Bf and I have different money footprint

[reinventmyself]

I'd be careful stating that being frugal is somehow better or healthier.

 

I mentioned earlier that I am very conservative with my money, but not frugal. I am financially sound and responsible.and I think that sometimes buying something without having to search out it's bottom line deal is equally healthy. As long as you are responsible about it

 

It's all relative in the scheme of things. Some people live their life saving for the children, denying themselves things and leaving everything behind. It's considered honorable in some ways.

 

If someone chose to leave this world penniless, but having lived a rich life not denying themselves of things they could otherwise afford, but weren't in debt, would we blame them?

[itsallgrand]

I'm curious if she perhaps has the safety net of her family helping her while he does not?

I'm the more frugal one out of my SO and I. And though he was by no means spoiled, his family has always had money and he knows deep in the back of his mind there is always someone there to catch him. I didn't have that, and have known since I was teen that I am my own safety net and that's it. It impacts my choices even now when things aren't so tight, because I like to have more than he does in backup in order to feel financially secure. I still am frugal, but we have helped balance each other a bit more. I've learned how nice it can be to splurge a little more often, he's learned how satisfying it can be getting good deals on things where it's not a sacrifice to do it, like not buying snacks from the corner store on the regular.

I think OP could handle being a teeny bit more respectful of the fact that frugality is often born in necessity at some point, rather than being so hard on him for this.

[Wiseman2]

If you think he's a scrooge, cheapskate or wet blanket, dating is the time to find all that out. Dating is to figure out if you two fit. If he's acting like a parent that's a red flag. Stop letting him help your family or treat you to dinners. Step back from this power struggle and just observe who he is.

[Sportster2005]

He's a person that knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. I don't want anything to do with people like this. Life is too short. Your mileage may differ.

 

Stop and get the $7 ice cream. If he can't even tolerate a small treat like that, then you really, really, REALLY need to consider what it would be like going through life with a man like this.

[catfeeder]

You don't need to change, and you don't need to change him. Set up 3 accounts: His, Yours and Ours. The Ours account is the monthly amount you must each contribute to shared expenses and investments. Beyond that, anything left over goes into your own accounts and can be spent any way you choose to spend it--or not.

 

So when BF doesn't agree on how or when to 'both' spend money, you can pick up the tab and treat him to whatever it is that means enough to you to spend the money NOW. If you don't want to do that, then it's not important enough for you to hold a grudge.

 

Either you can appreciate your differences, or not. If not, then you get to decide what you want to do about that, but complaining will only amplify the problem rather than resolve it.

 

It's your decision.

[lanna0507]

I think the contentious or gray area might have been the part where he physically held the shared pack with the money in it and didn't want to agree to pay for a more expensive float. The OP felt helpless but didn't seem to vocalize past that point. It's always a good idea to carry cash on your person and some ID, by the way. It shouldn't be all in one pack or bag. At the very least you should have a credit card available to you and not in that bag. What if you both get separated and you need to find a way back to the hotel etc?

 

Maybe going forward learn to manage simple things like carrying cash on hand in your pocket or in an inconspicuous travel pouch. You (neither him nor you) should be dependent on each other.

 

Work on a few solutions that are simple, that maintain neutrality and evenness between the both of you. It doesn't need to come to blows or accusations about power or control yet. If you feel helpless, I'd ask yourself why you feel that way and what you can do reverse that or balance any imbalances between the both of you. Control is taken but it cannot be taken from you if you know how to manage yourself. Work on the little things. I think the most important thing is both of you continue to respect each other too.

 

Well I paid for both my float and his float and I have always been carried money with me just in case. I always contribute my share because I understand men don't like to feel being taken advantage of. I have to admit that I don't have many financial responsibilities like he does since I don't have car loans or student loans or any loans. I'm aware of our differences and discussed with him yesterday and it seem fine now. We don't live together though. I'll see him this weekend and go from there.

[lanna0507]

I actually think he's a financially healthy influence on you.

 

It really depends on your choices regarding how you prefer to save or spend your money.

