Getting fed up

[Batya33]

Great book I think everyone should read. 'she's just not that into you"

I know. . . way overplayed.

But I read it when it first came out and it kicked my butt. It's an your face, no holds barred, life lessons on dating that you take with you for the rest of your life

No more what if's? It leaves no murkey areas unresolved.

I don't believe there's a person on this planet that cant find a takeaway from having read it.

The biggest message you get from it is - to keep it simple.

Because as we are participating and experiencing is dissecting this is pointless. Keep it simple.

She's not the one. . . Next!

 

Yes, I really liked that book too but felt that I had written it over a decade earlier. Oh well. My publisher likely would have been not that into me had I attempted to write it. I am a huge fan of simplicity -it served me well and let me put my ego aside and move on many times to bigger and better things -even the "it's his loss" wasn't needed.

[reinventmyself]

Yes, I really liked that book too but felt that I had written it over a decade earlier. Oh well. My publisher likely would have been not that into me had I attempted to write it. I am a huge fan of simplicity -it served me well and let me put my ego aside and move on many times to bigger and better things -even the "it's his loss" wasn't needed.

 

Now, this is where I contradict what I said previously and say that even though there is definitely something to *keeping it simple. . the flip side to this is there is always something to be learned about ourselves with each interaction.

It's a delicate balance of both. Knowing when to fold and acknowledging something we might need to work on.

Everyone's journey is different.

[bluecastle]

Now, this is where I contradict what I said previously and say that even though there is definitely something to *keeping it simple. . the flip side to this is there is always something to be learned about ourselves with each interaction.

 

Agreed.

 

And a lot of that learning? I'd say it's about ego management. The title "She's Just Not Into You," after all, is another way of saying "You're Just Too Into You."

 

If I learn that my ego has a tendency to get very attached by texting strangers before I meet, for example, I will then curb that behavior in order to foster more authentic connections with strangers. Ditto if I learn that having sex with a stranger can really torque me if said stranger is fine with remaining just that—a stranger—afterward.

 

Those small adjustments would shrink my ego, thus strengthening and stabilizing it, opening up space for other parts of myself to connect with other parts of strangers in the hope—always rare, always a risk, but so worthwhile—that in time we will become less strange to one another.

[MissCanuck]

She was sending pictures of her kid to you before she’d even met you?

 

Not great judgment on her part. I am sure you are perfectly fine, OP, but I side-eye a parent who is sending photos of her child to an internet stranger. It sounds to me like she’s trying to fill a void somewhere, that she’s used to having a man in her life (someone she’d share her and her child’s day with) and she was trying to slot you in where someone else used to be.

 

It wouldn’t surprise me at all if she’s on the rebound from a more significant relationship.

[teach]

Well thanks for all the replies. Its really interesting what people think.

 

So......I don't think my ego has been hurt by the fact 'she's not that into me'. This is normal, and happens all the time after one date. Now I might sound big headed but I have many many other matches to go speak to and maybe go on a date with. I think my ego may have been hurt by not picking up the signs of her intentions. And it's not nice to believe as some people do that somehow I was lured in...that she was only ever after a one night stand etc. And if that was the case I would like to be better at picking up the signs especially after someone specifically says 'I hate one night stands', 'I don't want to be on my own' and she had been single for 3 years I think she said.

 

So I guess from what people are saying is I completely misread the signs, what was being said and her intentions etc. And this is not good for going forward, if you don't understand things that went wrong, you can't ensure you don't make the same mistakes twice etc.

 

But I'm still really non the wiser.

 

She was clearly into me, told me about her life, sent pictures of her kid, spoke about all the things we had in common....arranged a fun date, she definitely had fun on the date, came back, she initiated sex in the morning, cuddled and held my hand etc (later I discovered she'd actually bought a change of clothes with her - so in my opinion she had clearly enough attraction to think we would have sex - and we did). Continues to text after the date....and then says there wasn't enough spark.

