Am I flirting with an affair?

[mustlovedogs]

I don’t think telling her is necessarily the right thing. If it’s done just to alleviate guilt, then it’s incredibly selfish.

[katrina1980]

I don’t think telling her is necessarily the right thing. If it’s done just to alleviate guilt, then it’s incredibly selfish.

 

I agree telling her for the sole purpose of alleviating guilt is selfish and the wrong reason to tell her.

 

Which is why I did not present that scenario in my post.

 

He should tell her in an effort to address issues that caused him to be drawn to this young woman in the first place and to act on it.

 

Call me crazy but in this particular situation, if I were his wife I'd be listening and make my decision (whether to stay or leave) after that, depending on what was said, if he owned it, learned from it, etc.

 

That said, had he had full blown sex with her I may feel differently, probably would!

[Exotic86]

You need to manage your guilt. If you really don't want to lose her then become a better person. Don't give in to such temptations again. Telling her about the kiss is not going to make her trust you for being so honest. Ironically, you'd be 'honest' to her about 'cheating' on her. Let's compensate for the guilty feelings by NEVER doing that again.

 

That co-worker kissed you but I don't see any major sign that she is interested in you. Giving a gift to a co-worker is nothing. Even if there is something going on, just don't give it so much importance that you become obsessed with her.

[Pleasedonot5]

I don’t think telling her is necessarily the right thing. If it’s done just to alleviate guilt, then it’s incredibly selfish.

I'm inclined to agree on this one. Causing a lot of hurt where there doesn't need to be.

 

Drop the temptress, focus on making your marriage better, and resolve never to have this happen again. Alternatively, tell the truth, risk her hurt and leaving you, but get it off your chest.

 

I don't know. This is a major gray area. I don't think I would leave a partner over a kiss.

[katrina1980]

I'm inclined to agree on this one. Causing a lot of hurt where there doesn't need to be.

 

Drop the temptress, focus on making your marriage better, and resolve never to have this happen again. Alternatively, tell the truth, risk her hurt and leaving you, but get it off your chest.

 

I don't know. This is a major gray area.

 

---

 

I don't think I would leave a partner over a kiss.

 

Yeah I don't think I would either. I would still want to know though.

 

God I hate secrets like this. But I foster openness and honesty in my relationships, so he would feel "safe" telling me without fear of punishment.

 

And if he did not tell me but somehow came out later? That's worse than the actual act itself.

 

Agree don't tell her to alleviate guilt.

[Pleasedonot5]

Yeah I don't think I would either. I would still want to know though.

 

God I hate secrets like this. But I foster openness and honesty in my relationships, so he would feel "safe" telling me without fear of punishment.

 

And if he did not tell me but somehow came out later? That's worse than the actual act itself.

 

Agree don't tell her to alleviate guilt.

Yeah I agree. This one has me confused to what I would do. I know if I was on the receiving end I'd rather know. I'd probably explore reasons as to why it happened. But a break-up wouldn't be off the table either. Would largely depend on circumstance. Agree that if I found out later it would be beyond awful for both of us.

[pixelgoddess]

Yes I know. I feel terrible about that. The currently cheating remark surprised me though. The realization of what that means sheds some light on my actions. Cheating isn't always physical.

 

Kissing another woman when you are married is cheating! If you want to stay married, you need to stop paying attention to this woman before it goes any further. Your wife will sniff this out so fast and then it may be too late.

[katrina1980]

Yeah I agree. This one has me confused to what I would do. I know if I was on the receiving end I'd rather know. I'd probably explore reasons as to why it happened. But a break-up wouldn't be off the table either. Would largely depend on circumstance. Agree that if I found out later it would be beyond awful for both of us.

 

Yeah circumstance and if he owned it, took responsibility for it, and didn't attempt to flip it back on me (for not giving him enough attention or something). Gaslighting.

[Capricorn3]

I'm a middle aged married man.

 

I need to travel with her again. Do I need to be careful? But since we've already made a bad decision with the kiss have I opened the door up to trouble?

 

how to deal with the situation.

 

OP, you already KNOW you have crossed the line and cheated. I am surprised you even ask "do you need to be careful?". Clearly you KNOW the answer to that is a very obvious YES. You say you are middle aged, so surely not that naive, right?

