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Fun Boater 1

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Fun Boater 1 last won the day on January 17 2012

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  1. Here is a great article on the concept of "trauma bonding". It may apply to your situation and I strongly suggest you read it and see if you can identify things in your toxic relationship. There are many articles such as this one online. rauma bond ian dooley / Unsplash People often don't even realise they are in an abusive relationship. It can be hard for others to understand why someone stays with an abusive partner. It's often because of something called "trauma bonding," where you become addicted to the hormonal rollercoaster an abuser sends you on. Those who have never been in an abusive relationship struggle to understand how people remain in one for so long. If somebody was mistreating you, "why did you stick around?" they ask. For survivors, this can be a really tough question to answer. The lucky ones escape, and stumble upon articles or books that give them the terms to be able to understand what happened to them, and thus describe their experience. Other times, though, this doesn't happen, and people might not even be aware they were in a relationship that could be classed as "abusive." This is because we are conditioned to believe abuse is always physical. On TV and in films, we see characters who are obviously evil. They are violent to their partners, shout at them aggressively, or even murder them in a fit of rage. While this does happen, it's not a true representation of the abuse many others experience. According to therapist Shannon Thomas, author of "Healing from Hidden Abuse," psychological abuse is insidious, and it occurs a over time like an IV drip of poison entering your veins. It starts with an off-hand comment here, or an insult there, but often victims brush these moments off. This is because abusive people are great at pretending to be everything you're looking for in a partner, and they love bomb you with affection. Victims tend to believe this is the abuser's real self, and when the mask starts to slip more and more, they believe its "out of character" and it must be their own fault for making their partner angry. People stay in these relationships partly because they are trying to win back the abuser's affection. However, Thomas told Business Insider that victims also become biologically attached to their abusers through something called "trauma bonding." It's like an addictive drug. It's a bit like becoming addicted to a drug. A psychologically abusive relationship is a rollercoaster, with punishment and then intermittent reinforcement of kindness when you "behave." This means the body is going through its own turmoil, with high levels of the stress hormone cortisol, paired with dopamine when given affection as a reward. "You have this back and forth, and the body becomes addicted," Thomas said. "When we’re looking for something that we want, that we once had, which is a connection with somebody, and they are playing cat and mouse where they are pulling it back and forth, then the body really does become dependent on having that approval." This hormonal rollercoaster really takes its toll on someone's body. Victims might find they break out in acne, even though they've always had good skin. They might have chest pains. Thomas has said that in her practise she has even seen her clients develop autoimmune disorders. "Their bodies start to shut down, and they start really struggling with chronic pain, migraines, and some arthritic type pains and conditions, and they just can’t fight infections as well," she said. "The body really can only take so much stress." Victims stay in these relationships despite of the stress on their bodies, because often it isn't clear to them what the problems really are. Through gaslighting, control, and intermittent love, the abuser has their partner backed into a corner of self-blame and desperation of trying to win back the affection of the person they love. Unfortunately, for many people, when they try to leave these relationships they are so bonded to their abuser that they return. Others don't try to leave at all, and are only freed from the clutches of the abuse when they are discarded. An abusive relationship with a narcissist or psychopath tends to follow the same pattern: idealisation, devaluation, and discarding. At some point, the victim will be so broken, the abuser will no longer get any benefit from using them. They may have totally bankrupted them, or destroyed their confidence, or worse, and they move on to their next target. However, once they are gone, the victim — or survivor as Thomas calls them at this point — can finally start coming round to the idea they were abused. They can grieve, and finally see the damage that was being done, and realise it wasn't their fault. That's when the healing can really begin, Thomas says, and the survivor can realise that they were targeted not because they were weak, but because they had so much to give. These are the signs you might be in a trauma bond with someone, according to Psych Central: A constant pattern of nonperformance — your partner promises you things, but keeps behaving to the contrary. Others are disturbed by something that is said or done to you in your relationship, but you brush it off. You feel stuck in the relationship because you see no way out. You keep having the same fights with your partner that go round in circles with no real winner. You're punished or given the silent treatment by your partner when you say or do something "wrong." You feel unable to detach from your relationship even though you don't truly trust or even like the person you're in it with. When you try and leave, you are plagued by such longing to get back with your partner you feel it might destroy you.
