How important is being on time?

[boltnrun]

He did all that because you let him.

 

Are you going to "talk" to him yet again and accept him back?

[Jibralta]

How important is respecting time in your relationships? Would u dump a guy or girl over this if it kept happening? And why would a person be on time for everything else except you?

 

I think the real question is, how important are your own standards to you?

 

You say being on time is important. Your boyfriend makes a point of being late every time you the two of you get together. You've been putting up with this for two years.

 

Clearly, your boyfriend's standard of being late is more important to you than your own standard of being on time.

 

What does it matter what any of the rest of us think?

 

You didn't stand up for yourself. We can't stand up for you.

[Batya33]

I don't agree with "putting your foot down" - that should be a rare occurrence. If you show yourself to be a person who respects herself and who asserts her boundaries quietly but firmly, matter of factly, then that goes much further than all of a sudden "putting your foot down" in any kind of loud/confrontational way.

[purplepaisley]

Being on time is a big deal, and important. Your guy is taking advantage and completely disrespectful. There are people who are just plain tardy...it's their thing. You know this, and you work around it. They are good people the rest of the time. My stepfather was one of "those people." He was respectful and kind and responsible in every other way, but if you wanted him to be on time, you had to tell him the time to meet was 30 minutes earlier, meaning, if you wanted him there by 7, you had to say he had to be there by 6:30. With work, this was not a requirement, he showed up, and early...the rest of the time, he was late.

 

Then there is the disrespectful, don't give a hoot guy...your guy. He decided to drink up with is buddies and you can pick up the key and wait?? No. And I guess this is repeated with a history of perpetual tardiness. How many times did he not even show up? You waited, and he didn't bother to show up at all?

 

I've been around this with a couple of OLD guys, and I just leave. Sorry, but when we agree to meet at 8, that's not the time that you decide it's time to get in the shower first and then leave the house...you do all that ahead of time and be there promptly. It is disrespectful of you and your time to leave you dangling. You can forgive traffic and last minute dramas that cause tardiness a couple of times, but repeatedly? No.

[ThatwasThen]

I have a huge issue with setting boundaries and sticking to it.

You can change that about yourself, Love.

 

Google "The Importance of Personal Boundaries" and then start reading. Have the love of self and the confidence to the point that you truly believe that you're the prize and if some d-bag isn't treating you like you're one, then you dump.

 

Good luck going forth... Start your reading with the link below:

 

https://www.essentiallifeskills.net/personalboundaries.html

 

Don't let him back into your life, he's holding you back from finding a good man that values you.

[mandeelove]

You can change that about yourself, Love.

 

Google "The Importance of Personal Boundaries" and then start reading. Have the love of self and the confidence to the point that you truly believe that you're the prize and if some d-bag isn't treating you like you're one, then you dump.

 

Good luck going forth... Start your reading with the link below:

 

https://www.essentiallifeskills.net/personalboundaries.html

 

Don't let him back into your life, he's holding you back from finding a good man that values you.

Thank you ! And for the links . I am going to read up

[mandeelove]

Being on time is a big deal, and important. Your guy is taking advantage and completely disrespectful. There are people who are just plain tardy...it's their thing. You know this, and you work around it. They are good people the rest of the time. My stepfather was one of "those people." He was respectful and kind and responsible in every other way, but if you wanted him to be on time, you had to tell him the time to meet was 30 minutes earlier, meaning, if you wanted him there by 7, you had to say he had to be there by 6:30. With work, this was not a requirement, he showed up, and early...the rest of the time, he was late.

 

Then there is the disrespectful, don't give a hoot guy...your guy. He decided to drink up with is buddies and you can pick up the key and wait?? No. And I guess this is repeated with a history of perpetual tardiness. How many times did he not even show up? You waited, and he didn't bother to show up at all?

 

I've been around this with a couple of OLD guys, and I just leave. Sorry, but when we agree to meet at 8, that's not the time that you decide it's time to get in the shower first and then leave the house...you do all that ahead of time and be there promptly. It is disrespectful of you and your time to leave you dangling. You can forgive traffic and last minute dramas that cause tardiness a couple of times, but repeatedly? No.

