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In hospital the last few days...reminded of why I didn't want my dad moving in..


cinadan

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I was in the hospital due to a minor injury that required me to be here for a few days.

 

My dad has used this to move in and micromanage everything.

 

When I got out of surgery, the doctor told me I should eat something. Naturally, he said it would be better for me to eat a light meal. The nurse came to my room later on and asked what I wanted. My dad suddenly jumps in and tries to speak over me and says "No, he'll just take a some fruit and a glass of water." At this point I haven't eaten in about 16 hours, and I'm pretty hungry. I have to argue with him to get the meal that I wanted because he insists that fruit is enough.

 

The meal comes and he decides to comment on the food looking too salty and telling me to have only half of it.

 

Later that night, a nurse comes by and asks me if I want any painkillers. He tries to lecture me and tell me that it's really all in my head and that I'm going to get addicted if I take too many. I get the pill. He makes a comment about how I drank water for the pill straight from the bottle as oppose to pouring it into a cup first, and how I could have choked.

 

I need to get up and go to the bathroom. I get the crutches since I'm not allowed to put weight on my foot. Dad decides to follow me into the bathroom. I practically have to shout at him to get out while I do my business.

 

8:15 rolls around and I'm in good enough shape to get some work done. I get my laptop out and he starts questioning why I'm not asleep yet because it's "almost 9PM".

 

He has to comment on every little thing that goes on yet when I asked him to do something simple like help me plug in my phone charger, he fumbled with it for 5 minutes, and acted as if he couldn't figure out what to plug in where.

 

I tried to tell him to go home. My wife wanted to come down and spend the night, but he wouldn't back down. He thinks that he's being helpful but he's really just annoying me at this point.

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Sorry to hear about the injury OP. Hope you will recover very soon.

 

I can only echo what CF said on your other thread:

 

"What's the barrier to helping him move into his own place?"

 

You really do need to get a handle on this situation OP.

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Sorry to hear that. You need some firmer boundaries even if your culture typically cares for thier elders. Focus on ways to finance your own mortgage so you can develop an exit strategy for your father to an appropriate senior community.

 

He's always micromanaged everything. If we go out for a steak dinner and I order my steak medium rare, he'll try to tell me I should get it well done. If I'm working on my computer, he'll tell me the font size is too small and it's too hard to read, or the screen is too dim, or that I'm typing too fast and will "jam up" the computer. If I'm watching TV, I could be clear across on the other side of the room but he'll say I'm sitting too close and it's bad for my eyes. You get the idea.

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I'm trying to find him a studio. I will pay the rent until what he gave me for the mortgage is paid off. The problem is that rents for a decent place are expensive and I'll be shelling out more cash to get him set up. For all the years he lived alone, he never bought any furniture and just used what the previous landlord provided. He didn't even get a kitchen table until 6 years after moving in. Previously, he'd just eat dinner at his desk.

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Yes, rents can be expensive for a reasonably good place, depending where you are. Don't know which continent you are on, but generally rents in capital cities are high.

 

I do see your dilemma, OP, and how annoying that your father didn't have proper furniture which could now be used to furnish a studio for him. Still and all, even if you have to pay his rent for the time being, you will be protecting your sanity! Better for him too, as he will have his independence, he is still active (you remarked that he gets out and about and plays golf).

 

You have, I take it, discussed with him that you are hunting for a studio apartment for him?

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There are so many issues that can be resolved by just talking it out instead of being in a huff and a puff. If you see him in the room next time or when it comes to visit you have to be clear that you're doing fine and need more privacy. Figure out your language and your words because they can hurt another person and hurt upon hurt just does nothing. It's completely useless and creates more issues.

 

Was your dad a single parent? It sounds like he's very lonely and is wanting to get through to you or speak with you but he's doing it in all the ways that appear irritating. Did you have any disabilities or other health issues growing up?

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There's a saying that you can't change others, but you can change how you react to them.

So, given your Dad is the way he is, instead of trying to figure out how to get him to stop, what you are going to do and what are you going to say differently?

 

I personally believe that when someone has undergone surgery, it's one of those times in your life you pretty much get a free pass to say exactly what's on your mind . . . even if the other person doesn't like it.

Here's your perfect opportunity to do something differently, rather than sit passively by and allow your Dad to grind you the way he does.

 

No and stop are complete sentences.

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I'm trying to find him a studio. I will pay the rent until what he gave me for the mortgage is paid off. The problem is that rents for a decent place are expensive and I'll be shelling out more cash to get him set up. For all the years he lived alone, he never bought any furniture and just used what the previous landlord provided. He didn't even get a kitchen table until 6 years after moving in. Previously, he'd just eat dinner at his desk.

 

There are furnished studio apartments for rent.

