Jump to content

She slept with someone while we were broken up


Recommended Posts

Hi guys, just need some advice.

 

Long story short, my girlfriend (both 26) and I were together for 4 years and then we split 2 months ago, to be clear i instigated the break up and she put it as she didnt see it coming. she took it super hard and was highly stressed out, she took it was worse than i thought she would.

We have just recently decided to talk and see whether we can try work things out using the help of counsellors.

 

She then told me before she wants to get any help she needs me to know that she slept with an ex-boyfriend of her's 2 weeks after we split up.

 

I know i broke up with her and we weren't together and she was free to do whatever she pleased, including have sex with someone new.

When she told me I didn’t get mad at her at all, I was just devastated. I told her I wasn’t mad but that it just really hurt.

She said she stopped halfway and went home and feels really upset about it and eveyrthing. she kept saying how she was hurt that i suddenly just dropped her and broke up with her and she didn't plan on it and was super drunk and things just happened. Now, i know things JUST dont happen! But i also do highly doubt she planned on it.

 

It’s such a confusing position to be in because I know I can’t hold it against her since im the one who broke it off and we were 'technically' broken up, but my god does it sting. It feels like betrayal but it isnt. It feels like I meant nothing to her after 4 years of being together and just 2 weeks after breaking up. It just hurts and I don’t know what to do about it.

 

Have any of you been in this situation before? How did you work through it? Is it even worth trying to work through it?

 

I know I need to either call it quits and move on or let this go and be at peace with it. I know it won’t happen overnight and but I need advice.

 

Thank You!

Link to post
Share on other sites

She was in shock and sad and turned to someone she probably knew would offer up some no-strings affection. It has nothing to do with how she felt about you, apart from trying to make herself feel desirable after you ended it. Break-ups can really send the broken-hearted on an emotional spiral. Why she chose to reveal this, I'm not sure, but here we are. Keep in mind she probably also asked herself if she meant nothing to you after 4 years, if this break-up was as unexpected (for her) as you describe. You're both probably struggling with the same feelings of insecurity now, but for different reasons.

 

I wouldn't let this incident stop you two from reconciling, though. Take it as a tough lesson learned for you, but don't hold it against her. What would be a better use of your mental energy is to reflect on why you broke up with her in the first place, and why you are now trying to come back. What were the issues you felt couldn't be overcome? Have those things been discussed between you, and how will things be different moving forward?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I doubt you were as hurt as her, after you dumped her after a 4-year relationship.

 

Did you expect her to to sit at home and wait for you to change your mind. Unbelievable! What an ego!

 

She should be the one deciding if she can trust and forgive YOU.

Edited by Hollyj
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Wise words from MissCanuck.

 

How anyone opts to cope with a breakup—be it drinking heavily or getting seriously into Buddhism, be it swearing off sex or having regrettable sex with an ex—has nothing, nothing to do with the person they've broken up with. In other words, her sleeping with an ex has nothing to do with you and really shouldn't be the thing that gets in the way of reconciliation. So just as you know she didn't mean "nothing" to you when you chose to end it, don't turn this into evidence that you meant "nothing" to her. To expect a woman to "honor" your history together through celibacy is just absurd.

 

Yes, it stings. So do a million things in life. Stings fade. If this is too much of a sting for you right now—well, then you owe it to her, and yourself, to be clear about this. This should be something that isn't talked about at length, or again. You know, logically, it's not that big a deal—like, if your close buddy told you he did something similar after a relationship you wouldn't drag him over the coals. You'd get it. You can get this. If you can't "get it" and get back together—well, that's that.

 

Have you pursued anything romantic over the past two months with anyone else? If so, even if it was just a text or a rightward swipe during a lonely night, I'd let that be a reminder of how this is nothing to get bent out of shape about.

 

The place to put your energy now, as MissCanuck said, is whether reconciliation is really something you want and believe can happen. If someone having random sex during a breakup is the hiccup, I'd say there are much bigger issues on the path to reconciliation than a random night that occurred after a relationship ended.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I've known people who couldn't look past a thing like that. In the end, if both of you are better apart you'll discover that in the next few weeks. You shouldn't have to rationalize something you're not comfortable with. She shouldn't have to justify her actions to you either.

 

Don't prolong this any further if you feel you cannot respect each other.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Who wanted to get back together? Unfortunately it sounds like there was a lot of conflict if you were just dating and talking about counselling. And now the conflicts are just extending into an on/off thing. Just cut the cord.

She then told me before she wants to get any help she needs me to know that she slept with an ex-boyfriend of her's 2 weeks after we split up.
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey guys,

 

Thanks a lot for your input!

That makes a lot of sense and i appreciate the female point of view and how she must be feeling when i broke up with her. (my guy friends are useless).

I dont really want this to be the reason why we call it quits but I also dont want to get back together wihout moving past it because if i am not over it and this comes up again it will hurt us both even more. I cant just pretend to be over it before starting anythign up again.

 

I reached out and asked whether she is willing to try solve this with counselling.

 

One thing i was thinking is, do i just and move on? is the right way to go about this?

We have talked about a lot of the issues and they have almost fully addressed all of them and i'm almost certain things will be different moving forward. we both have to make changes ofc.

 

i have obvoiusly left out a lot of the details what lead me to break up with her in the first place but maybe me giving a few details would help.