Thank you! Yes to everything you said. I am the same way with time. I value it. Also I go out of my way to drive to this guy. I factor in traffic and everything and I still arrive on time. Then to arrive and see he is late, isnt fair.. I take the traveling off of him. Im the only one who makes effort with that, all he has to do is be on time at his house. Couldnt even do that and sees no issue in it.

 

The major thing that bugs me is that he values other people's time. If it's work, family, a business meeting, you name it, he is on time. With me its just late 24 7. So although I complained constantly, he still wasnt fearful of being late with me.

[Batya33]

Thank you! Yes to everything you said. I am the same way with time. I value it. Also I go out of my way to drive to this guy. I factor in traffic and everything and I still arrive on time. Then to arrive and see he is late, isnt fair.. I take the traveling off of him. Im the only one who makes effort with that, all he has to do is be on time at his house. Couldnt even do that and sees no issue in it.

 

The major thing that bugs me is that he values other people's time. If it's work, family, a business meeting, you name it, he is on time. With me its just late 24 7. So although I complained constantly, he still wasnt fearful of being late with me.

 

So that's the problem -he can see the martyrdom and I bet that's annoying to him. You obviously resent doing all the traveling and he knows it or at least can sense it and then he feels like he's supposed to be even more punctual because you have taken on the travel burden. If you're going to feel that resentful don't do it and if his punctuality issues will bother you even more because you did all the traveling don't do it. Or do it a lot less. My husband picks me up from shopping from time to time (I don't drive, long, lame story). I ask him very very rarely and it's a very short trip. But yes if he is late I don't feel I can complain even if our ice cream is melting (meaning, emergency situation!!) - he is driving, he is helping me load the car, etc.

 

And yes I do certain things for him I start to resent. But I self-talk, remind me of all he does for me, how I might not be factoring that in that well at 6:30am on a Sunday, and I do feel better. And if I don't I own that -I figure out what I'm going to do about it so it doesn't escalate. It might mean talking to him, it might mean regaining perspective, it might mean some other way. So yes, if you are doing all the traveling because you want to, fine - but then you don't get to be extra frustrated if he is late. If you resent doing it, own the resentment and do something about it from an assertive, self-care perspective. In part he may see you as a doormat.

[Wiseman2]

It's a bit confusing. He's your exbf but the other night you drove from your parents house where you live to his house and waited for him while he was out at a bar?

[boltnrun]

It's a bit confusing. He's your exbf but the other night you drove from your parents house where you live to his house and waited for him while he was out at a bar?

 

She already explained that, she is calling him her ex now because they broke up after this incident.

[mandeelove]

I understand your point of view but why should I cut out driving just to avoid dealing with his punctuality. Why as a grown man should he not learn respect or consideration? Learn to be on time like the rest of his appointments? He does not have a disability, or a lack of funds, or even a good reason as to why he wont drive. He simply tells me he will never drive to me. Too much traffic over by me and he "doesnt go there." But he turns around and drives everywhere else...

 

I do have resentment because I sit in the same traffic he speaks of. Put alot of my time into it. And when I drive I know that if I didnt drive, I'd never see him. Its alot of pressure. However Im willing to do it happily if when I arrive hes on time and respectful, which he isnt. Hes not appreciative. So he doesnt pick up for the lack. Thats where my resentment builds.

 

It shouldnt be pressure on him. It should be common sense that if someone is coming to your house you should be there to let them in.

[Pleasedonot5]

My now ex bf was always late to our dates or anything we had to do. 2 years of dating and I can't remember when he ever didn't keep me waiting somewhere for more than 20 mins. I always was on time. Somehow he always bent the rules.

 

The other night I confirmed our date 5 times. He even got annoyed bcuz I kept double checking the time. But thats usually what I do since he is inconsistent.

 

I showed up on time and noticed he wasnt home yet. I thought" here we go again". (I only drive to him by the way. He never comes to me). I called him and he said he was still out at the bar with his friend and that I should come to that bar and pick up his house key to let myself in. Implying he was going to stay out longer. I got so upset, gave him a piece of my mind , and drove all the way back home. I couldnt even stomach what he did. I just left.

