Facing abortion or loss of relationship

[Sportster2005]

Get a vasectomy you epitome of a d-bag man-boy.

 

 

She was the dishonest lying one, and he's the d-bag?

 

Hate much?

[ThatwasThen]

She was the dishonest lying one, and he's the d-bag?

 

Hate much?

This isn't about "hate." I don't even know the man but if one is that adamant about not having a child to the point they would leave someone for having one, then THEY should be responsible for their own birth control. She is no better for betraying his trust and I've mentioned both of those things several times now so please don't judge me on what I have said when you have obviously not read everything I've said.

 

this was a deliberate act. He trusted you and that you were using contraception.

... he's the one that didn't want children so he should look after his own protection. Vasectomy and if not, then always wear condoms. Yes she betrayed his trust however see the paragraph above.

FWIW, I tell women all of the time that they should carry their own condoms and be on birth control of some kind if they don't want to get pregnant and to never trust anyone else with that task.

 

I think it would be entirely understandable for him to kick her out if she decides to have the baby under these circumstances and wrong of him to take it out on the baby as in have nothing to do with being a father to the child. The future child did nothing wrong. He might be a good or fabulous father despite not wanting to be with the mother. At the very least he should be given the chance to be involved .

He wants nothing to do with the child. That, more time than not, will not make for a good father.

[charity]

 

I'm not that humble tonight, but oh well. It's just sort of blown my mind the sentiments going round, sort of makes me feel yucky inside, that what she did is almost looked as a minor after thought, no biggie, when we are talking about someone who might raise a human being.

I guess it's all good so long as you have the biological means to pop one out.

 

OP definitely did wrong, no one can dispute that. But many people who have children do wrong in their lives at one point or another and go on to be good enough parents.

[figureitout23]

I always rescue animals or insects that need help. I hate to kill ANYTHING. The GP told me the fetus is just a ball of cells at this stage, but I still feel I will be killing something that is alive. But you cannot be alive if you haven't even been born.

 

Your feelings on alive not alive whatever are completely irrelevant.

 

What are you going to do?

 

Can you live with the fact that you deceived this man to conceive a child? Can he? Are you recognizing the gravity of what you’ve done

 

ETA - the whole spiel about ‘helping insects’ reiterating what your GP said... it just seems like inflammatory language, trying to rile people up, starting to wonder if our legs are being pulled.

 

As I said earlier, I can’t imagine a grown woman purposefully stopping birth control not thinking about what she would do if her actions resulted in pregnancy, it would take a lot for me to believe that and honestly if it’s true, I wonder how well you would handle motherhood given you really don’t seem to think ahead, I mean no offense when I say this because again, I’m staring to think our legs are being pulled, all this is just so off the wall.

 

If true, why is your focus not on what you’re going to do?

 

And my last question: what are you going to do?

[Batya33]

This isn't about "hate." I don't even know the man but if one is that adamant about not having a child to the point they would leave someone for having one, then THEY should be responsible for their own birth control. She is no better for betraying his trust and I've mentioned both of those things several times now so please don't judge me on what I have said when you have obviously not read everything I've said.

 

 

... he's the one that didn't want children so he should look after his own protection. Vasectomy and if not, then always wear condoms. Yes she betrayed his trust however see the paragraph above.

FWIW, I tell women all of the time that they should carry their own condoms and be on birth control of some kind if they don't want to get pregnant and to never trust anyone else with that task.

 

He wants nothing to do with the child. That, more time than not, will not make for a good father.

 

I understand that now he does not. If that continues then certainly that should be taken into account. People can change so he should be given the opportunity to pay child support and have a relationship with the child, the limits of which they can figure out at the time this happens. I do think that yes he should have protected himself too -certainly when I knew I did not want to be pregnant we used double protection (pill plus condom with spermicide) - and at the same time in a serious relationship you should be able to trust your partner not to force you into parenthood.

[ThatwasThen]

and at the same time in a serious relationship you should be able to trust your partner not to force you into parenthood.

Yes, that has been pointed out several times by me and others... however: You should never trust your partner if they have voiced on more than one occasion that they want children when you are adamant that you do not. There are ways he could have made sure he never had children that didn't make it his partners responsibility.

