Jump to content

Recommended Posts

I hope I won't be crucified on here. I do however would like to know your views on this...

My partner has a very close female friend who had no idea about me until a few days ago. I heard her name mentioned before here and there but that was it.

She now wanted to meet my boyfriend for a dinner on Saturday.

I never asked any questions about her or their friendship. He only said they met at work 24 years ago and were friends ever since.

I feel like Saturday night sounds more like a date than catching up with friend.

It feels bit strange....I have male friends but when any of us have someone we will talk over the phone, that's it.

I am concerned she may wants to be more than a friend.

Link to post
Share on other sites

She wanted to catch up with him. He does not even know well her partner and when I asked how come he said " I am friend with her ,not her partner" which indicates he won't be rushing to introduce me anytime soon.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It could be just what he says it is. I have a female friend and we'll go for drinks once in a while just the two of us and it's just a catch up - it's far from a date. But my wife knows her really well now and knows our history and they also catch up together now and again. Without that part, I can definitely understand it being something you would be uncomfortable with and it seems like that should come first - that you should be there as a couple and get to know her and where she fits in your partner's life.

 

But then I think, what if I asked to meet a friend to catch up and they turned up with their partner? I'd probably rather want to catch up with my friend alone. I can understand them wanting to meet, just the two of them. It doesn't mean there is anything going on. It doesn't mean there is anything you should be worried about. But I get it that it can feel uncomfortable. Can you suggest you also meet and get to know her? If you're his partner and she is his friend, you have something in common right there.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Before becoming exclusive with someone, it's important to discuss relationship boundaries. If they don't match, it's best to end things. Since you're not comfortable with this, speak up and tell him your boundaries now. If he starts spewing negativity like you don't trust him and you're being ridiculous, dump him. People who have close friends will want to introduce their partner to them. You're seeing the red flag that she had no idea you existed until now. Wouldn't you tell a "very close friend" that you have a boyfriend? When things don't add up, there's a reason. How long have you two dated?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you for your responses.

I don't know why he didn't mention me earlier. I didn't ask. It does makes me wonder why not. Maybe because we take our time. About month ago I met his male friends and their partners. A few weeks ago I met his sister. Recently he mentioned his adults kids that they could meet me.

Maybe the female friend didn't see him for a while and wanted to catch up but suggesting Saturday dinner is almost a test for me as how will I handle it.

We are together for about 7 months. I don't think they met during our relationship but I heard her name etc. I knew she was there somewhere.

I wonder if feelings between can sparkle now...if they maybe waited for the right time....or of they are friends with benefits. Will I ever know ?

If I will say something, he will just conceal it all and will sneak around.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If you can't be open with your partner, the foundation of your relationship is sitting on sand instead of solid concrete. What would I say? I'd ask: Have you two ever been in a romantic relationship. Have either of you had a crush on one another? If I asked that of my man and he said yes, I'd tell him, "I don't believe in staying in contact with exes and being friends with someone who has a crush on me, because to me, it's bad for my primary relationship. If you feel differently, this relationship doesn't work for me."

 

I'd also say: I'm not comfortable with you spending time with a female friend unless I've met her.

 

Don't stuff your reservations about someone's actions just so you won't lose a guy. Your feelings matter. Don't be a doormat to things that aren't settling right with you.

 

If he doesn't take your reasonable concerns to heart, he's self centered and will operate exactly as he wishes, regardless of your feelings.

 

If you join the two, you will see if she's a champion to your relationship, happy that her "buddy" has found a great girlfriend. If you see other than that, you have some decisions to make. That's the point of dating. To see who matches you in all the major ways, and if they don't, move on. Life's too short to settle.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You've been extremely insecure throughout this entire relationship. In fact, on 5/3/19 you reported that he broke up with you. So I CAN understand feeling insecure. But if you do, why continue? Other than the old "but I LOVE him!!!!" excuse, of course.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I wonder if feelings between can sparkle now...if they maybe waited for the right time....

 

I think having those fleeting thoughts is normal sometimes. But I feel if my man could be that easily influenced, then he was really never mine to begin with.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If I will say something, he will just conceal it all and will sneak around.

