Boyfriend doesn’t want me to meet his friends

[Pleasedonot5]

I’ve been in a relationship with this guy for exactly one year. Everything has been okay so far. What I mean by that is that in general we’ve been fine we’ve had our fights, with one being really serious and we almost broke up, but when we talked about it he started crying and said he doesn’t want to lose me so we made up. Everything has been perfect ever since.

 

I believe that it takes time and you have to really know the other person to feel real and honest love for someone so I can’t say I love him to death but I’m definitely in love with him.

I thought he felt the same way but now I’m not so sure.

 

As I said it’s been a year since we met and started dating. He has a group of friends that he has known since childhood and another group that he met this year in college. I’ve met some of his childhood friends, and he doesn’t seem like he doesn’t want me to meet the rest it just hasn’t happened. I’ve met none of his college friends and as they live far from us and he rarely ever goes out with them. I actually never really thought about meeting them and we never talked about it. I should mention he has met all of my friends. And I should also mention his college friends are both boys and girls (attractive ones some in relationships).

 

So we had plans for Saturday and he told me to reschedule for sunday because he made plans with the college kids on Saturday. I didn’t think any of it I said that’s fine. And then he texted me asking if I want to go as well with him on Saturday. I got really happy because I did want to meet them and then before I had time to answer he texted me again telling me to say no.

 

I just didn’t know how to respond to that so I just asked him why should I do that and he actually seemed irritated and told me to just say it. I asked again and he said because he wanted to send a screenshot to them of me saying no. And so I did and then I asked him “Why don’t you want me to come as well?” And he got even more angry and he said “No reason *eye roll*” and then changed the subject.

 

I got so sad and angry. Why does he not want me to meet his friends? I’m supposed to be an important part on his life he should be excited about me meeting them. I thought maybe he’s embarrassed about me but why would he be? And if he is then why is he with me for one year? Then I thought maybe he likes someone from that group. I honestly have no clue. Maybe I’m just not important to him but that wouldn’t explain why he was so negative about it.

 

Should I do something about it? I feel like if I just let it go it’ll keep bugging me and that never ends well. But I don’t know what to do. If I talk to him about it he’ll definitely deny everything and just make up an excuse.

Sounds like he's conflicted about having you meet his friends. Maybe his ex met a previous friend and he had to deal with a betrayal. Imo, it's worth keeping friends and the significant other somewhat separate.

 

And you should be direct and communicate properly. Stop with the passive-agressive stuff; it doesn't help your case at all.

[DancingFool]

I always just drop hints and make jealous comments and yeah sometimes I get moody, but when it’s just me over reacting I always apologize afterwards. He is very sociable and he has a lot of friends who are girls, so that makes me feel insecure and I think it would make most girls feel like that. After all, he’s a guy and they are girls so you never know.

 

I actually didn’t think about the possibility that this could be the reason.

 

To be honest, that would get really old to deal with really fast. No, you do know. Either you trust him or you don't. Nobody can seduce him if he doesn't want to be seduced and if he does want that...quite frankly you can't police or prevent. You need to actually decide if you trust him for real or not, and drop the passive aggressive behavior because that will drive people away from you and cause a ton of problems in your relationships.

[Honeycomb8]

Darn I'd be gone.

[ThatwasThen]

Darn I'd be gone.

 

Ya, me too. I may be sad over it for a while but Being with a guy that has lots of female friends and pulls a "say no" to an invite isn't someone I'd be comfortable being with *if* I was the insecure and jealous type. There are guys that have the same boundaries out there that wouldn't cause me to be experiencing either of those things.

[Jibralta]

In my opinion, the issue is him not wanting me to meet his friends.

 

If the issue is only that he doesn't want you to meet his friends, then he wouldn't invite you.

 

Why create the extra complication of inviting you and then asking you to say "no?"

 

There has to be another reason, even if it's a weird fetish, or he just can't help compulsively asking people out and then forcing them to cancel. But that's probably not it.

 

More likely, he feels the need to give someone a certain impression of you.

