Is it really none of my business?

[journeynow]

I asked him out of curiousity, who was the last girl he slept with (besides me).

 

I didn't want a name..

 

I'm confused, what kind of answer were you looking for if you didn't want a name? Is this really a casual curiosity? I kind of agree, if it's no big deal for you who it is, should be no big deal if he doesn't feel it is appropriate for him to tell you. Some folks don't like to "kiss and tell". People are allowed privacy, even in relationships, and especially when casually dating.

[wandergrl18]

SMH, why are y'all coming down so hard on OP?

 

Hell, she has the 'right' to ask whatever question strikes her fancy, no matter how 'inappropriate' he or others deem it to be.

 

Doesn't mean he has to respond, he doesn't! That's his right.

 

He even had the 'right' to answer with "none of your business."

 

And her right to not like or appreciate such an insensitive and rude response and consider dumping him because of it!

 

I would as it speaks volumes as to the level of respect he has for me, regardless of what he thought about the question.

 

But it's her call on that.

 

This forum is so confusing sometimes.

 

We all stress how important it is to communicate. If you have a question, ask away!

 

Now you're faulting her for doing just that!

 

She didn't want a name. Just last time he had sex with someone.

 

She had something on her mind, she asked. Good for her! We should all be so bold and brave.

 

You make it sound like she committed a federal crime.

 

It was just a question!

 

He didn't wish to answer it, fine, don't!

 

But don't fault her for asking for goodness sakes!

 

Ok, rant over.

 

Exactly!

Thank you Katrina!!

 

I just felt like this is somewhat of a deal breaker for me. It makes me reconsider getting into a serious relationship with him down the road.

Everybody has their idea of what they want out of a relationship. And for me I would want someone who's forthcoming and honest/ comfortable answering any questions I may have. That's just me. It's not everyone's cup of tea I get it.

[wandergrl18]

Don't be so naive......... Just because someone tells you what you want to hear doesn't mean it's true. Look at this actions - he isn't with you and off dating others. It's really not a good idea to go through life only listening to empty words and taking them as Gospel - you will get burned by that.

 

Dancingfool, you really have no understanding of the situation and didn't properly read what I wrote in my post. So let me say this one more time.

I'm not looking to get into a relationship right now but in the FUTURE when I am ready. Second, he is NOT dating others.

[wandergrl18]

I'm confused, what kind of answer were you looking for if you didn't want a name? Is this really a casual curiosity? I kind of agree, if it's no big deal for you who it is, should be no big deal if he doesn't feel it is appropriate for him to tell you. Some folks don't like to "kiss and tell". People are allowed privacy, even in relationships, and especially when casually dating.

 

Yes people are allowed privacy of course I'm not going to force him to tell me lol. I'm just saying that if he doesn't want to share such information with me cause he's uncomfortable then maybe he's not the one.

[melancholy123]

I agree it's none of your business. Maybe to you it's not a big deal, but it seems to be to him.

[DancingFool]

Dancingfool, you really have no understanding of the situation and didn't properly read what I wrote in my post. So let me say this one more time.

I'm not looking to get into a relationship right now but in the FUTURE when I am ready. Second, he is NOT dating others.

 

Yes, I understand that and my point stands. I hope you give that some thought instead of sitting around thinking that he means what he tells you and that you are so in control that at some point when you decide you are ready, you'll just get back together. Life simply doesn't work like that, but I have the impression that you are in for some rough lessons ahead and that you will need to stick your hand in the fire more than once to learn how badly it burns.

[katrina1980]

You are not weird. I prefer open and honest disclosure as well.

 

Re that particular question, personally I would not have asked, only because it would not have mattered to me.

 

I focus on "us" what's going on with us.

 

His past is his past.

 

But that's just me (and apparently others).

 

But you wanted to know, so you asked, again good for you.

 

You already know what I think of his response regardless what he thought of the question.

 

So many other less rude and offensive ways to say the same thing.

 

Perhaps it wouldn't bother another woman, which is fine.

 

We all have our own temperament and sensitivities and as such our reactions will differ.

[wandergrl18]

Yes, I understand that and my point stands. I hope you give that some thought instead of sitting around thinking that he means what he tells you and that you are so in control that at some point when you decide you are ready, you'll just get back together. Life simply doesn't work like that, but I have the impression that you are in for some rough lessons ahead and that you will need to stick your hand in the fire more than once to learn how badly it burns.