 

This told me all I need to know. If you feel that your partner has the propensity to sneak around behind your back or has had a history of doing so, then you should already know whom you're dealing with. We make choices in our partners. You chose this person. You can un-choose this person as well.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You’ve only been dating 7 months. While that feels like a long time, in the grand scheme of things it is not. Especially compared to a friendship of 24 years.

 

I too would feel uncomfortable with the situation. I definitely think a Sat night catch-up alone without partners is kind of inappropriate. I mean, really. I have a great opposite-sex friend at work. We sometimes (rarely) hang out outside of work. I could totally see doing a catch-up if he ever left. On a Sunday afternoon or something lol. Saturday night is universal date-night. Even if there are no feelings involved, it’s sending mixed signals and playing with fire.

 

That said, I do think you are going to have a hard time convincing him of that. And you will come off as controlling and insecure.

 

In your shoes, my strategy would be to express my discomfort with the Saturday night thing - but to tell him that since he already made the plans - it would be totally weird to change it - and to go ahead and have fun (and mean it).

 

If he wants to cheat, he will cheat anyways. Saturday night. Sunday afternoon. Monday evening. It will happen. The desire to NOT cheat and be with you has to be there.

 

... and, yanno, if nothing has happened in 24 years - what are the odds it will happen that night.

 

What will be will be.

 

... but I would definitely express my discomfort - because this should basically be both the first and last time this happens. If he knows how you feel and he makes those same plans again, you will clearly understand where you stand in his life and how important your feelings are to him.

 

That would be my approach, personally.

Link to post
Share on other sites

He told you about it, so he isn't keeping it a secret. It's possible there is no other day or a night for them to meet up. It's only one night, they are long time friends. Now if it was a guy he was meeting up with, would you feel he was being unfair? No, you would tell him to have a nice dinner with his buddy. Just because he has a penis and she has a vagina doesn't mean sex/romance/lust is going to happen. They are just going to talk about their partners, about work, the good old days, what this person is doing now, etc. Pretty boring stuff if you were sitting there with them because you have no connection, so let him have his evening with an old friend.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You probably won't listen to this, as per usual, and apologies if it sounds harsh, but irka, due to your inability to speak up, develop boundaries, and stand up for yourself and what you need, he sees you as a doormat and has zero respect for you, I'm sorry.

 

No sane man who loves and respects his girlfriend is going to agree to a Saturday night "date" with another woman, old friend or otherwise. Especially one his gf does not know, has never met, and whom bf has no intention or desire to introduce her to.

 

This is just flat out inappropriate for anyone in an exclusive committed relationship, geez!

 

IF they were just good friends, I'd be wondering why he never mentioned her or wanted us to meet.

 

That said, if they are just friends, why not the three of you meet for lunch? Or a happy hour?

 

Or even if he wanted to "catch up" w her alone, a coffee or lunch during daytime hours, I might understand.

 

But come on girl, dinner, just the two of them, on a Saturday night?

 

No this would not be ok w me, and imagining my own bf and myself in this situation, I'd be pissed! And not many things piss me off, but this would, and I wouldn't be hiding that from him either.

 

It shows a clear disrespect, and if roles were flipped, I'd expect him to feel the same.

 

Again, it's not the fact they're friends and want to catch up, that's fine. Coffee, lunch during daytime hours.

 

But dinner together alone Saturday night? Any guy with two brain cells to rub together would know you don't do something like that when in an exclusive relationship, without expecting your gf to be pissed off.

 

Course given everything else you've posted about him and your relationship, I'm not surprised.

 

He has no respect for you.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

It is somewhat weird, I gotta say.

 

When I dated my partner, he was wanting everyone to know about me as he was happy and in love.

 

7 months in is a long time, long enough for him to be wanting to "share" you with everyone in his world.

 

The fact that he's not with this particular friend does raise a red flag and one you shouldn't ignore.

 

I, agree that you should be finding out boundaries now and if his don't match yours, it's not going to work.

 

To be quite honest, this whole situation shows how different you two are and how you treat one another differently.

Link to post
Share on other sites

To add, I would not be making demands that he not go, not my style. He is a grown man, he can do what he wants.

