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Made a list of pros and cons of my boyfriend. Does this mean I should end it?


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I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and 3 months. We're 23years old. Due to this whole isolation thing I've been rethinking our relationship and I'm afraid I don't feel in love with my boyfriend any more, but I don't know if it's the fact that we're apart.

 

Here's the list I made:

Pros: He's very sweet and affectionate, supports me and my art, writes/sings songs for me, we have a great sex life, he has a stable income with his growing business, he doesn't drink or smoke or go out partying too often.

 

Cons: he's VERY stingy, can be harsh during arguments, is mostly defensive when we argue over something, he can hold grudges, doesn't feel comfortable with my mom, will hardly ever make gifts (a lot of our arguments have been over this and me getting upset over expecting stuff), he's lied over some things that have made me feel insecure before, he used to be very open about liking a totally different type of girls (blonde tall women vs me being a petite brunette)

 

We were together for a year until we both went abroad, things got very hard long distance and all his cons got stronger, we argued a lot, he would neglect me cause he was enjoying his time in a new city, but after a lot of arguing he finally said he'd put in the effort and apologized. After that first semester, we both met for Winter break in our hometowns, and everything was perfect. He did not behave stingy at all, was very romantic and sweet, my birthday came and he treated me like a princess, but we were meant to go back abroad again. Since I was supposed to leave to China, it got canceled when this started. He, on the other hand, was able to leave (to Germany), and things got bad again. He wanted us to ignore our 2nd anniversary cause he said he'd already spent a lot of money on souvenirs for me and my birthday, we also got into a huge fight during Valentine's Day because of this (he didn't do anything for me and I'd sent him stuff), and of course the whole time difference made it tougher.

He was forced to come back due to the pandemic, and while he's been here things have been neutral (we still haven't been able to meet, so we haven't seen each other since February), yet we have argued over the usual stuff, and even when we're "okay" I have stopped feeling okay. I just feel like I don't care anymore for this relationship, but I don't know if it's because of the distance (since last Winter break was wonderful). He's his usual self: super corny when speaking to me/texting, but still nothing special, I'm not a superficial person, but he knows I enjoy small shows of affection every now and then. I made him a portrait this month for our 27 monthversary and he liked it a lot, but I haven't really gotten anything from him.

 

I don't know what to do or if I'm overthinking everything because of the isolation.

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You say he "isn't comfortable" with your mom, but in your previous thread you say he "hates" her. In fact, that is the title of the thread.

 

Your "pro" list is very basic. Like, millions of men can be affectionate and be supportive and you can have good sex with them. And many men are gainfully employed and don't party.

 

Your "cons" list is much longer. It's paragraphs. I would wonder why that is.

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You say he "isn't comfortable" with your mom, but in your previous thread you say he "hates" her. In fact, that is the title of the thread.

 

Your "pro" list is very basic. Like, millions of men can be affectionate and be supportive and you can have good sex with them. And many men are gainfully employed and don't party.

 

Your "cons" list is much longer. It's paragraphs. I would wonder why that is.

 

I changed the word "hate" cause I think I was being too harsh. We discussed it and he said he'd put in the effort to have a better relationship with her. I still know he's not comfortable with her, though.

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I'm afraid I don't feel in love with my boyfriend any more So why continue? It's common for people to outgrow each other, or for one to outgrow the other in youthful relationships. If your love language is gift giving and he knows this but fails to please you, as long as you're reasonable and it's not super expensive stuff, then obviously he doesn't enough. The fact that he used to ooh and ahh about tall blonds to you is disrespectful and unkind. A person with those traits doesn't sound like the treasure you'd probably like as a lifetime partner.

 

This is a time in your life where you will be meeting so many guys your age, so it's not like this guy is your only hope of romance in life. I'd say you need more dating experiences and more lifetime experiences before choosing the right partner.

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I'm afraid I don't feel in love with my boyfriend any more So why continue? It's common for people to outgrow each other, or for one to outgrow the other in youthful relationships. If your love language is gift giving and he knows this but fails to please you, as long as you're reasonable and it's not super expensive stuff, then obviously he doesn't enough. The fact that he used to ooh and ahh about tall blonds to you is disrespectful and unkind. A person with those traits doesn't sound like the treasure you'd probably like as a lifetime partner.

