Getting fed up

[Batya33]

But you didn't even have a first date -it was a first meet and you met and got drunk and had sex -so not even really a date anyway. It's not hard to fathom. Many people choose not to go on a first date after a first meet and her actions showed that she didn't have serious intentions or common sense for her and her child's safety.

[teach]

We didn't meet in a bar or at work or a coffee shop or by random chance and we exchanged numbers etc. We met online, chatted for ages and arranged what I would call a date. I guess it's not really important what anyone calls that really.

But here's the thing, I agree she might not have had serious intentions....but she went to an awful lot of trouble to make it sound like she did...when really if she just wanted sex she could easily have said so or been on a dating site for designed to find sex.

The last point about safety etc...well we also had a similar attitude to risk. Some people of-course would say 'oh that's far too risky', but we had similar attitudes to risk, we even spoke about it....I like a calculated risk taker and seemed she did...and I didn't think at the time that what she did was risky...that was part of what I thought was the attraction.

[boltnrun]

"Risk" can be deadly.

 

You come across as intelligent so I presume both of you have had STD and Covid-19 tests, tested negative, used condoms and did not kiss. Because a negative test today does not mean immunity from infection. It just means the day you had your tests the virus was not detected. I'm sure you wouldn't have done anything that could possibly pose a risk to your children.

 

Anyway...like I said before, I would bet money she's done this before. Which is fine, but not too smart during a pandemic. I don't know that you would want to try to build a relationship with a woman who says one thing but does another, particularly with regard to first date sex.

[Batya33]

We didn't meet in a bar or at work or a coffee shop or by random chance and we exchanged numbers etc. We met online, chatted for ages and arranged what I would call a date. I guess it's not really important what anyone calls that really.

But here's the thing, I agree she might not have had serious intentions....but she went to an awful lot of trouble to make it sound like she did...when really if she just wanted sex she could easily have said so or been on a dating site for designed to find sex.

The last point about safety etc...well we also had a similar attitude to risk. Some people of-course would say 'oh that's far too risky', but we had similar attitudes to risk, we even spoke about it....I like a calculated risk taker and seemed she did...and I didn't think at the time that what she did was risky...that was part of what I thought was the attraction.

 

I am not comparing your attitudes about risk -I'm talking about she as a woman and mom meets a stranger and gets drunk and goes to his place and has sex- on top of all of that risk of STDs too -so you are not similarly situated. And you can't get pregnant. By a stranger. Chatting beforehand is irrelevant as far as the stranger part when you go to someone's private home -she took far more of a risk than you.

 

Words she said are not "awful lot of trouble".

 

So if you got serious with this person and shared children together -hers or yours together -you would be ok with her meeting a stranger at the person's house while drunk -I mean even a platonic stranger - and sending that stranger pictures of your children before meeting? How about if she went to that stranger's house while she had a guy there she'd just met? That's ok too? Really? That is the risk she took with her own safety as a mom with responsibility for a young child. You are a stranger for all practical purposes. Common sense -and everything ever written about online dating says that you never go to a stranger's home on the first meet especially if you're drunk. Yes, she was willing to have sex but people change their minds and while drunk she could have claimed she didn't consent because she was too drunk. Or gotten raped since she did not know you in person at all for any safety purposes. There is no caclculated risk there as woman.

 

That's the kind of risks this woman takes and she is a mom. Think about it. I won't even take a sleeping med if I am home alone with my child - years ago I used to take them once in awhile but only if my husband was home -another adult in case our child needed us. Just consider all the risks she took. I'm not saying you shouldn't see her again or a person like that again but if you're thinking about the long term and "risk taking" think about what risks you're willing to take with your own children.

[Wiseman2]

It doesn't sound like she was interested in a ONS, it sounds like after the date she changed her mind about dating. So whatever happened, or didn't happen or was said or not said during the date/sex, changed her mind.

 

Unfortunately there was too much chitchat prior to meeting. One-and-done dates are unfortunately quite common, so limit the chitchat before meeting.