So when did she know there wasn't enough spark? Before the date - it was only ever her intention to come for a one night stand? During the date - but not enough spark didn't prevent her from being attracted enough to come back to mine? - or after the date, when we continued to send funny a flirty text messages?

 

And I'm still non the wiser as to whether spark and attraction mean the same thing in peoples eyes.

 

But thanks all the replies though...people are clearly interested in this sort of thing, I've got a lot of them!

[teach]

Yeah.. and sent me a video after the date of him scoring a goal.

 

So words and actions completely contradictory.

 

But the other way round to usual. I read her actions as completely into me, completely compatible and that she was completely hoping to find someone for a relationship.

However her words say otherwise. 🤷🏻♂️

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately getting drunk and heading back to your place for sex turned her off.

 

Drunk sex usually has issues. Getting drunk on a first meeting is a red flag and deal breaker.

 

You seem concerned with the semantics of spark, attraction, etc. but the issue is getting drunk is a universal turn off.

 

She was trying to be diplomatic and just wash her hands of the whole mess.

We talked no end, got fairly drunk .

We kissed and we did indeed go back to mine. We did have sex.

[Batya33]

Your expectations are not realistic. She met you once in person. She can't be that "into you" meeting once. And, there is only one sign that someone is into you after a first meet -into you for purposes of dating -the person who is into you asks you out or enthusiastically agrees to see you again. The end. No signs. The signs you mention could have showed sexual attraction, interest in flirting with you, interest in hanging out and hooking up - but if you are looking to date, her actions show she is not interested in dating you. Because if she was she would have suggested to go on a real first date or responded enthusiastically to seeing you again (and other than for another drunken sexual encounter)

 

She sent you a photo of her child? I agree that doesn't bode well for her common sense -in addition to getting drunk with and having intercourse with a stranger in his home -especially since she has responsibilities to a child.

[LaHermes]

Fully agree Ms.Canuck.

 

"She was sending pictures of her kid to you before she’d even met you?

Not great judgment on her part. I am sure you are perfectly fine, OP, but I side-eye a parent who is sending photos of her child to an internet stranger. It sounds to me like she’s trying to fill a void somewhere, that she’s used to having a man in her life (someone she’d share her and her child’s day with) and she was trying to slot you in where someone else used to be.

 

It wouldn’t surprise me at all if she’s on the rebound from a more significant relationship."

 

I agree with other posters that it was outlandish to send a photo of her child to a total stranger.

 

Let me see, Teach, if I can put this to you.

 

She didn't mean what she said and she didn't say what she meant.

 

People sometimes (too often) just talk off the top of their heads. And even more so when they drink.

 

Funny flirty messages are quite meaningless.

 

And picking up signs is notoriously difficult online. Only in person and over time can you read "signs".

[bluecastle]

You're looking for wisdom where there's just not a whole lot to be found. It is, to stress, one date. A few hours.

 

Sure, as with a sporting event, we can now roll back the tape, slow it down, and because we know the final outcome we can highlight some missed reads. Someone stressing that they're not into one night stands? Well, that can be a sign of someone who has had a few of them, finds themselves semi-consciously seeking them out, not feeling super great a bit later, is trying to course correct, but is steering the wheel so hard they just go in a circle. (You see this with the younger set, in the form of super hottie photos over bios that read "Hookups swipe left.")

 

And, sure, one can see sending a photo of their child to a stranger as someone with iffy impulse control, porous personal boundaries, and draw a line from that text to the swamp you're wading through now. And, yeah, we can look at your general attitude about dating—fed up with it before even doing it, wanting a relationship without the steps required to build one, and go: it all makes sense! Wisdom! So, moving forward you make some attitude adjustments, find yourself less swayed, even turned off, by early sex talk, by insta intimacy stuff, and so on, leading to more promising outcomes...

 

Thing is? Shake the snow globe and this whole story? With two different people, or one different person, it's the story of the earliest days, of a relationship that lasts for years, maybe forever—a story gramps and grammy tell around the campfire in 2052 with dewy looks on their faces. Same variables, different outcome, because humans are funny and unpredictable, because connection is mysterious, because grammy was feeling the spark, or whatever word we want to use to describe a desire for one more date that led to others.