 

This is a time in your life where you will be meeting so many guys your age, so it's not like this guy is your only hope of romance in life. I'd say you need more dating experiences and more lifetime experiences before choosing the right partner.

 

I never ask for expensive stuff, like even a written note would've been OK last Valentines, but he says I don't appreciate what he gives me if it's not material (and it's not true, I do, but I like special occasions to be special).

 

I feel hopeful things will be different in person, this is why I haven't broken up with him. But I don't know if it's me falling in love with potential and having false hopes.

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I've never in my life heard of a "27 monthversary."

 

You sound incredibly high maintenance. Regardless, if you're not feeling him, then you're not feeling him. By all means feel free to search for a guy who isn't so "stingy" he won't give you gifts on any given odd-numbered month of a milestone. Stop raising arguments if someone doesn't fit the mold you'd prefer they fit. There are enough men out there where you don't need to waste either of your mental health or energies jamming a square peg into a round hole. You've got an essay addressing his cons and literally a single sentence describing his pros. I'd listen to yourself.

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I've never in my life heard of a "27 monthversary."

 

You sound incredibly high maintenance. Regardless, if you're not feeling him, then you're not feeling him. By all means feel free to search for a guy who isn't so "stingy" he won't give you gifts on any given odd-numbered month of a milestone. Stop raising arguments if someone doesn't fit the mold you'd prefer they fit. There are enough men out there where you don't need to waste either of your mental health or energies jamming a square peg into a round hole. You've got an essay addressing his cons and literally a single sentence describing his pros. I'd listen to yourself.

 

Hahaha, we don't celebrate monthversaries at all, but he said I could help him by leading by example. Last month I jokingly tagged him in one of those "tag someone and if they don't reply they owe you this (a picture of a burger or something)", he got angry and I said how he never got me anything and he said he wasn't my mom for me to ask him for stuff. After talking about it, he said I should lead by example and get him gifts too. So I made him a portrait.

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That guy is never going to love you like you want him too. Crying, forcing, begging, punishing...it won't work. He does not care to do the things you want him to.

 

You are incompatible and instead of making both of your lives miserable, end things. You want two different things.

 

He's not going to change and neither are you.

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There's some veiled disrespect on both sides there and it's no wonder you're not interested and he may not be as interested either. He thinks you're materialistic and superficial and you think he's stingy and he doesn't show you enough affection. If he owns his own business, it's unlikely he's going to have time to entertain you. I'm very sorry to say that. He may be having serious doubts about you also and whether you're able to be there for him or understand whatever pressures he may be under keeping his business going.

 

At the end of the day you only have to answer to yourself. If you don't want to be around a guy like this, say your goodbyes and walk. Don't be afraid to make your own way without someone who doesn't make you happy. What's stopping you? Do you feel like your complaints aren't justified?

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Having said that, it's time to make a decision, rather than rolling the dice while wasting each others time.

 

True.

Running back and hoping and expecting it to be as you want, isn't working. It's time to either accept that he's not going to be the man you want (and no, you can't force him to be) or end things and tell him it's not enough for you.

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When it comes to the point of making a list of pros and cons, it appears that ship has already sailed, (imo). Having said that, it's time to make a decision, rather than rolling the dice while wasting each others time.

 

It's just really hard for me to let go. Incredibly so. We broke things up a while ago and I regretted it almost instantly. And we have a lot of plans, even in the near future, this makes me think maybe I should be content with what I have. But also I shouldn't sacrifice this much happiness, truth is I'm not as happy as I wish I was with him. I don't know if this is when I choose to compromise and work on things to be content, or if I shouldn't be settling. I'm afraid I'll regret it.

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There's some veiled disrespect on both sides there and it's no wonder you're not interested and he may not be as interested either. He thinks you're materialistic and superficial and you think he's stingy and he doesn't show you enough affection. If he owns his own business, it's unlikely he's going to have time to entertain you. I'm very sorry to say that. He may be having serious doubts about you also and whether you're able to be there for him or understand whatever pressures he may be under keeping his business going.