 

How to deal with the situation: You put an immediate stop to all of these flirtatious interactions. You make sure to NOT put yourself in any situation where you cross the line again. If she makes any move on you, it is for YOU to tell her in no uncertain terms to back off and stay off because you are not prepared to wreck your marriage, and mean it. All of this is in YOUR hands and your control. If you continue flirting, you know you'll cross the line (which you already done), and that is on YOU.

 

Are you flirting with an affair? Yes, you are and you know it. It is in your control to end it now. Back off and stay off. Focus on your wife and your marriage.

[catfeeder]

Flirting with a colleague is a dumb career move regardless of who's married.

[Jibralta]

Thanks. A lot to process here. I honestly can say it's not my ego. It's more like I'm dumbfounded that there's interest in me. I know it's wrong and I have to figure out how to let this go.

My marriage is ok. This has made me realize there is something missing. And it's my fault, not my wife's. She's perfect and I don't deserve her. But I'm realizing I married her because everyone else loves her. She's so perfect etc. I don't understand why I did what I did. But it was easy to give in. Since I did not pursue it. Something has scratched the surface of my emotional state in my marriage. Kissing this girl has made me realize I've been dishonest with myself. I don't know if I'll tell her...

 

You make yourself sound like a victim. It sounds like you've never been honest with yourself. It sounds like you're saying you've lied to yourself throughout your marriage until this kiss 'woke you up.' So your claim that "I can honestly say it's not my ego" doesn't hold much value. You are not familiar with honesty.

 

The only reason I cared if she liked me or not was based on what I would do next. My plan is to NOT engage in further actions. If I understood she liked me, or wanted more my plan was to talk to her. Tell her it wont go further. If shes simply just being respectful than I wasn't going to say anything and act as if nothing happened. This is not what I wanted. It happened. Im just trying to deal with it and I do understand my post reads selfishly. I get it. I did overstep the mark. Now I just want to make everything ok.

 

If you truly weren't interested in cheating with your coworker, you wouldn't pretend that her feelings are part of this equation. What your coworker feels is completely irrelevant to your marriage. If you cared about your marriage, you would simply cut your coworker off completely beyond professional interaction. Romantic feelings are not part of a professional relationship.

 

I think you will become a part of the "it just happened" contingent of cheaters. You're already part of the "it just happened" contingent of husbands.

[Snny]

Flirting with a colleague is a dumb career move regardless of who's married.

This was the first thing that crossed my mind. With all that hype and witchhunt on sexual allegations going on now... If I were a man I would be extremely leery of any female coworker making advances within a workplace. And now that the OP engaged and is planning to turn her away, she could get pissed and file a sexual harassment report on him to HR. Put him under investigation. And his wife will DEFINITELY know about it?

 

I've known some women who will play this job political game. They exist.

 

You are playing with fire by engaging with a coworker romantically these days.

[katrina1980]

Thanks. A lot to process here. I honestly can say it's not my ego. It's more like I'm dumbfounded that there's interest in me. I know it's wrong and I have to figure out how to let this go.

 

My marriage is ok. This has made me realize there is something missing. And it's my fault, not my wife's. She's perfect and I don't deserve her.

 

---

 

But I'm realizing I married her because everyone else loves her. She's so perfect etc. I don't understand why I did what I did. But it was easy to give in. Since I did not pursue it. Something has scratched the surface of my emotional state in my marriage. Kissing this girl has made me realize I've been dishonest with myself. I don't know if I'll tell her...

 

Oh my goodness, I need to respond to this.

 

My dad married my mom for literally the *same* reasons. She was beautiful, smart, had social connections, was extremely popular, etc etc but he "never" loved her and SHE pursued him. She was actually the one who proposed marriage!

 

He was actually in love with her best friend the entire time! But she had married his (my dad's) best friend who used to play for the NY Giants, then he coached them and then he died.

 

*That* is when he divorced my mom and pursued her and married her. My dad told me she was the "love of his life."

 

Anyway, my parent's marriage was horrible because of this! And we (the kids - 6) felt it. It really impacted one of my brothers and myself very deeply, in fact. That's for another thread.

 

My dad had affairs almost from the beginning. I actually met some of these women who were also married, and "friends" with both of my parents.

 

I was a very perceptive kid and knew. I asked my dad after their divorce and he didn't deny. And apologized, he had no idea I had figured it out.

 

He even had an affair with my first boss!

 

If I had to venture a guess, it would be these affairs started with a "kiss" and led to more.

 

Do you and your wife have kids? Do you plan to?

