Am I flirting with an affair?

[boltnrun]

Personally, I think your "need" to talk to the woman you cheated with is really you hoping she is interested and does want to pursue an affair. You're just trying to pretend it isn't.

 

Why would you want to play with fire like that? The only possible reason is that you're hoping she's interested.

 

And why is she texting you after work hours? Again, more playing with fire.

 

You can stop this now, or you can continue the way you have been, which will end up with you being one of the "I don't know how, it just happened!" cheaters.

 

You're the one who has to look at yourself in the mirror. Try to be sure the person looking back at you is someone you can be proud of.

[itsallgrand]

Does the woman who kisses you and is pursuing you know you are married?

 

I'm on team 'a partner deserves the truth'. I don't think it's your right to withhold important information about what you are doing to hurt the relationship and betray her. She deserves to know so she can make up her own mind if she wishes to work this through with you or no.

 

It's simple accountability. You did something wrong. You don't want to face the concequences, so you are looking for ways to justify lying even more.

 

But taking accountability means owning up to your mistakes, and doing what it takes to make things right with those harmed. Your wife is the harmed party here.

 

The woman who kissed you , depending on her knowledge of you being married or not, different actions accordingly. She deserves an apology if she didn't know. If she knew, she's not good people, and again- being honest and transparent is how you can cover your butt best as protection to her potentially trying to use this against you. Women who use sexuality for power plays do exist.

[Jibralta]

Personally, I think your "need" to talk to the woman you cheated with is really you hoping she is interested and does want to pursue an affair.

 

That's how I'm reading it. There's no need to talk to his coworker about this. All he needs to do is to act in a completely professional manner from here on. That means no talking or texting that isn't work-related. No getting caught alone with her, etc. Very easy, unless you want to accidentally fall into an affair.

[Vanishing Girl]

In case it’s not clear (and to answer your question), there’s NO REASON to say anything further to this coworker. Let it go. End of story.

 

Go to counseling to find out what’s missing in your marriage and to address your lack of self awareness.

 

I think I understand what you originally asked and I also understand why people on here thinks it implies you want more with the coworker (even though you keep saying you don’t). No one really knows unless they know you 100% and you’re the only one with that potential. But with your obvious lack of awareness of yourself you may do yourself more harm than good talking to your wife or coworker. Seek counseling.

[itsallgrand]

I find it interesting how some people determine the line of when it's ok to withhold information about a betrayal.

 

A bit of a tangeant, but it calls to mind to me a situation where a grandmother encouraged her teen grand daughter not to tell about taking money from a loved ones purse, as she believed it would only disappoint the person and cause them to see the teen differently and to behave differently with her. The grandmother even went as far as to lie about it to help cover up the teens tracks.

I remember being sad about that, and I did feel the grandmother was not only doing something wrong by encouraging lying and evasion of accountability, but I felt the term to was being robbed of a valuable learning opportunity and chance to build character and self awareness and coping skills.

Also the loved one truly cared about the term and was working on a relationship of trust, the stealing was a regression but would just mean more work not dooming trust forever, and the grandmother interfered with that in a negative way by encouraging her to ' don't tell, just don't do it again'. Obviously if the term had the self awareness not to do it again, she wouldn't have struggled so hard in what to do - she would have came forward herself.

 

These are not parallel situations, and one deals with a term, while OPs is all adults and it is about fidelity in a relationship and boundaries, rather than stealing.

But the same compass inside drives where people draw lines of when it's ok to hide mistakes which hurt others, and when it's not, and how to appropriately handle it.

 

Councilling is rarely a bad idea, and sometimes people need that. It does seem OP is swimming in waters he's having trouble getting back from. I'm saying accountability can be a life raft sometimes- it's not a terrible thing. And we all have to decide as well what kind of people we want to be.

[mustlovedogs]

I find it interesting how some people determine the line of when it's ok to withhold information about a betrayal.

