Dating A Stoner

[BOo533842]

I have been with my girlfriend for a year now. When we got together she was open and told me she liked a little joint at night. That’s cool! Used to smoke it myself in fact.

 

The cold hard truth is, it’s not a little joint at night. More like 11/12 from waking up to going back to sleep at night. She spends approx £70/$100 on the stuff every week and we are both working adults.

 

She doesn’t like socialising much out of the home due to a) being stoned and b) lack of money. I have been really gentle to see if she would cut down or stop but she says she doesn’t feel ready and that it helps her through hard times. She has an alcoholic sister she tends too but we all have problems don’t we? Not all of us drown our emotions out with weed.

 

Other aspects of the relationship are affected. We sleep in the same bed but I go into it at 11pm, she comes in at 4am and sleeps most of the following day. She only works two days per week and the other days are spent at home getting high. She finds it difficult to commit to little trips away, date nights due to her need to prioritise weed.

 

It is really bothering me as I have a young son who she is very fond of and he is fond of her too. I get on great with her family and close friend circle. Most importantly, I love her. It’s just so hard having to compete with weed and play second fiddle to pot! I’m quite organised and like structure and to know I’m working towards a goal I.e moving in together; one day expanding the family, buying a ring etc.

 

She just doesn’t roll that way (excuse the pun). Has anyone ever had anything like this before?

 

Thank you

[melancholy123]

You aren't going to win this one, she's an addict. Addicts make lousy partners. No matter how much you like her and she likes you and your child, this is not a good relationship for you and your child. Unless and until she decides to change her ways this is how it's going to be. You need to decide if you are ok with this or it's time to move on.

[DancingFool]

As already pointed out above, she is a full blown addict and until/if/ever she admits to that and takes steps to quit the addiction nothing you can do and nothing will change.

What do you like about this relationship? Your relationship isn't with her family or friends, it's with her and it doesn't sound like it's working.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Don't try to rescue her from herself, her tenancies, etc. It seems you are just incompatible. You sound like a smart, good guy.

 

 

You have identified the main problem/issue right here:

Not all of us drown our emotions out with weed

[BOo533842]

You aren't going to win this one, she's an addict. Addicts make lousy partners. No matter how much you like her and she likes you and your child, this is not a good relationship for you and your child. Unless and until she decides to change her ways this is how it's going to be. You need to decide if you are ok with this or it's time to move on.

 

It’s very hard as I do love her. I’m at the stage where I can’t really decide and I’m holding out for hope that things will soon get better

[Andrina]

Life is expensive, and one of the goals should be saving for unexpected medical bills and to save for retirement. Working 2 days a week and spending money on drugs is childish behavior.

 

There are deal breakers a person should stick to, even if one loves a person. Drug addiction is one that is wise to put on the list.

 

Your heart and brain needs to match when deciding to stay with a person. Your brain is telling you this isn't the optimum match for you. Nobody's perfect, but there's a big difference between minor flaws and deal breaker flaws.

 

My advice is to end things so that you can eventually find a grown adult who knows how to be a contributing partner, and one who you can fully enjoy your leisure time. Not some hermit holed up in a haze. Certainly not a good role model for your child.

 

Never expect someone to change. Live in the present and make your decisions from that place.

[Sportster2005]

I have been with my girlfriend for a year now. When we got together she was open and told me she liked a little joint at night. That’s cool! Used to smoke it myself in fact.

 

The cold hard truth is, it’s not a little joint at night. More like 11/12 from waking up to going back to sleep at night. She spends approx £70/$100 on the stuff every week and we are both working adults.

 

She doesn’t like socialising much out of the home due to a) being stoned and b) lack of money. I have been really gentle to see if she would cut down or stop but she says she doesn’t feel ready and that it helps her through hard times. She has an alcoholic sister she tends too but we all have problems don’t we? Not all of us drown our emotions out with weed.

 

Other aspects of the relationship are affected. We sleep in the same bed but I go into it at 11pm, she comes in at 4am and sleeps most of the following day. She only works two days per week and the other days are spent at home getting high. She finds it difficult to commit to little trips away, date nights due to her need to prioritise weed.

 

It is really bothering me as I have a young son who she is very fond of and he is fond of her too. I get on great with her family and close friend circle. Most importantly, I love her. It’s just so hard having to compete with weed and play second fiddle to pot! I’m quite organised and like structure and to know I’m working towards a goal I.e moving in together; one day expanding the family, buying a ring etc.

 

She just doesn’t roll that way (excuse the pun). Has anyone ever had anything like this before?

 

Thank you

 

Yes I have seen this.

 

She initially tried to 'cut back'. I felt it would probably fail, and it did. I will never have that time back. I won't date anyone at all if they smoke weed, no matter the amount.

 

I think your best option is to find someone that is a better match.

[Hollyj]

This is not a functioning adult. Not going to bed untill 4 AM, and sleeping all day. Only works two days and is an addict. Do you really think that this is a positive influence for your child? How would she take care of her own child when she sleeps the day away?