 

There comes a point where every second you spend rewinding the game footage, and analyzing it, is a second missing out on finding a better teammate. That point is nigh.

[Wiseman2]

Don't get drunk and suggest sex and head back to your place if you want to attract quality women. Cool your jets and suggest a daytime coffee for the first get-to-know-you meet. Don't try to build false rapport and intimacy with all the messaging beforehand.

 

If the first coffee meet goes well, you ask for a date at the end of that. Striving for drunken first meet hookups (liquor is quicker?) approach could get you into trouble and will attract flakes and floozies. Ok so you had an easy "score" with this but? Now what? Start over? If you won't be patient and try a few dates before sex you'll just be prowling not "dating".

[boltnrun]

You're stuck in a loop, asking the same questions over and over and over.

 

You will not find "answers".

 

Seriously...this was ONE date. One. You have spent more time ruminating than you did on the one date!

 

Why can't you seek other women to date? Why does it HAVE to be this woman? Especially one who flat out told you she isn't interested in any more dates with you?

[Batya33]

I would combine Wiseman and Bluecastle's advice for the perfect mix of input and wisdom and common sense.

[Rose Mosse]

My understanding is the OP is wanting answers possibly to avoid the same thing from happening again or to understand where he went wrong. You can't explain everyone and in the deluge and (often) muddy waters of dating and relationships, not everyone should need an explanation anyway (not worth an explanation). I'm reading also that you do need more meaningful connections with someone before intimacy. It's better to be honest about this early on (as in be more honest with yourself) if you're not the kind of guy to let things roll off your back too easily. There's nothing wrong with this and it pays to be more cautious anyway. You don't know who you're inviting into your home and you don't know what you're getting into by going to a stranger's place. Too much alcohol impairs your judgment so this is more of a logical choice or part of being realistic.

 

I think you really liked her and your ego is bruised too - yes, rejection hurts. But it happens and we move on. You can't stop rejection any more than we can't stop the rain from falling or any other natural phenomenon. It's all part and parcel of dating anyway - learning and meeting new people, practicing agency but not seeking to control a situation all the time. Afterall, shouldn't we be seeking individuals who do have a mind of their own and practice their own agency? If she doesn't feel that much spark with you, fine - so be it, nice meeting you, best of luck. If you're able to take the thrill and the rejection as two sides of the same coin while dating this will seem less surprising to you. Don't let all of this allow you to lose faith in yourself either or what you need or are looking for in a relationship.

[boltnrun]

Just because someone you like doesn't like you back doesn't mean you did anything "wrong". It's just the way dating goes sometimes. I think the error here is the OP thinking he could have changed the outcome or that because some of the things she said and did indicated mutual interest that it could have ended up different.

 

I think staying stuck in a ruminating loop isn't helpful because it keeps the focus on the wrong thing. Answers are not always available no matter how much we insist we "need" them.

 

I feel it would be healthier to chalk this situation up to the rigors of dating, accept that she doesn't want to continue dating and move forward. A good woman is out there but she will remain "out there" if the OP chooses to continue to ruminate over this woman.

 

**edited because I wanted to temper my response.

[reinventmyself]

I find it interesting that if the tables were turned and the poster was a woman writing all the exact same scenerio. . .chatting with a man, who sent her pic's of his kid, flirty talk, traveled across town with a change of clothes, stayed the night and initiated morning sex, flirty after talk and a then. .bam. . "Im not that into you"

 

I can pretty much guarantee the responses would be that the guy was a pro. He's played this out a dozen times with the same outcome. We'd be warning the woman to be smarter next time and not fall too fast for the 'woo' of a man.

Just sayin'

But because a woman did this to a man there has to be some mysterious ,complex and maybe even cryptic reasoning behind it.