 

This is just one symptom of our relationship issues. He never respects things when it comes to me. Im always last. But with other people, hes ALWAyS on time. Early even! Its only me with whom hes late and does disrespectful things. When I told him this he said its my fault. I should of drove to get the house key and Im the weirdo for going home. Never admitted he was an hour late and we had a date at a certain time. Ultimatley we broke up and he told me he hated me.

 

I guess Im just venting and also trying to have anyone agree with me. He makes me feel like its always my fault. Am I right in this situation? How important is respecting time in your relationships? Would u dump a guy or girl over this if it kept happening? And why would a person be on time for everything else except you?

You are absolutely right in this situation. He was disrespecting you and your time. Blatantly.

[Batya33]

I understand your point of view but why should I cut out driving just to avoid dealing with his punctuality. Why as a grown man should he not learn respect or consideration? Learn to be on time like the rest of his appointments? He does not have a disability, or a lack of funds, or even a good reason as to why he wont drive. He simply tells me he will never drive to me. Too much traffic over by me and he "doesnt go there." But he turns around and drives everywhere else...

 

I do have resentment because I sit in the same traffic he speaks of. Put alot of my time into it. And when I drive I know that if I didnt drive, I'd never see him. Its alot of pressure. However Im willing to do it happily if when I arrive hes on time and respectful, which he isnt. Hes not appreciative. So he doesnt pick up for the lack. Thats where my resentment builds.

 

It shouldnt be pressure on him. It should be common sense that if someone is coming to your house you should be there to let them in.

 

Of course he knows how to be on time. He chooses not to be on time for you. He chooses not to put in the effort for you. If you'd never see him if you didn't drive then you already have your answer. He does not want to put in equal effort to see you. If you didn't mind driving and didn't expect his "appreciation" to the extent you do then fine -couples figure out what works for them. But you do mind and you feel pressured that if you don't drive he won't come see you. You also feel resentful that you're doing all the driving so not only is he supposed to be really appreciative (why? he doesn't ask you to do all the driving - he just knows that you're willing to settle for doing that in order to have the privilege of seeing him -that's the impression) but he has to deal with your resentment when he didn't actually ask you to do all the driving - he'd be fine seeing you less apparently. That's the issue not the punctuality as much.

[Hollyj]

He does not care about you. This is clear.

 

You are saying the same thing, over and over.

 

Be done with this already. You need to address why you continue to return to this.

[katrina1980]

So that's the problem -he can see the martyrdom and I bet that's annoying to him. You obviously resent doing all the traveling and he knows it or at least can sense it and then he feels like he's supposed to be even more punctual because you have taken on the travel burden. If you're going to feel that resentful don't do it and if his punctuality issues will bother you even more because you did all the traveling don't do it. Or do it a lot less. My husband picks me up from shopping from time to time (I don't drive, long, lame story). I ask him very very rarely and it's a very short trip. But yes if he is late I don't feel I can complain even if our ice cream is melting (meaning, emergency situation!!) - he is driving, he is helping me load the car, etc.

 

And yes I do certain things for him I start to resent. But I self-talk, remind me of all he does for me, how I might not be factoring that in that well at 6:30am on a Sunday, and I do feel better. And if I don't I own that -I figure out what I'm going to do about it so it doesn't escalate. It might mean talking to him, it might mean regaining perspective, it might mean some other way. So yes, if you are doing all the traveling because you want to, fine - but then you don't get to be extra frustrated if he is late. If you resent doing it, own the resentment and do something about it from an assertive, self-care perspective. In part he may see you as a doormat.

 

This^^ - fantastic post Batya!

 

The negative energy was just bouncing back and forth between them, causing a very unhealthy dynamic.

 

Mandee, as I suggested earlier, best to stop focusing on "his" poor behavior, look within and focus on your own behavior and how you contributed to the breakdown.

 

Relationships involve two people and the dynamic "they" have established together.

