Bf and I have different money footprint

[Batya33]

Someone who wanted to spend more of my time to save a few cents would set my alarm bells ringing. Nothing is more valuable than time. I'm not criticizing, I'm pointing out the differences people have to the OP.

 

OP this isn't about money. The money is a symptom, not the cause. The cause is you see and live life differently. IMHO he's a joyless tightwad, to others he's the model of responsibility. People are going to see it differently. The important thing is, how do you see it? You wouldn't be here if you were happy about it.

 

For a few cents, yes - and yes time especially on vacay can be precious -and there are other important things too -like enjoying yourself and not feeling like you're being taken for a ride (like we were this summer at a tourist trap restaurant where $7 extra was slapped on the bill for a third plate (for our child to share a large pizza, and for a "price change" of bottled water since there was apparently no tap water there) - I insisted we pay and just suck it up because it was a foreign country and my husband did that but was upset at being scammed like that and was tempted to spend the time to see justice done. I can see both sides. And, for example, some people get an Uber/taxi to save time on vacay and to me, if it's going to mean a much higher cost than public transportation or walking further -I see that additional time as getting more of the local flavor. So yes, time and even that is subjective. Also depends whether you have a child with you and want to teach him that you don't just spend $20 on three scoops of ice cream that's not that special of a 20 minute delay will save that much. 20 minutes is so so long to a child. Again subective.

[Belle]

When he tries to debate or analyze the cost of something, just say thank you and buy what you please.

 

I am pretty conservative with my finances, but my boyfriend is a little like yours. I don't need his permission and though it sometimes irks me (a little like you) I choose my battles and honestly, if want to spend $7 on an ice cream, I will. My boyfriend knows this. It's his choice to walk another block to get his own.

 

Just try to shake it off and be thankful he's not the extreme opposite. I was married to a debt'ohlic, so I remind myself that this much more preferable, any day.

 

I think this is great advice. I am also conservative with my finances. However, I don't think I go to the extremes that your bf does. I wouldn't throw the baby out with the bath water though. You can influence him to loosen up. Until then, do what you want if you're paying. And the worse problem is someone who is a spendthrift or someone who doesn't have good financial sense. Even when they make a lot of money, they aren't good at maximizing its potential and it doesn't stick around long.

[Batya33]

Was having trouble seeing the later pages.

[Jibralta]

Was having trouble seeing the later pages.

 

Me too. And on another thread, still.

[Batya33]

Thanks! Thought it was just me!

[abitbroken]

btw, if you still live with your folks and he is in grad school and living on his own, you will think differently if you had bills like he does. just sayin

[j.man]

Someone who wanted to spend more of my time to save a few cents would set my alarm bells ringing. Nothing is more valuable than time. I'm not criticizing, I'm pointing out the differences people have to the OP.

 

OP this isn't about money. The money is a symptom, not the cause. The cause is you see and live life differently. IMHO he's a joyless tightwad, to others he's the model of responsibility. People are going to see it differently. The important thing is, how do you see it? You wouldn't be here if you were happy about it.

Really? This evidenced just by the guy preferring to walk a half-mile for both better and cheaper ice cream, and him preferring to keep his beer in his lap in the tube rather than buy a floating cooler? I mean, walking and doing **** is pretty much part-and-parcel what a date is. I don't see how he's foregoing any sense of value walking a few extra minutes with someone he's into and having the added benefit of decent ice cream along with it. And having tubed many times, I didn't even know these coolers were a thing. I'd be embarrassed to be the couple who considered holding their drink to be too much of a creature comfort, never mind one of us actually paying to avoid it.

 

Not getting a flu shot at the pharmacy because it's $10 that could go elsewhere is obsessive penny-pinching. Nothing the OP has written is. That's not saying she's not entitled to her preferences, but slighting the guy seems unfair.

[itsallgrand]

Thanks! Thought it was just me!

 

Me too. Just seeing the new responses now.

[Batya33]

Nevermind I got it.

[abitbroken]

Really? This evidenced just by the guy preferring to walk a half-mile for both better and cheaper ice cream, and him preferring to keep his beer in his lap in the tube rather than buy a floating cooler? I mean, walking and doing **** is pretty much part-and-parcel what a date is. I don't see how he's foregoing any sense of value walking a few extra minutes with someone he's into and having the added benefit of decent ice cream along with it. And having tubed many times, I didn't even know these coolers were a thing. I'd be embarrassed to be the couple who considered holding their drink to be too much of a creature comfort, never mind one of us actually paying to avoid it.

 

Not getting a flu shot at the pharmacy because it's $10 that could go elsewhere is obsessive penny-pinching. Nothing the OP has written is. That's not saying she's not entitled to her preferences, but slighting the guy seems unfair.

 

Yeah, my whole argument is that there is a REASON he can afford grad school. Allocating money to what is more important is about 100s of tiny decisions every day.

