Am I flirting with an affair?

[JaggerJim]

I wouldn't tell your wife, it was only a kiss. Take time out to think about your marriage on your side of things without involving your wife.

 

Besides, the minute you tell her all hell's going to break loose.

[DaisyMayPorter]

I think the only reason you cared if she liked you was because she is a "much younger" co-worker. That's the way men work. If she was your age, you wouldn't care. Think about your marriage. Not the temptress at the office.

[Hemingway278]

I think the only reason you cared if she liked you was because she is a "much younger" co-worker. That's the way men work. If she was your age, you wouldn't care. Think about your marriage. Not the temptress at the office.

 

The reason I cared is because I did not want to talk about it if there was no need to. I selfishly want to move on. And yes she's younger but that makes it more ridiculous. If she was closer to my age I feel that there would be more tangible problems / outcome. This is all fantasy, no substance. I just cant imagine what someone half my age wants with me. And if I need to talk to her about it. It wont go any further. I guess I was just concerned about looking like an ass (more than I already have) by assuming she wanted more.

 

I'm not concerned about her intentions anymore. Its clear I need to zero in on mine.

[Guest]

You cheated. What other help do you need? Why does it matter how she feels to you?

[RainyCoast]

We do have one. This is harder than I thought. I don't feel ready to tell her.

 

You have one? You mean a counselor?

[Hollyj]

I responded to you. I'm new to forums. It must have gone to the main thread?

 

My answer is I would not be happy about it. It would only confuse me more.

 

Sorry, I missed it.

[Guest]

It's more like I'm dumbfounded that there's interest in me.

 

One thing I find interesting, is the lack of mention you make of your wife, and the betrayal that you have brought upon her.

 

You are interested in this woman, and there are many interesting attractive young woman out there. You have been validated by her and her attraction to you makes you curious. A loyal man of his partner would care less what she thinks of you and would only consider his wife. But admittedly you do care and probably want more. What I don’t get is what you need at this point from anyone on this thread?

 

I’m not trying to be rude, but you’ve cheated and you need to tell your wife and probably assess whether there’s something missing in the marriage. Assess if you need counselling, dismiss this woman with a decent apology, unless of course you think she’s worth more than Your marriage which then would raise me a myriad of questions for you. I believe it’s simple, you were thinking but not with your brain. Take a step back and find out if you love your wife or if changes need to be made on both your lives and please tells you don’t have kids.

[Guest]

I wouldn't tell your wife, it was only a kiss. Take time out to think about your marriage on your side of things without involving your wife.

 

Besides, the minute you tell her all hell's going to break loose.

 

 

Just to be clear, this is terrible advice. Have I misinterpreted one of the most important components of marriage? Honesty? Why should he not tell his wife? Because she’ll get upset? So now we avoid honest address in order to maintain a false sense of peace. I think telling her is an important step in the RIGHT direction.

[sonar40]

I think the only reason you cared if she liked you was because she is a "much younger" co-worker. That's the way men work. If she was your age, you wouldn't care. Think about your marriage. Not the temptress at the office.

 

Thats not the way men work. Dont tar us all with the same brush. in this case with this man i agree with you. As for me im disgusted with this mans behaviour. Decent honest men do not work like this.

[sonar40]

Just to be clear, this is terrible advice. Have I misinterpreted one of the most important components of marriage? Honesty? Why should he not tell his wife? Because she’ll get upset? So now we avoid honest address in order to maintain a false sense of peace. I think telling her is an important step in the RIGHT direction.

 

Totally agree. Honesty and respect comes first ALWAYS.

[mustlovedogs]

In theory I like honesty, but I think I would rather remain blissfully naive if my spouse cheated. I would rather them direct their guilt in to improving the marriage and moving on from the infidelity. I don’t see how knowing helps. That’s just my opinion.

[JaggerJim]

I think marriages arn't perfect, no matter what you get up and say in your vows. Mistakes happen. We are only human.

[Hollyj]

I think the only reason you cared if she liked you was because she is a "much younger" co-worker. That's the way men work. If she was your age, you wouldn't care. Think about your marriage. Not the temptress at the office.

 

This is not the way all men work. It is never fair to generalize. These men have to have someone to cheat with.

[Starlight925]

In theory I like honesty, but I think I would rather remain blissfully naive if my spouse cheated. I would rather them direct their guilt in to improving the marriage and moving on from the infidelity. I don’t see how knowing helps. That’s just my opinion.

 

Because it allows his wife to make a decision as to whether she wants to stay, or work on the marriage, with a full and complete picture of who her husband is.

[mustlovedogs]

Because it allows his wife to make a decision as to whether she wants to stay, or work on the marriage, with a full and complete picture of who her husband is.

 

I understand the why.

 

My personal preference I think would be to remain naive for a small indiscretion but be told for a bigger one.

[Starlight925]

I understand the why.

 

My personal preference I think would be to remain naive for a small indiscretion but be told for a bigger one.

 

Your post said, "I don't see how knowing helps". I explained how I think it helps: because it allows her to make a decision based on full knowledge.

 

Yes, she'll feel like sh*t, and no, it won't "help" their relationship. But it will help her make a clear and rational decision what to do.

[sonar40]

I understand the why.

 

My personal preference I think would be to remain naive for a small indiscretion but be told for a bigger one.