  2. Google these topics and start reading: "cycle of abuse" "toxic relationship" "trauma bonding" Also type in Google "why women stay in abusive relationships". There is a plethora of articles, websites and resources you can utilize that will help you understand the completely negative and toxic dynamic that appears to exist between you and this man. You need to establish firm boundaries, leave him, get an order of protection, and get professional counseling to help you understand why you refuse to terminate your relationship with this ABUSER. Because he IS an ABUSER. He has anger issues, and apparently sees nothing wrong with striking a woman, even a woman he professes to "love", such as yourself. And you should be seriously questioning that "love" and realize that he probably doesn't "love" you. How can you hit someone you love? What he does love most likely is the control he excersizes over YOU, and he "loves" manipulating you. What you are describing here is almost textbook and classic "toxic/abuse relationship" scenario - albeit in it's early stages. And it will only get worse with him so DO SOMETHING about it NOW and break the pattern before it turns into a cycle. Save yourself the anguish, emotional and physical pain, and heartbreak and break free NOW!
  3. Would only work, the FWB" arrangement "post-relationship" if BOTH of you are on the same emotional level about. If it is mutually agreed upon (sex only - no attachment) it will work for awhile. However, in most cases, I would think one of you always "wants more" and would want a return to the exclusive "relationship". So, short term, yes, long term, probably not. It is not uncommon for couples, post-break up to "hook up" occasionally with other. In fact it's very common.
  4. From what you have posted it appears your relationship with this man can be defined as "toxic and abusive". All the signs are there. He IS emotionally abusing you with his talk about how you are "ruining his child" and "blaming you for everything". Textbook case. Why do you think you don't have the courage to end things and leave? What is keeping you from getting out? There are resources you can turn to. Seek help from a counselor, from friends, from family. Surround yourself with those who care about and you and who will support your decision to end things with this man and move on. Interestingly, I just read this good article this morning. It is worth checking out and you might see some of you and your partners behaviors in it. http://www.businessinsider.com/trauma-bonding-explains-why-people-often-stay-in-abusive-relationships-2017-8 Remember, YOUR HAPPINESS..and emotional well being is what is PARAMOUNT here. Take the necessary steps and end this toxic relationship before it completely destroys you and sucks you dry!
  5. YES! I think this very much spot on applies to her situation! Great article. I've just read it 3 times and it's uncanny the similarities. People often stay in abusive relationships because of something called 'trauma bonding' — here are the signs it's happening to you Lindsay Dodgson Aug. 17, 2017, 6:46 AM 270,101 FACEBOOK LINKEDIN TWITTER EMAIL PRINT trauma bond ian dooley / Unsplash People often don't even realise they are in an abusive relationship. It can be hard for others to understand why someone stays with an abusive partner. It's often because of something called "trauma bonding," where you become addicted to the hormonal rollercoaster an abuser sends you on. Those who have never been in an abusive relationship struggle to understand how people remain in one for so long. If somebody was mistreating you, "why did you stick around?" they ask. For survivors, this can be a really tough question to answer. The lucky ones escape, and stumble upon articles or books that give them the terms to be able to understand what happened to them, and thus describe their experience. Other times, though, this doesn't happen, and people might not even be aware they were in a relationship that could be classed as "abusive." This is because we are conditioned to believe abuse is always physical. On TV and in films, we see characters who are obviously evil. They are violent to their partners, shout at them aggressively, or even murder them in a fit of rage. While this does happen, it's not a true representation of the abuse many others experience. According to therapist Shannon Thomas, author of "Healing from Hidden Abuse," psychological abuse is insidious, and it occurs a over time like an IV drip of poison entering your veins. It starts with an off-hand comment here, or an insult there, but often victims brush these moments off. This is because abusive people are great at pretending to be everything you're looking for in a partner, and they love bomb you with affection. Victims tend to believe this is the abuser's real self, and when the mask starts to slip more and more, they believe its "out of character" and it must be their own fault for making their partner angry. People stay in these relationships partly because they are trying to win back the abuser's affection. However, Thomas told Business Insider that victims also become biologically attached to