 

At the end of the day you only have to answer to yourself. If you don't want to be around a guy like this, say your goodbyes and walk. Don't be afraid to make your own way without someone who doesn't make you happy. What's stopping you? Do you feel like your complaints aren't justified?

 

It's his family business, and he helps out. I've been with him since he started and I have always been very supportive of it, I work his marketing department and he knows he counts on me, he's always thanking me for that. He has plenty of time, he's only taking two online classes and spends his days watching Netflix and playing GTA. We text during the entire day and speak on the phone/videochat every now and then. I would never ask him for stuff I know he's not able to give, I rarely even ask for stuff. I only mentioned I had thought he'd get me something on Valentine's Day (since we'd been apart and we always celebrated it).

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It's his family business, and he helps out. I've been with him since he started and I have always been very supportive of it, I work his marketing department and he knows he counts on me, he's always thanking me for that. He has plenty of time, he's only taking two online classes and spends his days watching Netflix and playing GTA. We text during the entire day and speak on the phone/videochat every now and then. I would never ask him for stuff I know he's not able to give, I rarely even ask for stuff. I only mentioned I had thought he'd get me something on Valentine's Day (since we'd been apart and we always celebrated it).

 

Thanks for the added info. There comes a point in every relationship where the people involved have to resume their regular lives and the focus isn't on each other anymore. 2+ years and you're feeling possibly what most married couples do after some time. He should have his own hobbies and so should you. But if he's really neglecting the relationship and not putting enough effort into it, I'd talk about it more before throwing the towel in. Over turn every stone before you walk away to satisfy your own self and know that you're walking away to live a fuller life without this person.

 

I don't believe in ending long term relationships because of a dull period or during an emotional or tougher periods like these lock downs or distancing. Do what's right for you but don't make any decisions if you're not sure because it's unlikely people will trust you again. Don't do the on/off relationships or make decisions in the heat of the moment or while one of you is feeling bored and upset. Work on communicating a lot better. Give each other space too. Texting each other all day isn't healthy. Put the phones down and focus on something else. Your mind should have the opportunity to work on numerous things without the voice of your partner interjecting all the time, whether it's approval or disapproval and vice versa. Create some boundaries and separation there. Increase the quality of time you both do spend with each other. I think what he chooses to do in his free time whether it's GTA or Netflix or create art or garden or build things should remain private and part of his relaxing time alone. Do you feel annoyed that he spends more time doing those things than showing you affection?

 

If you want to end it, it should be for good and because the entire future is blighted by that person's presence and you really don't see yourself living your best life around that person. Maybe it's difference in priorities, maybe it's different in lifestyles, maybe it's differences in how you both spend your time and not being able to see eye to eye. Once you feel you've exhausted all avenues of communication and nothing is working, close the door. Otherwise, practice good boundaries and give each other plenty of space to spread your wings and find new hobbies and have quiet/private time away from each other. I think it's healthy for both of you to develop identities outside of the relationship too.

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Ok breakups are not easy. You'll have to rip off the bandaid. As far as your naughty or nice list, well he gets coal in his stocking.🧦🎅

It's just really hard for me to let go. We broke things up a while ago and I regretted it almost instantly
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Thanks for the added info. There comes a point in every relationship where the people involved have to resume their regular lives and the focus isn't on each other anymore. 2+ years and you're feeling possibly what most married couples do after some time. He should have his own hobbies and so should you. But if he's really neglecting the relationship and not putting enough effort into it, I'd talk about it more before throwing the towel in. Over turn every stone before you walk away to satisfy your own self and know that you're walking away to live a fuller life without this person...

 

Thank you for this. I'm not against his hobbies, I wouldn't want us to be talking non-stop all day. We usually text back every 2-3 hours during the day. I am taking 7 online courses and am pretty much focused in school all day, and when I take a break from school I usually log off and just relax on my own. I'm not asking for time from him, I'm just evaluating our whole relationship. We're OK as of now given the whole situation. This whole thing comes up because I've been evaluating everything, and I've thought exactly what you mention: that it's felt like the bored stage after years of marriage since January. And we're not married, so what will I get if I do get married to him? It's obvious he'd try even less.

