Maybe this is a silly problem... but it bugs me that he always wants to help

[BlueEternity]

My boyfriend and I have been together just over six months, so this may be one of those "early stages" things that irons itself out, but my boyfriend has a tendency to offer to help or ask if he can do something to help whenever I express frustration at a problem... regardless if it is something he could plausibly help with. Examples include offering to drive over and bring me lunch when I left mine at home (I am a teacher, and his work is more than an hour's drive from mine), asking if he could help multiple when I was scrambling to finish a video editing project for my class (although he said up front he knows nothing about video editing), or when my deep cleaning project wasn't going so great (he was at work, we don't live together, and I absolutely would not want him going through all my junk)... I could go on. It happens constantly.

 

I know he is probably trying to be sweet and caring by making things easier for me, but since there's nothing he can (realistically) do, it is just frustrating to me. It makes me feel like I have to divert time and energy away from dealing with whatever the issue is to coming up with a gentle way to tell him that no, of course he can't help me. I feel like if I am always telling him, "no, don't help me" he is going to feel rejected and stop offering, but the truth is that I am really fine with him helping...when it is something he can actually help with, and I have asked him for help with both little and big stuff in the past. (Although it is true that I am not great as a person at asking for help when I need it.) I also sometimes feel like I can't tell him about problems because he might just decide he has to make some grandiose gesture to fix it, and I would much rather he save that kind of emotional energy for situations that actually need it.

[Ziggy123]

I think that is kind of a guy versus girl thing. Girls often want to just have someone listen and give empathy where as guys always feel like they have to fix things that you complain about. They mean well and I would appreciate him trying to help it means he cares about you.

[LaHermes]

Blue. Your BF is not a "male girlfriend".

 

When you want to blow off about those little issues then your girlfriends are the people to talk them through with.

[indea08]

Maybe just tell him that sometimes you just need him to listen and let you vent instead of offering to help or fix the issue.

 

But honestly, if this is the worst problem you're dealing with, then you're doing alright. There are many women out there who wish they had a man who would help them or be there for them. Remember the big picture.

[itsallgrand]

This is my bf to a tee. I learned to share gripes carefully - because he'll have a solution! Lol .

Seriously though, it is a good kind of barometer for how much complaining is done. And one of the things my bf appreciates about me is that I do make efforts to think through before airing frustrations ( I do it mostly here!) and try to stay positive ( most of the time). Because being together is down time, enjoyable time. The bigger picture is he cares and likes to show it with doing. If you do really just need to vent, you can start out with letting him know that. And yes, a lot gets worked out by knowing each other better over time. Maybe he does this bc of past experiences with gfs expecting a lot, who knows. But everyone wins if you tone down the venting you share with him.

[j.man]

Don't complain about easily fixable things, then. I'd second LaHermes' post, but I honestly don't even know any women anymore who care to listen to the kind of mundane griping you describing. But maybe that's just me and who I surround myself with. I've had girlfriends who did it in the past and I honestly used to give them a pass on account of being a woman, but I hesitate to gender it anymore. It's kinda just an adult thing to realize everyone has day-to-day struggles and, particularly exceptional events obviously aside, don't necessarily want or need to hear you venting yours. Next time you forget a lunch, practice thinking to yourself, "That sucks. I'll remember next time" and have that be it. Effectively internalizing the smaller rubs in life improves the quality of it-- for yourself just as well as others.

[thealchemist]

I am a lot like your boyfriend. I always offer to help. It took several years for me to truely understand what my wife wanted in certain scenarios. I'm not good with passive venting. I'm a fixer and I try to help by doing actions are giving advice.

 

It took a long time but my wife finally told me how she felt. It took about a year of working on it but I'm much better now. If your boyfriend really cares about you then tactfully explaining this to him shouldn't make him very upset. He doesn't know what you want, the only way he is going to understand how you feel is if you tell him how you feel.

 

If he freaks out because of a real adult conversation about feelings then you are dodging a bullet anyway.

[Keyman]

We men are supposed to be solution based. You present us with a problem we try to fix it.

 

Women, we are told, are supposed to be emotional and caring. You present them with a problem, they will tell you it's going to be okay, you'll get through it.

 

At least he is showing you attention. But if that is too much for you, there are plenty of men out there that will treat you badly.

[nutbrownhare]

It's a gross generalisation, of course, but often men will hear a complaint as a request for help, and will want to fix it. If it's a practical problem, it may indeed be very helpful; not so much when you just want to express your feelings.

 

It's his way of telling you that he's there for you - especially if, by your own admission, you're not so good at asking for help when you need it.

 

However, this may be unfair... but from your post it does sound as though you like to moan a little. If you don't want him offering to help, then don't share problems with him when he couldn't possibly do so; there are plenty of people around who like to share grumbles and appreciate that sharing the feelings of frustration is all there is to it.