 

A bit of a tangeant, but it calls to mind to me a situation where a grandmother encouraged her teen grand daughter not to tell about taking money from a loved ones purse, as she believed it would only disappoint the person and cause them to see the teen differently and to behave differently with her. The grandmother even went as far as to lie about it to help cover up the teens tracks.

I remember being sad about that, and I did feel the grandmother was not only doing something wrong by encouraging lying and evasion of accountability, but I felt the term to was being robbed of a valuable learning opportunity and chance to build character and self awareness and coping skills.

Also the loved one truly cared about the term and was working on a relationship of trust, the stealing was a regression but would just mean more work not dooming trust forever, and the grandmother interfered with that in a negative way by encouraging her to ' don't tell, just don't do it again'. Obviously if the term had the self awareness not to do it again, she wouldn't have struggled so hard in what to do - she would have came forward herself.

 

These are not parallel situations, and one deals with a term, while OPs is all adults and it is about fidelity in a relationship and boundaries, rather than stealing.

But the same compass inside drives where people draw lines of when it's ok to hide mistakes which hurt others, and when it's not, and how to appropriately handle it.

 

Councilling is rarely a bad idea, and sometimes people need that. It does seem OP is swimming in waters he's having trouble getting back from. I'm saying accountability can be a life raft sometimes- it's not a terrible thing. And we all have to decide as well what kind of people we want to be.

 

Did you read the reasoning for why I would want it withheld? I’m not saying he should withhold for himself but rather for the sake of the marriage.

 

I wouldn’t leave someone over one kiss. So I would rather not know, given the conditions I lined out, because knowing does more harm than good.

 

That’s MY selfish POV as the one who was BETRAYED. I’m not letting OP off the hook, I’m saying his guilt is his burden to bear if he wants to make the marriage work (under my preference system)

[itsallgrand]

Did you read the reasoning for why I would want it withheld? I’m not saying he should withhold for himself but rather for the sake of the marriage.

 

I wouldn’t leave someone over one kiss. So I would rather not know, given the conditions I lined out, because knowing does more harm than good.

 

That’s MY selfish POV as the one who was BETRAYED. I’m not letting OP off the hook, I’m saying his guilt is his burden to bear if he wants to make the marriage work (under my preference system)

 

Yes I understand. Different points of view, thats all. 'More harm than good' depends how you look at it.

[mustlovedogs]

Yes I understand. Different points of view, thats all. 'More harm than good' depends how you look at it.

 

I agree, but your comparison was not at all along my line of reasoning which is why I clarified. Two very different, unrelated philosophies.

[itsallgrand]

I agree, but your comparison was not at all along my line of reasoning which is why I clarified. Two very different, unrelated philosophies.

 

I understand what you are saying, and I'm sorry if it appeared like I was directing it at you, as I really wasn't.

It was a bit of a tangeant and musing on the different thought processes of people who believe withholding information about betrayals to be the right thing under certain circumstances.

The grandmother truly believed she was doing the right thing and that for her grand daughter to tell would be to needlessly harm the relationship between grand daughter and the loved one she stole from. I saw it a different way, I thought the deceit would ultimately harm the relationship further.

 

I now feel like I've taken up too much space on OPs thread, so I hope it's somewhat clear what I was saying. If not, maybe someone more eloquent on the matter than me will hop in :)

[boltnrun]

What concerns me is the OP believing he needs to "talk" to the woman he kissed. That combined with the after hours texting leads me to believe he is heading down the infidelity path. Maybe telling his wife would knock some sense into him.

[Jibralta]

Telling his wife would put an end to these shenanigans real fast.

[katrina1980]

Telling his wife would put an end to these shenanigans real fast.

 

It may put an end to the marriage too, which may subconsciously be what he wants anyway, since he's not in love with his wife and never was (see his and my previous posts).

 

This thread is 9 pages and not once has he mentioned his wife, except to say that she pushed him into marriage and that he essentially married her for the wrong reasons.

 

He's attempting to talk a good game but I'm not sensing any remorse from him at all.

[boltnrun]

I sense excitement and hope on his part that the young coworker is interested in an affair, under the guise of being confused.