 

But after voicing my feelings about it, if he still chose to go, I would seriously consider whether or not I wanted to continue dating him.

 

If he chose to go, then clearly we're on different pages re what it means to be an exclusive committed relationship, not compatible in that regard, so best to end it, especially after only seven months.

 

We teach people how to treat us.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Agree with Kat!

 

f I will say something, he will just conceal it all and will sneak around

 

Wow, really?? Who the heck wants a partner like that?!? Anyone would run. People want a partner who is open and can communicate and work things out as a couple.

If he is hiding and sneaking around, my vote is to dump him.

 

No one has time for that waste of time

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I don’t know this guy at all so there may be way more factors involved here but, trying to see it from his perspective, a friend of 24 years is not someone he would drop or should drop for a girlfriend of 7 months. Maybe I’m being naive but people have friends. They can have guy friends or girl friends and, if they were friends before, there isn’t a reason for them to not be friends after. And again I could be naive but I would assume that most friendships are not with benefits. I honestly think that would be my starting point unless there really was a reason to suspect otherwise.

 

I’m just thinking back to my wife when we started dating and she had several very close guy friends, one in particular. But I never once thought they were getting up to anything I should be worried about. They were friends. And over the years, he saw us grow as a couple and we saw him find someone and get married. And like I said, I meet a female friend fairly regularly for drinks, food, whatever. I don’t know if it would have been a good thing for either of us to be controlling to the point where we would have a problem with each other seeing friends - that in itself probably would have been the red flag, not the friends themselves.

 

But yeah, maybe there are other signs here and maybe I’m too naive when it comes to these things!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I was there when she called him and he was telling her he was with his partner on a picnic and she must have asked about my name as he mentioned my name. This made me think there was nothing between them. Although when he answered the phone he said " hey baby " ....I was a bit surprised as thought he only calls me that and his daughter.

Saturday night arrangement is a bit disturbing.

I can't say anything as I already agreed I was ok with it

Otherwise we are good. He told me recently that he feels with me closer than ever. Some of you will disbelief given my insecurities so far, but overall we are good.

I will wait and observe. If their meetings will be happening more often and he won't make attempt to introduce me, I have to go....I don't like crowds.

Edited by irka000
Error
Link to post
Share on other sites

@ Greg, no one suggested he drop her, or not meet with her, curious where you got that.

 

Coffee, lunch, cool.

 

But I ask you, if this were you and were in an exclusive relationship w a woman for seven months, would you (1) balk at the idea of introducing them and (2) plan to meet alone for dinner on a Saturday night?

 

How would you expect your exclusive gf to feel about that?

 

I dunno, I said this last nite but sometimes I feel like I'm living in the twilight zone.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Irka you say you guys are "good" and closer than ever, meanwhile you feel if you speak up and tell him your "real" feelings, he will conceal it and sneak around?

 

I dunno, you're just gonna do what you want to do, so good luck hope it works out.

Edited by katrina1980
Link to post
Share on other sites

@katrina - I’m not saying I’m right at all. I’m just throwing out another side just in case. This could be what they do. And yeah, maybe it’s not dropping someone to suggest they don’t meet in the evening but, honestly, I’d probably find that a bit controlling and, really, it’s saying: that thing you do with your friend, you don’t get to do that any more and it’s because I don’t trust you. I don’t trust you to be around a woman, even if she is a friend of 24 years.

 

As for how I would expect my exclusive gf to feel about that, well, I was that exclusive bf and I was fine with it because I never had a reason to doubt. We spent a huge amount of time together in the early months but were actually pretty slow to bring each other into our respective wider lives (meeting family, friends etc) but that’s just how we were. Just coming with a different experience, I guess.

 

If it doesn’t feel right, maybe that tells you everything you need to know one way or another.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Greg ,I am very grateful for your input....it's so good to know from a male perspective.

I am not saying that if I will say I am not ok with them meeting alone in the evening, he will sneak around.

Men do what they want to do....my concern is that if I will make a noise now ,he will accuse me for lack of trust and next time may not tell me he is meeting her .

I will observe and see how things will develop first. Maybe it's a catch up once a year or so than it is not so bad. If this will became a regular thing, I would have to check out.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...