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I think you should not pay for his place. If he gave you a lump sum towards your mortgage, i would give it back. If he is paying you monthly, suspend payments and ask him to move.

 

BTW, please know he is doing this because he cares about you - especially in light of your mom being gone if she died from something preventable. (he could be overly concerned because of that). Then, if you know that its coming from a place of care, you can have a better conversation about it with him - acknowledging that he does this because he cares, but yet it makes you feel as if he thinks you are a child.

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Bottom line, you need to tell Dad you appreciate his concern, but put your foot down and tell him to go home.

 

He's being overbearing and that's not helpful.

 

I practically had to threaten to call hospital security and have him ejected to get him to back off. Due to COVID the hospital is taking precautions by limiting the number of visitors per day. I was really angry that he used my visitor pass and brought his friend (who I barely knew - the last time I met this guy was over 10 years ago) and thought it was OK, meaning that my wife couldn't come and visit (you get 2 visitor passes per day). Of course part of that is a mistake on the hospital's part, where they should let you put down who can visit you.

 

I think he's always been like this since I was young. I've tried rationally speaking with him, but then he tries to say I'm being ungrateful. I've always suspected that he is not as sharp as he used to be. He simply couldn't pick up on the cue that he didn't need to be right behind the urinal with me in the bathroom, for instance.

 

He's not going to change, so I might as well tell him he needs to move out. Whether or not he will put up a fight is another story.

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Calling security to have him removed is dramatic. You can calmly and respectfully tell him that you are a grown man that he raised you well enough to think for yourself. As much as you appreciate that his remarks come from a place of love and concern, you need to focus on your health and your views are counter to his.

You love him but for the time being it's best he not visit for remainder of your stay. Remind him that you love him and you will see him when you return home. If he insists on still showing up, you have the right to tell the hospital he not be admitted.. It's pretty simple and less dramatic.

He 'll likely debate it, but you calmly respond that this is not debatable. Period. Say no more.

Believe that you have what it takes to be firm, diplomatic and calm about this. Setting boundaries shouldn't be a battle. You state your position and remain consistent. He on the other hand will likely escalate and make a fuss but you don't need to join him.

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Yes. as soon as you are able, do whatever it takes to get him and his stuff out of your life. The antagonistic relationship will only get worse as his cognitive decline marches on. You need to take action and move him out.

 

He may put up a stink but the bottom line is you have every right to get him out. You are risking your and your wife's health and marriage. A one time hissy fit is worth it in the long run. Stop letting guilt run your life.

He's not going to change, so I might as well tell him he needs to move out. Whether or not he will put up a fight is another story.

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My Mum is not this extreme but she's similar. I manage it by not actually allowing her to be present in all my life situations. I live alone and I just visit my parents once a week or once a fortnight. Don't have your father living with you. Does he not have a pension or any life savings? Why do you have to pay for his appointment? Don't have him living with you and minimise him being present in difficult situations. Simply tell him: "Sorry Dad you can't visit me in hospital today because my wife/friend will be visiting me." Don't let him order your food or speak on your behalf. You need to be way firmer and tell him very clearly that you'll be making your own decisions.

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Calling security to have him removed is dramatic. You can calmly and respectfully tell him that you are a grown man that he raised you well enough to think for yourself. As much as you appreciate that his remarks come from a place of love and concern, you need to focus on your health and your views are counter to his.

He literally doesn't get it unless I do something that extreme. I can tell him I don't need him to make my decisions for me and he'll just say "I'm only trying to help out! I wouldn't have interefered if you knew what you were doing! Why can't you just be grateful?"

 

Apparently wanting to eat a sandwich after fasting for 24 hours is "not knowing what I'm doing".

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Why are you getting into this ancient adolescent battle with him? You keep complaining about him but are causing the problems by doing nothing about it except dragging him into your home your life etc.

 

Give his money back and realize this is not a Hallmark father son moment.

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OP.

 

How is the hunt for a studio apartment for your father going? And have you told him outright that he will be going to his new accommodation soon?

 

Action is needed OP. Not complaining. Once you have found (asap) accommodation for him the sooner your life will settle down.

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A friend of mine once told me this when I repeatedly complained about my husband:

"Boltnrun, I love you dearly. But you either divorce that guy or shut up about him because I'm sick of hearing you complain without doing anything about it."

 

Now, we are not sick of hearing about it. Not at all. But you have posted threads about your father and you complain but you haven't mentioned concrete steps you are taking to resolve it.

 

Your father will not change. We cannot "get" others to change or understand or be different than who they are. The only people we have complete control over is ourselves.

 

So...what are you going to DO?

 

If you choose to do nothing I have to presume you are getting something positive out of these interactions and don't truly want it to stop.

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