 

I can understand where u are coming from as my ex had dome terrible things to me and even though i was 99% sure her unfaithful behaviour was still going on, i never looked into it deeper through fear of being hurt more. But im coming from a place where i was abused for 3 years so anymore hurt i tried to avoid.

 

If i was in OP's shoes i would still be honest. No matter how much it hurts, honesty is what we all deserve.

[mustlovedogs]

Your post said, "I don't see how knowing helps". I explained how I think it helps: because it allows her to make a decision based on full knowledge.

 

Yes, she'll feel like sh*t, and no, it won't "help" their relationship. But it will help her make a clear and rational decision what to do.

 

Yes... I get that... I’m saying, in my opinion, knowing wouldn’t help ME. For a small indiscretion, *I* would prefer a spouse re dedicate themselves to the marriage rather than tell me.

 

Because I don’t think I would end a marriage over a kiss. So knowing doesn’t help me. It just adds possibly years of torment and distrust to a marriage.

 

Obviously I know the merits of why telling is one reasonable course of action. For me, I would rather not know - if it is just a kiss, once, and if the spouse put in the effort to make the marriage better.

[Starlight925]

Yes... I get that... I’m saying, in my opinion, knowing wouldn’t help ME. For a small indiscretion, *I* would prefer a spouse re dedicate themselves to the marriage rather than tell me.

 

OK, makes sense. I'd rather know, but then again if I did, our marriage would be over. Because to me, a small indiscretion is still an indiscretion. To me, there are no "misdemeanors" in marriage.

 

Then again, I recently ended a 1.5 year relationship with zero proof that he did anything wrong, just the appearance.

 

But, to each his own!

[DaisyMayPorter]

Thats not the way men work. Dont tar us all with the same brush. in this case with this man i agree with you. As for me im disgusted with this mans behaviour. Decent honest men do not work like this.

 

I was actually half joking, I did not mean to put all men in the same bucket and I apologize if I insulted you. I actually knew someone who did flirt with a much younger person at the office and it made me upset because everyone else at our office didn’t like her and he strictly liked her because she was easy and in her early 20s. But I agree with you that decent men are not like this. :-)

[mustlovedogs]

OK, makes sense. I'd rather know, but then again if I did, our marriage would be over. Because to me, a small indiscretion is still an indiscretion. To me, there are no "misdemeanors" in marriage.

 

Then again, I recently ended a 1.5 year relationship with zero proof that he did anything wrong, just the appearance.

 

But, to each his own!

 

That’s fair. I’ve just heard that 30% of people cheat in marriage and one kiss, if he learned a lesson and worked on the marriage, is far kore forgivable than sex. Or even worse, an extended affair. But if I knew, I wouldn’t be able to trust again. I don’t know. Maybe it would be different in the moment.

[Starlight925]

That’s fair. I’ve just heard that 30% of people cheat in marriage and one kiss, if he learned a lesson and worked on the marriage, is far kore forgivable than sex. Or even worse, an extended affair. But if I knew, I wouldn’t be able to trust again. I don’t know. Maybe it would be different in the moment.

 

I think for me, one kiss might even be worse than sex. Because sex can be a purely animalistic act, but a kiss by itself can be very intimate.

 

I do agree, though, that if the OP really wants to work on his marriage, he can definitely do this without telling his wife, but he will have to carry this secret to his grave.

 

OP, do you want to work things out? The thread is 5 pages long, so forgive me if I missed it, but do you really love her? I recall you saying that she's "so perfect", but does that equal love, or did you marry her because "everyone else" told you how great she was? I've been married like this (great person but not someone I was in love with), so I am not judging.

[sonar40]

I was actually half joking, I did not mean to put all men in the same bucket and I apologize if I insulted you. I actually knew someone who did flirt with a much younger person at the office and it made me upset because everyone else at our office didn’t like her and he strictly liked her because she was easy and in her early 20s. But I agree with you that decent men are not like this. :-)

 

No you didnt insult me at all but apology accepted. You are here out of the kindness of your own heart offering advice to people and that has to be commended, so no offence taken at all.

[dias]

I think for me, one kiss might even be worse than sex.

Usually sex includes a lot of kisses.

[katrina1980]

Because it allows his wife to make a decision as to whether she wants to stay, or work on the marriage, with a full and complete picture of who her husband is.

 

I tend to agree with this logic. I would want to know and in my relationships I encourage such honesty, even if it's something I don't necessarily relish hearing.

 

But by being honest and telling her, it allows you both to address issues in your marriage that may need some tweaking.

 

A lack of intimacy perhaps? Mundane, same ole same ole? Are you feeling invisible and this younger women enlivened something in you?

 

Knowing also gives me an opportunity to decide if I wish to stay. Information is power.

 

This may be precisely why cheaters don't disclose though. They fear their spouse would leave.

 

It's tough though. I've always considered cheating a dealbreaker. Not sure if the fact it was "only" a kiss would make a difference.

 

It would depend on how remorseful you were, owned up to the indiscretion and wanted to address issues.

 

OP I give you a lot of credit you're really getting beat up here! But you're still listening so that says a lot in my opinion.

 

Look Ive said this before but no one is perfect. People make mistakes sometimes. The important thing is that afterwards, we own the mistake, address it, make efforts to resolve and learn and grow from it.

 

Good luck OP, from reading your posts, I'm confident you will do the right thing by telling your wife, owning it and addressing it. Learn and grow from it.