Is it really none of my business?

[journeynow]

I'm looking for positive feedback not judgement and critisism.

You've got to put this at the very start of your thread, then.

 

I notice this sometimes, posters telling people from the start how they should respond to their question.

[wandergrl18]

OK, then the answer to the thread title is Yes, you make it your business. And like you've pointed out, you want to be with someone who sees it that way, too. So, for you, his answer is a red flag.

 

Thank you, especially since when I would ask this question to other guys they would simply answer. No big deal. So maybe this guy just isn't a match for me longterm.

[Pleasedonot5]

I'm looking for positive feedback not judgement and critisism. A lot of people said I was being "rude" or i'm just plain "wrong".

I don't think people on here are judging you. We don't know you -- people on this forum give tough advice to people to try and help.

 

I'm not saying you as a person are rude - just that your question was invasive and rude. And if you want to avoid this situation in the future (you mentioned you are young: as you age you'll find people are not as willing to kiss and tell) you'll be careful about asking about specifics surrounding someone's sexual history.

[journeynow]

So maybe this guy just isn't a match for me longterm.

 

Could be. That's up to you to decide, of course. Sometimes coming up against something different in a partner, and being open to understanding it, leads to growth as a person. It doesn't mean either of you are right or wrong, but each have a reason for your choices.

[wandergrl18]

You've got to put this at the very start of your thread, then.

 

I notice this sometimes, posters telling people from the start how they should respond to their question.

 

I shouldn't have to tell people how to respond to my question. It's common sense to be respectful with others and not critisize them for how they are. If someone doesn't agree with my question then explain why. Don't just call me "rude" or wrong" for asking.

[wandergrl18]

I don't think people on here are judging you. We don't know you -- people on this forum give tough advice to people to try and help.

 

I'm not saying you as a person are rude - just that your question was invasive and rude. And if you want to avoid this situation in the future (you mentioned you are young: as you age you'll find people are not as willing to kiss and tell) you'll be careful about asking about specifics surrounding someone's sexual history.

 

Like I said, some may find the question rude and invasive and some don't find it rude at all. To each their own but don't judge.

[journeynow]

I shouldn't have to tell people how to respond to my question. It's common sense to be respectful with others and not critisize them for how they are. If someone doesn't agree with my question then explain why. Don't just call me "rude" or wrong" for asking.

 

See, your idea of being respectful differs from others. Same idea as your question about sexual partners. You said yourself that people have different ideas about what is rude.

 

I have another question about this openness: Are you ok with your mother asking you who you've slept with? I could ask my son, but I feel it is none of my business.

[Seraphim]

Like I said, some may find the question rude and invasive and some don't find it rude at all. To each their own but don't judge.

 

You have judged as well. You called me closed minded when you know zero about me. We just have different boundaries.

[figureitout23]

What is not rude for some is very rude to others. I would only accept a question like that from my husband not someone who kinda maybe possibly might consider a relationship with me one day but doesn’t want one right now.

 

That question at least for me implies a greater degree of relationship than what is being represented.

 

Exactly!

 

Simply reading between the lines one can see this is far from casual for the OPer.

 

3 years? Who dates casually for 3 years? Come on guys.

 

Then there's this distrust and issues with exes. That doesn't happen in casual situations.

 

There is SO much more to this. No question.

 

Would it be rude to ask a dude I've been casually dating a couple of months? Yes.

 

Would it be rude to ask a guy who's been stringing me along for 3 years promising me a relationship while I pretend to be ok with the crumbs I've been receiving while I ask invasive questions to soothe my anxiety because I want a commitment? Meh...

[j.man]

Like I said, some may find the question rude and invasive and some don't find it rude at all. To each their own but don't judge.

You judged the guy for not answering a question he felt was invasive. Your excuse of ambiguity falls flat when you only apply it to asking sensitive questions but not whether someone answers them.

[Pleasedonot5]

Like I said, some may find the question rude and invasive and some don't find it rude at all. To each their own but don't judge.