 

That $12 you saved on ice cream by walking to the good stuff vs the cheapo stuff that's mostly chemicals, etc, not paying $20 for a cooler you don't even get to keep that you will use just for an hour or two, etc., is the difference (btw, ben and jerry's is not cheap ice cream its pretty $$ but quality over quantity) . He would have said "let's go to the grocery store and buy ice cream to eat here" if he was cheap. Or "let's go get ice from the ice maker instead."

 

if he juggles his rent, bills, and grad school by himself, he has some aspirations and is doing something right.

[katrina1980]

 

IMHO he's a joyless tightwad, to others he's the model of responsibility.

People are going to see it differently. The important thing is, how do you see it?

 

@j.man, well in Sportster's defense, he did say IMHO. :)

[Wiseman2]

Dumpster diving on dates is where I would draw the line.🤢💰

[boltnrun]

Dumpster diving on dates is where I would draw the line.🤢💰

 

Ha! My ex husband took me to Denny's on my birthday because you get a free meal on your birthday. Yes, that's a true story.

 

Now, if he'd had a Groupon I wouldn't have looked sideways because I like to save money too. But really, a free Denny's meal??

[katrina1980]

Ha! My ex husband took me to Denny's on my birthday because you get a free meal on your birthday. Yes, that's a true story.

 

Now, if he'd had a Groupon I wouldn't have looked sideways because I like to save money too. But really, a free Denny's meal??

 

Was he your husband at the time? Or were you just dating?

 

I dunno, that's pretty cheap regardless, tbh I would rather we go nowhere, or eat in with him buying or making a sweet b'day card over that any day!

 

Assumimg money was tight.

[Batya33]

Ha! My ex husband took me to Denny's on my birthday because you get a free meal on your birthday. Yes, that's a true story.

 

Now, if he'd had a Groupon I wouldn't have looked sideways because I like to save money too. But really, a free Denny's meal??

 

You know I'm all for milking the birthday and making sure you get the free ice cream cone, free Denny's if you like that sort of thing -but not as "the" celebration!

[boltnrun]

Was he your husband at the time? Or were you just dating?

 

I dunno, that's pretty cheap regardless, tbh I would rather we go nowhere, or eat in with him buying or making a sweet b'day card over that any day!

 

Assumimg money was tight.

 

No, money was not tight. And yes, we were married. Before we married he was a lot more willing to shell out a few bucks. And since I'm frugal I never wanted nor expected an expensive, lavish dinner. But free? Come on now.

 

PS: nothing for Mother's Day either. His excuse? "You're not MY mother!"

[Batya33]

No, money was not tight. And yes, we were married. Before we married he was a lot more willing to shell out a few bucks. And since I'm frugal I never wanted nor expected an expensive, lavish dinner. But free? Come on now.

 

PS: nothing for Mother's Day either. His excuse? "You're not MY mother!"

 

OK that's just ridiculous. And what it shows your child/children too. Glad you have moved on from him and I'm sorry.

[SarahLancaster]

Someone who wanted to spend more of my time to save a few cents would set my alarm bells ringing. Nothing is more valuable than time. I'm not criticizing, I'm pointing out the differences people have to the OP.

 

OP this isn't about money. The money is a symptom, not the cause. The cause is you see and live life differently. IMHO he's a joyless tightwad, to others he's the model of responsibility. People are going to see it differently. The important thing is, how do you see it? You wouldn't be here if you were happy about it.

 

You're absolutely correct that people see money issues differently. I have a relative who is an excessive penny-pincher and it's really annoying, especially when we're planning things together. And it's not like he can't afford it. But that's the way he is. We all have different attitudes when it comes to money. The key is to respect the other person's preferences.

[lanna0507]

Thanks everyone for your advise and opinions. My bf and I had a very productive discussion. I think the best way to handle it is being aware of our differences and accepting him for who he is. I thought about it a lot and decided to love him and not expecting to change him and I will handle the situation better next time by being more understanding of his perspective. He said that he doesn't like the feeling of being scammed and taken advantaged of, not that he didn't love me and didn't want to spend extra money on me. In fact he always treats me well and fair by buying little gifts for me all the time and cooking for me. He also agrees that he's greedy sometimes on how much he can save so he will be less opinionated in the future. So hopefully this will help to handle the issue. I think we shouldn't change people but love them for who they are so it makes them feel valuable to you. Once you accepting them, your love will help to influence and change people on their own will.

[Wiseman2]

Ah the old "the love of money is the root of all evil" thing. Unfortunately your love will not change or influence him. Some people are quite proud of their cheap, stingy and frugal personalities. Of course it has nothing to do with money, economics or finances. It has to do with personalities.

 

The fact that he thinks he's being "scammed" when ice creme is a few bucks more on vacation or spends a penny or a dollar more in convenience settings is quite a red flag. These are the people who spend hours running around to get it cheaper and in fact waste more on gas and valuable time than it's worth. This is often a can't see the forest for the trees problem.