[katrina1980]

I would say that a man who feels repulsed at just the sight of seeing a woman pregnant, which your bf has conveyed to you, about you, would not be a man you should even consider getting anywhere near your child.

 

I would never trust a man around my child, even if he is the biological father, who feels such hatred and repulsion as your bf has expressed.

 

And NO I would not count on him changing or feeling differently once child is born, in fact I wouldn't even take the chance of finding out.

 

I would have the baby, and good riddance to him.

 

He's made himself very clear, he dislikes children, doesn't want children, pressuring you to have an abortion, period, end of.

 

Don't risk your child's safety hoping he will change, when a man hates children so much that he is repulsed by just the sight of a woman pregnant, and you want children, you wish him well and WALK.

[katrina1980]

Yes, that has been pointed out several times by me and others... however: You should never trust your partner if they have voiced on more than one occasion that they want children when you are adamant that you do not. There are ways he could have made sure he never had children that didn't make it his partners responsibility.

 

I agree and frankly am shocked that feeling the way he does, to the degree that he does, he has not gotten a vasectomy.

 

Or otherwise secured his own birth control, including always using condoms, pulling out before ejaculation, there are other protections afforded to men as well.

 

Something is just not jiving about that.

[Rose Mosse]

You'll just have to make a decision that you can be proud of going forward and think long term. Going over the injustices of it isn't going to help you because it's past tense. Figure out what you need to do now that will give you a sense of peace and ability to move forward. Plenty of mothers have had unplanned (or planned) pregnancies only to raise healthy and happy children as single parents or learned to make things work.

 

If you choose not to go ahead with the pregnancy, you'll need to own it and be at peace with your own actions and decisions. It's not healthy to place that blame on anyone else as it's your body too. Your life, your body, your decisions. Own all of that and resist feeling powerless. I don't think it's healthy or wise and it makes a person helpless and crippled in their non-decisions. You are above all everything that you believe in and should believe in for your future (whether there's a child or not). Don't be paralyzed by fear. Start getting in touch with your convictions and your beliefs and imagine yourself living differently without all this confusion if only for your sake alone.

[abitbroken]

You'll just have to make a decision that you can be proud of going forward and think long term. Going over the injustices of it isn't going to help you because it's past tense. Figure out what you need to do now that will give you a sense of peace and ability to move forward. Plenty of mothers have had unplanned (or planned) pregnancies only to raise healthy and happy children as single parents or learned to make things work.

 

If you choose not to go ahead with the pregnancy, you'll need to own it and be at peace with your own actions and decisions. It's not healthy to place that blame on anyone else as it's your body too. Your life, your body, your decisions. Own all of that and resist feeling powerless. I don't think it's healthy or wise and it makes a person helpless and crippled in their non-decisions. You are above all everything that you believe in and should believe in for your future (whether there's a child or not). Don't be paralyzed by fear. Start getting in touch with your convictions and your beliefs and imagine yourself living differently without all this confusion if only for your sake alone.

 

Most of all, an abortion or better, giving the child up for adoption will *not* automatically mean that he will stay with you now that trust is broken. keep that in mind, so whatever decision you decide upon, do it independently of what you think his reaction will be

 

btw, you state he will have to buy you out of the house. well, maybe not. maybe you buy HIM out, you sell it and both go your separate ways or he leaves and agrees for you to live there and pay a small amount of rent to cover what is equitable. You could get a small apartment, or you could get a roommate - maybe another single or divorced mom with a career, a woman who was transferred for a temporary job . There was a woman who i almost picked as a roommate who had a big house and a child and Was looking for a woman who would be her roommate - would agree to watch her child Monday evenings - the only night her parents could not watch her kid, so she could finish her degree in exchanged for extremely cheap rent.

 

Its not black and white (going back to a family that you don't get along with vs staying with him and aborting)

[Hollyj]

My question to him then is if he is so adamant about not wanting children W TF didn't he get a vasectomy? Idiot.

 

Anyway: You have your baby and then figure everything out after that. In the meantime, see a lawyer and get instructions on what you have to do to get child support payments in place once the baby is born.

 

Did you know he was adamant about not having children? If you did, were you on birth control of some kind? Did you insist he wear condoms or did you throw caution to the wind?