 

Since you're paying, your boyfriend shouldn't squawk about ice cream and other prices or costs. Just remember that being with a tightwad later will cause arguments in a long term relationship or marriage. I like to save money just like the next person, however, I despise being with anyone who is cheap.

 

…

...

Just know who you're with and if you can't agree financially, you'll have uncomfortable, unpleasant, endless fights over this. Make sure you're on the same page regarding money, how you spend and save it.

 

I totally see your point. My big concern is how we will handle money in a long term since now we're only dating and not married yet. We have our own separate account. I'm totally fine with him being financially responsible but sometimes he's being so greedy on savings on little things while we should relax and have fun. That's the thing I don't know he's being tight with his money now because he has many financial burdens that need to be taken care of and perhaps he will change once he paid off his loans and earn more money in the future. I heard that people never change and I should love him for who he is now instead of the illusion of who he will become in the future.

[boltnrun]

He has financial obligations. You don't.

 

Of course you're going to think it's fine to spend money on trivial things. You have nothing to pay off!

[Gary Snyder]

I totally get his point but he saying that make me feel he cares about money more than me. Of course it's good to consider for big purchases, but for small purchases under $20 like that I don't think it's necessary.

 

- I agree. If he's worried about a $7 ice cream and ten dollar drink float on a date/vacation, him, you, or both of you need to get better jobs.

 

In relationships, women like a generous man and they like him to pay for dates. It's romantic, and women need romance to stay in love with a man. And he should not be bringing up talk about money on a date/vacation - that's unromantic also. He just does not understand this.

 

This might seem trivial to some, but your love level is dropping and it's dangerous for the relationship.

 

But if you are both in college, it might be tough to do.

[reinventmyself]

In relationships, women like a generous man and they like him to pay for dates

 

 

What kind of women are you dating??

[reinventmyself]

This debates swing from being frugal to being irresponsible. You are either one or the other.

But it misses the wide divide between the two.

[Rose Mosse]

I more or less agree with GS about the love levels dropping. I'm sorry, OP, I think your differences are not very significant in the larger scheme of things. You're making a mountain of a molehill and I don't like saying that. I see your concerns with money but we're not talking about large debts (his debts) you're on the hook for, there aren't any large sums of money missing and he's not really arguing with you. Both of you just have differences in opinion and differences in what you deem worth your dollar. As a couple you will find that you will have different interests and even married, you will continue to engage and fund your different interests.

 

If what you're really looking for is a man who agrees with you all the time, this man just isn't it. He's got his own set of opinions just like you do. I don't think it should be so difficult to accept someone else who thinks differently from you on $7 to $10 matters. Try not to box each other up or over-worry about things that are not really any of your business. You should be encouraging each others' strengths. His strength is in thinking outside the box in order to get the same quality of product for a better price. Yours is in having fun. Combine that and start working together. I think you could have a lot more fun together without breaking each other down.

[itsallgrand]

I agree with Rose here ^.

 

I honestly do not get why you are so annoyed with him over this. If anyone has anything to worry about here, it's him, as he is self sufficient and you are still living in a nest. That you'd get upset that he's not keen to throw money around, would set my alarm bells ringing.

[lanna0507]

I agree with Rose here ^.

 

I honestly do not get why you are so annoyed with him over this. If anyone has anything to worry about here, it's him, as he is self sufficient and you are still living in a nest. That you'd get upset that he's not keen to throw money around, would set my alarm bells ringing.

 

I would appreciate your opinion but I think it's not nice to assume that I still live in a nest just because I don't have any debts? I have a full time job and pay my expenses like other people. My boyfriend and I both have decent job, all though we each don't make 6 figure income yet but still be able to live comfortably on our own. I agreed with Rose as well on suggesting the solution and change my perspective about his principal on money. I'm aware of our differences and I like her approach with positive mindset and I thanks for that.

[lanna0507]

- I agree. If he's worried about a $7 ice cream and ten dollar drink float on a date/vacation, him, you, or both of you need to get better jobs.