their abusers through something called "trauma bonding." It's like an addictive drug. It's a bit like becoming addicted to a drug. A psychologically abusive relationship is a rollercoaster, with punishment and then intermittent reinforcement of kindness when you "behave." This means the body is going through its own turmoil, with high levels of the stress hormone cortisol, paired with dopamine when given affection as a reward. "You have this back and forth, and the body becomes addicted," Thomas said. "When we’re looking for something that we want, that we once had, which is a connection with somebody, and they are playing cat and mouse where they are pulling it back and forth, then the body really does become dependent on having that approval." This hormonal rollercoaster really takes its toll on someone's body. Victims might find they break out in acne, even though they've always had good skin. They might have chest pains. Thomas has said that in her practise she has even seen her clients develop autoimmune disorders. "Their bodies start to shut down, and they start really struggling with chronic pain, migraines, and some arthritic type pains and conditions, and they just can’t fight infections as well," she said. "The body really can only take so much stress." Victims stay in these relationships despite of the stress on their bodies, because often it isn't clear to them what the problems really are. Through gaslighting, control, and intermittent love, the abuser has their partner backed into a corner of self-blame and desperation of trying to win back the affection of the person they love. Unfortunately, for many people, when they try to leave these relationships they are so bonded to their abuser that they return. Others don't try to leave at all, and are only freed from the clutches of the abuse when they are discarded. An abusive relationship with a narcissist or psychopath tends to follow the same pattern: idealisation, devaluation, and discarding. At some point, the victim will be so broken, the abuser will no longer get any benefit from using them. They may have totally bankrupted them, or destroyed their confidence, or worse, and they move on to their next target. However, once they are gone, the victim — or survivor as Thomas calls them at this point — can finally start coming round to the idea they were abused. They can grieve, and finally see the damage that was being done, and realise it wasn't their fault. That's when the healing can really begin, Thomas says, and the survivor can realise that they were targeted not because they were weak, but because they had so much to give. These are the signs you might be in a trauma bond with someone, according to Psych Central: A constant pattern of nonperformance — your partner promises you things, but keeps behaving to the contrary. Others are disturbed by something that is said or done to you in your relationship, but you brush it off. You feel stuck in the relationship because you see no way out. You keep having the same fights with your partner that go round in circles with no real winner. You're punished or given the silent treatment by your partner when you say or do something "wrong." You feel unable to detach from your relationship even though you don't truly trust or even like the person you're in it with. When you try and leave, you are plagued by such longing to get back with your partner you feel it might destroy you.
  6. You are in a position that many guys have been in throughout the history of time! It's not a good position to be in because there is absolutely nothing you can do that is going to cause her to somehow, overnight, as if she were struck by lightning...etc... that is going to make her see you as anything but a friend. I chose the above quote because if she has "told you repeatedly" that she views you "only as a friend", then THERE is your answer. And it's an absolute answer. You have absolutely NO chance of turning her into you "girlfriend". NONE WHATSOEVER. You and her have a long established "friend" relationship. You are locked in the proverbial "friend zone". Stop wasting your time wishing there was something more. You are just selling yourself short and probably passing on other opportunities real dating "other than friends" relationships with other girls. You are 20 years old. DO NOT let your obsession with your "best friend" prevent you from dating other girls! Stop buying her gifts. She probably appreciates them, this is true, but buying her gifts will do nothing to cause her to have that "struck by lightning" moment that will make her one day think.."ahhhh, oh yeah, I need to start dating this guy!". I've been there when I was a young man, always hung up on a girl or two that I was close friends with....but who I couldn't have! I missed out on things I could have had with other women as a result. Don't be that guy! Stay friends with her, after all, friendships are important and meaningful....just STOP seeing her as a "dating option" and start looking at other girls who are emotionally available to you and might wish to have the kind of " more than friends" relationship your "best friend" is NOT capable of.