 

What are you thinking?????

[Wiseman2]

Don't risk having him taken away for her habit. Also do you want kids with someone who would put your child at risk or drive around like that? Fun and hot doesn't mean marry and live happily ever after.

It is really bothering me as I have a young son. one day expanding the family, buying a ring etc.

[ThatwasThen]

She works only two days a week and spends $100.00 a week on weed? Who is financing her? Is she on welfare? Please tell me YOU are not helping her out financially. Please also tell me that you have given her an ultimatum in which she either goes to a 12 step programme to help her get straight or you're breaking up with her because you will NOT subject your son to a shiftless, non-working pot smoker who has zero motivation. Please tell me that!

 

It’s very hard as I do love her. I’m at the stage where I can’t really decide and I’m holding out for hope that things will soon get better

What you are, sir, is in total denial.

[Hollyj]

Weed is her lover.

[lostandhurt]

If you substitute alcohol for weed in this situation what would you think? Weed is becoming the new alcoholism throughout the world.

 

She isn't for you or your life goals. You are not going to change her no matter how much you love as she loves getting high more than she loves you.

 

I am sorry it sucks being in love with an addict...

 

Lost

[abitbroken]

why are you living with a woman you have only dated a year? I suspect you are footing all the bills. time to kick her to the curb.

[Capricorn3]

Drugs of any kind, no matter how small is an absolute deal breaker for me. I wouldn't date a stoner if he was the last person on earth, and even more so, when there is a child in the mix. Can't think of a worse influence/example for a young child to grow up in such an environment. The very fact there IS a child, YOUR child, should be your cue to head in the opposite direction.

[Lisii]

I feel for you, I've just been through this with my ex. He said he only smoked a little... well it was a whole lot more than that, as well as his his nephews ADHD medication, his friends Cancer Meds and cocaine (the later two only became apparent when he moved in with me) - I kicked him out as soon as I found out (I have teenagers and don't need that around them) - he is also an alcoholic

 

It's destructive and so sad to watch someone so beautiful in soul to go through something like this, but unless they are wanting to change then there is no chance.

 

My ex's parting words were "I'am who I'am" ... sad

[BOo533842]

Need to clear something up immediately. Whilst she only works two days, she works as a specialist for children with disabilities and is on a phenomenal salary. I am not financing her in any way, nor will I ever need to. She actually earns more than me by far. Although I want to save and think of the future but she doesn’t show much enthusiasm. I haven’t given An ultimatum but I’ve made it clear that I hope she quits.

[Hollyj]

She has to want to quit on her own. This does not change my response.

[chitown9]

I’m holding out for hope that things will soon get better

 

Hope is not going to cut it in ending her addiction. You need to cut the ties. It really is as simple as that.

[Andrina]

Try a Nar-Anon meeting to get some pointers about your issue.

 

What's Nar-Anon? — Nar-Anon Family Groups

http://www.nar-anon.org/what-is-nar-anon/

The Nar-Anon Family Groups are a worldwide fellowship for those affected by someone else's addiction.

[boltnrun]

Has she told you she will cut down or quit?

 

If not, what are you basing this "hope" on?

[Pleasedonot5]

You need to get her to realize that this is a problem and because of it you are considering leaving the relationship.

 

Emphasize that 1 joint isn't a big deal, but that she's smoking 11 per day, not coming to bed until 4 am, and sleeping her days away. That's just unacceptable.

[BOo533842]

She has said that she is really keen to quit. She has said that and she has quit before for over 7 years but relapsed. I’m very much a financial/family planner who can make sacrifices but have some seriously good times too! The thing that gets me is that she is living day by day at the moment, or one bag of smoke to the next.

[BOo533842]

No we aren’t living together officially. I have my own mortgage etc. Have my own house that me and my son live in 2 nights a week, I’m with her the other 4/5 or depending what two days she works. I don’t contribute at all financially to her bills

[JessicaJones84]

This is so difficult, I really feel for you OP. So I'm a former stoner myself that was in a relationship with somebody who wanted me to stop. To me, it doesn't sound like you have reached your limit with her. Yes posts above have indicated that you should just up and leave as you have a child but I assume she is not smoking around your son.

My partner leaving me was the best thing that he could have done (emotional abuse involved so it's a bit different to your situation). I think you should try and cut down the amount of time you have with her. Be honest and say it's because you are finding it hard to be around her like that. You will have to be strong and stick to it. Perhaps you could continually offer support at the same time to help her make changes, maybe even just staying friends for a while. It takes time and it might not work but as you say, she's done it before. She can do it again. Maybe decrease the amount of time you see her by a day at first and go from there with the aim of reducing the time she smokes "I'll come around for an hour if you are not stoned", leave immediately if she is. She's not intact internally, that's why she needs it to cope. I imagine her job is rewarding but difficult.