 

I am only posting this cause, as a man who admittedly is not "in love," REALLY in love, with his own wife, and never was, you are playing with fire here, big time.

 

This empty feeling you have is not going to go away. Oh you will adjust and make do, perhaps even feeling "content" at times, but the emotional void will still be there. Drawing you to other women.

 

I don't know what to tell you. It doesn't appear you have any problems in your marriage to resolve other than the fact you don't love her! Not sure even therapy or marriage counseling can help you with that one.

 

And if she had not pursued you, you would not be married to her at all.

 

I suppose all you can do, aside from divorcing her and allowing her to find a man who "does" love her and won't cheat, is to accept that this is your bed to lie in (so to speak).

 

I highly doubt she held a gun to your head to marry her, so accept that this was YOUR decision, own that, stay true to the vows, exercise *integrity,* and going forward fight off temptations.

 

Good luck.

[Scarlet2]

I'm a middle aged married man. I recently kissed a younger co worker on one of our business trips. She initiated it and I followed. Since then I've noticed I've gotten more attention than usual from her. She'll text me once and a while but nothing inappropriate or discussing what happened. I'm not trying to engage in taking what happened any further. But I also don't want to assume she's interested. Just because she's being nice to me doesn't mean she wants anything more. I think we're both embarrassed but I also don't want to send he mixed signals. What's the best way to deal with this? Is it possible that she likes me? She's not being overbearing or inappropriate but on my birthday she bought me a small and thoughtful gift. My coworkers also took me out for a drink on my birthday. She couldn't make it but sent me a text message saying she was bummed she couldn't make it out. I need to travel with her again. Do I need to be careful? I feel so naive about this. I didn't ever expect this to happen. Ive always assumed someone being nice to me was simply that. But since we've already made a bad decision with the kiss have I opened the door up to trouble?

 

I know I'm being an idiot. But I'm also just trying to process what I'm feeling and how to deal with the situation. If she's simply being nice and this isn't flirting I wont read into it.

 

Thanks!

 

Is it possible that she likes you? I think so because I know that I wouldn’t kiss someone unless I like them.

 

Do you need to be careful? Yes. The more time you spend around her, regardless of what you’re talking about, feelings will continue to develop. If you don’t want anything to ever happen with her, always make sure someone else is around, never be alone with her, always keep the conversations work related.

 

Reevaluate your marriage and consider divorcing. We are only on Earth one time, you shouldn't have to feel like you should stay married because everyone loves her. If you want out, get out. There will be hurt and disapproval but you’ll finally be living authentically and anyone who doesn’t want you to be genuinely happy shouldn’t be in your life anyway.

[Hemingway278]

Is it possible that she likes you? I think so because I know that I wouldn’t kiss someone unless I like them.

 

Do you need to be careful? Yes. The more time you spend around her, regardless of what you’re talking about, feelings will continue to develop. If you don’t want anything to ever happen with her, always make sure someone else is around, never be alone with her, always keep the conversations work related.

 

Reevaluate your marriage and consider divorcing. We are only on Earth one time, you shouldn't have to feel like you should stay married because everyone loves her. If you want out, get out. There will be hurt and disapproval but you’ll finally be living authentically and anyone who doesn’t want you to be genuinely happy shouldn’t be in your life anyway.

 

I'm being careful. And I've taken all advice on this thread to heart. My post doesn't read well and I would have re positioned a few things but in a nutshell I'm at fault and I need to do some soul searching. I haven't had the courage to tell the girl at the office how I feel because I still don't think her being nice to me means she likes me. I guess I'm worried about looking like a fool by insinuating she has feelings for me. When she could be feeling just as awkward as I am. Regardless this was a wake up call. I'm confused and I feel guilty. She did start texting me the other night over some random things. So maybe thats a perfect opportunity to set boundaries. Everyone on here seems to have an answer. But it's tricky.

[thealchemist]

It really isn't that tricky.

 

You just have to decide.

 

It should also be a no brainer.

 

If it isn't maybe you need to do some more soul searching.

 

If anyone or anything came between me and my wife there wouldn't be anything tricky about it.

[Jibralta]

My post doesn't read well and I would have re positioned a few things but in a nutshell I'm at fault and I need to do some soul searching....Everyone on here seems to have an answer.

 

Yeah, because it's obvious that you are intent on having an affair.

 

You should ask the mods to change the title of your thread to "How Can I Start Having an Affair?"

 

Then you would get different answers.

