Boyfriend is married

[SherrySher]

She is much more vulnerable than to just be cheated on!

 

This is massive red flags and he has now got her where she has no protection what so ever.

 

This isnt the standard bad date.

[SherrySher]

If I were calling a guy Danny for an entire year and he comes out and admits his name is Louis, that in itself is creepy as h3ll.

[boltnrun]

My friend's ex husband has MARRIED someone else while claiming to be 10 years younger than he is. He probably has been able to pull it off because his new wife really, really wants to be married and have babies, so she has most likely been living with her head in the sand and her hands over her ears shouting "NANANANA!" so she can't hear anything she doesn't want to. And he's not a trafficker, a serial killer or even a criminal. Just a selfish, lying jerk (and that's bad enough IMO).

 

OP, you have had numerous warning signs that this man is not good for you, yet you proceeded. He apparently is providing you with something you badly want, want bad enough to ignore screaming warning signs for a year.

 

I really, really hope you don't want him badly enough to agree to be his mistress on the side, his secret affair. That would absolutely kill your self esteem.

[katrina1980]

Not to mention, you can't just hop on a bus from Canada into the U.S.

 

And again, she said she has no means to get home anyway.

[Seraphim]

Not to mention, you can't just hop on a bus from Canada into the U.S.

 

And again, she said she has no means to get home anyway.

 

Sure she can. If she has her passport she can get on the bus and go back to the US . Buses go through the border .all .the .time . She can get family or a friend to e-transfer her the money and hop on a bus .

[boltnrun]

There are trains too. I stayed in the Pacific Northwest recently and there is a train that goes all the way from Los Angeles to (I believe) Vancouver, BC. The only reason I didn't go was because I didn't have enough time. But all I needed was train fare and my passport.

 

I presume there are trains from other parts of Canada to the US as well.

[Seraphim]

There are trains too. I stayed in the Pacific Northwest recently and there is a train that goes all the way from Los Angeles to (I believe) Vancouver, BC. The only reason I didn't go was because I didn't have enough time. But all I needed was train fare and my passport.

 

I presume there are trains from other parts of Canada to the US as well.

Yup, VIA Rail, from Montreal to Detroit is a major corridor. It comes through right where I live now. I see it everyday.

[katrina1980]

I know there are trains, which are actually quite nice, but she said she has no means (money) to get home.

[boltnrun]

Yup, VIA Rail, from Montreal to Detroit is a major corridor. It comes through right where I live now. I see it everyday.

 

Reasonably priced, too. OP, I'm sure your parents can wire you money for a train or bus ticket. And you don't have to explain the full story until you get home; just explain you need to leave and can you please borrow fare. They will want to help, I guarantee.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. The best thing she can do in any situation like this is keep her cool until she arranges a way home. Whether that's him or asking friends/family for money and arranging her own transportation.

 

In any case scenario, whether it were kidnapping to a vacation gone bad, when someone is in a dependent situation, they need to stay absolutely calm and cool until they have a very clear view and absolute means out.

 

She willingly crossed the border on vacation with this guy. She is a US citizen and has a passport. Furthermore, they have all the records of who he is, who she is, their crossing, etc. Panic is the most foolish thing anyone can do in any setting like this.

And he's not a trafficker, a serial killer or even a criminal. Just a selfish, lying jerk

[Seraphim]

I know there are trains, which are actually quite nice, but she said she has no means (money) to get home.

Then embarrassement be damned. Call home, text home. Get some money and get out.

[katrina1980]

Reasonably priced, too. OP, I'm sure your parents can wire you money for a train or bus ticket. And you don't have to explain the full story until you get home; just explain you need to leave and can you please borrow fare. They will want to help, I guarantee.

 

That's exactly what we have been suggesting -- that she call her parents.

[katrina1980]

Op, are you still around, reading? If so, can you give us an update?

 

As you can see, many of us are concerned.

[thisisrichey]

don't feel like a fool. it is a GOOD thing you still are able to trust people. don't you DARE put this on you when HE is the one who lied and moved forward under false pretense and actively pursued a relationship outside of his wedding.