  7. Thought I would bump this up and perhaps give anyone who wishes a chance to loudly say "I TOLD YOU SO!" Last post was in early July. She had gotten rid of the toxic abusive manipulative loser. Her and I started doing things together, going on dates, slept together a couple of times,....but all the time she was still talking to the POS after she got him out of her house. All the while assuring to me that "I had nothing to worry about from him...she's made that mistake twice and wasn't going to make it again.blah blab, blah...". So I started being very cautious and less available to her after I found out she was still talking to him. She kept texting me and calling me, and we'd see each other occasionally. This went on for a few weeks. We had some deep talks and she really opened up to me. Actually talked about her past, her emotional damage, cried about a few things...etc..etc... Thought things were headed in the right direction. Then around 10 August, she just stopped talking to me.... One day we had a pleasant phone exchange, a couple days later she doesn't return a call or a text....???? So I stopped contacting her. Then a week later it pops up on Facebook that she is "in a relationship" - with the toxic abusive POS she has an active restraining/order of protection against! He had tagged her as that status and she allowed it. So rather than get all pissed off and confront her, or say anything at all, I just let it go..... A mutual friend of ours confronted her though.... And she told that friend how much she "loves me", ,but she just has to see where things go with abusive guy...how she doens't want to be alone....how she's not a quitter...and how they (her and abusive guy) are going to go to counselling and build something great...even though she knows they have a horrible past together...blah blah blah". So at that point I was just like "okay, this is it....no contact..." So no more calls, texts, emails, or anything contact of any kind....and I held to that for over 2 months! NO CONTACT FROM MY END WHATSOEVER! DONE! Late October - she stars blowing up my phone with "fishing" kinds of texts, liking and commenting on my Facebook posts...etc... I don't respond for a week, then finally texted her back. Then the last weekend in October she blows up my phone calling me. Wants to get together. We get together and I don't ask her any questions about anything. We just spend a pleasant night talking and visiting, felt just like old times. We slept together of course. It was very nice, and she seemed like a different person - Purposely didn't ask her anyhtning about abusive POS either. So we exchange texts and emails for about a week...then she "ghosts" on me again..... This was early NOvember. Just stops responding to texts. Once again, I"m like "DONE". MORE NO CONTACT. First week of December - repeat above paragraph basically. She took me out to dinner for my bday on 4 December, brought me gifts, paid for dinner. Spend the night. We talked all night. She told me about how she was in counselling and talking about things like self esteem, self worth, boundaries....etc..etc.. ALL topics which fall into the types of issues she has. She genuinely seemed much more cheerful, happy,. and relaxed than I had seen her in awhile. Like the person she was during the 7 months her and I were orginally together. So we have an awesome night. Then a week later she "ghosts" on me again and I know she's back hanging with the POS. Again, NO CONTACT....thru Xmas. Sent her a smart ass text on Xmas night - Wishing her a Merry Christmas -with a meme attached that said "Don't f*ck up your present f*cking around with a past that has no future". She didn't respond. lol So a few days later, on Thursday Dec 28th, she starts blowing up my Facebook, and then sends me a few texts..... Guess what? She has a broken leg. How did it happen? Take another guess? Abusive ex knocked her down with his car door, then proceeded to run over her leg. Then he left her there in her drive way and drove off. Luckily her daughter came home a few minutes later. It was 5 degrees in Central IL that day, snow on the ground. He broke her leg in 2 places. So of course she turns to me for support and help? I took her food, meds, booze, water, ice...candy...etc..etc... Told her I was there for her and that she knows that. So she's called on me a few times since for ride to doctor and other trivial assistance. I was 100% there for her, and she talked to me like she always has....very affectionate sweet, also talking how she has "felt a huge dark cloud lifted from her"...how she is "looking so forward to the new year, a new her"...etc..e.tc... And she's been posting alot on FB with meme's about "self worth"..."making changes"...you know, all that "self help" stuff that many women are always posting.... So over the weekend HIS car was at her house at least one time.... Just happened to be in the area so drove by. And she claimed to be sick all weekend. But still no real change in her texting behavior....still affectionate, friendly... So maybe I"m reading too much into his car being there. But now after she texted me yesterday morning