 

In relationships, women like a generous man and they like him to pay for dates. It's romantic, and women need romance to stay in love with a man. And he should not be bringing up talk about money on a date/vacation - that's unromantic also. He just does not understand this.

 

This might seem trivial to some, but your love level is dropping and it's dangerous for the relationship.

 

But if you are both in college, it might be tough to do.

 

Thank you. That's totally how I feel. It's about romance and my natural instinct likes to have a man pay for little thing or at least be easy going with how I spend for small treats. I didn't ask him to pay for it but he still gave his opinions on how I should spend money. Every time he does that he turns me off.

[Rose Mosse]

Is it possible, do you think, for you to resist that first feeling of irritation with him and be open to discussion opinions (both yours and his) about spending money? I think this is the only way through this. Another way around it is to joke about it and lighten up the situation more often. When one partner feels they have to take responsibility for something and have a stronger opinion, it may mean that there is not enough of a balance between the both of you (equal responsibility or willingness to come together).

 

You do not always have to agree on every dollar. Are you open also to letting him speak his mind and making light of non-useful comments coming from him? You might have to be a little tougher or grow a thicker skin. He should be permitted to speak his mind around you and vice versa.

[bluecastle]

Interesting thread, this one.

 

As you can see from the responses, money is a touchy topic. One person's definition of frugality is another's of responsibility, what one person sees as reasonable another deems reckless, your mountain is another's mole hill, and so on.

 

I get where you're coming from, I think. Being frank? While I totally respect your boyfriend's approach—be it a reaction to debts, an extension of upbringing, or simply where he finds comfort, or even thrill, when it comes to finances—I would struggle with it. Would likely not be something I could partner up with harmoniously, though I probably wouldn't have known that at 25.

 

No judgement about better or worse, but this is just something I very much know about myself. I'm a guy who gets the $7 ice cream without thinking—and while that ice cream is a triviality in a vacuum, it's connected to personal value of mine that is just as important as financial stability: am emphasis on and prioritization of joy. I don't find penny pinching joyful. I don't find looking for deals, chasing sales, keeping spreadsheets, and spending much time at all thinking about money to be joyful. So I don't do these things. Call me reckless. My ship is sound, built for short term fun (the ice cream) and longterm voyages (I own two homes, have savings, don't come from money, and make compromises that others would consider absurd in the name of keeping my overhead low).

 

That said, I understand other's have a different approach—and even find joy in matters I find joyless. My aunt, for instance. She is 70, well-off, but she counts everything down to the dollar and is always, always looking for a way to save: a dime, a nickel, $10, whatever. I travel with her occasionally on family trips, and, while I love her, I find her exhausting to be around. Her husband of 30 plus years, however? He is the same way, and together they have a blast: a blast bemoaning the up-charge at the restaurant overlooking the water, a blast walking to the restaurant "with better food!" down the alley a mile off the main drag, a blast feeling like the world is out to scam them of their money, a blast feeling like they're scamming the world right back. Good for them.

 

Point being? Their attitudes about money line up on that, to a T. In other matters, of course, I'm sure their attitudes differ, clash, and they've learned to coexist in harmony with those differences—or maybe didn't even have to "learn," since for whatever reason it wasn't a big deal, and that's just as much an ingredient in their compatibility as their obsession with saving a dollar.

 

For you, I think, it just comes down to whether or not you can accept what is a real gap in your attitudes about money. He may very well just be like this, long after paying off the big debts and snagging the big salary, just like you may very well be how you are even as life delivers bigger responsibilities. I can't help by think that, at the moment, part of why this is such a big deal for both of you is that you're still young, new to adulthood, carving out your identities, so when one person fails to mirror the other it triggers doubts, a scratching of the record. Time and experience have a way of changing this, softening it: thickening the skin, as well as getting us better tuned into the things that really poke the skin so we can avoid them.

 

I like Rose's advice above, about resisting the urge to be irritated and instead chat, lightly, and even joke, lightly. That's an important skill in any relationship, though so is knowing what we need, what we can't budge on, what we can't be turned on by. At the end of the day it's your inner compass that can only determine that.