If you look at this thread, you'll find that most people (like a supermajority) find the question you asked (and your subsequent reaction to it) to be rude and invasive.

 

Why are you so sensitive to being judged by us? We're just randos online who are trying to help you lol.

 

It seems that you aren't willing to take any advice that doesn't agree with your original position. I hope I provided helpful perspective, but I don't know if I can be any further help if you are only listening to the few who agree with you.

[journeynow]

Like I said, some may find the question rude and invasive and some don't find it rude at all. To each their own but don't judge.

 

It's all judging, including your questioning his response, whether it's good or bad, your reaction to people's responses. How can it not be? Otherwise you'd let people respond without reacting negatively.

[Seraphim]

Everything all day long is judgement. There is actually no such thing as non-judgemental .

[indea08]

You judged the guy for not answering a question he felt was invasive. Your excuse of ambiguity falls flat when you only apply it to asking sensitive questions but not whether someone answers them.

 

Nailed it.

 

 

We are giving you honest, constructive criticism. Many people that you will encounter will find your invasive questions rude. We are trying to open your eyes to that, and understand this guys point of view (which is what you wanted). If you just want to call that judgement instead of trying to understand an alternative view point, well, then we really can't help you.

[Batya33]

Like I said, some may find the question rude and invasive and some don't find it rude at all. To each their own but don't judge.

 

Yes, but before asking a personal question like that you need to give it a lot of thought and try to put yourself in the other person's shoes. I don't think it's fair to ask such a personal question of someone you've told you're comfortable having casual sex with. One of the benefits of that arrangement is the freedom to have multiple partners without being questioned about their identity. Certainly if you were worried about STDs you can ask about that but the identity of the person - I'd err on the side of not asking (especially since you're also asking him to reveal personal information about someone else).

[wandergrl18]

Exactly!

 

Simply reading between the lines one can see this is far from casual for the OPer.

 

3 years? Who dates casually for 3 years? Come on guys.

 

Then there's this distrust and issues with exes. That doesn't happen in casual situations.

 

There is SO much more to this. No question.

 

Would it be rude to ask a dude I've been casually dating a couple of months? Yes.

 

Would it be rude to ask a guy who's been stringing me along for 3 years promising me a relationship while I pretend to be ok with the crumbs I've been receiving while I ask invasive questions to soothe my anxiety because I want a commitment? Meh...

 

You don't even understand the situation. Did I say he's been stringing me along? Nope. Do I wan commitment right now? Nope. I'm young so yes I have casual relationships that are on and off. I'm not ready to commit to one right now. I ask this question to just about anyone. And their response tells me what kind of person they are. Call me nosey or weird I don't care.

[wandergrl18]

You judged the guy for not answering a question he felt was invasive. Your excuse of ambiguity falls flat when you only apply it to asking sensitive questions but not whether someone answers them.

 

His response to my question simply told me that he's perhaps not the guy for me. I'm not judging him as a person, he has the right to not answer my question, some people wouldn't be cool answering that. I get it!

I'm judging if he has the qualities I would want in a partner in the future. Which we all do. We all ask different questions to determine if we're suitable with someone.

[katrina1980]

I'm thinking maybe he presumed it was some sort of "shyt-test" which is why he answered the way he did.

 

I know some men are very wary of being shyt-tested, and will either ignore or become defensive when asked these questions.

 

I know some men who consider almost everything a shyt-test, even being asked what they do for a living!

 

There was an entire thread about that topic on another forum.

 

Personally I don't ask to judge, I ask because it gives me better insight into a man I am interested in.

 

And ignoring or becoming defensive by the question provides as much (if not more) insight into a man than had he answered the question in the first place.

[reinventmyself]

Sorry if this has already been stated . . but you start with sharing that you asked him `who is the last girl you slept with?' and then switched that you were only really interested in when was the last time you slept with someone else.

 

One question is more intrusive than the other and though I am pretty transparent about things. . but had you asked me the same question, I would have had the same answer he did.