 

Again, you didn't read my post properly Because he is NOT my ex!

[indea08]

I agree that it's none of your business and will add that it's incredibly rude of you to ask. If someone asked me that, I'd probably bow out of the conversation and not talk to that person again. When you're younger (17-22), boundaries are more blurred but I believe you'll find that as you get older, it is more clear what is appropriate and what's not. Asking someone who the last person they slept with was is 100% inappropriate.

[Starlight925]

I see the OP’s point. I don’t get his “None of your business” answer. I, too, prefer open and honest communication, and I’ll tell a guy I want to share my future with anything they want to know.

 

I find his answer not only rude and off-putting, but evasive as well.

 

Like, even if it’s not his ex and it is someone you don’t know, why not share the answer? It’s not like you’re trying to beat him up over it. It’s just about opening up to each other. Jeez. I’d hate this.

 

I’d tread lightly here insofar as considering a future with someone so secretive.

 

I get that I’m way in the minority on this thread, but that’s fine with me.

[journeynow]

Yes people are allowed privacy of course I'm not going to force him to tell me lol. I'm just saying that if he doesn't want to share such information with me cause he's uncomfortable then maybe he's not the one.

 

That could be. Or it's more about your comfort? If you're not comfortable with him keeping such information private, could be he's not for you? There's a slight difference, but I think important in navigating choices, following your inner direction, or learning more about yourself as you go through life. Does that make sense?

[Pleasedonot5]

It is none of your business. It's rude to ask, honestly.

 

I don't like to kiss and tell, so I wouldn't feel comfortable answering that in his position. I don't get that you'd want to break it off with him for not wanting to kiss and tell. If you were just casually curious, his response wouldn't really bother you this much.

 

So I think you're looking for an excuse to escape, or you have way too much stake placed on his answer to your small, invasive question.

[jimthzz]

Ah, then I think I understand your confusion. You both talked about a serious relationship SOME DAY. You were not in one NOW.

 

Son even though you said you were not one at present, you were playing by the rules of serious relationship. He was not.

 

A couple of other things occur to me.

 

Was he maybe hooking up with a friend or relative of yours?

 

Would that bother you?

 

That time you were on a break and he was intimate with someone, were you as well?

 

Was your willingness to try for a rebound hookup same day at the break up in response to what he did?

[journeynow]

I’d tread lightly here insofar as considering a future with someone so secretive.

 

I'd also consider that they've been of and off for 3 years, and are only casually dating now. That's part of the picture, too, and may play into his response. This is not a new relationship, nor does it sound like it's been a strong one.

[katrina1980]

It is none of your business. It's rude to ask, honestly.

 

It's rude to ask a question? To communicate what's on your mind?

 

Good lord, it's a sad world when we are faulted and harshly criticized for speaking up and communicating what's on our minds.

 

No wonder so many folks come to forums such as this to ask, rather than communicate with their partners/friends. It's all making sense now.

 

Walking on eggshells around each other.

 

Again, he was not required to answer, but she should not be negatively judged and criticized for asking.

 

I am literally shocked at all the negative judgments.

[wandergrl18]

I see the OP’s point. I don’t get his “None of your business” answer. I, too, prefer open and honest communication, and I’ll tell a guy I want to share my future with anything they want to know.

 

I find his answer not only rude and off-putting, but evasive as well.

 

Like, even if it’s not his ex and it is someone you don’t know, why not share the answer? It’s not like you’re trying to beat him up over it. It’s just about opening up to each other. Jeez. I’d hate this.

 

I’d tread lightly here insofar as considering a future with someone so secretive.

 

I get that I’m way in the minority on this thread, but that’s fine with me.

 

Thank you!!

[Pleasedonot5]

It's rude to ask a question? To communicate what's on your mind?

 

Good lord, it's a sad world when we are faulted and harshly criticized for speaking up and communicating what's on our minds.

 

No wonder so many folks come to forums such as this to ask, rather than communicate with their partners/friends. It's all making sense now.

 

Walking on eggshells around each other.

 

Again, he was not required to answer, but she should not be negatively judged and criticized for asking.

 

I am literally shocked at all the negative judgments.

Yes, it is rude to ask certain invasive questions. This is a rude question.

 

It's akin to asking an older woman her age, or asking someone's sexual orientation, or saying "I hate your shirt." Sometimes certain communication is inappropriate.

