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Everything posted by Belle

  1. I can see what you mean about unpleasant memories. It’s been so long I had to read why we broke up. I don’t harbor the resentment I had back then and he wasn’t a bad guy. He just had some unhealthy defenses. I am awfully curious to see what’s happened in all of this time.
  2. Thanks for sharing. The last paragraph really resonated. I get the impression that you understand where I’m at.
  3. Gosh there’s so much negativity in your post. Do you come here to be a Debbie downer and tell yourself you’re trying to help people? I’m dating and moving forward. I’m not in a relationship and until I find a healthy partner I will continue to date. I am thinking the projection is coming more from you. Ask yourself why you are so incensed that I dare date other people. Pretty unreasonable from my perspective
  4. I do remember why we broke up. Fortunately I wrote it here and went and found it before I decided to meet him. Don’t worry about me. I have no rose colored glasses for him. But he’s not a bad person to be friends with either.
  5. Thanks Cherylyn but I'm not a black and white thinker. I don't see anything wrong with being friends with exes. In terms of rekindling, he's Bob Hope's cousin. No Hope.
  6. In the past year since I left my ex fiancé, I have had 5 exes reach out to me. I am actually going to have drinks with the one before my ex fiancé. I am seeing it as catching up and a distraction. I have other dates lined up this week and next. It's feast or famine in dating. Regardless of all of these distractions, I can't help but recognize that I'm still attached to the guy that I dated last. I don't know if it's limerence or if he simply is just a better person than all of my exes. I wish he had made it easier for me to move on. Instead he pulled a d*** move by being unselfish. I'm still hooked. :/ I guess moving forward is just one foot in front of the other.
  7. OP - 1) Realize that the quicker that you move through this obstacle, the closer you will move towards the right person for you. 2) Don't take this personally. It doesn't matter if you were a rebound. Your inherent value did not disappear even if you were. Just try to learn the cues of a guy that is overly attentive because he might be in rebound mode. 3) Don't spend your emotional capital on guys that aren't meant for you. You don't want to be worn out and cynical when the right guy shows up. The longer you waste grieving what's not supposed to be, the longer it takes you to find the right person. I don't know how old you are, but this is especially important if you want kids. 4) Be thankful that he moved on, even if rejection hurts like a b***. This is his way of saying that you were missing an incompatibility and it wouldn't have worked out anyway. And you would have wasted time. God will give you something better than you thought you could choose for yourself, if you let go of those men that don't work out.
  8. Rose - I have definitely sharpened my radar for the guys that aren't really relationship material. Those that are capable, but not right now can be more challenging. You can see that they have an elevated level of emotional maturity but aren't ready to work for it yet. On another note, a guy I dated over 7 years ago that was emotionally unavailable, took a "break" and then came back only for me to tell him no is reaching out to me again. He was very good looking, successful, no kids and we had a lot in common. He was a year out of his divorce though and was in no way ready for a relationship. I'm curious to catch up with him. I suspect that it wasn't just his divorce that made him emotionally unavailable, but I guess I can talk to him and find out. This is the 5th "ex" (he was a short term so not technically an ex) that has reached out to me in the last year since I left my ex fiancé. 3 of them I hadn't heard from in 7-8 years, 2 over a decade. There must be a full moon for exes..
  9. I love this. The latter part is the hard part. Staying vulnerable when you might actually have something to lose because this one is different than the others.
  10. You are preaching to the choir waffle. Except I am not happy single. My one regret is that when I was younger I didn't date enough. I was a serial monogamist and after I ended a couple of relationships, I took 3 years to get over each. Then I would date to find someone (not dating a number of people to see who was most compatible.) Then i'd find that person didn't work either. Those were years that I should have been finding the father of my kids but I was overly sentimental and believed there was this stupid thing called "soul mate." So, so foolish. Also, I let work take over my life during the same period.
  11. Ok now you're scaring. You make me want to run back to the last guy I dated. i hope you're at least making friends at the meetups. :)
  12. I found dating in my 20's much easier and a lot more fun than in my 30's or 40's. The guys were better looking, in shape and had lots of hair. lol I don't think I missed the boat. Some others here seem to think so but I'm not convinced. There are a lot of single people out there. It is unfortunate that it appears that there are a lot of single people that aren't necessarily capable of or want to have healthy relationships. That's what is dismaying.
  13. I'm finding that some of those catches are getting divorced for whatever reason. But they tend to jump right back into the next relationship because many men that have been married a long time don't like being alone.