[figureitout23]

I understand your point of view but why should I cut out driving just to avoid dealing with his punctuality. Why as a grown man should he not learn respect or consideration? Learn to be on time like the rest of his appointments? He does not have a disability, or a lack of funds, or even a good reason as to why he wont drive. He simply tells me he will never drive to me. Too much traffic over by me and he "doesnt go there." But he turns around and drives everywhere else...

I do have resentment because I sit in the same traffic he speaks of. Put alot of my time into it. And when I drive I know that if I didnt drive, I'd never see him. Its alot of pressure. However Im willing to do it happily if when I arrive hes on time and respectful, which he isnt. Hes not appreciative. So he doesnt pick up for the lack. Thats where my resentment builds.

 

It shouldnt be pressure on him. It should be common sense that if someone is coming to your house you should be there to let them in.

 

Mandee re the bold, we have been telling you for months and months and months, he does not respect you. For whatever reason you seem to insist on placing standards on him when he is simply not meeting them. For whatever reason you either cannot or refuse to believe it. Look at the bold, he should do this, its common courtesy to do that. These are your standards you're expecting him to meet and when he doesn't instead of accepting that and walking away, as batya pointed out, you become a martyr. Hes your ex how and hopefully it'll stay that way, history and this post unfortunately says it probably wont, but the truth is you really do have the power to change this. As someone else pointed out you're wasting time that could be spent finding a man who treats you the way you truly deserve.

[katrina1980]

Mandee re the bold, we have been telling you for months and months and months, he does not respect you. For whatever reason you seem to insist on placing standards on him when he is simply not meeting them. For whatever reason you either cannot or refuse to believe it. Look at the bold, he should do this, its common courtesy to do that. These are your standards you're expecting him to meet and when he doesn't instead of accepting that and walking away, as batya pointed out, you become a martyr. Hes your ex how and hopefully it'll stay that way, history and this post unfortunately says it probably wont, but the truth is you really do have the power to change this. As someone else pointed out you're wasting time that could be spent finding a man who treats you the way you truly deserve.

 

^^And this deserves a cut and paste on your fridge!!

[Capricorn3]

You are saying the same thing, over and over.

 

Be done with this already. You need to address why you continue to return to this.

I second this post.

[Capricorn3]

Mandee, you've complained about him over and over again for months, then you said you ended it (more than once, I believe). Then you come back and refer to him as your "boyfriend" again, saying "Oh, we worked it out". Then another issue comes up.

 

When will you decide this guy isn't the right one for you once and for all? Why keep going back? Why keep trying to force this to work?

 

Was it Albert Einstein that said: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results”. ?

 

OP, maybe time to look into counselling to help you figure out where all of this is coming from.

[boltnrun]

And relationships aren't like prison (or at least they shouldn't be!). Time served gets you nothing if the time was spent going back and forth over the same old ground with nothing changing or improving. And time served doesn't mean you are obligated to stay with that person (on parole, so to speak) or that they are obligated to "change" for you.

[abitbroken]

If someone is always 10 minutes late --- if everything else is great about the relationship, you just decide to live with it and occasionally tell them 8:00 when you mean 8:30. believe what the others have said --- if he tells you he is "still at the bar, come get the keys" - that's a lack of respect completely. He did not call you at 7:30 and say that he ran into an old friend and may be closer to 8:30.

[Jibralta]

if he tells you he is "still at the bar, come get the keys" - that's a lack of respect completely. He did not call you at 7:30 and say that he ran into an old friend and may be closer to 8:30.

 

Yeah. Translation: "You're the least important part of my life and I want you to be aware of that."

[Sportster2005]

He's not going to change. If you tolerate it now, you will have to tolerate it forever.

 

If you're calling him weirdo, and he says he hates you, you are in a toxic relationship.

[boltnrun]

Mandee, please tell us this time the breakup will stick. Please tell us you haven't decided to "work it out" with him yet again.

[mandeelove]

No I see more bad than good in this relationship and long term it could never work for me. Theres too many issues but lack of respect is the theme overall from his end.