[Hemingway278]

It may put an end to the marriage too, which may subconsciously be what he wants anyway, since he's not in love with his wife and never was (see his and my previous posts).

 

This thread is 9 pages and not once has he mentioned his wife, except to say that she pushed him into marriage and that he essentially married her for the wrong reasons.

 

He's attempting to talk a good game but I'm not sensing any remorse from him at all.

 

My remorse is immense. I'm confused and angry. I hate what I've done yet I did it. Now I'm trying to understand why. This experience has jolted me in many ways. I'm questioning my marriage etc. I have no expectations from this girl. It's a fantasy. I'm 17 years older than her. There is nothing there. But this charged me up and now I have no idea what to do next with myself. There is no progression with the girl. She's always nice to me but that means nothing so I've not had a cool the jets conversation. My assumption is that I do not need to talk to her about it. She hasn't texted me in a few days so I think she's getting the hint. It was kissing only. It's still cheating. But now I'm realizing that a picture perfect wife with everything I could ever hope for still leaves me feeling unfulfilled. And that has zero to do with sex. I'm a good person who made a mistake. But I'm also living a lie and I don't think I'll ever change that because the thought of someone living with heartbreak over me is unbearable.

[Jibralta]

But I'm also living a lie and I don't think I'll ever change that because the thought of someone living with heartbreak over me is unbearable.

 

So tell your wife what you did and maybe she'll leave you. Then you can let other people decide for you once again.

[Scarlet2]

But I'm also living a lie and I don't think I'll ever change that because the thought of someone living with heartbreak over me is unbearable.

 

That’s understandable that you don’t want to hurt your wife and you definitely don’t want an affair because then you’ll be hurting two women. Are you wanting your wife to ask for divorce first?

[Seymore]

But I'm also living a lie and I don't think I'll ever change that because the thought of someone living with heartbreak over me is unbearable.

 

So now you're concerned with the feelings of another person.

 

Well aren't you noble.

 

Very few people PLAN to be "that guy" and that's why I tend to not judge people like that at first (heck, I was the other man once). One minute people are looking down their noses at others, saying "I would NEVER do that" and boom - all of a sudden they're discovering something new about themselves.

 

But the defining part is how you take responsibility for it. Be a man and face the music. You certainly don't play with fire and feel the need to talk to her more about it.

[artemiss]

Yeah, sorry bud...you're there. But are you going to make it worse? Find a way to strictly stay the F*** away from her. Take separate cars or what ever you have to do if you really care about your marriage.

[catfeeder]

But now I'm realizing that a picture perfect wife with everything I could ever hope for still leaves me feeling unfulfilled. And that has zero to do with sex. I'm a good person who made a mistake. But I'm also living a lie and I don't think I'll ever change that because the thought of someone living with heartbreak over me is unbearable.

 

Since you already know that seeking 'fulfillment' in the wrong places doesn't buy it for you, and you already know that it's not wife's job to provide it for you, why not consider working with a therapist to learn exactly what 'fulfillment' even means to you, and how you might go about pursuing it in the RIGHT places?

 

Fulfillment comes from the Self. Nobody else can provide it. It starts with self honesty, and let's face it, a grown man who describes himself as 'naive' is not honest. Twelve year old girls are naive. A grown man? Not naive.

 

The most repressed people in the world will have no problem hiring a plumber, a lawyer, an accountant or any other expert for practical purposes, but what could be more practical than your quality of life?

 

A therapist is not a judge or jury to whom you must play the 'good' patient who wants to work on his marriage if he doesn't, or who pretends that he's in alignment with what he's always believed are 'good morals' when he's not. Skip that. Get dirty, and throw a therapist everything you've got. Then allow the professional to lead you toward a reconciliation with the stuff about yourself that you may not 'like' but is nevertheless coming out sideways and will continue to do so unless and until you empower yourself to recognize choices about it that may actually work FOR you.