 

Merely expressing frustration when things aren't going well isn't going to bring you closer together; sharing your genuine feelings will, though, as will accepting his help graciously when you need it. Or, to paraphrase your own statement, don't tell him about problems unless a grandiose gesture actually WOULD be helpful.

 

You may also find this link interesting; it explores the different ways in which people express their loving feelings:

[url="

[Fun Boater 1]

Why not consider this concept? - Your boyfriend offers to help you whenever he can in whatever way he can BECAUSE HE CARES ABOUT YOU! He cares about you. Period. He cares, so he offers. Probably should hang onto a man like that who "gives a sh*t" about such little things as a forgotten lunch, or a "deep cleaning". Would you rather have a boyfriend who is callous, insensitive, and totally non-caring about your issues and problems? No, I don't think you would. So as others posters have suggested, start picking and choosing which "problems" you choose to gripe about to him if you know his first reaction is going to be to offer to "fix" it for you. Some people are just like that, male or female.

 

Then again, if he was seriously going to drive an hour just to bring you lunch, then he either cares about you that much...or he's that pathetically desperate to please you! LOL

[Rezie]

I personally don't think it's a gender things. I believe there are two types of people. There are fixers and then there are sympathisers. It can present equally in both sexes.

 

My partner is a fixers and I'm a bit of a mix but more sumpathiser. Sometimes I like to complain about stuff. When he starts to offers solutions and I don't want then I just tell him "I just want to moan no need to fix it". He has learned to say "that sucks" when I don't want solutions. Sure I could not complain when there is no actual problem but after work it would be quiet at the dinner table. And he has become very interested in our office happenings.

 

I talked about this subject with a fixer. She felt like giving solutions was showing that she was paying attention and cared for the person. She for frustrated that her boyfriend would say "that sucks" and she felt like he wasn't listening. And for me I feel like when other one tries to fix a problem that doesnt need fixing they don't take my feelings and emotions seriously. They just want to dismiss it and move on.

 

My advise would be to talk about it. Not when he is annoying you but you can say "i appreciate you trying to help me. But sometimes I express these feelings of frustration just to verbalize them and not needing actual help"

[Titanll]

"No honey...but thanks anyway" How hard was that?

[butterfly45]

Examples include offering to drive over and bring me lunch when I left mine at home (I am a teacher, and his work is more than an hour's drive from mine), asking if he could help multiple when I was scrambling to finish a video editing project for my class (although he said up front he knows nothing about video editing), or when my deep cleaning project wasn't going so great (he was at work, we don't live together, and I absolutely would not want him going through all my junk)... I could go on. It happens constantly.

 

That sounds like a fair amount of complaining to me. Perhaps consider your timing of communication...does he need to know how your cleaning is going while he is at work? If he is seeing complaints from you at work, maybe to him it sounds more urgent than it actually is.

[Batya33]

Maybe this is a habit because of the prevalence on Facebook to complain or share about life's minor annoyances. Maybe if you feel you must complain tell him in advance you're just venting.

[johnnydanger]

Is there anything I can do to help with this? Where do you live so I can bring you some lunch?

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm sure my answer is not what you want to hear, but you're making a mountain out of a molehill, (imo). Give him a break, or give him up...

[fabact]

Easily fixable and maybe just explain he doesnt have to fix it for you. Just listen. On the positive side this guy sounds like he will stick by you through thick and thin and will take csre of you in life. Keeper in my book.

[Batya33]

Is it that you don't think his offers are genuine since they're not really doable/impractical?

[Sportster2005]

Maybe he's crossing the line from nice to doormat. It's nice to have someone helpful, but if it's over the top it might be approval seeking. Or put another way, he really doesn't want to help, he's insecure and feels he has to be extra nice to you.

[Krankor]

So, in posting this are you looking for our help or do you just want to vent about this issue?

[BlueEternity]

Thanks for all the replies (and, yes, I am looking for help/advice, lol).

A few clarifications: I'm not generally volunteering these "complaints" out of nowhere. He'll ask me how things are going and sometimes about specific situations (for example, he knew I was doing cleaning that day and asked about it), and I just happen to have negative answers about how things are. I feel like by telling about my problems, I am being open and honest, instead of giving a vague "everything's fine" that I would give to most people. (And I do save my hardcore venting for my girlfriends) I don't think I'm a super-negative person, but that's definitely something I will try to work on.

 

As to why it bothers me, I think it is mostly because of how implausible the offers are. I don't think he's insincere. He's always been a very helpful, generous person, which is something that drew me to him in the first place, and he definitely does treat me in a very sweet and caring way (and I know I'm lucky to have him). I'm uncomfortable with people going to a lot of trouble for me to begin with, so I hate the idea that he might go to so much effort for something I don't really need, and I do think there is an element of approval-seeking to it. That's why responding is hard, because I feel like I have to reassure him that it's okay he didn't "come to my rescue."