 

Some guys, when they want to cheat, make the other girl think that their wife or girlfriend mistreats them. It's a way to disarm and flatter the other woman into an affair: "Look how mean my girlfriend is to me. She never wants to see me. But you're different..." It's so common, you won't believe. And it works really well. The other woman frequently feels like the guy's hero, and gets into a one-sided competition with the wife/girlfriend for the guy.

 

If there's any other reason for making you say "no," he would tell you.

[figureitout23]

there are girls as well in the group.

 

My initial thought was with the others. I thought for sure he liked one of the girls in the group. Then you said this

 

*UPDATE*

So I just asked him who’s gonna be there on Saturday, and he told me a bunch of names one of which being this girl that let’s just say doesn’t have the beat rep.

So after him telling me who’s coming I answer oh that’s fine and you know I tried to keep my reaction neutral and then he said “You don’t have any problems with *the girl’s name* being there right?” And I said no, it’s okay why would I have a problem? and he replied “well you do get kinda jealous at times”.

 

And now I'm like 'oooooh'.

 

 

I am quite jealous yeah. Her being there could have been the reason of him not wanting me to go. He didn’t ask me though to come after I said I don’t mind her being there.

 

Is it wrong of him to react like that to you joining their outings? Absolutely.

 

Are you wrong for letting your insecurities manifest themselves and making things uncomfortable for him? I'm going to say yes and no.

 

Chicken and egg situation here in my eyes, are you insecure and jealous for no reason or are his actions causing you to feel insecure and jealous?

 

Full pictures can really make a story do a 180 can't they?

[marymag]

My initial thought was with the others. I thought for sure he liked one of the girls in the group. Then you said this

 

 

 

And now I'm like 'oooooh'.

 

 

 

 

Is it wrong of him to react like that to you joining their outings? Absolutely.

 

Are you wrong for letting your insecurities manifest themselves and making things uncomfortable for him? I'm going to say yes and no.

 

Chicken and egg situation here in my eyes, are you insecure and jealous for no reason or are his actions causing you to feel insecure and jealous?

 

Full pictures can really make a story do a 180 can't they?

 

I’m not exactly sure if it’s me, or if his actions are making me jealous. Maybe it’s a combination if both. He has told me that that’s the only thing that’s really bothering him about me, but I never really thought it would cause such problems. When he told me that, I tried to stop feeling jealous or at least not tell him anymore but that’s impossible. Honestly, I’d rather he didn’t want me to go because of my jealousy, than because of all the other things mentioned.

[Birdie]

OP this whole relationship is incredibly unhealthy. He doesn’t treat you with respect and doesn’t want to include you in his life. You tiptoe around him as you view him as your only source of support to seem to cling to him and tolerate such jerky behaviour. You are so so passive. This isn’t sustainable.

 

If my long term boyfriend had asked me to send him a text saying “no” to an invite so he could show his friends I would lose my mind. I’m not just some toy or pawn. If he doesn’t want me there he can own up to that, what a coward.

 

Why don’t you have other supports? What about friends or family? Do you work? Have hobbies?

 

A partner can not be your only source of support. It’s unfair and using them.

[MissCanuck]

What is the story with this girl, OP? Why are you jealous of her, and how have things gone when you've been around her before?

 

We need more context, as it seems we're getting closer to the real reason he dis-invited you and tried to turn it around on you.

 

I do agree with the others that the overall dynamic of your relationship isn't great. Why is he your only support? Where are your own friends and family?

[marymag]

If the issue is only that he doesn't want you to meet his friends, then he wouldn't invite you.

 

Why create the extra complication of inviting you and then asking you to say "no?"

 

There has to be another reason, even if it's a weird fetish, or he just can't help compulsively asking people out and then forcing them to cancel. But that's probably not it.

 

More likely, he feels the need to give someone a certain impression of you.

 

Some guys, when they want to cheat, make the other girl think that their wife or girlfriend mistreats them. It's a way to disarm and flatter the other woman into an affair: "Look how mean my girlfriend is to me. She never wants to see me. But you're different..." It's so common, you won't believe. And it works really well. The other woman frequently feels like the guy's hero, and gets into a one-sided competition with the wife/girlfriend for the guy.

