Facing abortion or loss of relationship

[ThatwasThen]

I haven't made the decision. I've been given a week to think it through. I can't take any longer because by the time of my appointment I will be just over 6 weeks pregnant.

Do you work, Justme?

[itsallgrand]

Just my opinion but to give a baby up for adoption that you wanted so bad that you betrayed the man you love to have, would be twice as difficult and unable to process than having an abortion.

 

I guess we are looking at it differently. For someone to betray the one they love and who has made it clear for 11 years that they do not wish to ever be a dad, to do that deliberately, is that a good position to be walking into motherhood ?

She's thinking not of the what is best for the child, but what she wants ...I think that's worth considering.

 

She has all options, she seems to have narrowed them down to two: abortion or raise this child as a single mom with no plan.

[Cherylyn]

I think it's straightforward regarding it's either him or the baby. Either he goes or the baby goes. Those are the choices he is giving you.

 

This is a universal story about a poor, unwed mother. This happens all over the world. I'm very sorry. With all due respect, I don't mean you're poor. It was just a figure of speech. You get the gist.

 

You can't undo the past. What's done is done. You deliberately deceived him. He's basically telling you that you've made your bed and now must lie in it. It's very harsh. Life is a harsh reality check.

 

This is a very bad jam to be in and unfortunately, when it comes to making an abortion decision, adoption and foreseeing a bleak future for you and the child, this is a universal diliemma.

 

It really boils down to these questions: Can you afford to raise the child all by yourself? Even if you receive a pittance of monthly child support, you will have to work like a dog to financially support this child for decades to come. It's diapers, milk, childcare, food, shelter, clothing, eventually a car, insurance, extra costs for medical, dental, vision, Rx and the bills are endless. Can you afford to foot the bill for this child's college education? Or, will you end up in the poor house?

 

These are serious concerns you need to think about for your child's survival aside from your own not to mention the burden you will dump upon your family.

 

This is a very personal decision that you must face alone. I'm very sorry for your predicament. I wish you well with whatever you ultimately decide.

[Seraphim]

I just shake my head at what people do to each other and innocent children. I lost four and people do this. My heart is so heavy.

[JaggerJim]

You can always get another man. You may never ever have another baby. No relationship is ever worth it in the long run. Don't be 60 years of age reminiscing of a baby that could of been. You may be in another relationship by then happy, and content.

[Seraphim]

You tricked him so now he has to pay and so does an innocent baby. Clearly I don’t understand humanity.

[Batya33]

I was almost in this situation - almost meaning I did not get pregnant, I was using contraception and I lied to him and told him I'd have an abortion if even with contraception there was a pregnancy. I should never have ever said this because in reality I could not have aborted a child despite being pro choice. Anyway I didn't get pregnant, was on the pill and he ended things with me and I always regretted lying to him and to myself despite being lucky that nothing happened. So I get it on that level.

 

You're asking my opinion. Have the child and if you are still on the fence about whether it's in the best interests of the child to have you as a single mom then yes consider adoption if in your opinion a two parent family would be better for the child you helped create. The child comes first especially since he is likely not going to want to be with you even if you abort since you deceived him in a terrible and life-changing way. It's just an awful situation. But you can at least let the child have the opportunity to be raised by you or another loving family. If you abort I have a strong feeling you will regret it in a traumatic way.

[iamjustme]

Do you work, Justme?

 

Yes, I do work. I could probably survive financially as a single mother, but I'm not sure if I could survive without my partner. I do love him.

[figureitout23]

I’m honestly curious how you thought things would go.

 

Did you think once you were pregnant he would have a change of heart?

 

I guess I am just under the impression doing all this behind his back you had to of known this was a possible outcome, worst case, sure, but still a very real possibility, you didn’t plan for this at all???

[Batya33]

Yes, I do work. I could probably survive financially as a single mother, but I'm not sure if I could survive without my partner. I do love him.

 

But you don't love him in the ways that matter -you deceived him in a way that is traumatically life changing - how is that love?

[ThatwasThen]

Yes, I do work. I could probably survive financially as a single mother, but I'm not sure if I could survive without my partner. I do love him.

 

You will be just fine without someone who is willing to live without you.

[iamjustme]

I’m honestly curious how you thought things would go.

 

Did you think once you were pregnant he would have a change of heart?

 

I guess I am just under the impression doing all this behind his back you had to of known this was a possible outcome, worst case, sure, but still a very real possibility, you didn’t plan for this at all???

 

I thought many things.

I thought i'm too old, it won't happen.

I thought if it happens, it's meant to be.

I thought he'll change his mind.

I thought i can do it alone if he doesn't change his mind.

So many thought were going through my mind.

And they still are.

I still think he might change his mind even though he has told me he won't and it has to be my decision what I do.

I even think (or maybe hope is a better word) that if I have the child he will change his mind.

Nothing is clear in my mind about this. Nothing jumps out and tells me what I should do.

Yes, I have thought about the unborn child.

That's why I am torn. If I didn't think about this child, then it would make it easier to go through with the abortion.

[boltnrun]

You referred to your baby as a ball of cells that isn't alive since it isn't born.

 

If you were considering keeping the child I don't think you would refer to it in that way.

 

I believe you are 100% within your right to choose. However, the idea that you "would not survive" without this man is simply not true. You "survived" before you met him, didn't you?