 

Neither of us has ever been in a real relationship before, and we both kind of suck at dating (we spent about a year in the friendzone for no reason whatsoever), so we're kind of muddling through. I know in the scheme of things, this is a small, deal-able problem; I just don't like being frustrated at him for what he thinks is probably a good thing. I am trying to be more positive and not tell him all the little problems, and be more clear when I don't expect him to "fix it." If I cap a mention of a problem/negative thing with "I'll figure it out"/"I'll deal with it"/ etc. is that a fairly clear signal, or do I need to be more direct?

[BlueEternity]

Thanks for all the replies (and, yes, I am looking for help/advice, lol).

A few clarifications: I'm not generally volunteering these "complaints" out of nowhere. He'll ask me how things are going and sometimes about specific situations (for example, he knew I was doing cleaning that day and asked about it), and I just happen to have negative answers about how things are. I feel like by telling about my problems, I am being open and honest, instead of giving a vague "everything's fine" that I would give to most people. (And I do save my hardcore venting for my girlfriends) I don't think I'm a super-negative person, but that's definitely something I will try to work on.

 

As to why it bothers me, I think it is mostly because of how implausible the offers are. I don't think he's insincere. He's always been a very helpful, generous person, which is something that drew me to him in the first place, and he definitely does treat me in a very sweet and caring way (and I know I'm lucky to have him). I'm uncomfortable with people going to a lot of trouble for me to begin with, so I hate the idea that he might go to so much effort for something I don't really need, and I do think there is an element of approval-seeking to it. That's why responding is hard, because I feel like I have to reassure him that it's okay he didn't "come to my rescue."

 

Neither of us has ever been in a real relationship before, and we both kind of suck at dating (we spent about a year in the friendzone for no reason whatsoever), so we're kind of muddling through. I know in the scheme of things, this is a small, deal-able problem; I just don't like being frustrated at him for what he thinks is probably a good thing. I am trying to be more positive and not tell him all the little problems, and be more clear when I don't expect him to "fix it." If I cap a mention of a problem/negative thing with "I'll figure it out"/"I'll deal with it"/ etc. is that a fairly clear signal, or do I need to be more direct?

[Batya33]

No need to let it all hang out about the small negative stuff. If he asks how something is going like cleaning say "oh, you know, it's fine - no biggie" - because you already know how he reacts to the small stuff so why overshare about something so inconsequential? It's "open" to spill your guts - that's technically true - but "honesty" doesn't require spilling one's guts nor is it dishonest to choose what to share as long as you're not lying by omission (but a white lie like "it's all fine" because you don't want to worry him and it's small stuff, not an emergency, is also fine). What you do need in a relationship is to think of the other person -so if by being "open" about the small stuff you're going to trigger his reaction to offer to help in ways that irritate you, just don't go down that path. I have stomach issues. I most often do not tell my husband if I can help it - why - because it's negative, because he might worry or react in a way that's not helpful like drawing attention to it, etc.

 

And no need to be vague- share the positive stuff or neutral stuff if you feel you must give details about "how things are going". Better yet say "fine" and ask him how he is and let him share his details.

[Krankor]

Although I do think this is a fairly minor thing, I think I kind of get it. You want to be able to grumble about forgetting your lunch without your boyfriend trying to don his suit of armor and come riding in and white knight for his damsel in distress girlfriend. Some women may appreciate it but for others--like you--it's a bit much.

 

I actually think though that this problem will work itself out. I would just be honest. "I appreciate that but no. I just say stuff like that to make conversation, not because I want you to help."

 

If he keeps getting shot down I think he'll get it. If not then probably just directly tell him how you feel and make a deal with him that you will ask for help if you need it.

 

Or, just keep saying "no thanks" and try not to let it bother you.

[katrina1980]

Although I do think this is a fairly minor thing, I think I kind of get it. You want to be able to grumble about forgetting your lunch without your boyfriend trying to don his suit of armor and come riding in and white knight for his damsel in distress girlfriend. Some women may appreciate it but for others--like you--it's a bit much.

 

I actually think though that this problem will work itself out. I would just be honest. "I appreciate that but no. I just say stuff like that to make conversation, not because I want you to help."

 

If he keeps getting shot down I think he'll get it. If not then probably just directly tell him how you feel and make a deal with him that you will ask for help if you need it.

 

Or, just keep saying "no thanks" and try not to let it bother you.

 

Chucking at your first paragraph, I agree! And many men do this, and it's too much. They're trying too hard to please, which for me is a big turn off. I am definitely NOT looking for some "white knight."

 

I am not one to usually vent about such things to my boyfriends though, I usually deal with it and by the time we talk again, it's over and done.

 

If I do need his help I will ask for it directly.

 

I find that in my relationships my boyfriends usually vented more than I did. When they did I tried to empathize and support which they appreciated.

 

My ex was always griping about "something" which tbh became pretty damn exhausting. He was very negative in a lot of ways.

 

I am glad he felt so safe and comfortable with me to do so, but hell give it a rest.

 

OP, maybe try not complaining so much. Even if he asks, tell him but then say you dealt with it, over and done. Then change the subject.