 

I think there is a right way and wrong way to ask this question . . if you really need to know.

But you have to be prepared for someone that doesn't see it the same way you do.

[MissCanuck]

OP, my sense is this: You are worried he slept with someone in particular, but framed it as a general question to get more information from him. And now that he won't name a name, you are afraid that your fears are true.

 

Is that correct? Is it an ex? A friend of yours? A relative?

 

Or, you are worried that is having sex with others girl in general, and is not exclusive to you, and want to know if he has had sex with someone else more recently than you're comfortable with.

 

That is how I'm interpreting the real intent behind your question. I don't feel this was just a general, "What's your favourite colour, where do you see yourself in 10 years, who's the last person you had sex with"-type conversation.

[wandergrl18]

OP, my sense is this: You are worried he slept with someone in particular, but framed it as a general question to get more information from him. And now that he won't name a name, you are afraid that your fears are true.

 

Is that correct? Is it an ex? A friend of yours? A relative?

 

Or, you are worried that is having sex with others girl in general, and is not exclusive to you, and want to know if he has had sex with someone else more recently than you're comfortable with.

 

That is how I'm interpreting the real intent behind your question. I don't feel this was just a general, "What's your favourite colour, where do you see yourself in 10 years, who's the last person you had sex with"-type conversation.

 

Yes I guess I was more curious to see if it was an ex of his that he slept with. I had suspicion that it was, which makes it hard for me to trust him. Because how can I trust a guy who sleeps with an ex after saying they are just "friends". So I wanted to see if he would say it was the ex. Which I still have no idea if it was or not.

[wandergrl18]

I'm thinking maybe he presumed it was some sort of "shyt-test" which is why he answered the way he did.

 

I know some men are very wary of being shyt-tested, and will either ignore or become defensive when asked these questions.

 

I know some men who consider almost everything a shyt-test, even being asked what they do for a living!

 

There was an entire thread about that topic on another forum.

 

Personally I don't ask to judge, I ask because it gives me better insight into a man I am interested in.

 

And ignoring or becoming defensive by the question provides as much (if not more) insight into a man than had he answered the question in the first place.

 

Yes I think he thought I was testing him to see if he slept with an ex girlfriend of his that I was suspicious about. Before I asked him this question, I would tease him about his "friendship" with his ex and how it was kind of odd seeing as she constantly flirts with him. So I would jokinly tell him that they should just get back together. But he got all defensive and kept saying theyre just friends.

 

So when I asked who the last person he slept with was, he prob assumed I was asking if he slept with that particular ex girlfriend. Which then he got annoyed/defensive and said "none of your business".

 

But yes the question just gives me better insight on the guy.

[ThatwasThen]

If you asked: "When is the last time you slept with someone" and he answered "None of your business" then I would agree with those that said his response was rude.

 

If you asked: "Who is the last person you slept with then I'm with the majority and say it is none of your business and a rude question to be asking someone.

 

So was it a "when" or a "who" question, Op?

[boltnrun]

You say you two are "exclusive".

 

If you two are exclusive...why do you think he's sleeping with others? Doesn't "exclusive" imply there ARE no others??

[Pleasedonot5]

Yes I guess I was more curious to see if it was an ex of his that he slept with. I had suspicion that it was, which makes it hard for me to trust him. Because how can I trust a guy who sleeps with an ex after saying they are just "friends". So I wanted to see if he would say it was the ex. Which I still have no idea if it was or not.

 

So you may have wanted to frame it like this:

 

"Hey, (name here), I'm kind of worried that you are still sleeping with (ex) even though you said you are just friends. I know we aren't exclusive, but that thought bothers me. Can you clarify?"

 

Do you understand the distinction?

 

Still intrusive, but I think less so, because you would be providing context and implying you have a boundary that you don't like when people sleep with exes, or that you don't like when people lie. What I said above -- I think that would be more justifiable than what you asked him. I think by asking the general question to him / posting the general question to this thread without the necessary information you got a lot of kickback from all fronts because it comes off as rude / invasive.