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Good first date, slow contact afterwards, advice?


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I recently went on a date with a beautiful lady saturday night. She let me pick her up, she wanted me to facetime with her mom so she could meet me, so we did for a minute or so. We went to eat then we went to a mountaintop with a gorgeous view. Dinner was awesome, 45 or so minutes, good conversation. On the way to the mountain top we talked about family, goals and other things.

 

We get to the mountaintop, park and get out to see the view. It was cold so I held her from behind, then walked to the front of her where I guided her chin up to me and I kissed her for a good 2 minutes. On the way back to her place she was getting sleepy and she wrapped her arms around my right arm and laid her head on my shoulder as she was stroking my arm. She was talking about her son, family and culture, shes hispanic. She would mention her family and say "you will see" when talking about meeting her dad, son and mother.

 

We get back to her place, walk inside and sit on the couch, had another makeout session, started getting a lil more physical and she would guide my hand away, no big deal, one step forward, 2 steps back. I tried once more, and she teased me by saying "you cant stay tonight mister" It was getting late so we both agreed that I needed to head home and she needed to sleep. She walked me to the door, kissed me and said to text her when I got home. I get home and I call her to let her know, instead of testing her, say our goodnights and hang up, She says "talk to you tomorrow"

 

This is where I think i messed up. I went with a friend to pick up a car the next morning, so I texted her that I was heading out of town with my friend. She says "good morning, have a safe trip" we send 2-3 text back and forth but her response is 2-3 hours later. The last text she sent was a smiley emoji, I didnt respond and went to bed.

 

Any advice or thoughts? I dont want to mess this up with her. She is everything that I have been looking for. I didnt sleep well the night after the date bc I was thinking of her alot. I want to text her or call her all the time now and shes always on my mind. I dont think i messed up too bad by texting her the next morning but I should have waited for her to text first.

 

What to do?

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Sounds great. Was all this on one date? Slow down. She has a son so respect that and don't expect her to be texting all day instantly. Simply ask her out again for next weekend and don't try to fast forward things if she is this family and culture oriented. Try not to push this hard or come off like a player. Get to know her and take your time.

We get back to her place, walk inside and sit on the couch, had another makeout session, started getting a lil more physical and she would guide my hand away, no big deal, one step forward, 2 steps back. I tried once more, and she teased me by saying "you cant stay tonight mister". She says "good morning, have a safe trip".

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Sounds great. Was all this on one date? Slow down. She has a son so respect that and don't expect her to be texting all day instantly. Simply ask her out again for next weekend and don't try to fast forward things if she is this family and culture oriented. Try not to push this hard or come off like a player. Get to know her and take your time.

 

Yes sir, all on the first date! I mentioned that her son was her priority and that I wanted to get to know her more. I just have anxiety with texting and talking to her, I feel like I have to do something to keep her into me, which i know its my own mind playing tricks, I just need you and others to tell me that im doing the right thing and letting her come to me.

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Sounds great. Was all this on one date? Slow down. She has a son so respect that and don't expect her to be texting all day instantly. Simply ask her out again for next weekend and don't try to fast forward things if she is this family and culture oriented. Try not to push this hard or come off like a player. Get to know her and take your time.

 

How do I ask her out now?

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How do I ask her out now?

 

This was all two nights ago? First: inhale, exhale, slow down your nerves so you can slow down with her. Then send her a text saying you'd like to see her again, and ask what day is good for her. Simple.

 

Also, she is not "everything" you have been looking for. She is a woman you have gone on one date with. You'll have an idea if she's right for you in about three months, assuming you both want to keep seeing each other. Remind yourself of that, as it's important. Treat her as the mythic missing piece of your life and you won't be able to get to know her, and really get to know how you two get along, because you're turning her into a character, which is fancy talk for "object."

 

It's a trick human brains are fond of playing on themselves, but it's one that makes genuine connection next to impossible. So see the trick, but don't fall for it, and then see about seeing the actual woman again.

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Totally agree with @bluecastle you are way too attached to a woman you have only had one date with. If it was a Tinder date, there is a strong chance that she is dating other people too, and so should you. I know it's a messed up dynamic, but that's modern dating for you.

 

In any case, you are over-thinking things way too much, micro-analyzing every text, the interval between texts, looking for clues and reassurance from memories of your date...

Take a big step back, see the situation for what it is, a nice first date with a woman you enjoyed the company of, no more, no less. If you start putting her on a pedestal, falling in love with an idealized version of her in your head, extrapolating from the minimal interaction you have had with her so far, you are going to come on too strong and she is going to smell the neediness and insecurity from a mile off. That is not attractive and it will turn her off instantly.

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This was all two nights ago? First: inhale, exhale, slow down your nerves so you can slow down with her. Then send her a text saying you'd like to see her again, and ask what day is good for her. Simple.

 

Also, she is not "everything" you have been looking for. She is a woman you have gone on one date with. You'll have an idea if she's right for you in about three months, assuming you both want to keep seeing each other. Remind yourself of that, as it's important. Treat her as the mythic missing piece of your life and you won't be able to get to know her, and really get to know how you two get along, because you're turning her into a character, which is fancy talk for "object."

 

It's a trick human brains are fond of playing on themselves, but it's one that makes genuine connection next to impossible. So see the trick, but don't fall for it, and then see about seeing the actual woman again.

 

So, i thought about sending this now. "good morning, I hope you had a good night. I had a good time saturday night and would love to see you again. WHen are you free?"

