Boyfriend doesn’t want me to meet his friends

[DancingFool]

It seems that his friends are pressuring him to bring you around and introduce you. For whatever reason he categorically doesn't want to and is making you out to be the bad guy who supposedly doesn't want to meet them to take that pressure off himself.

 

So basically, early on he was a jerk to you and told you straight up that it was because he didn't really like you enough, but you stuck around.....seems like he still doesn't like you enough. Don't be his place holder while he goes about his life and moves on to a bigger better deal later on.

[Wiseman2]

The point is he doesn't want you there and wants to make it look like you don't want to go. Obviously there is someone there in particular he doesn't want you meeting, or he's afraid his friends will have a few drinks and spill the beans. He's cheating and you know it.

If that’s the case he would have known before asking me. And I also don’t think his friends would suggest me to come as well if they knew something like that was going on.

[katrina1980]

Wow at all this speculation, as if it's fact.

 

"Obviously" there is someone else?

 

Unless we're psychic (which I know I'm not!) *no one* knows what the hell his reasons are or what's going on with him, except HIM!

 

Took my brother two years and they are now married.

 

Best of luck OP.

[marymag]

The point is he doesn't want you there and wants to make it look like you don't want to go. Obviously there is someone there in particular he doesn't want you meeting, or he's afraid his friends will have a few drinks and spill the beans. He's cheating and you know it.

 

I doubt that he’s cheating. personally and from past experiences (not mine thankfully) cheaters don’t act like that. As I already mentioned as of now he was a good boyfriend. He is in college, he could just dump me and “have fun” with other college girls, but he has stuck around and has been there for me every time I needed him. And for everyone wondering that’s why I kept being with him even after confessing to me that he wasn’t in love with me at the beginning. By the time I found out about that he had already changed.

[marymag]

It sounds like you put up with a lot. Why? He sounds rude and disrespectful.

 

he is clearly hiding something. i would think that he likes another girl in that group and does not want you around.

 

I think that this is the tip pf his behavior. I would question why you tolerate it?

 

Stop being a doormat to this guy. This is part of the problem. You may get some answer if you stuck uo for yourself.

 

I personally don’t think I put up with a lot. I believe I have definitely made some compromises and he has as well, but I think that’s normal in every relationship.

[Hollyj]

You may be right Holls, but OP said he treated her poorly in the beginning (subjective as to what she meant by "poorly") but as time went on he "changed."

 

By changed, I presume she means treating her well? At least according to her standards.

 

So yeah, while I do agree to not expect people to change, in this case he *did* change, so in time it's possible he could feel less anxious and more comfortable havng her meet his friends.

 

**It took my own brother (one of them) literally TWO YEARS before he introduced his now wife to us and his good friends.**

 

That said, this thing about needing proof she said no so he could screen shot his friends is nuts, and suggests deeper issues.

 

I'm curios what was happening in the beginning and about this temper?

 

The screen shot bit is very strange. Why would someone want that?

[Hollyj]

I think, He’s afraid one of his guy friends will meet you and want you for himself and try to steal you away. This may have happened in the past, so is fearful of this happening again.

 

I don't agree. She has met his other friends.

[marymag]

Wow at all this speculation, as if it's fact.

 

"Obviously" there is someone else?

 

Unless we're psychic (which I know I'm not!) *no one* knows what the hell his reasons are or what's going on with him, except HIM!

 

Took my brother two years and they are now married.

 

Best of luck OP.

 

Yeah I completely agree with that and I completely agreed with everything you said.

What is still on my mind though is that when we bump into random friends of his he seems completely fine, he introduces me as his girlfriend and in general when we’re out in public he seems perfectly okay. I’ve also met some of his childhood friends (which should make him feel a lot more anxious than me meeting his friends that he met 6 months ago). As you said I can’t know what’s on his mind, so I’m only making assumptions.

[Hollyj]

OP, ask him why he does not want you to meet his friends, and why he wanted the screen shot. If he gets upset, you know that you have a problem.

[marymag]

I'm curios what was happening in the beginning and about this temper?

 

The screen shot bit is very strange. Why would someone want that?