telling me she is on way to Doc appt for her leg ..and me texting her back asking her how it went.... havne't heard from her since yesterday morning so sh's just left me hanging AGAIN! So I have no idea what's going on with her. I fear the worst. That despite ALL obvious reasons NOT to, she's letting him manipulate himself back into her life....after running her over with a car! She's a textbook example of the "toxic abusive relationship" who just can't break away...even though she wants to. And I know she wants to.... All I know is that I"m tired of being treated like I'm the most important thing in her life to her one day, then treated like I don't even exist the next. :( This woman is 42 years old too.... really old enough to grow out of her childish issues, stand up for herself, and make the changes in her life she has repeatedly talked about making. And above all, have the common sense to be finally and permantently done with a toxic, abusive, and now obviously dangerous loser who now, on top of everything else he has done to her over the years, has finally BROKEN HER BONES!!!!! GRRRRRRRR! He needs a baseball bat taken to the side of his pathetic head is what he needs. But if she refuses to do anything, and keeps letting him back in, what good would that be? Not worth it. I have too much to lose. So many of you guys who took the time to post last spring/summer on this thread. I thank you. Anyone have anything to add, I am all ears. I'm sick of it. Ironically I DID actually start to really get over her between August and late October when I was standing firm on my NO CONTACT.... I made new friends, dated a few girls, had fun as I always do...and took a huge step for me - I bought a house! My first home at age 50! So I let her suck me back in back in October...then let her ghost...same with first week in December.....now this latest. I just don't know what to do or how to deal with it. I am pissed off and angry with her, of course, however, I'm not one to say mean and hurtful things. I keep my anger bottled up. I know she is damaged and broken. I know she has issues. I know I can't fix her. But still? What have I dont to deserve to be treated as an emotional crutch /fall back guy....when the other guy is a toxic, abusive, criminal sociopath! This is what my logical mind still has difficulty getting my head around. Why can't she just walk away? Sh*t! At the rate she's going with him, refusing to sever ties, she's going to end up a statistic and Candace Cameron will be playing her in a Lifetime Network movie...and yeah, trying to be funny, but this whole thing is no joke, at least not to me. :(
  8. Go to court and testify against him. Let the public know what he did to you and how he treated you. Why? Because an abusive sh*tbag like him needs to be held accountable for his actions. If you don't show up and fail to provide testimony against him then nothing will happen to him and he will be totally FREE to do the same abusive behavior to another girl.... Do you want that to happen? Think about it. My ex g/f who has a history of being involved with abusive/toxic guys secured a restraining order for domestic violence against her ex b/f...and then she violated by inviting him back into her life. Now she has pretty much lost all credibility with the court if there is another incident. This is serious business and by not holding him accountable and letting him get away with abusive behavior, it leaves him to abuse someone else without worrying about the consequences of being busted a second time. It's very important that he gets tagged with a "DVO" in your case to prevent him from more abusive behavior and the prevent some other unsuspecting girl from becoming a victim. Be strong, go to court, and testify! You can do this! Do you have a strong support system? A large circle of friends who have your back on this? I hope so!
  9. Forget all about him and be thankful you had the courage and fortitude to stand up for yourself and BREAK the cycle of abuse. Because it IS a cycle. This guy is no damn good, and more importantly, no damn good FOR YOU, and you already know this or you wouldn't have called the cops and put an end to it. Ignore all impulses to contact him and focus on all the negatives. Get therapy if you need it. Don't end up like my former girlfriend who is in your exact same positive - stuck and trapped and refusing to totally cut all ties with her abusive dbag ex who has done a host of terrible things to her over the course of a few years, yet she keeps connected with him.
  10. You had no "real" relationship whatsoever. In the course of 2 months you only saw each other face to face 2 times??? ? THAT is nothing anywhere close to a "real relationship" regardless of how often you texted, called, skyped...etc... It was a fantasy relationship to begin with. So when you and he did start talking about turning it into a "reality", it quickly disintegrated because there was nothing real there to begin with. But to answer your question, by all means, send him an email for his birthday or call him. You have nothing to lose because you really had nothing to lose to begin with.