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His cons are red flags all over the place. Yes, you should end it!

 

He's very stingy. I hate that in a man. My husband loves discounts and good deals just like the next person but he's definitely not stingy. He's a very generous tipper and since we both work hard, he buys me things that I want and we save money in other areas. When we disagree, he humbly apologizes which I appreciate. He never tells me that he prefers different types of women. Oh my, that's death in a relationship or marriage. :eek:

 

Commemorating Valentine's Day, birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, etc. is a beautiful thing to do. These celebrations or gift giving should be mutual. If it isn't, you'll always feel slighted and not appreciated. My husband and I don't celebrate every special occasion but we do random things throughout the year whether it's a special dinner, outing, I'll tell him what I want such as perfume, jewelry (rarely), clothes, shoes, frequent trips to the hair salon, designer handbags and the like. I give him hints. I don't like flowers and chocolates! :upset: I want something that lasts permanently and doesn't die nor get eaten. He likes car or camera accessories so I get him that.

 

You need to realize that a sound, normal relationship is about being treated with HABITUAL respect and kindness because that is the definition of loyal, sincere love. Respect is the only thing that endures. There is no other way. Any other way is simply unacceptable and intolerable.

 

Your boyfriend's belligerent behavior and holding grudges is very alarming. Being defensive, gaslighting you and the whole ugly lot means you need to exit the relationship now. The sooner the better because he gives you emotional abuse. Your boyfriend lacks emotional intelligence (EQ). Any time anyone lacks emotional intelligence, it's time to go your separate ways. He lacks empathy.

 

You're not over thinking. This isolation is a good time for you to think long and hard. It puts character into perspective or lack thereof. I've done it myself and after thinking long and hard, it all makes sense. I've rejected certain people out of my life and it feels very empowering and liberating. Surround yourself with moral, very upstanding people. The rest of the bad people should not be part of your life, period. Enforce your own boundaries. You will become much more content and secure this way.

 

Most of all, your boyfriend LIES. That's a major, final, permanent deal breaker right there. Once I catch anyone who is dishonest and won't tell the truth, it's over. Once a liar, always a liar. You'll never be able to trust him. A person who lies is deceitful and betrays you. Beware.

 

Listen to your gut and dump him!

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Will you be okay with him rarely or ever buying you presents or making efforts on Valentines Day, etc? Or do you plan on having continuous fights over it?

 

He's not going to magically change. In fact, if anything, he will get worse as time goes by and bills get higher. If you think he's stingy now, wait 5-10 years.

 

You're either going to have to accept how he is or let it go.

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Just one thing to add. Learn how to ask for what you want effectively (not with this guy, since he's not good bf material). I said how he never got me anything That's attacking a person and a person will only want to lash back and defend themselves. Instead, you should use "I" sentences, since people normally can't argue with what you want and how you feel, i.e. Valentine's Day is important to me. I'd love it if we could exchange cards." See the difference? It's positive. Read some books on how to communicate with a partner to come to a consensus. Good luck.

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Thank you for this. I'm not against his hobbies, I wouldn't want us to be talking non-stop all day. We usually text back every 2-3 hours during the day. I am taking 7 online courses and am pretty much focused in school all day, and when I take a break from school I usually log off and just relax on my own. I'm not asking for time from him, I'm just evaluating our whole relationship. We're OK as of now given the whole situation. This whole thing comes up because I've been evaluating everything, and I've thought exactly what you mention: that it's felt like the bored stage after years of marriage since January. And we're not married, so what will I get if I do get married to him? It's obvious he'd try even less.

 

I don't know your story so well and there are a lot of things we can't possibly know through a screen. I don't know whether it's right or not to assume that far into the future and assume that he'd be a total potato in a marriage. If what I'm hearing is correct this person doesn't appear to communicate well with you and show you enough affection. There aren't any signs of abuse, manipulation, lies, rudeness or serious red flags. You are unhappy with him and convinced that he's checked out mentally/emotionally. Is this correct?

