yet you CHOOSE to remain in her life. As mentioned before, this is all about you and your own behaviour. It is of your own making. So, don't keep acting so surprised when the drama and your saga continues - it will never end because you don't want it to. You seem to thrive on the drama/saga. That says a lot about you and less about her.

 

Thanks for the input. I think you're in danger of trying to do a bit of mind reading there though.

[Wiseman2]

It's unclear why you wouldn't help her find a mental health clinic she can afford.

Thanks for the input. I think you're in danger of trying to do a bit of mind reading there though.

[WaywardKiwi]

Hey Jas76,

 

Taking your posts at face value, I would contact your local mental health services and inquire about involuntary hospitalisation procedures in your jurisdiction. If you genuinely believe she is at risk for suicide and she is engaging in the erratic and self destructive behaviour you describe, your compassion and understanding alone are likely insufficient in this case. If she refuses treatment and is detached from reality re. the end of your relationship, then your continued involvement with her is likely exacerbating her mental health issues. It is irresponsible to continue with the status quo when she is clearly in need of help you are unequipped to provide. If you genuinely care about her, and she will not be reasoned with re. mental health, you should seek out professional assistance. It is ultimately the most compassionate and empathetic thing to do.

 

Best of luck,

T

[MissCanuck]

This woman needs the sort of help that you are not in any position to offer, OP.

 

What advice are you actually looking for? Or were you simply seeking an audience for your hero narrative?

[Jas76]

Hey Jas76,

 

Taking your posts at face value, I would contact your local mental health services and inquire about involuntary hospitalisation procedures in your jurisdiction. If you genuinely believe she is at risk for suicide and she is engaging in the erratic and self destructive behaviour you describe, your compassion and understanding alone are likely insufficient in this case. If she refuses treatment and is detached from reality re. the end of your relationship, then your continued involvement with her is likely exacerbating her mental health issues. It is irresponsible to continue with the status quo when she is clearly in need of help you are unequipped to provide. If you genuinely care about her, and she will not be reasoned with re. mental health, you should seek out professional assistance. It is ultimately the most compassionate and empathetic thing to do.

 

Best of luck,

T

 

Hi WaywardKiwi,

 

The only way a person can be legally sectioned in the UK is by complying with the sectioning provisions of the Mental Health Act 1983. There is quiet a procedure involved, and a psychiatrist needs to offer an opinion. Often people don't announce their plans for self-harm, and things are even more precarious now due to COVID-19.

 

I really wish she would get some care and treatment for her impulsive and erratic behaviour, as it is profoundly disturbing. I don't think she will, though, as I think she believes if anyone doesn't approve of her behaviour then that is their problem. I have mentioned to her that CBT may be worth looking at. I think DBT may also be an option too. Unfortunately, no one can compel her to obtain that care and treatment though.

[Jas76]

This woman needs the sort of help that you are not in any position to offer, OP.

 

What advice are you actually looking for? Or were you simply seeking an audience for your hero narrative?

 

I agree with the first sentence.

 

I am very confused as how to handle her, or what to do at times. I don't have a 'hero narrative', and that kind of remark is very judgmental.

[Jas76]

I'm taking a step out of this forum for a while. I'm finding there are too many people passing judgment, acting in a hostile and unpleasant manner.

 

Thanks for all the input.

 

Take care, everyone.

[Long Gone]

I'm taking a step out of this forum for a while. I'm finding there are too many people passing judgment, acting in a hostile and unpleasant manner.

 

Thanks for all the input.

 

Take care, everyone.

 

All the best to you.

I wouldn’t call it hostile. It’s people able to see things who aren’t emotionally involved and are able to give an unbiased view. Often it isn’t what we want to hear sadly.

 

For me, if someone has romantic feelings and the other doesn’t, it’s not fair to keep the friendship going. I was in a similar situation back in my late teens with a girl I fell for who was my best friend. I tried to stick by as the best friend supporting her, even when she use to talk about who she fancied.

 

It was soul destroying.