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Hi all,

 

This is an update on what has happened to the relationship discussed here:

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=565191&

 

I have maintained my decision not to have any sexual contact or activity with the lady in question. I also told her that I'm not ready for a serious relationship due to my poor mental health, and the fact that I just can't handle the lows and struggles that a serious relationship brings. I told her that we can continue to love each other (as friends). She cried profusely, and I felt absolutely terrible even though I think it was probably the right decision.

 

It turns out she has been diagnosed with a personality disorder. She claims it was a 'therapist' who made the diagnosis, but I understand that diagnosis is generally made by a psychiatrist.

 

Anyway, it was her birthday yesterday, and we initially planned to meet up. However, on the night before she said things that made me feel uncomfortable. Essentially, she asked if she could watch me doing exercises with my resistance bands, which I'm pretty sure was because it gave her some sexual kick. Previously she has asked me to record a video of myself doing dumbbell exercises at home, which I also thought was a bit creepy.

 

I was anxious and a bit stressed out the whole night, and therefore never slept very well, so asked if we could Skype instead of meeting in person. My facial pain (trigeminal neuralgia) was also problematic, and COVID-19 was also a concern. She refused the Skype invitation, whilst accusing me of being dishonest. I then asked her what she was going to do, and she said she was 'treating herself to a day out'. I asked for more information, but was left wanting. I then went back to bed.

 

Around 5 hours later she messaged me with a photo of my local park (she was sitting near a little lake/pond). She then accused me of being active on Facebook even though I had been asleep for a while (at least an hour or two). It turns out the 'last active' information provided by Messenger is inaccurate and misleading. I never read the messages around the time she sent them as I was fast asleep.

 

I woke up a little while ago only to find this out, together with the fact that she had been outside my apartment (probably looking through the window). She had also left a little note through my letter box to let me know she had been here.

 

Is this normal behaviour? It has made me feel very uncomfortable.

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No, it's not normal. But neither is making up excuses to not date or see her.

 

You will need to tell her once and for all that you are not interested in a relationship with her. She takes your suggestion to "love one another as 'friends'" as she still has a chance, especially if you used those exact words.

 

So now you have painted yourself into a corner. You must tell her clearly that a relationship between the two of you will not happen. She will cry, but she will also survive.

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No, it's not normal. But neither is making up excuses to not date or see her.

 

You will need to tell her once and for all that you are not interested in a relationship with her. She takes your suggestion to "love one another as 'friends'" as she still has a chance, especially if you used those exact words.

 

So now you have painted yourself into a corner. You must tell her clearly that a relationship between the two of you will not happen. She will cry, but she will also survive.

 

I wasn't being dishonest, as those were the issues that were causing difficulties that morning.

 

I tried to let her down as gently as I could, and I still do care about her, and I know how sensitive and emotional she is. I am a bit worried that she is getting a bit carried away, though, as you suggest.

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I wasn't being dishonest, as those were the issues that were causing difficulties that morning.

 

I tried to let her down as gently as I could, and I still do care about her, and I know how sensitive and emotional she is. I am a bit worried that she is getting a bit carried away, though, as you suggest.

 

I meant the excuses you gave her for not wanting a romantic relationship.

 

The problem when you use excuses is she will interpret it as "He wants to be in a relationship with me but can't right now. If I stick around and 'help' him with his issues we will be together."

 

You are going to have to bite the bullet and be honest with her. There is no other way.

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“ Love each other as friends” doesn’t work. It is misleading. Just cut the cord.

 

I hear you, but people can remain friends can't they? Just because you don't want a romantic relationship doesn't mean you necessarily want the person out of your life or that you don't/can't care about them.

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I hear you, but people can remain friends can't they? Just because you don't want a romantic relationship doesn't mean you necessarily want the person out of your life or that you don't/can't care about them.

 

It's starting to sound like maybe you like the attention and want it to continue. Otherwise you wouldn't want to be "friends" with someone who stalks you like she does and creates all kinds of drama.

 

Do you actually find it flattering?

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I meant the excuses you gave her for not wanting a romantic relationship.

 

The problem when you use excuses is she will interpret it as "He wants to be in a relationship with me but can't right now. If I stick around and 'help' him with his issues we will be together."

 

You are going to have to bite the bullet and be honest with her. There is no other way.