 

If there's any other reason for making you say "no," he would tell you.

 

Maybe he didn’t have the words to explain it, or he didn’t want to talk about this over text, or he didn’t want to start a fight. There have been times when something happened and when I talked to him about it he explained himself and it made sense. He told other things as well about where they’re going and about the people who are going to be there and I personally find it unlikely that he would make all of that up.

[MissCanuck]

Maybe he didn’t have the words to explain it, or he didn’t want to talk about this over text, or he didn’t want to start a fight. There have been times when something happened and when I talked to him about it he explained himself and it made sense. He told other things as well about where they’re going and about the people who are going to be there and I personally find it unlikely that he would make all of that up.

 

But that is exactly what he did.

 

You're making a lot of excuses for his rude behaviour, girl.

[marymag]

What is the story with this girl, OP? Why are you jealous of her, and how have things gone when you've been around her before?

 

We need more context, as it seems we're getting closer to the real reason he dis-invited you and tried to turn it around on you.

 

I do agree with the others that the overall dynamic of your relationship isn't great. Why is he your only support? Where are your own friends and family?

 

I’ve never met her. She is known in our area from when she went to high school. He had common friends with her before meeting her and back then he told me that she’s such a diva among other things. They happened to go to the same college and after meeting her he did a 180 and told me how nice of a girl she is. I thought okay that’s not weird, people change their opinions all the time about others, but me being jealous I was not happy about it and I told him. Some friends of mine told me that she’s the kind of girl that would sleep with anyone and the fact that he has a girlfriend wouldn’t stop her. I got really nervous after that. He has told me he really doesn’t like her looks and I believe him because she’s not her type, but looks isn’t everything. Now they have gotten closer obviously I’m trying not to let that bother me, but it does.

 

My friends are going through the same stuff now and they have more on their plate. My family is there for me, but parents can never be objective about a situation.

[marymag]

But that is exactly what he did.

 

You're making a lot of excuses for his rude behaviour, girl.

 

He handled it the wrong way, I don’t think that’s what he wanted. Why would he want to start a fight?

[Regi]

I see your part of the story marymag. You were planning on talking to him this friday if I'm correct? I'd do that first. He HAS to talk to you in a proper way, you are victim at this point ! If he doesn't, you HAVE to stand up for yourself. I don't want you to see humiliated like this anymore. That texting was absolutely not acceptable. I admire your positive personality, but remember, he has to earn that personality, okay?

 

Keep us updated !

 

Regi

[Hollyj]

Just clearing things up, because there are many different opinions on the issue (really thankful for that)

 

In my opinion, the issue is him not wanting me to meet his friends. It just shows that he doesn’t care about me as much as he should but this point. Maybe it’s because our relationship started a couple weeks after meeting for the first time, so we didn’t have time to get to know each other. Maybe, it’s because he’s an a-hole. Whatever the case might be I don’t want to break up with him, I feel like I’m gonna lose the only support I have right now and it’s a really stressful period for me, so dealing with problems about my only support is the last thing I want. So, breaking up is really my very last option. For now at least.

(back at my issue now)

So, I was thinking about it and yeah it was disrespectful of him to demand I say no. But what bugs me the most is that he didn’t want me to come. I’ve thought about every possibility and I realized through you that I can’t know unless I ask him about it. Making theories in my mind and thinking of the best and worst senarios is just making me more sad and hurt.

 

Yeah, I am scared that he’ll get angry, but not because he’s “abusing” me, but because I hate fighting and he does as well and ever since our last fight I just don’t want to fight with him at all.

 

I wanna assume that if I ask him kindly and tell him the last thing I want is to fight, he won’t get mad and we talk about it and everything gets cleared up. If he gets mad, I have a lot of thinking to do and a lot of decisions to make.

 

For those of you saying that he’s lying or he’s cheating, I also can’t possibly now for sure (even thought I believe that’s not the case),so instead of over-thinking about it I’m gonna trust what he is saying. Either way, it’s either that or breaking up, because him cheating is something I won’t torelate even in the slightest.