We met online, chatted for ages and arranged what I would call a date. I agree she might not have had serious intentions....but she went to an awful lot of trouble to make it sound like she did.

[teach]

I'm a teacher and she's a children's cancer nurse. But we both had the same attitude to all that...the risk is overrated. I appreciate people have different views and that's fine...but that's where we were both compatible.

[teach]

Yeah....there are risks in everything we do. People have different attitudes and perception to risk. All that could have equally happened on the third, tenth or 50th date. In fact with domestic abuse it happens if people are married for 20 years. But that's why people are compatible with people who share the same attitudes to all that.

[bluecastle]

This is from the fabled Urban Dictionary, defining a human phenomenon referred to as being butthurt: "A display of bruised feelings; usually over something lame." It is very common, particularly in matters of dating. It is, I think, what you are reckoning with, while using a lot of language to sidestep the reckoning.

 

Here's what I want to tell you: This whole experience? It is very, very likely to happen again. Meaning: you are very likely going to meet someone, have some fun texting, have a nice time in 3D, want to see them again, assume they're on the same page—except, alas, they let you know they are not on that page. They will express this in a variety of ways. The word "spark" might get used again. Or "chemistry." Or "compatibility." They will say they realized they're "not ready" to date, or they will offer you an unfortunate avalanche of too-much-information in which you learn about an ex, a weird thing from a few months back, or some such. Or maybe a text message from you ("What a night! Can we do this again on Tuesday?") is just never replied to.

 

For your own perspective, and your own ability to be open to this unfortunate reality and the reality of a genuine connection, I suggest that you figure out your limits. Meaning: figure out what you can do, or cannot do, in order to keep butthurt-dom at bay. Figure out the sort of risks you can take, with grace. Maybe that is just tapping the breaks on the texting. Maybe it is keeping the underwear on. Trial and error, to find your sweet spot so when this moment occurs in the future—because it will, it will, in some form—it is more in line with the experience of being bitten by a mosquito than a snake.

[Wiseman2]

🤣🩳🚀👍🎉🍗🔥🧭🌋☔🌠👇

Maybe it is keeping the underwear on.

[LaHermes]

Love that also Blue. Lol.

 

"Maybe it is keeping the underwear on".

 

Good point made earlier by Wiseman:

 

"Unfortunately there was too much chitchat prior to meeting"

 

I truly believe two people need to be compatible on a far greater variety of aspects than a liking for "risk".

 

For sure, OP, every day involves some risk-taking, although I suppose most don't sky-dive every day. However, you are placing "risk" as the foundation for compatibility. That's an entirely different matter.

[Batya33]

I'm a teacher and she's a children's cancer nurse. But we both had the same attitude to all that...the risk is overrated. I appreciate people have different views and that's fine...but that's where we were both compatible.

 

I get that for you individually. But she is making that choice for her child too with her behavior. What you do for a job is irrelevant to what I wrote. It's interesting -you were willing to take the risk of having sex with someone who you might never see again and trigger all this upset/reactions - but then it happened and now you're somehow backtracking as if this wasn't the risk -as if it was more of a sure thing since she seemed to enjoy having sex with you while she was drunk and one time when she was not drunk. If risks are overrated then just accept you took a risk and it didn't pan out as you would have preferred and move on - she never promised to see you again for one thing. That you're questioning it with your 'risks are overrated" stance is a bit.... inconsistent? You also don't know her well enough to know her actual stance on risks -she said words to that effect or agreed with you but you barely know this person. You just know she was willing to take this particular set of risks -maybe cause she was horny/wanted some sexual thrills.

[reinventmyself]

I've done it several times. Chit chat, exchange pictures. Tons in common, high hopes. But as Blue put it, in the 3 dimensional sense, it's not enough.

It's the real time total of all 4 that you realize this has legs, or not. More often than not, it doesn't add up. No matter how much you want it to.