What's the next step? Unfortunately it is to break it off - IMMEDIATELY - and take some time to recover and move on.

 

Being "the other person" in an affair with a committed person (be it marriage or relationship) never works out for the "other person". If the person was going to leave they would've already. many people use the "children" story to cover for the fact that they are still actively married and just looking for side action. If you want proof - and if it's true the marriage is over and they're just stayign together for the children (a WEAK excuse btw b/c it's the WORST lesson to teach kids!) - then say "fine.. introduce me to your wife over dinner with all 3 of us" and see how he reacts.

 

either way. LEAVE now.

[itsallgrand]

I would strongly discourage her from asking him for a ride. There's no need for her to put herself in that situation. All she actually knows of this man is that he's capable of massive deceit without remorse. She has options here. I hope she will use them. I hope she will update soon. I'll be following this thread and thinking of you, OP.

[Seraphim]

I agree. Thinking of you. Let us know you are ok.

[abitbroken]

Please please go to the police station just for safety. Explain you drove over with your boyfriend of one year and at the border you found out that he gave you a false name the entire time you knew him, that he is leading a double life and that you don't feel safe and are worried he's involved in trafficking because you are trapped with no money

 

Also, btw, this may not be the case. he might just be a cheater, but people who "groom" people for trafficking don't always have any police record because they are only the front lie person - working to befriend and even have a relationship with someone to build their trust and deliver them to someone else.

 

I would call your parents and ask them if they can help you - come get you if they don't live far from the border or help you with a plane ticket or rental car.

[reinventmyself]

Gee whiz! A guy who's been lying about being married is now a serial killer, a sex trafficker, and a sociopath?

 

Let's calm down her and give the girl some real advice. She should tell her boyfriend that she wants to go home,

 

I might agree if this seemed at all remotely reasonable, but let's be real.

 

He's led a double life for a year, he's taken her to another country, not only is he not taking responsibility for his lies or actions, he's head tripping her into talking the blame.

 

These are way too many bad moves here to risk thinking she could reason with this creep into sending her or bringing her home.

 

I say duck out when he's not looking and find your way to nearest police station.

Call your family. If you were my daughter I'd be upset you didn't.

[Annia]

I might agree if this seemed at all remotely reasonable, but let's be real.

 

He's led a double life for a year, he's taken her to another country, not only is he not taking responsibility for his lies or actions, he's head tripping her into talking the blame.

 

These are way too many bad moves here to risk thinking she could reason with this creep into sending her or bringing her home.

 

I say duck out when he's not looking and find your way to nearest police station.

Call your family. If you were my daughter I'd be upset you didn't.

 

I agree. It's one thing to "simply" has fooled her on the being married aspect... but another different thing is that he's created a fake identity and kept it for a year and he's also showing no remorse about the situation. This might not be just a cheater and he might me dangerous (or not). She's in a vulnerable position as she's with this creep in a foreign country and with no means to return. It doesn't matter if he's dangerous or just the run of the mill cheater.

 

I agree with Wiseman that panicking or creating confront with the boyfriend now is not the best move in terms of her safety as she's in this vulnerable position. But I'd call family or a friend and I'd ask for money to return and express that she really needs to return. She doesn't even need to tell them the exact story if she doesn't want to. Or even as some others said to go to the police and explain the situation. They'll probably offer her some sort of protection while she sorts out the logistics of returning home with family or a friend. I hope the OP has her documents and passport in her possession.

[Wiseman2]

Being a liar or married man is sleazy, but not a crime in the US/Canada. However there may be severe consequences for making false allegations of felonies like kidnapping and human trafficking, because of nonsense such as lack of bus fare. They are not going to just take her word for it and lock him up. The border guards were there. The paperwork is there. The BNB reservations and proprietors are there. Also this is not a situation where the US consulate/police could get involved unless she lies and states she is being kidnapped. The police nor the US consulate are not there to give bus fare to "broke" adults who decide their travel companions are cheating creeps, nor to "protect" adults against anyone when there is no crime committed.