 

Do you mind me asking something about the family business? Do you feel like he doesn't have the same amount of ambition as you? Something is missing? Is he too complacent about life in general, not just your relationship? Does he live each moment fully and treat things around him with real value and not take things forgranted? Those are all valid feelings. It doesn't make someone bad or a bad person. I don't even know if they're real red flags as someone else might come along and not be too phased by someone who coasts through life like that. My husband and I spent our previous anniversary very frugally but that's just our style and we catch up on the simpler things that also happen not to cost a lot of money. I don't have a price tag for a dinner he cooks me. The experience is immeasurable in worth or value. Someone else might look down on us or think our life is inferior because we don't have elaborate celebrations but maybe it's not about big shows. You may be searching for the same thing too - someone who creates magic where there is none and inspires you and vice versa. Someone who tries or makes you feel special.

 

I don't think you deserve to live your life feeling like you're missing out. Only you can know that.. I have been in your shoes! And longed wistfully for change. If you don't feel it's right, it's better to be kind and end it peacefully or as amicably as possible.

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I don't know your story so well and there are a lot of things we can't possibly know through a screen. I don't know whether it's right or not to assume that far into the future and assume that he'd be a total potato in a marriage. If what I'm hearing is correct this person doesn't appear to communicate well with you and show you enough affection. There aren't any signs of abuse, manipulation, lies, rudeness or serious red flags. You are unhappy with him and convinced that he's checked out mentally/emotionally. Is this correct?

 

Do you mind me asking something about the family business? Do you feel like he doesn't have the same amount of ambition as you? Something is missing? Is he too complacent about life in general, not just your relationship? Does he live each moment fully and treat things around him with real value and not take things forgranted? Those are all valid feelings. It doesn't make someone bad or a bad person. I don't even know if they're real red flags as someone else might come along and not be too phased by someone who coasts through life like that. My husband and I spent our previous anniversary very frugally but that's just our style and we catch up on the simpler things that also happen not to cost a lot of money. I don't have a price tag for a dinner he cooks me. The experience is immeasurable in worth or value. Someone else might look down on us or think our life is inferior because we don't have elaborate celebrations but maybe it's not about big shows. You may be searching for the same thing too - someone who creates magic where there is none and inspires you and vice versa. Someone who tries or makes you feel special.

 

I don't think you deserve to live your life feeling like you're missing out. Only you can know that.. I have been in your shoes! And longed wistfully for change. If you don't feel it's right, it's better to be kind and end it peacefully or as amicably as possible.

 

He's ambitious and I don't doubt I would have a decent life if I do end up staying with him. We are both very hard workers, and he's really invested in his family business and making good money. I've worked since I was 18 in corporate jobs which led me to land a good job in government. Again, I don't care for money or expensive gifts, everything I need I buy myself. I treat myself with expensive stuff, I don't expect to get those things from him. I'd be happy with him cooking for me like your husband does.

To me it's not the amount of things, or the cost, especially knowing a dollar is nothing to him now that he's earning a lot. I don't want him giving me glamorous gifts, or jewelry, or clothes. The most special gifts I've received from him have been a random rose during a date, a bouquet of flowers he made himself (out of foam sheets), a chocolate bar he left in my car.

I value effort and thoughtfulness. An "I was on my way here and thought you might like this", an "hey you've been pretty stressed, let me help you with X thing", or "since you've been sick i sent you some soup" haha I don't know! That's what I want. And it's not like I'm asking for it on a DAILY basis, It just never happens!

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I value effort and thoughtfulness. An "I was on my way here and thought you might like this", an "hey you've been pretty stressed, let me help you with X thing", or "since you've been sick i sent you some soup" haha I don't know! That's what I want. It just never happens!

You two are incompatible. You want him to be something he is not. He will NEVER change. This is who he is. You either accept him as he is, or end it and find someone who meets your wants and needs. This guy is not it.

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