 

Nothing specific was happening, like I can’t describe a certain incident, but when someone doesn’t care you can feel it. For example we rarely ever went out to the point that I would honestly ask myself why doesn’t he want to see me? And when I told him my concerns he turned it on me telling me I’m making up theories. And then as time passed we just had more fun together and hus behavior changed in general I can’t exactly describe it, but if you’ve ever had something similar happen to you, I guess you’ll understand.

When I found out about it, we were so good together, so it was really painful for me. I asked to meet up because I wanted to break up (he said he wanted the same thing) and when he saw me he started crying and telling me some of our good times together and he doesn’t want to lose me. After that, I changed my mind.

 

About the screenshot, maybe he told his friends no and they insisted. I don’t know I’m just assuming.

[marymag]

OP, ask him why he does not want you to meet his friends, and why he wanted the screen shot. If he gets upset, you know that you have a problem.

 

I thought about doing that, but if katrina1980 is right (so far she had the best explanation for everything in my opinion) that would only make things worse

[ThatwasThen]

I haven't read the whole thread but I will say that if my partner asked me to go somewhere and then told me to say "no" to it, i'd be telling him a whole lot more then "no."

 

I don't understand why so many women don't have the confidence to tell their boyfriends no to some of the ridiculous things they expect.

 

I'd be finished with him after that. I may not break up right away but I'd be planning my exit strategy. He's up to no good. What that "no good" is remains to be seen but I'd not be hanging around to find out. A man that loves you wouldn't ask you to be a part of his suspect behaviour. At the very least he would explain why he wanted you to lie to his friends.

[Wiseman2]

Get up and leave. Stop enabling his abusive temper and deceit. In fact cut your losses.

What do you think is the best way to respond if he gets angry?

[ThatwasThen]

I thought about doing that, but if katrina1980 is right (so far she had the best explanation for everything in my opinion) that would only make things worse

 

If asking a simple question would make "things worse" then you're with the wrong guy to begin with. He's asked you to be disingenuous instead of just not inviting you in the first place. Why would you want to put up with that and enable him? You're teaching him that you'll put up with anything disrespectful he throws your way.

[MissCanuck]

Whatever the case, his behaviour surrounding this episode and needing a screenshot should be raising red flags. It doesn't make sense to you because he hasn't yet filled in the blanks about why he invited and then dis-invited you and required "proof." He turned it into a silly charade that was entirely unnecessary.

 

He might not be cheating, of course. But this also isn't typical behaviour of people who are respectful and mature individuals. Nobody here knows the reason he's acting so weird about this. I sure as hell wouldn't be willing to just overlook it though, either.

[ThatwasThen]

The issue (IMO) is not about meeting his friends or not. It's about why he wanted you to lie to them and why he would even be asking you to do such a thing as he asked. It's disrespectful and it undervalues so why continue to tolerate such a thing for oneself? Add the fact she's worried about angering him and you have a recipe for a misbalance in power in the relationship which is never a good relationship to allow for yourself.

[Wiseman2]

Are you sure he's meeting his college friends? His defensive tantrum seems typical of covering up lies.

I’ve met none of his college friends and as they live far from us and he rarely ever goes out with them. I asked him “Why don’t you want me to come as well?” And he got even more angry and he said “No reason *eye roll*” and then changed the subject.

[marymag]

Are you sure he's meeting his college friends? His defensive tantrum seems typical of covering up lies.

 

Why would he ask me to come with in the first place if he wanted to lie to me? He said that his friends told him to bring me as well, so why would his “girlfriend” ask him such thing? Also even if that was the case why would he want to send her a screenshot of him asking me “Do you want to come with me and my friends for drinks?” That makes no sense to me.

[marymag]

Just clearing things up, because there are many different opinions on the issue (really thankful for that)

 

In my opinion, the issue is him not wanting me to meet his friends. It just shows that he doesn’t care about me as much as he should but this point. Maybe it’s because our relationship started a couple weeks after meeting for the first time, so we didn’t have time to get to know each other. Maybe, it’s because he’s an a-hole. Whatever the case might be I don’t want to break up with him, I feel like I’m gonna lose the only support I have right now and it’s a really stressful period for me, so dealing with problems about my only support is the last thing I want. So, breaking up is really my very last option. For now at least.

(back at my issue now)

So, I was thinking about it and yeah it was disrespectful of him to demand I say no. But what bugs me the most is that he didn’t want me to come. I’ve thought about every possibility and I realized through you that I can’t know unless I ask him about it. Making theories in my mind and thinking of the best and worst senarios is just making me more sad and hurt.