 

As for your reaction to my post, I mean no ill will towards the OP -- in fact posters here provide honest feedback to be helpful because that is what this forum is about. I am sorry you disagree with the majority position on this thread.

[j.man]

She's not being judged for asking. At least not by me anyway. She's being judged by assuming it's a red flag or a sign of dishonesty if someone elects not to divulge. Lord knows I've asked more than my fair share of personal, even invasive questions. I've also been quite rightly put in check after doing so. She asked a personal question, got an appropriate, even if a bit abrasive, retort. It's called putting your foot in your mouth and we all do it. You take the lesson and move on.

 

Fact is the OP didn't come in here saying, "I asked this very personal question, he said it's not my business... oops!" She'd probably be receiving much more forgiving responses if that were the extent of it.

[wandergrl18]

It is none of your business. It's rude to ask, honestly.

 

I don't like to kiss and tell, so I wouldn't feel comfortable answering that in his position. I don't get that you'd want to break it off with him for not wanting to kiss and tell. If you were just casually curious, his response wouldn't really bother you this much.

 

So I think you're looking for an excuse to escape, or you have way too much stake placed on his answer to your small, invasive question.

 

The reason it bothers me is because he sees a future with me. But I however am having doubts, especially since he wasn't comfortable sharing that info. He's usually honest about things but all of a sudden he said "it's none of my business". Strange to me.

[Pleasedonot5]

The reason it bothers me is because he sees a future with me. But I however am having doubts, especially since he wasn't comfortable sharing that info. He's usually honest about things but all of a sudden he said "it's none of my business". Strange to me.

He gave an honest answer.

 

Honest: truth

Dishonest: lie.

 

It doesn't seem like he lied, so I don't know where you are getting that he wasn't honest. You crossed a boundary of his and he didn't let you get what you want. I'm sorry that that stings a little.

[katrina1980]

She's not being judged for asking. At least not by me anyway. She's being judged by assuming it's a red flag or a sign of dishonesty if someone elects not to divulge. Lord knows I've asked more than my fair share of personal, even invasive questions. I've also been quite rightly put in check after doing so. She asked a personal question, got an appropriate, even if a bit abrasive, retort. It's called putting your foot in your mouth and we all do it. You take the lesson and move on.

 

Actually she IS being criticized for simply asking the question.

 

Someone just posted it was rude to ask!

 

Others as well, saying she had no right to ask, none of her business, etc.

 

Which may or may not be true depending how you view it, but she still had the right to ask and should not be so harshly judged for it.

 

Does not this forum stress the value of open and honest communication?

 

I always thought so, but apparently not.

[journeynow]

It's rude to ask a question? To communicate what's on your mind?

 

Good lord, it's a sad world when we are faulted and harshly criticized for speaking up and communicating what's on our minds.

 

No wonder so many folks come to forums such as this to ask, rather than communicate with their partners/friends. It's all making sense now.

 

Walking on eggshells around each other.

 

Again, he was not required to answer, but she should not be negatively judged and criticized for asking.

 

I am literally shocked at all the negative judgments.

 

She asked if it was her business, and people are sharing their views. As for rudeness, it is often the case that those who are being rude do not know they are being rude.

[journeynow]

Actually she IS being criticized for simply asking the question.

 

Someone just posted it was rude to ask!

 

Others as well, suggesting she had no right to ask, none of her business, etc.

 

Are you criticizing people here you disagree with?

 

She asked him, he responded, she's not liking his response, people are offering their perspectives about his response, you are not liking those people's perspectives....

[wandergrl18]

It's rude to ask a question? To communicate what's on your mind?

 

Good lord, it's a sad world when we are faulted and harshly criticized for speaking up and communicating what's on our minds.

 

No wonder so many folks come to forums such as this to ask, rather than communicate with their partners/friends. It's all making sense now.

 

Walking on eggshells around each other.

 

Again, he was not required to answer, but she should not be negatively judged and criticized for asking.

 

I am literally shocked at all the negative judgments.

 

I'm shocked as well! I don't find the question rude at all but hey to each their own. He is not required to answer my question but it simply tells me that he is uncomfortable sharing certain things with me which I don't think I would want to be with someone like that in the future. I like full disclosure. Some people clearly don't. I guess I have answered my own question.

[Seraphim]

What is not rude for some is very rude to others. I would only accept a question like that from my husband not someone who kinda maybe possibly might consider a relationship with me one day but doesn’t want one right now.