 

Nothing like a relationship where you are afraid of speaking up and walking on eggshells. How healthy does that sound to you?

 

Do you have any friends. Have you made this guy your entire world? Super unhealthy to limit yourself and revolve your life around one person.

[Wiseman2]

It still doesn't explain why you can't be there. If she were just a friend, why does it have to be either/or? In fact if you are his new gf why wouldn't he want to introduce you to his friends? Instead he's turned it around to be your fault, even though he's the one with inexplicable behavior about this.

he said “You don’t have any problems with *the girl’s name* being there right?”

[marymag]

It still doesn't explain why you can't be there. If she were just a friend, why does it have to be either/or? In fact if you are his new gf why wouldn't he want to introduce you to his friends? Instead he's turned it around to be your fault, even though he's the one with inexplicable behavior about this.

 

he didn’t say she’s the reason I can’t be there. The thing is that as of now and without talking to him I can’t know what’s the reason. For all I know it could be something really dumb that doesn’t have anything to do with her. What he asked me was if I had a problem with her being there.

[marymag]

Nothing like a relationship where you are afraid of speaking up and walking on eggshells. How healthy does that sound to you?

 

Do you have any friends. Have you made this guy your entire world? Super unhealthy to limit yourself and revolve your life around one person.

 

I have many friends, but we’re all in the middle of exams and they have more stuff om their plate as well, so the last thing I want is to stress them out more.

[marymag]

I see your part of the story marymag. You were planning on talking to him this friday if I'm correct? I'd do that first. He HAS to talk to you in a proper way, you are victim at this point ! If he doesn't, you HAVE to stand up for yourself. I don't want you to see humiliated like this anymore. That texting was absolutely not acceptable. I admire your positive personality, but remember, he has to earn that personality, okay?

 

Keep us updated !

 

Regi

 

Thank you so much yeah I’ll tell you how it went

[purplepaisley]

I agree with what someone brought up earlier, the "chicken or the egg" theory - if you are jealous for no reason and miserable to be around as a result, that's it's own issue, and if he's giving you reason to be jealous and insecure, that is an issue of the relationship. You stated he wasn't the best "boyfriend" in the beginning and he told you straight up he didn't really care much about you, but he changed his mind in time...okay, fine, but those are words and feelings you can't get away from. I would have a hard time with that myself. The thing is, even today, you seem to have a lot of anxiety around his intentions with you, and him inviting you, then dis-inviting you with screenshots of you saying no...things are amiss and just add to the insecurities that seem to have been present all along.

 

I will tell you that when I didn't want a boyfriend/husband around was when the whole situation would be miserable. I never knew what would set him off, sometimes later...that night or days later...but someone would say something or someone would do something or he'd catch a conversation and blow it out of proportion or take it out of context, something I said or a conversion I was having, or he would tell me "his friend told him ..." so now we have the friend police, and I never knew. Add to that if he was sullen, seemed miserable, and I would have to spend a lot of time "babysitting," and leaving early because he was clearly miserable and I was embarrassed as my friends would ask if he's okay and what's wrong.

 

If this is your behavior, OP, you need to knock it off. Either break up with him or be a pleasant person and don't pick fights. These people aren't going anywhere.

 

This woman...it amazes me people keep her around if she is such a flirt and will even actively pursue and seduce men who are married or with girlfriends. I would not be inviting her and would actively avoid her (or him as the case may be), but she clearly has not suffered the consequences of her behavior. The thing is, OP, is if you were more secure about your boyfriends feelings for you, it probably wouldn't bother you as much...as in you know he'll shut her down if she comes on to him. I can't say whether or not he's cheating or wants to cheat with this friend or anyone, but it has an aura of wanting to keep that door open, if you're not around...to simply flirt or maybe more...it just doesn't sit well with me.

 

Good luck on your chat. I hope it's something realistic and easy to maneuver around, but right now it just seems like this latest action is just piling it on higher and deeper...another layer of insecurity.

