I lost interest before the 1st date, should I keep my promise and at least go?

[Wiseman2]

Was the text she took too long to respond to the one of you suggesting going out or to firm up the plans? Seems like there is already a mismatch in communication styles. Maybe don't force it and let it go since there was so-so interest to begin with.

I texted her something around 5pm and she didn't get back to me at all until 7am the next morning.

[goddess]

yes, you're right, my conscious thought of trying to be a person with integrity and doing what i say i'm gonna do is what causing me to decide to just go on the date and after that going our separate ways, but after reading a few responses, i believe it is actually better to just be honest with her and cancel rather than go on that date and giving her a false impression of it.

 

I fully agree. And, you show integrity by not going on that date.

[reinventmyself]

Without going back.a d rereading

. . Was a portion of those 14 hours the time she might have been asleep? Could she have been on the phone with someone else and when the call ended too late to respond?

I'm only defending her, not suggesting you waste her time by taking her out when you've already made gross assumptions and challenged her integrity.

[Tinydance]

What I do find alarming about all your posts is that you do actually seem suspicious. I'm not saying with this girl specifically, but if you do actually want a relationship, you seriously need to relax! OK, maybe you were annoyed she took long to respond. OK, fair enough. But the fact that you're convinced she actually WAS looking at her phone all night and she DELIBERATELY ignored you because she was playing mind games. You literally don't know this and have no proof of this! You should never make blind assumptions about people because that will really backfire on you in life.

 

Also you're acting like you are God's gift to this woman and you should be her number one priority in life. You've never gone on a date before so clearly you are not her number one thing in life. I think it's fine if you receive a text at 5:00 p.m. to reply the next morning. If you are actually doing something in the evening, then you go to sleep. Yes it was 14 hours but for maybe 8-9 hours of that she could be sleeping. People are actually not perfect and YOU are not perfect. You need to give people some leeway in life. If you're not interested in her then that's fine..But to say you lost interest only because she texted you back the next morning is just weird. Man up and say the real reason you're not interested. E.g. you don't find her that attractive, as you said. The other reason is just stupi. Sorry but it is.

[Cherylyn]

A lot gets lost in translation with cell phones, texting, emails, messages, voice mails, FB and social media. You have to be very careful because when another person doesn't have any feelings of ill will or if they're inattentive towards you, it doesn't mean they don't like you. You're left guessing so you jump to conclusions that she or any other person for that matter, doesn't place you on a pedestal. This is the problem with this Information Age. You read between the lines too much. You misconstrue. If someone is silent or doesn't reply to you the way you want when you want, you automatically deduce that there's a problem with THEM. The problem here is YOU.

 

People are very busy and many of us are not tethered to our phones 24 / 7. We have things to do, work, commutes, households to maintain, errands, chores, grooming, tending to others, responsibilities and the like.

 

The real problem here is lack of IN PERSON verbal discussions. Sit down and have coffee or tea with them at length. Don't hurry nor rush. People need to discuss what's on their mind as opposed to figuring people out electronically. Then suddenly, you're mystified, angry and decide to call it quits just like that. I think that's unfair. Give people a chance to explain themselves. There's a lot you don't know about what goes on in other people's lives. Whether it's a communication style difference which you don't approve of or their personal reasons, give people a chance to answer your questions accurately. Be forgiving and you'll have improved changes in the relationship.

 

A lot of times, other people and you get your wires crossed and misunderstand each other. Don't distort another person's actions or lack thereof until you give them a chance to defend themselves. You think that their intentions were deliberately an affront to you while they may very well have valid and legitimate reasons for not replying earlier. Once they've explained to you IN PERSON as opposed to furiously texting back 'n forth, then you can judge and realize that person was not for you due to personality and character differences. Until then, it's premature to make impulsive decisions and permanently estrange yourself from them. You will miss many opportunities with other people unless you cut them some slack. Be reasonable, have empathy and patience. Then reevaluate, assess and take action. Not the other way around. You're doing everything backwards.

[catfeeder]

Something significant must've happened for her to suddenly be busy enough not to be on her phone at all for the rest of the day right?

 

Yes. It's remarkable how many things can occur outside of a phone screen that might take priority over a text message from a total stranger.

 

I get that the magic was broken for you, but such is life outside of your own head.

 

Reality rarely stands up to fantasy. You can roll with that and adopt some resiliency, or you can make your world very small.

 

It's your decision.

[LoreliFinn]

My impression is that you're not overly impressed with this woman physically or with regard to her communication skills.

 

I'm afraid it won't improve, this is her communication style. If you are getting upset this early on by her behavior, cut your losses and cancel the date. Many other women out there WOULD reply to to before going to bed.

 

This woman is not for you. Best also not to date co-workers.

[poorlittlefish]

Many other women out there WOULD reply to to before going to bed.