[DancingFool]

I find it interesting that if the tables were turned and the poster was a woman writing all the exact same scenerio. . .chatting with a man, who sent her pic's of his kid, flirty talk, traveled across town with a change of clothes, stayed the night and initiated morning sex, flirty after talk and a then. .bam. . "Im not that into you"

 

I can pretty much guarantee the responses would be that the guy was a pro. He's played this out a dozen times with the same outcome. We'd be warning the woman to be smarter next time and not fall too fast for the 'woo' of a man.

Just sayin'

But because a woman did this to a man there has to be some mysterious ,complex and maybe even cryptic reasoning behind it.

 

.....ummm quite a few posters have pointed out early in the thread that he got played. Myself included as I actually stated point blank that she is a female player who very much planned on doing what she did and duped him into a one night stand.

 

OP doesn't want to accept that and keeps debating semantics, so that's a different issue. Not really about genders. In fact he is acting exactly like the women after a one and done "but she said this and she did that, so it can't possibly be that I got played."

[Batya33]

I find it interesting that if the tables were turned and the poster was a woman writing all the exact same scenerio. . .chatting with a man, who sent her pic's of his kid, flirty talk, traveled across town with a change of clothes, stayed the night and initiated morning sex, flirty after talk and a then. .bam. . "Im not that into you"

 

I can pretty much guarantee the responses would be that the guy was a pro. He's played this out a dozen times with the same outcome. We'd be warning the woman to be smarter next time and not fall too fast for the 'woo' of a man.

Just sayin'

But because a woman did this to a man there has to be some mysterious ,complex and maybe even cryptic reasoning behind it.

 

I don't think she's a player or that if she were a he it would be player- she showed him who she was, brought clothing, chose to get drunk, never promised to see him again -two adults having consensual sex.

[reinventmyself]

I guess the point I was trying to make is the later part. Trying to find some convulated answer to something that in reality is pretty simple.

If he's trying to avoid it from happening again, the laser focus shouldn't be on decoding her actions, but rather what he might do differently the next time.

[TopicEx]

Yeah if I'm honest she kept her opitions open, you wasn't the only person she was chatting with unfortunately and something better came along in her eyes , you watch if you don't contact her again chances are you will here from her again but then the balls in your court!

 

This is not you my friend its all her .

 

TopicEx

[Batya33]

I guess the point I was trying to make is the later part. Trying to find some convulated answer to something that in reality is pretty simple.

If he's trying to avoid it from happening again, the laser focus shouldn't be on decoding her actions, but rather what he might do differently the next time.

 

Yes and I agree if he is looking to date with potential for a relationship a stranger who sends photos of her child to another stranger, chooses to get drunk and have sex on the first meet likely isn't the best candidate - and moreso because she planned this in advance with the overnight bag, etc.

[teach]

I agree there thanks. If she was only after a ONS then she was pretty expert at getting it, because out of all the women I match with on the dating sites I hardly date any of them. So she knew how to get me going. Whether it was all bull or not I guess I'll never know.

[Wiseman2]

Doesn't it depend on whether you wanted to date her further?

I agree there thanks. If she was only after a ONS then she was pretty expert at getting it, because out of all the women I match with on the dating sites I hardly date any of them. So she knew how to get me going. Whether it was all bull or not I guess I'll never know.

[teach]

Yes....I think this is it! I mean I guess she can date and chat to who she likes. She might want to have said 'not enough spark', just as being polite for, I've met someone with a bit more 'spark'. But yeah, I have a feeling too that in 2 or 3 weeks she may be back as we had a lot in common (unless she was bullting of-course which could be true).

But yeah...I'm gonna carry on dating and think about it if that does arise.

[teach]

Well I at least thought with at least some attraction there and a lot in common and good sex that there would have been a second date. Possibly when we had more deeper conversation rather than just fun. But she's sort of nipped that in the bud. And unless as some people have suggested, that she was actually an expert in getting a ONS or she thinks something else better has come along in the meantime....I think not having a second date is hard to fathom. But hey ho....not the end of the world.