[Wiseman2]

Ok he's blaming you for his rejecting secretive behavior. Interesting. You are not allowed to meet/hang out with his friends because it's your fault you're jealous, is that correct? And you are buying this? It sounds like he a has a problem with you being there but is fine with her being there, then turned it around that you are the problem? Why is he hiding you from his friends? Why is he asking the questions instead of you?

What he asked me was if I had a problem with her being there.

[marymag]

I agree with what someone brought up earlier, the "chicken or the egg" theory - if you are jealous for no reason and miserable to be around as a result, that's it's own issue, and if he's giving you reason to be jealous and insecure, that is an issue of the relationship. You stated he wasn't the best "boyfriend" in the beginning and he told you straight up he didn't really care much about you, but he changed his mind in time...okay, fine, but those are words and feelings you can't get away from. I would have a hard time with that myself. The thing is, even today, you seem to have a lot of anxiety around his intentions with you, and him inviting you, then dis-inviting you with screenshots of you saying no...things are amiss and just add to the insecurities that seem to have been present all along.

 

I will tell you that when I didn't want a boyfriend/husband around was when the whole situation would be miserable. I never knew what would set him off, sometimes later...that night or days later...but someone would say something or someone would do something or he'd catch a conversation and blow it out of proportion or take it out of context, something I said or a conversion I was having, or he would tell me "his friend told him ..." so now we have the friend police, and I never knew. Add to that if he was sullen, seemed miserable, and I would have to spend a lot of time "babysitting," and leaving early because he was clearly miserable and I was embarrassed as my friends would ask if he's okay and what's wrong.

 

If this is your behavior, OP, you need to knock it off. Either break up with him or be a pleasant person and don't pick fights. These people aren't going anywhere.

 

This woman...it amazes me people keep her around if she is such a flirt and will even actively pursue and seduce men who are married or with girlfriends. I would not be inviting her and would actively avoid her (or him as the case may be), but she clearly has not suffered the consequences of her behavior. The thing is, OP, is if you were more secure about your boyfriends feelings for you, it probably wouldn't bother you as much...as in you know he'll shut her down if she comes on to him. I can't say whether or not he's cheating or wants to cheat with this friend or anyone, but it has an aura of wanting to keep that door open, if you're not around...to simply flirt or maybe more...it just doesn't sit well with me.

 

Good luck on your chat. I hope it's something realistic and easy to maneuver around, but right now it just seems like this latest action is just piling it on higher and deeper...another layer of insecurity.

 

Yeah, I’m definitely not sure about his feelings and i agree that his behavior at the beginning played a huge role on my jealousy and trust issues I have about him. I’m trying to move on from that, but it’s not the easiest thing to do. Maybe I need to work on those insecurities you mentioned and maybe that was the issue in the first place.

[marymag]

Ok he's blaming you for his rejecting secretive behavior. Interesting. You are not allowed to meet/hang out with his friends because it's your fault you're jealous, is that correct? And you are buying this? It sounds like he a has a problem with you being there but is fine with her being there, then turned it around that you are the problem? Why is he hiding you from his friends? Why is he asking the questions instead of you?

 

No he didn’t blame me. We didn’t say anything that had to do with me going or not going or him not wanting me to be there. He just told me she’s gonna be there and if I’m okay with that. But yeah it did bother me that he wanted her there but not me.

[ThatwasThen]

No he didn’t blame me. We didn’t say anything that had to do with me going or not going or him not wanting me to be there. He just told me she’s gonna be there and if I’m okay with that. But yeah it did bother me that he wanted her there but not me.

Can I ask why you agreed to send a "no" to his invite?

 

Why would you do that? Why not just say: "I'd rather not be a part of whatever it is you've gotten yourself into. Have fun, I look forward to hearing about your time." You clearly didn't want to send the text so why did you, Mary?

 

Something to ask yourself if you don't want to answer here.

[Wiseman2]

Didn't he accuse you of being jealous as his rationale for excluding you? You can tiptoe around his anger, believe his bizarre stories and acquiesce to his crazy demands, but that won't make him love you or respect you or be honest to you or faithful to you.

it did bother me that he wanted her there but not me.