 

I'm am 100% pro choice but I don't think picking a man over terminating a baby should even be on your radar. Particularly if he is too selfish or stupid to get a vasectomy when he is willing to give you up because you are having his child.

 

He's a dirt bag (unless of course you somehow tricked him into this pregnancy... in any event he should still get a vasectomy).

 

 

Spot on, as always!

 

Keep the baby, lose the bf!

[katrina1980]

It appears the OP has left the building

[tattoobunnie]

My big ex forced me to get an abortion, and I did, and he still broke up me. Accidental prego. But at 43, your chances of getting prego again are very slim. I would keep this baby, and place all your energy on yourself and the baby, and not worry about him coming around, because he may never come around. Not all dudes are good to their kids.

 

My kids gave me meaning to a life I thought was already great.

[Fudgie]

You tricked him, so you’re on your own. Not to be harsh, but you knew this going in.

 

Yeah I have zero sympathy for you. You tricked him.. What were you expecting? Him to say "sure! Let's have a baby! I love you!"

 

Please. Decide: abortion, adoption, or single motherhood. Have fun.

[Hollyj]

Shameful that you tricked him.

 

Raise the child on your own. He should be done with your relationship. Sneaky.

[Annia]

What do you really want regardless of him?

[Annia]

I also think the OP is living in some sort of fantasy land that the relationship will just continue on as normal, if she decides to terminate. It won't. How could it?

 

I have a feeling that even if she aborts he still can leave. Weather he finds out he was deceived and leaves or he doesn't find out but this experience scares him so much that the possibility of having a child believing that his partner is taking contraception can make him leave. I also don't get if he's so adamant in not having children, why he hasn't invested in a vasectomy.

[Batya33]

I have a feeling that even if she aborts he still can leave. Weather he finds out he was deceived and leaves or he doesn't find out but this experience scares him so much that the possibility of having a child believing that his partner is taking contraception can make him leave. I also don't get if he's so adamant in not having children, why he hasn't invested in a vasectomy.

 

My sense is might have wanted children with someone else or wants the option for the future. And he was within his rights to trust that she wouldn't deceive him like this especially since she apparently loves him and tells him so. What she did is the opposite of love.

[ThatwasThen]

My sense is might have wanted children with someone else or wants the option for the future. And he was within his rights to trust that she wouldn't deceive him like this especially since she apparently loves him and tells him so. What she did is the opposite of love.

 

He left his birth control up to her. No one should trust anyone with that task. If you don't want kids, get a V or wear a condom. And yes, it's acknowledged that she shouldn't have betrayed said trust and what she did was reprehensible.

[Batya33]

He left his birth control up to her. No one should trust anyone with that task. If you don't want kids, get a V or wear a condom. And yes, it's acknowledged that she shouldn't have betrayed said trust and what she did was reprehensible.

 

I don't agree. I think it depends on the couple - whether or not he was naive to trust her doesn't justify her breaking his trust. Different if the birth control failed -then I would agree he was foolish to just rely on one person using birth control -double protection needed -or abstinence -if you don't want kids. He took a risk of birth control failing. I don't think in a serious relationship he should have to take the risk that his partner would betray him. That's like saying a married or committed person should never have unprotected sex because a partner might cheat.

[mustlovedogs]

I don't agree. I think it depends on the couple - whether or not he was naive to trust her doesn't justify her breaking his trust. Different if the birth control failed -then I would agree he was foolish to just rely on one person using birth control -double protection needed -or abstinence -if you don't want kids. He took a risk of birth control failing. I don't think in a serious relationship he should have to take the risk that his partner would betray him. That's like saying a married or committed person should never have unprotected sex because a partner might cheat.

 

Agreed. And like j.man said, it’s a consent issue. He consented to protected sex. The consent was withdrawn when she lied and stopped taking it.

[Fudgie]

I don't agree. I think it depends on the couple - whether or not he was naive to trust her doesn't justify her breaking his trust. Different if the birth control failed -then I would agree he was foolish to just rely on one person using birth control -double protection needed -or abstinence -if you don't want kids. He took a risk of birth control failing. I don't think in a serious relationship he should have to take the risk that his partner would betray him. That's like saying a married or committed person should never have unprotected sex because a partner might cheat.