  11. Nothing, I repeat, nothing you describe in this post is good. From your description of the situation it appears he has lost interest in you since moving 300 miles to be with you and you already detect that there is a big problem with his integrity and his faithfulness. You need to sit down with him and confront him and have a serious talk about where the relationship is, and more importantly, where it is going. Why are you so scared to lose him? If you can't trust him and continue to make excuses for his bad behavior, then I don't see much of a future with this guy. Again, you describe nothing positive about him or the current status of the relationship. Sort it out quickly before it explodes and you get burnt. Perhaps it's just a communication problem, but I see a huge "red flag" with his insistence upon meeting up with this other woman, and his use of "dating websites". And if he has yet to get a job since moving in with you he is sponging off you and is bored, which could be a reason for his wandering eye.
  12. "Just because I'm hung like a needle doesn't mean I don't move like a sewing machine!" ~ Abraham Lincoln 1862
  13. He might just suck at sex and has never been with a woman who has "taught" him how to meet her needs. I would suggest having a conversation about it - in bed. Ask him to try new positions and communicate to him what is you want from a lover. You can't expect him to change his habits unless you are willing to teach him what you want, and how to provide it. Just talk about it.
  14. Updating since it got bounced to the top of the forum category: We had been communicating regularly over the past month or so, email exchange, text here and there, every couple of weeks or so. Two weeks ago she blew my phone up throughout the day while I was out of town for work. She told me she "feels like running away and not telling anyone where she is...etc..etc...". Then later that night she said a bunch of intimate stuff to me about how she feels about me. Her, and her cousin who now stays with her, ended up going to my place and staying there due to high drama with the abusive guy it turned out. We had tentative plans to get together that next day when I returned from my road trip...but of course, (and as I half expected), she "ghosted" on me... Typical. Fast forward to this past weekend. She finally pulled the trigger and was able to get him to finally get out of her house. (Saturday). Posted some stuff on Facebook about "celebrating her freedom..life is good!", and another post where she was attempting to sell a bbq grill that had been "in her way for 6 months and I want it gone". .. He came and got that. Met up with her Monday at noon for lunch, then her and her cousin came and joined me on my boat on the river and we stayed out for local fireworks show Monday night. It felt like old times. I asked her "what finally made you get it done (geting rid of him and out of her own house). She said "you know I've been trying to get him to leave for a long time and I finally got it done...she also said "you don't know what it's like to lay in bed and wish you would never wake up because of another person being there who you loathe". So apparently, (and as I already knew) things were pretty damn bad at her place.... Hopefully she is done finally and for good! Her "ghosting" over the past couple of weeks was due to her phone being totally smashed by the abusive ex... (as he has done before a few times). According to her, without her sharing alot of details, it got very, very ugly leading up to this past Saturday. I'm not exagerrating what a total POS this guy is, either. So I guess I'll see what happens. I'm not under any illusions about immediately getting back together with her. Afterall, she just finally made the right move and got rid of him. Still have no doubts about how she feels about me, especially after some of the things she said to me via text couple of weeks ago. HOWEVER, just because she has made the right decision to get rid of him and move forward doens't make her any less broken and damaged, does it? Undoubtedly she needs time to decompress from the 6 month nightmare she's been through, and I don't intend to put any pressure on her, or try to lay any commitments on her at this point. We'll see what happens going forward. At least now she is available to do things with, go on dates, activities...etc..etc... Our time together Monday and Monday night was very pleasant and positive, but we really didn't "talk" about anything serious or "relationshippy". There will be time for that at some point. Meanwhile, I'm still "doing me" and living my life. I very much realize that just because she had gotten rid of the abusive POS, doesn't automatically mean her and I are going to immediately pick up where we left off before. I would be naieve to think so, right? Most importantly, she has finally made this decision for herself, and that makes me very happy and glad for her regardless of what might happen between her and I in the future. I told her that Monday. That I was very glad she made that decision on her own and made it happen. One question I do have is: How to proceed with her now that she has finally made the break?
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