 

I haven't had the courage to tell the girl at the office how I feel because I still don't think her being nice to me means she likes me. I guess I'm worried about looking like a fool by insinuating she has feelings for me. When she could be feeling just as awkward as I am.

 

Why else would you tell this girl about your feelings?

 

She did start texting me the other night over some random things. So maybe thats a perfect opportunity to set boundaries.

 

Great idea. I'm going to go hang out in Cinnabon. It's a perfect opportunity to practice my diet.

 

It's incredible to me that your "what is she thinking" statements are peppered with statements like this:

 

Regardless this was a wake up call.

 

I guess that's how you lie to yourself.

[Hemingway278]

Yeah, because it's obvious that you are intent on having an affair.

 

You should ask the mods to change the title of your thread to "How Can I Start Having an Affair?"

 

Then you would get different answers.

 

 

 

Why else would you tell this girl about your feelings?

 

 

 

Great idea. I'm going to go hang out in Cinnabon. It's a perfect opportunity to practice my diet.

 

It's incredible to me that your "what is she thinking" statements are peppered with statements like this:

 

 

 

I guess that's how you lie to yourself.

 

I'm not looking to proceed. When I say how I feel I mean I cant allow this to progress. I just havent said it to her because I'm assuming she knows it cant. I just dont want to make a bigger deal out of this mess by implying she wants more. I dont. Because it's a work situation I need to be cautious. My sould searching lies within myself and the mistake I made and what's been brought to the surface. I get the feeling that there are quite a few people that have been on the receiving end of this situation and I can see the anguish it causes. I'm not the victim, I'm at fault. But it happened and I have to deal with it. I'm NOT looking to have an affair - or extend it. My words are being misinterpreted because I'm terrible with writing out my feelings and describing them in an accurate matter. I simply was just trying to gauge if I needed to talk to this girl about what happened. Or to let it go. Her attention towards me is confusing now since we've kissed. That is all. As far as my marriage goes, I need to really think about what is best. And I know an affair isnt the answer. But my actions have shed light on something I've ignored.

[Unreasonable]

You realized you did wrong, and are seeing a counselor, right? IF you cut this woman out of your life completely, are 99% sure this will never come back and bite you in the ass, and and are certain this will never happen again, and will never become a pattern, I wouldn't tell the wife.

 

But those are the ONLY conditions I wouldn't tell her. Sure, there are people that believe there are no misdemeanors in marriage, and that's fine. I'm not one of them. I think marriages in which nothing sketchy EVER happens are few and far between. I certainly would have been divorced a LONG time ago. But I would hope, that if your wife succumbs to being human, you won't be a hypocritical jerk about it.

 

Anyway, my $.02.

[journeynow]

But it's tricky.

 

No, it's not. It's very simple, really. My guess is you are not happy in your marriage, and that is why you are not clear on this and worried about her feelings and that you need to tell her how you feel. Do you understand what boundaries are and why you need them? Other people don't build your boundaries, YOU DO based on YOUR values.

[katrina1980]

OP not sure if you read my post or not; I am assuming you did not which is fine, your preogative.

 

But the fact remains, by your own admission, "something" is missing in your marriage, you would not have married your wife had *she* not pursued you, you are not "in love" with her.

 

Nevertheless, you made a commitment. Own that, honor that.

 

You made a mistake kissing this girl, ok it happened, let it go. Shyt happens.

 

Stop over-analyzing everything; IF (massive IF) this girl begins pursuing you, deal with it then.

 

Ideally by telling her, very assertively, you are married, and not interested.

 

Period end of.

 

Why are you continuing going on about it? This suggests to me you "want" her to be interested and if she is you would be thrilled and would pursue it.

 

You're not fooling anyone about that, you are very transparent.

 

You can deny until hell freezes over, not buying it. You wouldn't be going on about it like this if that were the case.

[highlandman]

Hemingway 278 - I was exactly where you were almost 4 years ago - I was 38 and a pretty girl who was 21 flirted with me and I let it happen and I kissed her. - 4 years later I left my wife had a relationship with the 21 year old, - had to move out. split up with the 21 year old and repaired my marriage. I haven't seen the girl in 2 years and she's in my head every day. - You kissed her, -you're flattered. WALK AWAY.

 

I took things further and it has tainted my entire life. No matter what you think you're feeling, you're really not. If you don't love your wife then walk away from her live on your own for 6 months and then go shopping, but do not try and make a sensible decision whilst your head is full of crazy thoughts and feelings. you will lose it all if you do.