 

I see. Yes, this is a very tricky situation. I really care about her, and don't want to cause her immense heartache. There is also a likelihood, albeit in my opinion, that she will never find a successful relationship, or any relationship again, especially when one considers her maladaptive behaviour and her age. On the flip side, her behaviour is driving me absolutely bonkers, and is really putting me off relationships altogether.

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It's starting to sound like maybe you like the attention and want it to continue. Otherwise you wouldn't want to be "friends" with someone who stalks you like she does and creates all kinds of drama.

 

Do you actually find it flattering?

 

Definitely not. I find it alarming and disturbing, as per my previous posts.

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I hear you, but people can remain friends can't they? Just because you don't want a romantic relationship doesn't mean you necessarily want the person out of your life or that you don't/can't care about them.

You can’t remain friends with when someone has romantic feelings. It doesn’t work.

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I see. Yes, this is a very tricky situation. I really care about her, and don't want to cause her immense heartache. There is also a likelihood, albeit in my opinion, that she will never find a successful relationship, or any relationship again, especially when one considers her maladaptive behaviour and her age. On the flip side, her behaviour is driving me absolutely bonkers, and is really putting me off relationships altogether.

 

How is her not finding a relationship your issue to deal with? So you are going to remain attached to her so she will have someone she is romantically involved with? That doesn't make any sense when you claim not to have romantic feelings for her.

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If you care about her like you claim, then be kind and cut the cord.

 

What you are doing right now, trying to hang on to the part that you like which is friendship and contact, is very cruel and selfish - you are literally stringing her along. There is nothing kind or nice about that. Please stop being a jerk and let her go for real. Also, stop making excuses for why you "can't". You can, you are choosing not to, it's just not for the noble reasons you proclaim. Try being a bit more honest with yourself, it will help.

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If you care about her like you claim, then be kind and cut the cord.

 

What you are doing right now, trying to hang on to the part that you like which is friendship and contact, is very cruel and selfish - you are literally stringing her along. There is nothing kind or nice about that. Please stop being a jerk and let her go for real. Also, stop making excuses for why you "can't". You can, you are choosing not to, it's just not for the noble reasons you proclaim. Try being a bit more honest with yourself, it will help.

I second this post.

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How is her not finding a relationship your issue to deal with? So you are going to remain attached to her so she will have someone she is romantically involved with? That doesn't make any sense when you claim not to have romantic feelings for her.

 

It shouldn't be my issue, but I really don't like hurting people, especially people I care about.

 

I am trying to avoid anything sexual with her at all costs, especially after all the drama that ensued (she is still showing absolutely no remorse). I suppose I have one foot in the relationship and one foot out. I'm not sure the whole situation is healthy.

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If you care about her like you claim, then be kind and cut the cord.

 

What you are doing right now, trying to hang on to the part that you like which is friendship and contact, is very cruel and selfish - you are literally stringing her along. There is nothing kind or nice about that. Please stop being a jerk and let her go for real. Also, stop making excuses for why you "can't". You can, you are choosing not to, it's just not for the noble reasons you proclaim. Try being a bit more honest with yourself, it will help.

 

I'm still not convinced blocking her and just ignoring her forever is the way to go.

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I'm still not convinced blocking her and just ignoring her forever is the way to go.

So what IS the way to go? You also keep contradicting yourself. You say, "I'm not sure the whole situation is healthy. her behaviour is driving me absolutely bonkers, and is really putting me off relationships altogether. I find it alarming and disturbing, .... all the drama" etc etc. You keep pointing out how bad she is, how she drives you nuts, and on and on and on, yet YOU keep persisting in staying in the situation and no matter what anyone says, you find excuse after excuse as to why you won't let it go and simply end things and move on. It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever WHY YOU keep hanging around after all the "drama" she seems to create in your life. This saga of yours is entirely your own doing. The problem lies with YOU, not her.

 

I agree with Wiseman .... use this time to get help for your own mental issues.

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What do you mean when you say you're "trying" not to have a sexual relationship with her?? You either have sex or you don't, there is no "try".

 

I presume you mean you ARE having sex with her.

 

From what you're saying you are choosing to string this woman along, presumably because you enjoy it. Perhaps you like the idea of having a woman be so into you. It's flattering to your ego.

 

So don't be surprised by her behavior when you're encouraging it.

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The problem about not mitigating problem people like this is you start getting mixed up in their issues on top of your own personal issues. You already knew she was inappropriate, creepy and imbalanced. From what I'm reading you're suggesting or wanting to be her "friend". How does this work knowing the above?

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