[reinventmyself]

My boyfriend will save every receipt and if he feels the crackers he bought are too stale, he'll make the trip back to the market and return them. I can't blame him. It makes sense - to him.

 

To me however, I figure in my time . .the hour it takes to get there and back. . add in the gas. I consider my time much more valuable than that and I'd toss them in the trash and do without crackers.

 

Neither is wrong. It's just a difference.

 

It goes sideways when you're using muscle to try to influence another to see things your way. Because you're way isn't necessarily right. Just respect your differences and compromise when needed.

[itsallgrand]

I would appreciate your opinion but I think it's not nice to assume that I still live in a nest just because I don't have any debts? I have a full time job and pay my expenses like other people. My boyfriend and I both have decent job, all though we each don't make 6 figure income yet but still be able to live comfortably on our own. I agreed with Rose as well on suggesting the solution and change my perspective about his principal on money. I'm aware of our differences and I like her approach with positive mindset and I thanks for that.

 

Are you living with your parents?

[Rose Mosse]

I really like the idea of ice cream. The funny part is that on our last weekend getaway I bought ice cream for both of us. It was a bit more expensive because it was sugar free and I was the cheapo-thinking one who requested we walk down a bit further to see what other options there were. It turns out the second shop we came into had higher prices but also a larger selection (the sugar free options). We both were tickled about the sugar free options and enjoyed multiple scoops laughing away like kids. It was my treat and I paid the whatever $20 of ice cream.

 

I'm not sure why I'm remembering this now and didn't share it earlier. Sorry. Don't worry, OP! There's a light at the end of this. I think more ice cream always helps.

[abitbroken]

My ex "kept up appearances" and would put money in his pocket to eat out with friends or eating out on the way to the grocery store over saving it for the future, or even a larger purchase or even use it to buy healthier food. He never seemed to have any money when it came down to the important stuff. With my guy now, i sort of would say 'oh, let's stop and pick up an iced lemonade while we are out" and he would disagree. Instead we bring water or whatever snacks we anticipate with us. Guess who has saved money and has an emergency fund and who didn't?

 

I think the boyfriend is making "grownup choices". If you can buy a better quality thing for less money, feel more satisfied about it and have money left over, why wouldn't you do it? the ice cream stand was like buying candy at the movies. its a zillion times the price of buying it at the drug store or the grocery store. Its an impulsive choice that might feel good for about 5 minutes - and then you don't have enough money to do other things. 100s of tiny choices is why he can pay for grad school. Lots of the wealthiest people - Warren Buffett, the late Ross Perot who were self- made lived the same way. Buffett lives in the same house he and his wife purchased after getting married. he does not live in a mansion. And Ross Perot was famous for his $8 haircuts he got.

[Jibralta]

My boyfriend and I are dating almost 2 years and we're both 25. He treats me very well like making time for me, take me out to eat and help my family on some errands. We have same value about financial stability, family, marriage and having kids in the near future. The only issue I have with him is I'm more generous when it comes with money. He's very financially responsible paying for his rent, car loan and tuition for grad school. He always do cost/benefits analysis on any purchase to make sure it worth his money and if he actually needs it before buying something. I totally understand where he's coming from but sometimes i think it's too much. For example, when we went on vacation together, I saw an ice-cream stand and it cost $7 per ice cream so he told me to walk for another 10 min to get a cheaper ice cream with better quality (Ben & Jerry). Or another time, we went water tubing together and I wanted to rent the cooler float to leave our drinks and snacks. It costs $10 but my boyfriend said there's no need to spend extra money he can holds those things which I disagreed because the point is being relax on the river and we don't want to hold many things to ourselves. I totally get his point but he saying that make me feel he cares about money more than me. Of course it's good to consider for big purchases, but for small purchases under $20 like that I don't think it's necessary. It got me very upset and I can't stop my negative feeling about his action. I discussed with him but he said he just gave me his opinion and he doesn't see anything wrong with that. My personality is being carefree when it comes to doing fun things and going on vacation. It's been almost 2 years and i keep seeing this pattern of behavior repeated and I still can't accept him for who he is. Of course it's impossible to change a person but I tried to re-wire my brain to justify his intention but this habit of him still irritates me. What should I do?