 

We've had a lot of intimacy issues over the years, the first year was completely fine as it is at the start, but after a while sex for her really started to hurt and she was quite uncomfortable with it so we stopped having sex about 2 years into the relationship. I never had an issue with not having sex, im completely fine with that. But any kind of intimacy was just non-exisitent and i started to feel unwanted, we did talk about it many times but things never got any better.

I can fully accept losing attraction for someone and if that was the case it makes complete sense and we would have parted ways amicably. But she always maintained that she was reaaaally attracted to me and really wanted to be intimate just couldn't understand why she wasn't. I suggested taking help but she refused. We both put it down to her being stressed out about her work and being away from home in a new country etc.

And then about a year ago she moved back home (different country) it was only meant to be for a few months but it dragged on and ended up being about a year.

 

 

There are a lot of other issues of course not just intimacy which i also give a lot of importance to, the only reason i highlighted this one out is because of what happened after we split up. So the actual act i have no problem with at all. it's just

 

 

Any further advice would be greatly appreciated.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Did she see her Gyno for the pain? Does she have Endometriosis?

 

I can totally understand how you feel about the break up, and her sleeping with another. I can understand you feelings of betrayal. You should have included that in your opening. I would not have responded as I did.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I think it was a real slap in the face that she slept with the guy-and told you about it-when she does not sleep with you.

 

You deserve a more fulfilling relationship.

 

Oh yeah...... I missed that! I can't believe she would run out in the first 2 weeks and sleep with another guy after not wanting to be intimate with you for years (and "not knowing why"). I would bring that up to her and politely move on.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I wrote one reply, but after reading your update, I deleted it. She didn't want to seek counseling when you first suggested it. To me it'd be too little too late. When you get time and distance away from this relationship, you will shake your head at why you stayed so long. Go no contact and move on.

Link to post
Share on other sites
People who have their egos bruised can sometimes seek out someone else's attention to prove to themselves they are still desirable.

 

 

Maybe she needed her ego bruised while she was still with the OP, then she could have sought out HIS attention and actually been intimate with HIM!

 

Not buying the devastated and hurt thing!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Maybe she needed her ego bruised while she was still with the OP, then she could have sought out HIS attention and actually been intimate with HIM!

 

Not buying the devastated and hurt thing!

 

I don't think they read his second post. It changes everything.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If you'd started this thread saying that you're trying to reconcile with someone, just two months after breaking up, who you hadn't had an intimately rewarding relationship with for three of your four years together I would probably tell you that moving on is the better idea. It's just really hard to see what's there, as it already sounds like you've devoted years, together, to trying to work on something that just got worse as you tried to make it work.

 

How does 60 days apart change that?

 

Of course, it's more than understandable that her sleeping with someone else would sting in this context. Doesn't really change my earlier sentiments, however. If anything, just adds another layer to them. Basically, it sounds like you've both spent a good portion of your 20s without being remotely close to satisfied intimately. Yes, you have feelings for each other, would love to be the source of the other's satisfaction. But it just doesn't seem like it's in the cards.

 

Just doesn't seem like you two work very well together but are both kind of addicted to "trying to make it work." This whole instance, in a way, is not a curveball/barrier to you guys working but just another example of that.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I feel like this is one of those instances where you love the idea of each other, but not so much each other personally.

 

 

Did you ask if it hurt her when she slept with the other guy? If in the back of her mind, she thought that maybe her physical pain would be different with someone else, and allowed herself to get swept up in the moment... well, I can understand it, even if I don't necessarily justify it.

 

 

The bottom line, though, is that physical intimacy is one of the reasons you broke it off, and then she slept with someone else immediately after. I would be hurt, too.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I think you should stick to the initial break up. Let her go.

Use the information that she bounced straight into bed with someone else as validation that she just doesn't have the self awareness to end things cleanly herself.

 

I agree. After reading your follow up post I completely understand why you are heart broken and feel betrayed. It’s probably not something you will be able to easily overcome and the reality is you guys would likely end up where you were before.... is she really worth it after all this?

Link to post
Share on other sites

so i'm not an expert, but here's my advice for you: don't try to find if what she did was right or wrong.

something i learned in love and through being in relationships where you're deeply involved is that the most important thing is to let it go, don't search for who's right, search for what's right (for exemple, what's right to do now, what's right to feel)... and what can make you happy.

secondly, i've been through a break up and i can tell you that when you're in love, that thing hurts like hell; it destroys you and as a first inner reflex, we tend to look for a shelter in someone else!

what your girlfriend did is normal, it was HER way of getting rid of the pain you gave her (her way means no right no wrong), but i don't take it as a betrayal, not because you were apart during that period and she was allowed to do anything, but because nowadays when things get hard in relationships, we always find a way to try and solve it, we can take breaks, we can take some distance from each-others (in that case it would've been a betrayal yes)... but break ups became an extreme act, when you break up, it's just like letting go of a thread you were holding onto strongly for so long and it just makes a mess!

finally, for now, it's gonna hurt both of you, what matters is to distinguish the pain you're feeling, if it's only out of ego and feeling replaced (betrayed as you think, in this case, stop holding on unecessarly!), or is it out of love... if it's the second one, you're the only one to know that love is precious and we should hold on to it but should also see whether things are gonna work out and if you love her enough to forgive, if not let it go, let her go, and let some time pass, you'll be amazed with how your heart and mind will settle down and things will start to get better!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...