She might have taken a chance, that the physical intimacy will make up for something that was lacking, but with a moment to collect her thoughts, it just didn't happen

[lostandhurt]

Teach,

 

This thread is way longer than it needed to be.

 

In a nutshell: You are trying to fix something that isn't broken.

 

Sometimes there just isn't a tangible reason for the lack of spark or what ever you want to label it.

 

You have had some good success so think positive and keep trying. The one you seek is out there, you just need to weed through some before you find her. In the end the journey will make finding her all that more sweet.

 

Lost

[teach]

Thanks for the kind message.

 

The one might well be out there but its taking an awful long time to find her if she is.

 

I'm 42 now!! 😂

 

If having someone come back to your place after a really fun date and her initiating sex again in the morning isn't a spark, I really don't know what is!!

 

Maybe I'm missing something. If women go around having sex with someone they don't have a spark or attraction with (still not sure whether they are the same thing or not), then its news to me!

[Batya33]

Thanks for the kind message.

 

The one might well be out there but its taking an awful long time to find her if she is.

 

I'm 42 now!! 😂

 

If having someone come back to your place after a really fun date and her initiating sex again in the morning isn't a spark, I really don't know what is!!

 

Maybe I'm missing something. If women go around having sex with someone they don't have a spark or attraction with (still not sure whether they are the same thing or not), then its news to me!

 

It is a spark -it's a spark of sexual attraction at that moment.

[bluecastle]

Struggling to let this one go, huh?

 

Question: In 42 years have you ever been excited about a woman only to find, after a day, a week, a whatever, that the excitement fizzles? Maybe because of other factors in your life? Other interests, job stress? Or maybe just because what was once a sizzle morphs into a fizzle?

 

If the answer is yes, then you just need to apply that very human experience in your past to this experience.

[teach]

Not after 2 days no. Especially after continuing to text fun, flirty stuff after the date.

It may well fizzle after seeing her again and not realising she was quite as I thought, but that's the purpose of the second date that we didn't have.

 

Tbh, I haven't contacted her again so I've let her go. But yeah...the people I've spoken to face to face about this, including women really can't believe what she sent and think there must be something else to it. I guess no-one likes being lied to or duped. Perhaps that's why I won't let it go.

[Rose Mosse]

I guess no-one likes being lied to or duped.

 

Indeed!

 

My thoughts are that she might have been dating more than one person and someone she liked more became more available or started spending more time with someone else. We can see it as we like but be glad that she didn't keep texting you and she was honest with you instead of blocking you or simply not responding with any explanation. I believe the popular term is 'ghosting'.

[Batya33]

I don't think she lied to you or duped you. She enjoyed having sex with you and has chosen not to go on a real first date with you or have sex again. It's called dating. She never promised to see you again and since she was drunk at least for the night time sex she really wasn't in the right place to make any promises. As you were well aware -you chose to have sex with a drunk stranger. It's fun but there are downsides too if you were actually looking for something potentially long term -risky way to start out. But you said you like taking risks. So accept the downsides.

 

If she'd promised to see you again and made an actual date then stood you up then I would agree she lied in that respect.

[LaHermes]

Could I remark, Teach, that the unhinged, the unstable, and the plain crazy are and also will be among us. There is no explaining how these people operate. In fact, they don't know themselves.

[bluecastle]

Who lied? She was as honest as it gets. I get that you don’t like her truth—that it doesn’t line up with yours—but that’s a different matter.

 

Batya makes a great point about risk, to which I’ll add that this seems like a fine time to recalibrate your own threshold on that front. I ride a motorcycle, for example, which is a risk I’m comfortable with. I can mitigate that, a bit, by watching my speed and not riding in congested traffic. But still: it’s a motorcycle. I will be very sad to get seriously hurt or killed on it, but not surprised.