 

I feel your pain a little on this, because I like to spend money and my boyfriend does not. He often puts the brakes on my plans to buy expensive dinners, stay at nice hotels, etc. I find it extremely annoying, of course. But he's not altogether wrong, and it's not altogether a bad thing. So, I get past it.

 

I think you should stop framing it as "he loves money more than he loves me." That sort of thinking is going to damage your relationship.

 

If you want the floating drink stand, buy the floating drink stand. Don't hurt a good relationship over this.

[Batya33]

I feel your pain a little on this, because I like to spend money and my boyfriend does not. He often puts the brakes on my plans to buy expensive dinners, stay at nice hotels, etc. I find it extremely annoying, of course. But he's not altogether wrong, and it's not altogether a bad thing. So, I get past it.

 

I think you should stop framing it as "he loves money more than he loves me." That sort of thinking is going to damage your relationship.

 

If you want the floating drink stand, buy the floating drink stand. Don't hurt a good relationship over this.

 

Yes this - I love this mindset of kind of "choose your battles" and let certain things slide.

 

We were near an expensive beach town this summer and walked around there (we stayed at a less expensive part of town). We all love ice cream. We went to a shop that was recommended and a small -which was one tiny scoop -was $5 and the regular was $7. My son who is 10 said he wouldn't take the $5 one (and he was right -it was ridiculously small!). So I said then we have to leave. We're not spending at least $21 on ice cream -we have our half gallons back at home where we can be in 20 minutes (since we were ready to leave). Yes, he didn't have the instant gratification of ice cream then and had to wait 20 minutes but after complaining some he totally got it (and I know this because he would have gone on an Ice Cream Strike had he still been mad when we got home).

 

My husband and I have some money quirks - like he will pass up buying ___ brand of ice cream if he number crunches and the one on sale -which we also like - saves us 50 cents at the supermarket - but he's also fine with ordering extra food if we go out for dinner and want to try a certain soup or side dish (yes, we do take home leftovers but he's fine even if not). And I can't stand if I'm overcharged by twenty-five cents but will easily throw out leftovers if I'm not 100% sure they're safe to eat (my husband has a lower threshhold and part is not to waste food). Small stuff -but can be annoying at times. I'm sure I annoy him at least "at times.". So unless it's a drastic divide what you describe can be worked on IMO - you can come up with an amount of $ where you don't have to share with the other if you want to purchase something and you're both allowed to make respectful suggestions. Many many situations like this will come up with vacations -for example - one person wants to buy trip insurance for the hotel or airfare because you're risk averse and the other points out that that adds ___ percentage to the cost and it's not worth it. It's just called life.

 

(and yes I agree with your bf on the ice cream FWIW!).

[Sportster2005]

I agree with Rose here ^.

 

I honestly do not get why you are so annoyed with him over this. If anyone has anything to worry about here, it's him, as he is self sufficient and you are still living in a nest. That you'd get upset that he's not keen to throw money around, would set my alarm bells ringing.

 

Someone who wanted to spend more of my time to save a few cents would set my alarm bells ringing. Nothing is more valuable than time. I'm not criticizing, I'm pointing out the differences people have to the OP.

 

OP this isn't about money. The money is a symptom, not the cause. The cause is you see and live life differently. IMHO he's a joyless tightwad, to others he's the model of responsibility. People are going to see it differently. The important thing is, how do you see it? You wouldn't be here if you were happy about it.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. He sounds penny-wise, pound-foolish. You are not talking about buying a house, car, $3000 tv on a whim, you are talking about being on vacation and a few bucks for ice cream. Yes, penny-pinchers are more of a mindset than a financial strategy. Ironically it never makes them wealthy or more secure, just miserable.