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WaywardKiwi

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WaywardKiwi last won the day on July 2 2020

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About WaywardKiwi

  • Birthday 03/08/1983

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  1. Hey Coffeman, This seems to be somewhat contradictory. Can you clarify that you indeed used this porn site during your relationship? Thanks, T
  2. Hey Seraphim and all, Thank you so much for all your support and kind words. We have been doing well; supporting each other. My wife is not always the most at ease expressing herself emotionally, but I think she has felt safe to do so. Overall, we are OK. We have a nice dinner planned tonight for Christmas, and a quiet New Year, so just being there and taking it as it comes. Thank you all again and Merry Christmas! T
  3. Hey everyone, Unfortunately, I find myself here again in sad circumstances. Today, my wife is at the clinic having a d&c following miscarriage. This is our second pregnancy; the first was accidental early in our relationship, and though we decided to keep the baby, it turned out to be anembryonic, and so failed. This time we actually started trying for a child, and we had confirmation of an embryo, but they didn't make it, and now at around 10 weeks we are saying goodbye. I feel we are both handling it well and being very supportive of each other. Fortunately, her work has been awesome, and I am already on leave, so we have time to be there. To be honest, I am here just to tell someone. To hear some support and encouragement. I am walking that tightrope of being the rock for her while also showing my vulnerability when appropriate, but as is only human, inside it hurts a lot, most if all seeing her go through this when she wants it so much. I am also feeling guilty, because in honesty, when the first pregnancy failed, i was a little relieved on some level. I have worked hard in the intervening year and a half to get stable and build a life where I am ready, but I feel like I invited some darkness then. If anyone has any advice, from practical advice to deal with the pain, to spiritual guidance on letting go of guilt and grief, to just kind words and encouragement to keep trying, I would welcome them. Thank you, T
  4. Thank you everyone for your input, To clarify, both jobs are here in Japan. Job A is just a company established by a Kiwi (also, I am a Kiwi). The more I think on it, the more Job A seems the better choice. I am looking to stay with whichever job I choose, as my wife and I are settling in the area and looking to start our family soon. I think in the long run, Job A will be smoother and I am encouraged by her success. I will update again with my final decision when I put pen to paper! Thanks, T
  5. Hey everyone, I am currently job-seeking and have two offers. In terms of duties, leave, and possible career progression, I believe both offers to be equivalent. The differences are: Job A Significantly higher salary Long commute (45m)(the salary difference is mor than the additional cost) Larger organisation, hiring because of growth Employer is New Zealander (For context, I live in Japan and have limited Japanese ability. My current and previous employer were Japanese with no major issues, although cultural understandings around work are different) Employer has been a little laissez faire during interview process, for example misspelling my name and delivering offer a few days later than promised. Job B Lower salary Practically no commute (5m by foot) Smaller organisation, hiring due to staff leaving (I believe as they advertised for immediate start) Employer is Japanese, with a non-Japanese running operations Seems to be more professional in approach to hiring, although during callback, the manager did casually swear which is off putting for me during interview process (though I dont have a problem with it in non-professional setting) Job B knows about Job A (but not the details of the offer), but not vice versa. I am leaning toward Job A. I am not interested in leveraging the position. I would welcome any advice based on your collective wisdom and experience. Thanks, T
  6. Definitely, but I imagine screening for porn use would lead to some awkward first date conversations. While I agree that most men would prefer intimate connection and sex with their partner to pornography, there are many that “use” pornography for other reasons (i.e. it doesn't always act as a replacement for sex). As you also note, in modern times pornography is widely accessible and used by many people. Ultimately, if it is a deal breaker, I would just be upfront and honest with your views and expectations. To increase your chances, I would look to date men who belong to either anti-pornography social movements or religious denominations which view pornography as immoral. Of course no guarantees, as it is commonly hidden use, but probably better chancea.