 

Agree 100,000,000%

 

And I'm someone who IS sterilized. The idea that committed, monogamous couples should have to just wear condoms all the type is ridiculous. Long term reversible contraceptives are extremely reliable and until something comes out for men, then yes, it's reasonable that partners in a relationship together can discuss BC and the responsibility of that may fall to one person. Again, it's usually the woman because of what we have available. Unless you want to use those awful rubbers all the time, that's how it is.

 

A woman tricking a man, and I mean willfully deceiving him, is 100% reproductive rape and she should be punished legally, in my opinion. Blaming the man for not wearing a rubber when his partner has betrayed him so deeply is victim blaming.

 

Also, the road to get sterilized is not an easy one. My dad, married with kids, got snipped and even he had to find a doctor willing AND have my mom sign a permission slip! Many women can't find doctors willing to sterilize them.

 

You also should never get it done unless you are absolutely sure you don't want kids. But many people are not absolutely sure. So it's not a good option!

[Batya33]

Agree 100,000,000%

 

And I'm someone who IS sterilized. The idea that committed, monogamous couples should have to just wear condoms all the type is ridiculous. Long term reversible contraceptives are extremely reliable and until something comes out for men, then yes, it's reasonable that partners in a relationship together can discuss BC and the responsibility of that may fall to one person. Again, it's usually the woman because of what we have available. Unless you want to use those awful rubbers all the time, that's how it is.

 

A woman tricking a man, and I mean willfully deceiving him, is 100% reproductive rape and she should be punished legally, in my opinion. Blaming the man for not wearing a rubber when his partner has betrayed him so deeply is victim blaming.

 

Also, the road to get sterilized is not an easy one. My dad, married with kids, got snipped and even he had to find a doctor willing AND have my mom sign a permission slip! Many women can't find doctors willing to sterilize them.

 

You also should never get it done unless you are absolutely sure you don't want kids. But many people are not absolutely sure. So it's not a good option!

 

So thank you Fudgie because your adding your insights means more than me adding mine because to me it means more when someone who does not want children can give input - given how sensitive a subject is, how emotional you are someone who knows for sure, you are someone who could have been deceived in this way in the past by someone I guess (ugh not thinking clearly but you know what I mean).

 

What made me feel even moore like you about this situation (and I already was in your camp) was I posed the situation to my husband - a guy who always wanted kids basically -and if he'd been tricked my sense is that he would have been an involved father but who knows -so far fetched!. He said it didn't matter a bit to him that the guy didn't get snipped or use protection -because what happened here was no accident but intentional and it's silly to him to compare it to an accident. (yes, were it an accident he might feel like the guy of course took the risk of failed contraception - it can happen to the best of people) - he said to even bring up that part of it would downplay what she did to him. (victim blaming as you put it)

[ThatwasThen]

No one is arguing "reproductive rape" She tricked him and it's reprehensible. However: someone who does not want children so badly that they don't even want to watch her stomach grow should get himself to the doctor and get a vasectomy. The dude has an aversion to children and therefore is quite foolish to leave his birth control up to a woman that has voiced wanting children.

 

Bottom line:

 

She's reprehensible for her trickery

He's an fool for not looking after his own birth control.

 

If the genders were reversed I'd be saying the same thing.

Shes a fool for not taking care of her own birth control and he was reprehensible for poking holes in that condom.

 

I don't agree. I think it depends on the couple - whether or not he was naive to trust her doesn't justify her breaking his trust.

No one said she was justified. That's not what I'm debating.

[mustlovedogs]

No one is arguing "reproductive rape" She tricked him and it's reprehensible. However: someone who does not want children so badly that they don't even want to watch her stomach grow should get himself to the doctor and get a vasectomy. The dude has an aversion to children and therefore is quite foolish to leave his birth control up to a woman that has voiced wanting children.

 

Bottom line:

 

She's reprehensible for her trickery

He's an fool for not looking after his own birth control.

 

If the genders were reversed I'd be saying the same thing.

Shes a fool for not taking care of her own birth control and he was reprehensible for poking holes in that condom.

 

No one said she was justified. That's not what I'm debating.

 

He had sex assuming she was protecting from pregnancy. Yes he could’ve done more - but in this case she is still fully, completely at fault. It would be different if they were careful and still got pregnant.