 

Yeah, I am scared that he’ll get angry, but not because he’s “abusing” me, but because I hate fighting and he does as well and ever since our last fight I just don’t want to fight with him at all.

 

I wanna assume that if I ask him kindly and tell him the last thing I want is to fight, he won’t get mad and we talk about it and everything gets cleared up. If he gets mad, I have a lot of thinking to do and a lot of decisions to make.

 

For those of you saying that he’s lying or he’s cheating, I also can’t possibly now for sure (even thought I believe that’s not the case),so instead of over-thinking about it I’m gonna trust what he is saying. Either way, it’s either that or breaking up, because him cheating is something I won’t torelate even in the slightest.

[ThatwasThen]

Why would he ask me to come with in the first place if he wanted to lie to me? He said that his friends told him to bring me as well, so why would his “girlfriend” ask him such thing? Also even if that was the case why would he want to send her a screenshot of him asking me “Do you want to come with me and my friends for drinks?” That makes no sense to me.

Who cares what his motives were for what he expected of you? The point is he's asked you to lie so that he himself doesn't look lame in someway, to someone. He disrespected you and he's got anger issues if he'd blaze up over you asking him to tell you what the heck he was doing. If he does that and you don't like conflict then you're with the wrong person if you're afraid to voice your needs and expectations (that are reasonable) He's also a condescending dolt to be rolling his eye over your questions.

 

Whether you stay with him now or not over this, the odds are against you when it comes to whether or not he'll end up being your life mate. Don't tolerate being undervalued or disrespected or ridiculed (rolled eyes) because you're afraid to be alone due a stressful time in your life. His support is not worth you losing your power to him in the relationship.

[marymag]

*UPDATE*

So I just asked him who’s gonna be there on Saturday, and he told me a bunch of names one of which being this girl that let’s just say doesn’t have the beat rep.

So after him telling me who’s coming I answer oh that’s fine and you know I tried to keep my reaction neutral and then he said “You don’t have any problems with *the girl’s name* being there right?” And I said no, it’s okay why would I have a problem? and he replied “well you do get kinda jealous at times”.

[DancingFool]

*UPDATE*

So I just asked him who’s gonna be there on Saturday, and he told me a bunch of names one of which being this girl that let’s just say doesn’t have the beat rep.

So after him telling me who’s coming I answer oh that’s fine and you know I tried to keep my reaction neutral and then he said “You don’t have any problems with *the girl’s name* being there right?” And I said no, it’s okay why would I have a problem? and he replied “well you do get kinda jealous at times”.

 

Oh? Well do you actually get jealous or is he just gaslighting you?

[marymag]

Oh? Well do you actually get jealous or is he just gaslighting you?

 

I am quite jealous yeah. Her being there could have been the reason of him not wanting me to go. He didn’t ask me though to come after I said I don’t mind her being there.

[DancingFool]

I am quite jealous yeah. Her being there could have been the reason of him not wanting me to go. He didn’t ask me though to come after I said I don’t mind her being there.

 

Well....if you will create a scene, be unpleasant, be moody, make snide/jealous comments to him or others, or make him miserable about whatever girl afterward, then that might explain why he is not so keen to bring you along. Then again, does he give you genuine reason to be jealous or are you being insecure because you see him as your support and fear losing him? Jealousy is kind of a difficult trait to deal with in a partner and a bit of self fulfilling prophecy in that it makes you a pain and people tend to move away from pain.

[marymag]

Well....if you will create a scene, be unpleasant, be moody, make snide/jealous comments to him or others, or make him miserable about whatever girl afterward, then that might explain why he is not so keen to bring you along. Then again, does he give you genuine reason to be jealous or are you being insecure because you see him as your support and fear losing him? Jealousy is kind of a difficult trait to deal with in a partner and a bit of self fulfilling prophecy in that it makes you a pain and people tend to move away from pain.

 

I always just drop hints and make jealous comments and yeah sometimes I get moody, but when it’s just me over reacting I always apologize afterwards. He is very sociable and he has a lot of friends who are girls, so that makes me feel insecure and I think it would make most girls feel like that. After all, he’s a guy and they are girls so you never know.

 

I actually didn’t think about the possibility that this could be the reason.