 

Yes, Eliza50 and I are two examples :-). There are lots more of us out there, so cancel the date and find one of them instead.

[reinventmyself]

He texted her at 5pm she responded at 7am and he holds the total of 14 hours against her [emoji849]

[stuka80]

Was the text she took too long to respond to the one of you suggesting going out or to firm up the plans? Seems like there is already a mismatch in communication styles. Maybe don't force it and let it go since there was so-so interest to begin with.

 

yes, the conversation was in setting up the plans and to confirm it when suddenly it just abruptly ended on her part.

[stuka80]

Without going back.a d rereading

. . Was a portion of those 14 hours the time she might have been asleep? Could she have been on the phone with someone else and when the call ended too late to respond?

I'm only defending her, not suggesting you waste her time by taking her out when you've already made gross assumptions and challenged her integrity.

 

yes, it was 5pm to 7am, lets assume 8 hours of that she was alseep, completely understandable in fact, i would've been completely fine with the entire thing if it were for the circumstances, i already wrote tons about it, you can go back and read them if you want.

[stuka80]

But the fact that you're convinced she actually WAS looking at her phone all night and she DELIBERATELY ignored you because she was playing mind games. You literally don't know this and have no proof of this! You should never make blind assumptions about people because that will really backfire on you in life.

 

she didn't give reasons, i'll come up with them myself. and this early in the process, i dont have the patience to put up with it.

 

Also you're acting like you are God's gift to this woman and you should be her number one priority in life.

 

you're completely off but you're entitled to your opinion.

 

 

E.g. you don't find her that attractive, as you said. The other reason is just stupi. Sorry but it is.

 

Isnt that what i said? Physically she's ok, but i wasn't drawn to her looks, i was drawn to her personality and it took a bad turn so the interest left with it. you're arguing a point i never made.

[stuka80]

People are very busy and many of us are not tethered to our phones 24 / 7. We have things to do, work, commutes, households to maintain, errands, chores, grooming, tending to others, responsibilities and the like.

 

totally with you on that, however the circumstances of the her not reading or responding to my messages made those reasons irrelevant in this case, i dont know if you read them but i made those points in previous posts if you want to go back and read it.

 

Once they've explained to you IN PERSON as opposed to furiously texting back 'n forth, then you can judge and realize that person was not for you due to personality and character differences.

 

she didn't explain in the response, as to whether she will explain when i see her in person remains to be seen, she would have to bring it up, as i'm not gonna mention a word about it.

[stuka80]

My impression is that you're not overly impressed with this woman physically or with regard to her communication skills.

 

Looks wise she's ok, i never gave her a second thought at work until a chance meeting made us click with one another.

 

I'm afraid it won't improve, this is her communication style. If you are getting upset this early on by her behavior, cut your losses and cancel the date. Many other women out there WOULD reply to to before going to bed.

 

This woman is not for you. Best also not to date co-workers.

 

i was fine with her communications until this incident for reasons i mentioned previously. as far as dating coworkers i fully agree, but she is only an intern and is temporary so i thought i'd give it a shot.

[stuka80]

He texted her at 5pm she responded at 7am and he holds the total of 14 hours against her [emoji849]

 

you mentioned yourself you didn't read the full story so i get why you would think that, you dont have the full information for why i felt the way i did.

[Cherylyn]

totally with you on that, however the circumstances of the her not reading or responding to my messages made those reasons irrelevant in this case, i dont know if you read them but i made those points in previous posts if you want to go back and read it.

 

 

 

she didn't explain in the response, as to whether she will explain when i see her in person remains to be seen, she would have to bring it up, as i'm not gonna mention a word about it.

 

Just be careful not to give up on people so easily otherwise your future relationships will end prematurely.

 

As I've said before, don't always rely on electronic communication otherwise you will get offended easily. Give people enough respect to give them your time IN PERSON. Make arrangements to meet them IN PERSON no matter how busy and inconvenienced you are. If you have to be 6ft apart, do it. If you are masked, do it. Put the phones down, have zero distractions, have coffee or tea together and have a mature, adult, empathetic discussion with them; not simply cut them off just because they took 14 hours to reply to you. Be a forgiving person and allow people to have a relationship with you instead of abruptly cutting them off just because they didn't reply to you according to the timeline you wanted. Give people a chance to explain themselves. Often times, there's a reason that you don't know about. Or, both of you can compromise on texting and timeline styles. You'll never know unless you give people a chance.

 

There are a lot of nice women out there and they will not always do as you expect. IN PERSON communication is key. Give her the common courtesy and common decency by hearing her out IN PERSON.

 

If not, it's your loss and her loss, too, unfortunately.

[abitbroken]

Honestly, prepare to be single for quite awhile because you are very rigid.

When she didn't behave exactly how you wanted, you downgraded her big time "She is not really that attractive..."

"I have no romantic interest anymore..."