  7. Hey Jas76, Taking your posts at face value, I would contact your local mental health services and inquire about involuntary hospitalisation procedures in your jurisdiction. If you genuinely believe she is at risk for suicide and she is engaging in the erratic and self destructive behaviour you describe, your compassion and understanding alone are likely insufficient in this case. If she refuses treatment and is detached from reality re. the end of your relationship, then your continued involvement with her is likely exacerbating her mental health issues. It is irresponsible to continue with the status quo when she is clearly in need of help you are unequipped to provide. If you genuinely care about her, and she will not be reasoned with re. mental health, you should seek out professional assistance. It is ultimately the most compassionate and empathetic thing to do. Best of luck, T
  8. Hey Silent47XXY, Why do infertile people exist? On biological evolutionary level, I think that infertility in human populations is necessary and desirable for both population management and creating functioning human communities. As a gregarious, socially reliant species (as in we cannot survive individually), it is necessary that some members of our species are biologically inclined toward preservation of social cohesion and maintenance by forgoing individual procreation. If the social structure fails, all human offspring are put at risk, so from a evolutionary perspective, a person who is selected to maintain society over self-procreation could arguably be thought of as more important than one who evolutionary purpose is individual procreation. Furthermore, given the extended juvenile stage of humans (roughly 20% of our life-span, 12-15 years), and the relatively fragility of our species et al, it is necessary and desirably to have individuals ready to act as adoptive or surrogate parents. On a societal level, while we may still on some base level be subject to pure biological imperative, it is intellectually dishonest to ignore the social super-structure we have imposed beyond these animal urges. Fertility is neither the sole, nor the primary, determiner of social status or importance in that society. Financial success, academic ability, physical dominance, popularity, artistic acheivement are all factors we regularly consider when ascribing social value to an individual. On a personal level, I consider a man (or woman) who adopts prima facie more socially desirable and important than one who biologically fathers a child. I hold this belief because adoption demonstrates on its face a conscious commitment to wider social cohesion, generosity (financial and spiritual), and, due to the rigorous vetting adoptive parents undergo in the majority of jurisdictions, a certain level of social success and status. Coming from a childhood where my biological father was sub-optimal as a dad, I can attest that his fertility is not a primary factor for me, his eldest son, in adjudicating his status in my eyes. There is an saying which demonstrates that fertility is not the most important factor in adjudging a man's value; 'Nearly anyone can father a child; only a real man can be a dad'. Finally, I would encourage you to move away from the alpha/beta male dichotomy; it really only applies if you believe in it. In wider society, male social status and worth is far more complex, and constant shifting as we further account for historic white male hegemony and it's impact of other groups. In conclusion, I believe infertility is biologically desirably in a segment of the population and, while it does carry a social stigma, ultimately socially neutral when balanced against other factors. I can't argue against your personal experience, but I would encourage you to assess whether some of the difficulties you have faced originate not from your biological infertility, but your underlying self-image as a inferior man. Good luck, T EDIT: I began writing this before arjumand posted their far more concise and excellent response, which I also agree with.
  9. Hey again, Unfortunately, regardless of her initial position, her subsequent actions still would indicate (again, from my woefully inadequate vantage point) that she has determined that tje relationship is not salvageable. The same applies to the sources of advice; their underlying motivations aside, it appears she values their opinion and has assumed a like position. Furthermore, even if your position is objectively correct (the flaws in the relationship are changeable and transitory, and the support network she relies on is malicious or misguided), then I would imagine that even if she did reinitiate contact or seek reconciliation, there would be significant impediments to success, namely your fundamentally differing views on whether people can change and the quality of her friends, family and professional engagements. These alone are generally large enough inhibitors to a relationship, let a lone one dealing with the spectre of previous dissolutions. T
  10. Hey LordofCircle, Rather than delve into the pragmatic considerations or philosophical discourse raised by most of the replies, both yours and others, I just want to add my two cents with regard to the questions you directly ask. As to her psychology, its nigh impossible to offer any great insight given that I lack any formal qualification or training in that field and all the information is coming through you. However, I would guess that she views those incompatible aspects of you and the relationship as stable and unchangeable. I base this on the fact that she initiated the breakup and chose to go no contact by closing the lines of communication. I imagine this view is reinforced by the advice and insight of others she trusts, namely professional opinion from the psychologist and friendly advice from her friends. I understand you may view the issues as changeable, however that doesn't appear to be her position. This informs my answer to the second part of your question; the likelihood of her resuming contact. I would say it is unlikely, given that she appears to view the relationship as untenable on fundamental grounds, and that this is infact the second termination of the relationship. In addition, your failure to respect the termination by way of unwanted communication, contrary to your intent, has probably only served to reinforce her views, as evidenced by the escalation of the blocked contact. My heart goes out to you, this time is always difficult and confusing. I would encourage you to carefully evaluate the advice given here, as though it may seem reductive at times, it is proffered from experience and anecdotal evidence from members who have viewed literally thousands of like cases on ENA. Good luck, T