 

You are just dating, so be observant. This is not the time to plan a future or continue on your quest to change him. This is the time to realize his money attitudes and basic personality run deep and will not change with your love.. Internet memes and platitudes like this are giving you dangerous false hopes.

He also agrees that he's greedy sometimes on how much he can save

 

Once you accepting them, your love will help to influence and change people on their own will.

[abitbroken]

Thanks everyone for your advise and opinions. My bf and I had a very productive discussion. I think the best way to handle it is being aware of our differences and accepting him for who he is. I thought about it a lot and decided to love him and not expecting to change him and I will handle the situation better next time by being more understanding of his perspective. He said that he doesn't like the feeling of being scammed and taken advantaged of, not that he didn't love me and didn't want to spend extra money on me. In fact he always treats me well and fair by buying little gifts for me all the time and cooking for me. He also agrees that he's greedy sometimes on how much he can save so he will be less opinionated in the future. So hopefully this will help to handle the issue. I think we shouldn't change people but love them for who they are so it makes them feel valuable to you. Once you accepting them, your love will help to influence and change people on their own will.

 

Are you living with your parents, or are you on your own and paying for school?

 

If someone sees something they want to buy you for $50, but another place has it for $30 and he goes across the street to get it, and then is able to buy you additional presents with the money he saved.....i don't think that's annoying :)

[bluecastle]

I think Wise is pretty spot on here.

 

The "scammed" thing caught my eye too. That's an attitude, personality type, one you click with, clash with, or can genuinely learn to live with. Trying to change it, either through confrontation/communication or through the magic of love is likely a recipe for frustration.

 

Reminds me of my aunt, who is kind of obsessed with idea that she is being "scammed." Travel with her and she delivers monologues about how the restaurants with views are trying to "rip you off," which she'll find "work arounds" to—like opting to go to a grocery store and eating something out of a bag on the steps next to the restaurant.

 

My aunt is 70, has money, mortgages paid in full, an adult child who is a self-sufficient tenured professor, no reason to fret or pinch. But fret and pinch she does, because that's who she is. Her husband of 30 plus years? He is the same way. So, together, they have a blast, moving through the world together dodging scams, taking pleasure in staying in dodgy hotels and dissing the nicer ones, always on the offensive, getting the same buzz from a "deal" as some get from ice cream. They work. Good match.

 

From a distance I find it sweet. But it's grating to me up close. I traveled with them to Iceland a few years ago, and my memory of that trip is of them constantly, constantly talking about how expensive Iceland was. Which it is. Because it's an island made of ice and it's expensive to get stuff there. Which is, to me, the least interesting thing about Iceland, something you learn before going, so all the riffing about money made it hard for me to relax. No more trips like that. My mom (her sister) felt the same way. My mom is more like me, laidback about money. Probably I inherited her attitude.

 

Point being, while some of us can praise OP's boyfriend's approach, and others may cringe, what matters is whether it's genuinely workable between the two of them. It wouldn't be for me. It might not be for you, OP. You're just dating right now, not trying to "make it work" for the sake of the kids, the mortgage, which is kind of the tone you're taking.

 

So keep loving him, enjoying him, seeing if you guys can gel, genuinely, on these matters. No need to keep writing lofty stories that are still built around changing him, or changing yourself, in order for something that isn't so cool to feel cool. That, more often than not, is how people find themselves, down the line, trying to "make it work" once the stakes are higher.

[katrina1980]

Ah the old "the love of money is the root of all evil" thing. Unfortunately your love will not change or influence him. Some people are quite proud of their cheap, stingy and frugal personalities. Of course it has nothing to do with money, economics or finances. It has to do with personalities.

 

The fact that he thinks he's being "scammed" when ice creme is a few bucks more on vacation or spends a penny or a dollar more in convenience settings is quite a red flag. These are the people who spend hours running around to get it cheaper and in fact waste more on gas and valuable time than it's worth. This is often a can't see the forest for the trees problem.

 

You are just dating, so be observant. This is not the time to plan a future or continue on your quest to change him. This is the time to realize his money attitudes and basic personality run deep and will not change with your love.. Internet memes and platitudes like this are giving you dangerous false hopes.

 

My sentiments exactly, well said Wise!

 

My goodness you were on vacation and it was ice cream.

 

I could never and would never date anyone so uptight about a few extra bucks while on vacay or not, but your call OP.

 

And believing he was being scammed? Uh, just no.

 

Good luck with that.

[itsallgrand]

What stands out to me, and has since the beginning of this thread, is that she connects money spent on her to being loved.

[katrina1980]

What stands out to me, and has since the beginning of this thread, is that she connects money spent on her to being loved.

 

Many women do though, so that's not unusual.

 

As evidenced by the mindset many women have that the man pay in early stages (and even thereafter), as to them him paying, his generosity, reflects his interest.

 

Not debating whether or not that mindset is correct, but it is how many women feel.