 

You can't do that when you're hiding from your stuff. Whenever we encounter bizarre behavior in ourselves, it's called 'acting out,' and it's driven by something we're hiding--usually from ourselves as well as anyone else. Well, that sounds scary, and that's why people go shopping. Or gambling. Or drinking. Or cheating. Or anything else that they can compulsively pursue to distract themselves from reconciling the irreconcilable.

 

Nothing can be reconciled without looking 'at' it instead of 'around' it. Hire a professional and ditch all preconceived notions about forcing yourself into an either/or outcome that must necessarily equal either harming your wife or harming yourself. Allow room for dynamics and options you can't even fathom from where you stand today.

 

Head high, and ditch the martyr routine. It serves nobody, including your wife.

[JCSK]

My remorse is immense. I'm confused and angry. I hate what I've done yet I did it. Now I'm trying to understand why. This experience has jolted me in many ways. I'm questioning my marriage etc. I have no expectations from this girl. It's a fantasy. I'm 17 years older than her. There is nothing there. But this charged me up and now I have no idea what to do next with myself. There is no progression with the girl. She's always nice to me but that means nothing so I've not had a cool the jets conversation. My assumption is that I do not need to talk to her about it. She hasn't texted me in a few days so I think she's getting the hint. It was kissing only. It's still cheating. But now I'm realizing that a picture perfect wife with everything I could ever hope for still leaves me feeling unfulfilled. And that has zero to do with sex. I'm a good person who made a mistake. But I'm also living a lie and I don't think I'll ever change that because the thought of someone living with heartbreak over me is unbearable.

 

I'm sure this is a very confusing time for you but there are so many people on here who are getting the same feeling as I am when reading this, a large serving of disingenuousness. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt here that you almost don't realise what you are doing. I am not a judgmental person and feel that nobody lives in another couple's relationship so advice should be just that, advice, but not instruction. Firstly, it is so inherently obvious that you do want her to be attracted to you. I cannot for the entire life in me understand why you would want to bring this matter to the forefront of your working relationship with this girl. There are plenty of ways to make it perfectly clear that you are not interested without having to discuss it. You simply do not respond to her texts regardless of the time they are sent or their content. You stick to discussing work through the appropriate channels during work hours only and if she asks why you didn't respond, you explain just that and leave it be. Unless gifting on ones birthday is standard in your office, you hand the gift back and explain it is not appropriate for you to accept. You arrange for someone else to accompany you on your next trip and if that is not possible you stay in your hotel room after hours and avoid socializing of any kind, especially if there is alcohol involved (I can only hazard guess that this what led to the kiss last time.) Like I say, it's your life and we can't tell you what to do. However, if there is a part of you that really doesn't want to do these things then you need to admit that you do in fact still yearn for her attention. I note that after all these posts nobody has answered the one question you wanted answering, 'is she interested'? And you won't get that answer off anyone as no one believes the follow up reason for your wishing to know. It should be completely irrelevant. You've even readdressed it later on but still not received the answer. There may be many differing opinions on how to address this with your wife but there seems to be a solid united front in that you should not want or need to know the answer to this question. Only when you are totally honest with yourself about this will you be able to reach any kind of resolution.

Secondly, I find it very hard to believe that after many (I assume because of your age) contented years with your wife (I assume because you don't say any different) after one kiss with a young girl that now you reflect back and realise that you only married her because everyone else loved her. Just like that. You go to work, you kiss a girl and then wake up the next morning and realise your whole marriage has just been one big mistake. That nearly knocked me off my chair. I can honestly say (and this is just me) that if my partner went out one night with his friends and came home steaming drunk (not that this ever happens so it is totally hypothetical) and cried and told me he had stupidly kissed some woman and he was very sorry, I would be very hurt. But in time, I would forgive. However he would then be dwelling in Last Chance Saloon. But it seems to me that you are suddenly inventing reasons as to why your marriage is not stable so that you can justify, in your own mind, this possible impending affair. A drunken kiss I could forgive, but if I found out the reason why it happened was that it turns out my husband only married me because everyone else loved me. I think I would take that pain to the grave. Look for the truth within yourself and only then will you find your answers.