  11. Hey Maxy, Firstly, welcome to the forums. To be honest, i can understand why so many have latched onto 'trust issues' from your original post. The way you frame your concerns certainly present that way. However, I think you've probably heard enough of the consensus chorus on that particular front by now, so i wanted to try looking at your issue from another angle: relationship boundaries. Essentially, your issue is that, for you, this particular location, and the associated image and activities it represents, is not somewhere someone in a relationship should want to go. An analogy might be the all too common post found throughout the annuals of these forums, "my boyfriend went to a crazy bachelor party with strippers" or similar. Really, it comes down to a personal view of what is appropriate behaviour in a committed relationship. For you, this is somewhere someone who is commited to building a future with you shouldn't want to go. And honestly, that's a perfectly legitimate position. The problem is, your current girlfriend apparently doesnt share that boundary. Her view seems to be that at this stage of commitment there is no issue with wanting to indulge in partying with the girls. So you are left to decide, is this a hard boundary, or not? If it is, then really your only recourse is to bow out. Not because you are wrong, and not because you don't trust her, but because your view of what is ok in the relationship is incompatible. I would encourage you to reflect on this boundary before you decide how important it is to you, of course. Most glaringly, consider any double standard, for example would you decline an invitation to a friends bachelor party where strippers might be present on the basis that its not something commited men should attend? Furthermore, keep in mind that many peoples boundaries shift over time and with milestones; maybe whats okay now is not okay when you are engaged for example. Of course, cheating is a hard boundary obviously, but if you do indeed trust her implicitly thats not the issue. If this is an issue of principle, rather than trust, you should ensure it sits on solid ground to avoid jitters later if you end it over this. Just a different perspective, i hope it helps and I wish you luck. T
  12. Hey all, I'm a bit late to this, but thought I would briefly add my slightly different, general perspective based on my own experience as a smoker. When I met my fiance (surprise, I got engaged), I was a fully fledged smoker. In those early stages she let me know she didnt like it, but as an ex smoker herself, she knew it was hard to kick. Basically, she subtly let me know it was tolerable for that first stage, but if we went forward the smokes would have to go. I should mention I was one of those aforementioned conscientious smokers who did the whole de-stink routine, so that probably helped. We did move forward, obviously, and I stopped smoking around her, including before seeing her, not because she demanded it, but because I liked her and I knew she didnt. Time progressed, we saw more of each other, and my smoking whittled down to zero, with us moving in together. There is a twist, however. Over the new year, my father visited me here from overseas. He has alwayd smoked, and we had a habit of d&ms over a ciggie. We were travelling a bit together without my fiance and i fell off the wagon. A week or so later, my fiance could smell the smoke on one of my sweatshirts, and i of course confessed. She didnt berate me, but acknowledge that I had done well, and that she appreciated that I didnt smoke around her, nor smelt of ciggies. Her support and understanding only strengthened my resolve to kick them again. I guess the moral, if you can call it that, is that many smokers do kinda want to quit, and we are well aware of the nastier aspects of the addiction. Its perfectly acceptable that it could be a deal breaker, but it could be something worth mentioning in a supportive and understanding way where every other box is checked. Humans have flaws and vices, and the best relationships see those and help us overcome them. Anyway, just my two cents. T
  13. Hey there, Just stumbled across this thread in one of my ENA binges (don't pretend you don't do it too...). While I don't personally have any experience with getting back together with an ex, the comments got me thinking about relationships and break-ups in general. I think we have a tendency to view break-ups as a lost opportunity; as if relationships value only persists while they continue. However, in reality very little in our life is permanent and time alone is poor measure of worth. Friends, partners, even family, can come and go. Even one night in deep conversation with a stranger can be incredibly impactful on our lives. The end of a relationship does not erase its value as far as it was, and holding on or pushing to extend it as often as not clouds our vision of that value. I guess my point is to let go of the sense of loss, the nagging doubts of how you could have held on a little longer, the feverish desire to restart something that has finished. Really, as Batya pointed out, in those rare cases where its comes around again, you don't really get back together, but have a whole new relationship with its own intrinsic value, however long it is. Anyway, maybe its the season making my introspective, maybe its just a desire to contribute here, but thats my 2 cents. Merry Christmas and all the rest, T
  14. Hey 1a1a, I actually had to research what a 'swag' is after reading your post! Finally understand that classic Aussie line 'Once a jolly swagman...'! I understand it is disappointing when a mate lets you down like this, but at least they are doing the right thing offering to replace it. Not much to else add apart from condolences and say, without diminishing, there is a kind of poetic irony reading your signature at the bottom.... T
  15. Hey jprobin, I can really relate to your story here and in your previous post. In fact, my first posts on this forum found me in a not dissimilar scenario. Im not going to go into an analysis of her actions or yours, or what the true nature of this thing is. Instead, my advice is simple; walk away. This tortuous frame of mind, these mental gymnastics, the over analysis of every invitation; you lose something of yourself in them in my experience. When i told my crush that I wasn't ok with being just friends, it was liberating and took back that part of my mind. It hurt, dont get me wrong, and I still returned to those thoughts sometimes, but i felt stronger and more confident because I had made a decision that I deserved what I wanted, and a year later I met a wonderful woman who I am with now. Back yourself. Good luck, T
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