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Yeah, that sounds great. Here’s the thing: she is allowed to not be into you, as you are allowed to discover in another week or two that she’s not right for you. Remember all that, get a little cozy with that. It’s not a verdict on you, as she’s just a person you hardly know.

 

While dating is invariably anxiety inducing, it’s important to remember that the thing most of us want from dating—a relationship—is way more intense. So if we can’t be genuinely open and patient during these early stages—open to it working, to it not—we are likely to be a wreck inside of any relationship, as that’s when the projections end and the real feelings and real connections begin.

 

This is the flight-simulator stage, where nosedives into mountains play out on screens and don’t cause real damage. Low stakes, in short, to prepare for the real flight. For that you need a co-pilot who is down to join you, and that isn’t something you’ll know about her, or anyone woman, this quickly.

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You are over thinking things. Ya just say you had a great time, then ask her out specifically...like "so would you be available Friday for _______." If she really is interested she will jump at it. btw she put the brakes on for sexy time...be more of a gentleman next time. Making out is fine....the ladies like to build up that sexual tension/romance first to feel that connection.

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Take a deep breath, don't start running a million miles ahead planning your future together etc. It might not go that way at all.

You can't tell for sure if someone is who they say they are this early on, or if your connection is real. Give it time, at least a few more months.

 

This is what they call the "honeymoon phase" where everything seems perfect, but that doesn't mean it is.

Just concentrate on one date at a time and go slow.

 

btw she put the brakes on for sexy time...be more of a gentleman next time

Totally agree! Go slower with this too. It sounds like you were starting to make her feel uncomfortable with too much kissing and touching.

Ease off and focus more on a goodnight kiss and not a makeout session.

 

You will ruin this if you force it or rush things.

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It sounds like you were starting to make her feel uncomfortable with too much kissing and touching.

 

I thought this as well.

 

When you described the date positively it was all about what she’d “let” you do physically, rather than what you found compelling about her personhood, with the questions surrounding where she tapped the breaks. All that is fun and critical in romance, of course, but if it’s the only point or the main gauge—well, that will limit your pool to people who want to get naked with strangers. People who want to get naked with people will want to get to know a person first.

 

That’s not me saying you’re some hound dog, as you sound kind and sensitive, but just saying that all that is kind of the icing. Bake the cake first.

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Back off. Too much, too fast.

 

One test would have been sufficient. You are coming off needy.

I understand that, I want her to pursue some too, im just going to wait on her to reach out to me. If i dint hear anything in a day or 2 I will send out a quick test saying " hey, i hope youre doing well" is that good?

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I understand that, I want her to pursue some too, im just going to wait on her to reach out to me. If i dint hear anything in a day or 2 I will send out a quick test saying " hey, i hope youre doing well" is that good?

 

Why won't you ask her for another date? "Hey, I hope you're doing well" is totally lame. And it won't get you a second date.

 

Ask her! Oh, and not via text, BTW. Also lame. Call her and ask her on a date.

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Sounds good. Then leave it and give her time to get back to you. No do not send that preemptive shoot-down if she doesn't respond in 48 hrs. It's weak, weird and manipulative. Who cares? One date...you're not exclusive.

So, i thought about sending this now. "good morning, I hope you had a good night. I had a good time saturday night and would love to see you again. WHen are you free?"
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Think of it like this:

 

You and I—two dudes—sit next to each other at a basketball game and make some engaging small talk. You dig me, as a human, and want to hang out again. Are you freaking out about 48 hour rules, and so on? No. You're hitting me up to see if I want to play cards on Friday, not too worried about the whole thing. You're a person, I'm a person, you're into hanging again, end scene.

 

This—by which I mean connecting with anyone—should be similar. Not the same—it's a bit spicier—but similar, especially at this stage. Be a confident person, not a cagey chess master, and treat her as a person, not mysterious maze with lips you want to kiss again to christen your forever story. Wherever this goes, that already puts you in the winner's circle.

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I understand that, I want her to pursue some too, im just going to wait on her to reach out to me. If i dint hear anything in a day or 2 I will send out a quick test saying " hey, i hope youre doing well" is that good?

 

Yeash, stop trying to sabotage yourself. Just ask her for another date and wait on her to respond. Either she'll say yes or no.

 

Don't play games, don't shaite test people because all you do is set yourself up to fail with that. After just a one date, she has no reason to pursue you. In fact, most women expect YOU to show concrete interest, aka arrange date #2. If you don't do it or just text her/call her and keep chatting but no action, she'll just assume you are full of hot air and move on.

 

Also, take it easy on Mr. TentacleHands. She removed your hands - that was a very clear no thanks. Take the not so subtle hint and be more respectful of her space. She shouldn't have to do it more than once for you to get a clue.

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Sounds good. Then leave it and give her time to get back to you. No do not send that preemptive shoot-down if she doesn't respond in 48 hrs. It's weak, weird and manipulative. Who cares? One date...you're not exclusive.

 

I did this, I sent "hey there! Its been crazy at work this morning, how are you doing?" then if she responds then I will ask her out again

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I did this, I sent "hey there! Its been crazy at work this morning, how are you doing?" then if she responds then I will ask her out again

 

What kind of response do you expect from this? "I'm fine, how are you"??? And that will result in what? You'll be exactly where you are right now.

 

Why won't you ask her out on another date?

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What kind of response do you expect from this? "I'm fine, how are you"??? And that will result in what? You'll be exactly where you are right now.

 

Why won't you ask her out on another date?

 

im trying, shes been responding to just about anything that I have sent and the same with me. She isnt responding now, 2 hours later. if she responds then I will ask her out on a second date.

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