[superfan]

Gee whiz! A guy who's been lying about being married is now a serial killer, a sex trafficker, and a sociopath?

 

He didn't just lie about being married, he lied about WHO HE WAS. That is terrifying in any NORMAL circumstance, but in this particular instance the OP is especially vulnerable as she is not in her country and has no means to get home. This is an extremely dangerous situation for a woman to be in and frankly something most men never even have to consider. So before you mock the people who are genuinely trying to help her, you need to keep in mind that as a male, you have NEVER had to constantly assess your safety in various situations when dating. Women have to do it ALL. THE. TIME. And this is a HUGE red flag. This is literally all the ingredients for human trafficking. It is NOT over the top to tell this poor girl she needs to get home. She doesn't even know this guy's real name for crying out loud.

 

Let's calm down her and give the girl some real advice. She should tell her boyfriend that she wants to go home, and if he won't take her, she should go down to the bus station, use a credit card, and take a bus back to New York. This is what happens when a 20-year-old girl messes around with a 30-year-old guy. She doesn't have the maturity to figure out what a guy is all about.

 

So....your idea of "real advice" is to talk down to the OP and make her feel as if she is at fault for what this guy did? Nice.

 

OP, I second EVERYTHING that others have said. PLEASE come back here and tell us that you are somewhere safe and are on your way home or have a means of getting there. You could be in real danger. Don't wait.

[reinventmyself]

Being a liar or married man is sleazy, but not a crime in the US/Canada. However there may be severe consequences for making false allegations of felonies like kidnapping and human trafficking, because of nonsense such as lack of bus fare. They are not going to just take her word for it and lock him up. The border guards were there. The paperwork is there. The BNB reservations and proprietors are there. Also this is not a situation where the US consulate/police could get involved unless she lies and states she is being kidnapped. The police nor the US consulate are not there to give bus fare to "broke" adults who decide their travel companions are cheating creeps, nor to "protect" adults against anyone when there is no crime committed.

 

No one is saying that she ought to accuse him of being a human trafficker or being kidnapped. We also acknowledge that no crime has been committed.

 

I think the point is that this has gone way too far from him being just a sleazy cheater, to someone who's crossed over to being a possible threat to her safety in some way.

 

Those contributing are pointing out, to the extreme, how bad this could turn out.

 

Whether it does remains to be seen, but giving her a push to take this seriously is called for in this case. IMO

[j.man]

ASSUMING the worst, the very last thing you want to do is freak out the OP and have the guy feeling like it's do-or-die. I do agree that all this coming to fruition when they're out of the US is shady AF, but I'd advise against essentially telling her she needs to jump out of a moving car to spare herself a life of sex servitude. Essentially putting yourself out on the street carries many adverse risks which are honestly much more probable than this guy dating Americans for a whole year to take into Canada so that he can sell them off or murder them-- again, not dismissing the possibility.

 

But, yes, OP should definitely should be raising her situational awareness by quite a few dials and focusing on how she can get home safely and with the least amount of conflict.

[Snny]

Gee whiz! A guy who's been lying about being married is now a serial killer, a sex trafficker, and a sociopath?.

 

Maybe you need to pay attention to the news. There has been several RECENT cases of American women being SMUGGLED across the Canadian border. Here are a couple:

 

https://globalnews.ca/news/4250803/human-trafficking-still-a-problem-in-quebec/amp/

 

https://www.insightcrime.org/news/brief/us-canada-border-arrest-suggests-varied-human-smuggling-routes/

 

https://www.publicsafety.gc.ca/cnt/rsrcs/pblctns/ntnl-ctn-pln-cmbt/index-en.aspx

 

https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/pub/85-005-x/2018001/article/54979-eng.htm

[Starlight925]

Snny, those links are so scary.

 

What's disturbing is that it's near the end of the night, and OP has not returned to the thread.

 

OP, please update us.