 

Fun texts, booze, sleepover bag, sex. That is the romantic equivalent of getting on a motorcycle, going fast, through some wild turns on a narrow mountain road heavily trafficked by 18-wheelers. Fun stuff! But there are drawbacks. Some people—with a higher threshold for risk—would be very happy in your shoes. Bummed, a bit. But psyched: shot of adrenaline, no broken bones. That this outcome has you feeling what you’re feeling, I think, is simply life telling you to slow down, stick to four wheels and seatbelt. Plenty fun to be had that way as well, and perhaps a means of transport that will get you closer to the intended destination.

[Batya33]

Who lied? She was as honest as it gets. I get that you don’t like her truth—that it doesn’t line up with yours—but that’s a different matter.

 

Batya makes a great point about risk, to which I’ll add that this seems like a fine time to recalibrate your own threshold on that front. I ride a motorcycle, for example, which is a risk I’m comfortable with. I can mitigate that, a bit, by watching my speed and not riding in congested traffic. But still: it’s a motorcycle. I will be very sad to get seriously hurt or killed on it, but not surprised.

 

Fun texts, booze, sleepover bag, sex. That is the romantic equivalent of getting on a motorcycle, going fast, through some wild turns on a narrow mountain road heavily trafficked by 18-wheelers. Fun stuff! But there are drawbacks. Some people—with a higher threshold for risk—would be very happy in your shoes. Bummed, a bit. But psyched: shot of adrenaline, no broken bones. That this outcome has you feeling what you’re feeling, I think, is simply life telling you to slow down, stick to four wheels and seatbelt. Plenty fun to be had that way as well, and perhaps a means of transport that will get you closer to the intended destination.

 

But he wrote above that he believes in taking all sorts of risks and so does she - because I pointed out what serious risks she took particularly because she is a mom of young kids. He said he wants to take risks and doesn't believe in being risk averse. I accept that is how he feels and how he chooses to live. But then he has to accept the downsides of his all risks are good mindset.

[bluecastle]

But he wrote above that he believes in taking all sorts of risks and so does she - because I pointed out what serious risks she took particularly because she is a mom of young kids. He said he wants to take risks and doesn't believe in being risk averse. I accept that is how he feels and how he chooses to live. But then he has to accept the downsides of his all risks are good mindset.

 

I hear you. Guess I’m saying maybe check that belief system for some holes. Sometimes we believe something about ourselves in the abstract, but then life intercedes and proves that belief more aspirational than actual.

[Batya33]

I hear you. Guess I’m saying maybe check that belief system for some holes. Sometimes we believe something about ourselves in the abstract, but then life intercedes and proves that belief more aspirational than actual.

 

Sure -I asked him about that more than once above. I don't think he's going to be swayed by strangers. There are upsides I suppose to his mindset - he gets extra excitement of the type he seems to like and he doesn't have to evaluate whether this woman has the values he would admire in a partner -it's much simpler -he values that she is a risk taker like him so if it endangers her physical safety or that of her children he doesn't have to concern himself with that analysis.

[teach]

I think Bluecastle makes a great point. You would be hard pushed to find anyone who doesn't take a risk of some sort. Some people smoke, some people drink too much alcohol, some people do drugs, some people eat too many fatty foods, some people drive too fast, some people jump out of airplanes. The list goes on.

 

How many people male and females must hook up with people they don't really know and go back to their place each weekend.....and what percentage of them must come to any harm? The overwhelming majority must enjoy it. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it so wanted to meet up again. She must have enjoyed it to some extent to bother to continue texting. The percentage who come to any harm must be minuscule compared to those who get cancer from smoking, heart disease from eating fatty foods, have a car crash from driving too fast and they have children.

 

It's about putting risk into perspective and like anything in life balancing the risk with the reward. I don't smoke, don't drink drugs, don't particularly drive too fast or jump out of airplanes, I'd like to lose a little weight but I'm not at risk...but yeah occasionally I drink too much and even more occasionally I bring a woman back to my place iI haven't got to know too much! I haven't come to harm from that in my life time and don't know of any of my friends and acquaintances who have.