  14. Rose - I just came back from a break. Sigh. It would be more worthwhile if I met people that ended up being friends but that's not happening either. I know I'm picky, but I'm not yet ready to settle. It sounds like you didn't, you just had to wait a while.
  15. Rose - I feel lucky that so far, it's been pretty obvious. One guy tried to argue me out of wanting to get married again. I thought, perhaps you should find a woman who doesn't want to get married again. Others can show high attraction but lack warmth (avoidant never married's). Highly introverted guys who can't hold a conversation and don't seem interested in human interaction. One guy still very angry at his ex wife. I'm glad they wear they have worn their red flags on their sleeves. I'm not expecting baggage free. I just want someone who has worked through their stuff and is capable of having a healthy relationship. Ok, that's not all I want but that's the starter.
  16. Hi Mirror - I've noticed a large flux of divorced men (and never married) since dating again. I expected it to be a dessert but it's been the opposite. My ex was a man whose wife cheated on him, but it turned out that he wasn't the stable/successful/decent man I thought him to be. But I did consider him because I figured he had probably learned something from his marriage and wasn't the one that caused the divorce. I was wrong. I turned down a widower a long time ago (he was older) because he was trying to use me to fill the void and he never really quite got over her. You cannot compete with a dead woman. Agreed. Most of the guys I have met recently online (and one offline) had issues. If I thought it was a numbers game before, it is even more so now.
  17. Are there other women out there in their 40's that have noticed a lack of emotionally available and healthy single/divorced men? I am dating again, but I've never seen so many men with baggage and issues in my life. Or maybe it's an online thing?
  18. Actually, this seems to be how it works for men. They tend to prefer what is out of reach. I think women are the opposite. We fall in love the longer we know someone. And out of sight, out of mind.
  19. I think this is great advice. I am also conservative with my finances. However, I don't think I go to the extremes that your bf does. I wouldn't throw the baby out with the bath water though. You can influence him to loosen up. Until then, do what you want if you're paying. And the worse problem is someone who is a spendthrift or someone who doesn't have good financial sense. Even when they make a lot of money, they aren't good at maximizing its potential and it doesn't stick around long.
  20. I also know a couple that started out dating during the separation from one of my friends. They have 2 kids and have been together since. But that's not the norm. I hear you on the energy that goes with this. I prefer a guy that is stable and boring. If he weren't in this situation, I believe he'd be that guy. I was on red alert after the kid drop off. That felt pretty bad. I know that if we did decide to try again and there was more of that, I'd have to call it a day. Life is too short for other people's drama.
  21. Yeah. Attention is nice when you're getting divorced or are recently divorced. I myself rebounded after my divorce. I never did again afterwards though. It prevented healing.
  22. You're right. I shouldn't be saying everyone/no one always or never. But many of the posts here have, so I am feeling pressured to adopt that mindset. I don't think I should have dated a separated man, however. I do not think that separated people are nefarious, morally bankrupt people for wanting to date others. I do judge those that think that it's ok to use others to rebound with when they are not in a position to participate. There's a distinction. It was my job to avoid the possibility of being a rebound. I'm not bitter about him. I think he's a good guy, despite the assumptions that some are making on here about him. I could be wrong. I only knew him a few months. But I am clearly scared that the way he treated me would continue if we dated again after his divorce.
  23. Thanks Thatwas. I meant if the person was divorced. I will never consider another separated man. If I didn't know his friend, I would have never done it. He didn't have visitation ironed out. Two of his kids are teenagers and have their own lives and didn't like staying at his house. His wife was trying to overcompensate by having them spend every weekend with him towards the end. I'm assuming this is true. I found him to be overly transparent because of the situation, so I don' t have a reason to think he's lying.
  24. I'm not being naive. It doesn't make sense for a guy to wait 3 months for sex (and willing to wait 6 more) if he was just using me. He came back to have a conversation and apologize and admit that he wasn't available to be in a relationship with what he has going on. I know that people want to be protective, but guys that use women for sex are actually getting it. I didn't pressure him. When I realized that I wasn't going to get my needs met I broke up with him.
  25. I have a date tomorrow with someone that's been divorced for 2 years. He has no ties to his ex. And agreed, the separated man wasn't treating me right. This is why I am reconsidering the future. There is no way to know that he'll treat me any different. I feel that once you set the tone early on in the relationship, it's hard to change the pattern. But I have seen guys take women for granted that get dumped and then get their act together. But there's all of the baggage.
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