 

If you feel you would rather have this man than a child, then the choice is already made. But please don't keep harboring the fantasy that he will change his mind. Because from what you've written he absolutely won't.

 

BTW, I'm curious about why you thought before you could do it on your own but now you don't. What changed?

[JaggerJim]

You referred to your baby as a ball of cells that isn't alive since it isn't born.

 

If you were considering keeping the child I don't think you would refer to it in that way.

 

I believe you are 100% within your right to choose. However, the idea that you "would not survive" without this man is simply not true. You "survived" before you met him, didn't you?

 

If you feel you would rather have this man than a child, then the choice is already made. But please don't keep harboring the fantasy that he will change his mind. Because from what you've written he absolutely won't.

 

BTW, I'm curious about why you thought before you could do it on your own but now you don't. What changed?

 

Because she really didn't think she'd ever become pregnant. It's kind of like playing the lottery and never really thinking you'd win.

[boltnrun]

Sex frequently leads to pregnancy. In fact, it's the number one cause.

 

She herself said she deliberately stopped using birth control in the hopes she would become pregnant.

[JaggerJim]

I also think the OP is living in some sort of fantasy land that the relationship will just continue on as normal, if she decides to terminate. It won't. How could it?

[Cherylyn]

I thought many things.

I thought i'm too old, it won't happen.

I thought if it happens, it's meant to be.

I thought he'll change his mind.

I thought i can do it alone if he doesn't change his mind.

So many thought were going through my mind.

And they still are.

I still think he might change his mind even though he has told me he won't and it has to be my decision what I do.

I even think (or maybe hope is a better word) that if I have the child he will change his mind.

Nothing is clear in my mind about this. Nothing jumps out and tells me what I should do.

Yes, I have thought about the unborn child.

That's why I am torn. If I didn't think about this child, then it would make it easier to go through with the abortion.

 

He won't change his mind. He has already made this clear to you. He does NOT want this child, doesn't like children and disowns those who have children just as he will with you and his child.

[mustlovedogs]

op, does your boyfriend know you tried to get pregnant?

[Seraphim]

Many many many women become pregnant in their 40’s. I got pregnant at 40 and 45. Both babies died. However my mom was born when my grandma was 40 and my uncle was born when my grandma was 42.

[Seraphim]

I always rescue animals or insects that need help. I hate to kill ANYTHING. The GP told me the fetus is just a ball of cells at this stage, but I still feel I will be killing something that is alive. But you cannot be alive if you haven't even been born.

So something with a heartbeat is not alive? In another week your baby will have a beating heart. Does that make scientific sense to you that it’s not alive????

[goddess]

Anyone who tells you you have to have an abortion or face a loss of a relationship is trying to force you into the abortion . And more often than not people like this bugger off after the abortion too.

 

I agree 100% on this.

[HealingLight]

Does this man know that you stopped contraception? Or does he think that you got pregnant despite being on birth control? His reaction is much more understandable if it's the former (and cruel if it's the latter assuming it had truly been an accident). However, anyone who chooses to defriend people for having kids really has issues with children--sounds like he hates them and may make a poor father because he will be triggered by the child.

 

You have to keep in mind that if you keep the baby, he will likely always resent you. If you don't keep the baby, you may never have the opportunity to have another child at your age. You may always resent him for encouraging you to abort. Your relationship may not survive this type of pressure and resentment even if you do abort.

 

And while I think your actions leading up the pregnancy were awful, it's a shame that he didn't have a vasectomy feeling so strongly about not having children (it still surprises me that men are willing to change a woman's entire endocrine system that can impact everything about her life rather than do a quick snip--but particularly one who clearly hates kids).

 

Right now, I would proceed as if the relationship is over because it may not survive the resentment that will brew on one side or the other no matter what you do. Can you make peace with yourself if you never have children?

[Seraphim]

You’re right it won’t . He won’t ever trust her again and the relationship is pretty much over.

I also think the OP is living in some sort of fantasy land that the relationship will just continue on as normal, if she decides to terminate. It won't. How could it?

[katrina1980]

 

The GP told me the fetus is just a ball of cells at this stage, but I still feel I will be killing something that is alive.

 

But you cannot be alive if you haven't even been born.

 

 

What?? That is flat out untrue, it's "alive" at the time of conception my dear. If it's growing, it's alive.

 

It becomes a fetus at around 8 weeks (with all it's fingers and toes); it's about the size of a quarter.

 

And is very much "alive."

 

Where do you get your information?

 

I cannot believe how uninformed some people are.

[goddess]

Yes, I do work. I could probably survive financially as a single mother, but I'm not sure if I could survive without my partner. I do love him.

 

What a messed up situation. You were so wrong to trick him. Shame on you for that. You betrayed him, OP.

 

He told you that he wanted no children and he laid the cards on the table beforehand. That's his right and prerogative. And, you chose to ignore that??? If I were in his shoes, I'd be highly agitated.

 

You say you're not sure that you could survive without him? Stop being so dramatic. Let's get real. Of course you can live without him, if you had to. You love him; I get it. But people break up every day and they survive.

 

If I were in your predicament, I would keep the baby. Of course, I wouldn't have betrayed my partner though. This is your last chance of having a child, given your age (I don't mean to be disrespectful or mean when I say this). You seem to truly want kids, so have this baby. You might bitterly regret it another day.

 

As some other posters said, even if you abort, you have no guarantees that he'll stay with you. He may resent you for betraying him. Best of luck to you.