 

Apparently, you were attracted to her because you asked her out to get to know her better. Attraction can be very "chemistry" based or because of multiple factors.

 

You couldn't just simply say "i don't think she is interested in me as I am in her, so i best cancel" , you had to tear her down a little.

 

===

I have not gotten texts right away == my family has a "group text" and with the network sometimes being overloaded because some of my region is stlll on a "stay at home order" and kids are home and not going back to school, i all the sudden got 30 texts at once. (a bunch from the family group text, random coupon texts from stores, a couple from a friend) and things got buried.

 

I would be more ill at ease if someone always answered my texts immediately at all times.

 

I don't count such nuances against someone unless i actually was on a date. The communication going forward after the date is more important. And i am old fashioned - if something is important, like firming up plans for a date, you CALL them

[Rose Mosse]

For all your quirkiness on the matter, Stuka, I have to take my hat off to you for arguing your point in a very level manner.

 

Kudos to you for sticking to your guns. After going through the previous pages and your strong opinion on all this, I think it's best to cancel the date. You're getting some very off vibes from this person and you're entitled to feeling turned off. We can't control how we feel towards someone sometimes or their reactions on certain things. This happened to rub you the wrong way. Listen to your instincts. I'm a firm believer in those.

 

I think things will work out (or not work out) for the best. I agree with the other member also who mentioned dating coworkers might not be the best idea so consider this a win-win, in my opinion.

[boltnrun]

I mean, I once lost interest in a guy because he wore a pleather coat.

 

You don't have to date her or anyone else you don't want to. Date who you want to date and whatever criteria you use is fine.

[stuka80]

Honestly, prepare to be single for quite awhile because you are very rigid.

 

I'm completely content with being single, in fact im not actively trying to date, the opportunity with her just came out of nowhere so i went for it. I dont have an itch to get into a relationship just for its sake.

 

When she didn't behave exactly how you wanted, you downgraded her big time "She is not really that attractive..."

 

the reason i even brought up her looks is because someone else said they dont think i really lost interest and that i wanted to go on the date to see if she'll prove herself to me. So i brought up her looks to make a point that when its physical attraction you really cannot have any control on whether you can decide to drop it on the spot or not. For me it was a conscious decision to pursue her because her personality. So i could just as easily decide not to pursue her and there would be no lingering feelings of attraction. Physical attraction is way harder to turn off. So thats why i brought up her looks, it wasnt to tear her down.

 

You couldn't just simply say "i don't think she is interested in me as I am in her, so i best cancel" , you had to tear her down a little.

 

her possibly being less into me than i was into her was not a factor in deciding to cancel the date, it was that texting incident.

 

if something is important, like firming up plans for a date, you CALL them

 

i agree, however she told me she does not have a US number, as i mentioned she is an intern from overseas so the app is the only way we can talk to each other. otherwise i would've spoken to her over the phone directly.

[HeartGoesOn]

I mean, I once lost interest in a guy because he wore a pleather coat.

 

 

Not to go off topic, but what is a "pleather coat?"

[stuka80]

I think things will work out (or not work out) for the best. I agree with the other member also who mentioned dating coworkers might not be the best idea so consider this a win-win, in my opinion.

 

Thanks, i ended up telling her that i gave it some thought and its best we remain just coworkers, she asked me why but i didnt wanna get into some long conversation over text. She told me she does not have a US number, as she's an intern from South Korea so i told her we can discuss it when we see each other at work during a break or lunch. so we'll see how it goes. if she does offer an explanation i'll update it here if anyone is interested in knowing.

[boltnrun]

Not to go off topic, but what is a "pleather coat?"

 

"pleather

[ˈpleT͟Hər]

 

NOUN

imitation leather made from polyurethane."

 

It was just tacky looking. Irrational but there it is.

[Rose Mosse]

Thanks, i ended up telling her that i gave it some thought and its best we remain just coworkers, she asked me why but i didnt wanna get into some long conversation over text. She told me she does not have a US number, as she's an intern from South Korea so i told her we can discuss it when we see each other at work during a break or lunch. so we'll see how it goes. if she does offer an explanation i'll update it here if anyone is interested in knowing.

 

Yeah, probably better that way in person. Maybe there's a lost in translation thing going on there or culture clash also. S. Korea is also 16 hours ahead of us in the west. I'm in Vancouver, Canada, and in your time zone. I have relatives in southeast Asia. In the period she wasn't speaking to you she could have been chatting with relatives or friends in the morning (their morning). This is not an assumption, just a possibility or something to keep in mind.

 

Sure.. we always love an update. Hope things go ok at work.

[abitbroken]

i agree, however she told me she does not have a US number, as i mentioned she is an intern from overseas so the app is the only way we can talk to each other. otherwise i would've spoken to her over the phone directly.

 

Apps can be glitchy and sometimes you don't get notifications.

 

If she worked in your building, you could have dialed her extension. just saying.