[reinventmyself]

I err on the side of the being the wife who doesn't want to know.

 

If it were just a simple kiss and he was able to turn it around on his own and step up, correct and make things better then please don't relieve your guilt and tell me.

If it were anything other than a kiss, that would be a totally different story.

Mind you, I am not condoning it. I am just picking my battles here.

 

There is so much to lose in a marriage. If he catches himself in time, then puts it behind him and learns a valuable lesson and is a better partner for having learned from it, then it's just not something that I need to know.

 

If it makes sense - I would probably want to know, but ultimately do not need to know. Weight the cost/benefits here.

 

Bytheway. . if she is recently texting you. . you have your answer. Squash this. .ASAP.

[90_hour_sleep]

I err on the side of the being the wife who doesn't want to know.

 

If it were just a simple kiss and he was able to turn it around on his own and step up, correct and make things better then please don't relieve your guilt and tell me.

If it were anything other than a kiss, that would be a totally different story.

Mind you, I am not condoning it. I am just picking my battles here.

 

There is so much to lose in a marriage. If he catches himself in time, then puts it behind him and learns a valuable lesson and is a better partner for having learned from it, then it's just not something that I need to know.

 

If it makes sense - I would probably want to know, but ultimately do not need to know. Weight the cost/benefits here.

 

Bytheway. . if she is recently texting you. . you have your answer. Squash this. .ASAP.

 

Such a polarized topic. Glad you're able to share this perspective...as unpopular as it tends to be in a forum such as this one.

 

I'm not sure where I'd stand on the wanting to know spectrum. But what you say makes a lot of sense. Weighing the situation carefully...in the context of the specific relationships and people involved (which only those people are fully capable of doing). That tends to get glossed over here because it triggers people on such an emotional level. Hooked...

 

I wondered from the beginning whether this guy's wife would be the type that would want to know. Maybe she's happy with the way things are. Maybe it wouldn't be as upsetting for her as it would be for a lot of others. Maybe not knowing is fine for something like a kiss. One kiss. Unforgivable for some. For others, not so much. I've met people who feel this way. A kiss wouldn't be such a monumental thing to them. It's more what the kiss represents (which is possible to figure out, and discuss. this is a part of relationships. you don't always get to choose your challenges). And, I think if your relationship feels nurturing and open to challenge, then maybe it's quite workable. Maybe not so true in this particular instance. Seems the relationship might not be thriving in that way?Maybe it's a place to start from to make the relationship better. Why did it happen? ''He's a cheater,'' isn't necessarily the actual reason. It's a pretty simplistic one, and ignores the complexities of relating with other people. Huge mistake to some. Forgivable and curiosity-invoking in others. So much depends on the people involved.

 

There's a chance that something like this could make someone a better partner. Not sure it applies to this situation (a lot of missing information). Get swept off by sensations. Feelings.

[Scarlet2]

I'm not looking to proceed. When I say how I feel I mean I cant allow this to progress. I just havent said it to her because I'm assuming she knows it cant. I just dont want to make a bigger deal out of this mess by implying she wants more. I dont. Because it's a work situation I need to be cautious. My sould searching lies within myself and the mistake I made and what's been brought to the surface. I get the feeling that there are quite a few people that have been on the receiving end of this situation and I can see the anguish it causes. I'm not the victim, I'm at fault. But it happened and I have to deal with it. I'm NOT looking to have an affair - or extend it. My words are being misinterpreted because I'm terrible with writing out my feelings and describing them in an accurate matter. I simply was just trying to gauge if I needed to talk to this girl about what happened. Or to let it go. Her attention towards me is confusing now since we've kissed. That is all. As far as my marriage goes, I need to really think about what is best. And I know an affair isnt the answer. But my actions have shed light on something I've ignored.

 

No, you don’t need to talk to the girl about what happened. If you start a dialog with her about it, it will open up a whole bunch more you really don’t want to deal with, trust me. If you need to talk about your thoughts, keep posting here or you can message me, I’m a non judgmental zone. All you need to do is stick to your boundary of not pursuing it, consistently use the words “I” and also use “married”. Don’t use your wife as a reason, don’t mention your wife at all. For example don’t say “my wife doesn’t want me to go to lunch with you” or “my wife won’t let me talk to you anymore” all that does is deflect it to the wife and the girl will still think it’s okay because you didn’t say “I”.